- Dec 2, 2004
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I have an interesting story, and I hope someone can help me sort this out.
When I was younger, I hated being a girl. All of my friends were guys, and I felt outcasted. So I wore boys clothes and I acted like a boy more of the time. However, I never really felt like I was all that much different. I had my first crush on a guy when I was 9 years old. This crush lasted for about three years, until I met another boy who I really fell for and we had a bit of a childhood romance.
Then my family moved away during my 8th grade year, leaving this boy behind. I became severely depressed because I felt so alone. During this time, the thought crossed my mind that I might like girls. I don't know how or why it happened. I had never felt any attraction to a girl at all. I just woke up one morning in and it was in my head. It scared me to death. I didn't want to like girls, so I started searching for answers. That is when I started attending church. I was really into the "pray the gay away" stuff...but I still didn't feel any emotional or physical attraction to girls. It was just like this thought took over my mind.
When I entered high school, within a matter of weeks, I was totally over the whole "what if I like girls?" thing. I dated several guys and cared for them very much.However, I ended up falling away from God. My most recent ex and I had sex, but I soon realized that I had much stronger feelings for a close friend of mine. This boy is a strong Christian and has been looking out for me for a long time. I broke it off with my ex to date him.
I was so infatuated with him. He felt like the world to me and I was growing closer to God again. But, after we had been dating for about two months, that thought struck me again for the first time in four years. I tried to ignore it, because I had rationalized that what happened to me in 8th grade was just curiosity and confusion. I also thought that maybe the devil was trying to lead my off of God's path.
However, it has now been two months with this crisis and it's getting harder and harder to deal with, and something is happening that has never happened before. I'm beginning to feel sexual attraction to girls. I've never had an emotional attachment, but there are definitely sexual feelings. I feel like I've become less attracted to guys too. I also feel like I'm lying to my boyfriend. I care for him very much. I can see myself marrying him in the future. But this makes it so hard on me, I almost want to leave him just in case I am really attracted to girls so we don't get too serious and I end up breaking his heart.
It doesn't make sense to me. Why would this idea pop into my head? Why would I go for four years without a single thought about it, and then it would start up again? Why have I never actually felt an attraction to girls until now?
I don't want to like girls, and that really doesn't have much to do with God. I just never saw myself as being gay or bisexual. I've always viewed myself as being straight. It doesn't feel like it's a part of me, but like a cancer that keeps coming back. I'd give anything for this to disappear again. All I want to do is fall in love with a guy and have a family.
When I was younger, I hated being a girl. All of my friends were guys, and I felt outcasted. So I wore boys clothes and I acted like a boy more of the time. However, I never really felt like I was all that much different. I had my first crush on a guy when I was 9 years old. This crush lasted for about three years, until I met another boy who I really fell for and we had a bit of a childhood romance.
Then my family moved away during my 8th grade year, leaving this boy behind. I became severely depressed because I felt so alone. During this time, the thought crossed my mind that I might like girls. I don't know how or why it happened. I had never felt any attraction to a girl at all. I just woke up one morning in and it was in my head. It scared me to death. I didn't want to like girls, so I started searching for answers. That is when I started attending church. I was really into the "pray the gay away" stuff...but I still didn't feel any emotional or physical attraction to girls. It was just like this thought took over my mind.
When I entered high school, within a matter of weeks, I was totally over the whole "what if I like girls?" thing. I dated several guys and cared for them very much.However, I ended up falling away from God. My most recent ex and I had sex, but I soon realized that I had much stronger feelings for a close friend of mine. This boy is a strong Christian and has been looking out for me for a long time. I broke it off with my ex to date him.
I was so infatuated with him. He felt like the world to me and I was growing closer to God again. But, after we had been dating for about two months, that thought struck me again for the first time in four years. I tried to ignore it, because I had rationalized that what happened to me in 8th grade was just curiosity and confusion. I also thought that maybe the devil was trying to lead my off of God's path.
However, it has now been two months with this crisis and it's getting harder and harder to deal with, and something is happening that has never happened before. I'm beginning to feel sexual attraction to girls. I've never had an emotional attachment, but there are definitely sexual feelings. I feel like I've become less attracted to guys too. I also feel like I'm lying to my boyfriend. I care for him very much. I can see myself marrying him in the future. But this makes it so hard on me, I almost want to leave him just in case I am really attracted to girls so we don't get too serious and I end up breaking his heart.
It doesn't make sense to me. Why would this idea pop into my head? Why would I go for four years without a single thought about it, and then it would start up again? Why have I never actually felt an attraction to girls until now?
I don't want to like girls, and that really doesn't have much to do with God. I just never saw myself as being gay or bisexual. I've always viewed myself as being straight. It doesn't feel like it's a part of me, but like a cancer that keeps coming back. I'd give anything for this to disappear again. All I want to do is fall in love with a guy and have a family.
