I need some help

[Jehane]

No-one has that much control over another's destiny. Unless she actually took the knife, sword, gun whatever & stabbed/shot him...Maybe she did. And that last line is so full of pride. It's really hard with such a short piece. Maybe she's meant to be like this? I might even like her if I knew her better.

Is this yours or Jaci's? Not that it matters.

 

[Tariel]

No-one has that much control over another's destiny. Unless she actually took the knife, sword, gun whatever & stabbed/shot him...Maybe she did. And that last line is so full of pride. It's really hard with such a short piece. Maybe she's meant to be like this? I might even like her if I knew her better.

Is this yours or Jaci's? Not that it matters.

Jaci is me. The piece is about the struggle a writer goes through killing their own character--shown as if the writer had really known and was in love with the character.

it will hopefully make more sense in context--unfortunately the context is not available yet.

 

[Jehane]

Sounds interesting. Are we literally killing off a character here or are we talking about letting go when a tale is done?

(I can't believe you're still talking to me btw. I said some pretty harsh things.)

 

[Tariel]

Sounds interesting. Are we literally killing off a character here or are we talking about letting go when a tale is done?

(I can't believe you're still talking to me btw. I said some pretty harsh things.)

Literally killing him off after deliberating and coming to the conclusion that they story will never come to completion if he is allowed to remain alive.

(I'm not easily offended. You're honest--I would be a fool to not accept and seriously consider what you have to say. I asked you to be harsh, why should I be surprised when you actually do so?)

 

[Jehane]

Because it can be hurtful, even when you have asked for honesty. Because producing a story is worse than producing a baby & can bring out the same sort of protective 'nature red in tooth & claw' tendencies in the best of us. Because what you see in a piece may not produce the desired effect in the reader & that too can be painful. Honesty is not always appreciated even when it is well meant.

Is there more? I think I shall rather enjoy watching you kill this character off.

 

[Tariel]

Because it can be hurtful, even when you have asked for honesty. Because producing a story is worse than producing a baby & can bring out the same sort of protective 'nature red in tooth & claw' tendencies in the best of us. Because what you see in a piece may not produce the desired effect in the reader & that too can be painful. Honesty is not always appreciated even when it is well meant.

Is there more? I think I shall rather enjoy watching you kill this character off.

Well, it does hurt...a little. But it's a good sort of pain. This pain makes me stronger--makes me more aware of how my writing can be better. Thank you.

There isn't anything more...yet. I will be writing it before long, and hopefully in the context of the story I will manage to alter your view of Kayhin.

 

[Jehane]

Good -o. Don't know if you write logically from beginning to end but I rarely read anything that way so if you want to post out of context that is fine.

You are a brave lady & I admire your courage.

 

[Tariel]

I will likely post part of it later tonight

 

[Jehane]

I'll check; I'm not good at figuring out time zones. Anything with numbers confuddles me.

 

[Tariel]

I'll check; I'm not good at figuring out time zones. Anything with numbers confuddles me.

So am I Check back within the next 24 hours

 

[Tariel]

This is where Kayhin and Jaci meet. I'll post more soon. It's rather rough, so keep that in mind. Off course point out anything you need mecessary, but at the moment I'm looking more for content criticism than stystic criticism.

There was something familiar about him. The way he laid there, focused, intent, alert; every bit of his being was concentrating, ready to take whatever action became necessary.

I considered asking him what this place was, but I only took a step towards him before deciding that he was too preoccupied at the moment.

He noticed me though. “What are you doing?” he hissed.

Watching you, I thought; though reflex compelled me to give my usual response: “Nothing.”

“Well do something. You want to get killed?”

I shook my head, and glanced at the burly men picking their way through the forest. I was weaponless; there was no way I could fight them. I wouldn’t have been able to hide for long; I didn’t have the skills for that. Naturally, I took the only option that I found left to me—I ran.

“No, don’t run!” I heard him scream at me, but it was too late. I had been seen, and the only thing that there was to do was to run harder. I doubted it would work for long.

But then—oh how glorious—the stranger came up beside me and placed himself between me and them. A sword was in his hand, ready to strike.

“If I die, it’s your fault,” he muttered.

“My fault?”

He sighed. “Just be quiet.”

“What—“

“Quiet!”

I nodded, despite the fact that his back was to me. He was so alert that I suspected that he was able to sense my slight movement, even without sight.

“Just trust me—I can deal with them.”

They were close now, and my protector tensed, forcing himself into that same focused determination I had noticed when I first saw him.

“Do you really want to fight?” he asked them amiably. He sounded so friendly that it became easy to overlook the fact that he carried a sword and was ready to strike. “You know what happened last time; do any of you want to end up like poor Eylan?”

I had never seen anything like it—the five grown men seemed almost to hesitate at the words of the boy who was hardly older than me.

“Why….should we trust you?” one of the men asked. I was shocked: they really were hesitating.

“If I’m what you say I am, you don’t stand a chance. I would be able to destroy you all right now. And if I’m not what you say I am, you really don’t have any reason to be hunting me. So if I were you, I’d take the chance and get out of here.”

“We’re not hunting you,” the leader insisted. “We were hunting….the girl.”

I gaped at them, horrified. I was going to protest, but the stranger silently warned me to remain quiet. “You want the girl.” I wondered if the incredulity in his voice was as obvious to them as it was to me.

“Y—yes.”

“Are you sure? She’s my friend, but she’s a dangerous one. I didn’t think you were stupid enough to try it.”

“No—of course not.”

“Then why are you still here?”

I nearly laughed as I watched all of them glace at each other nervously, and the slowly back away to what they considered a safe distance before turning and running.

“That was brilliant!” I cried, so relieved to be rid of them that I threw my arms around him.

He just stood there rather awkwardly until I laughed and let go. “So, what’s your name?” I asked. I was sure I knew him—but where had I met this amazing young man before?

“Johen.”

The name wasn’t familiar. But I could have sworn that I had seen those clear eyes and that battered mass of brown hair before. “Nice to meet you; I’m Jaci.”

“Where are you headed?”

“I’m not sure,” I replied.

“Please try to figure it out quickly. I can’t afford to have anybody following me around. Sooner or later those morons are going to realize that I can’t kill them simply by looking at them, and then I’ll be in trouble. I really don’t think you want to get caught up in all that.”

“You're hurt!"

He looked at his bared arm and shrugged. "It does look odd, doesn't it."

"Yes it looks 'odd'! It looks painful too. What on earth did you do to yourself?"

"Oh, you mean these?" He lightly ran his hand along the gashes. "They don't hurt--had them for years."

"You are crazy."

"Maybe so. But if you knew Eyste, you'd understand."

"Eyste?" The name sounded so familiar, but I could not think of where I had heard it before.

He nodded. "Iec! It's safe!"

"Good." A young man with his long dark hair tied back stepped out from behind the thick grove of trees, with a small dragon clinging to his chest. "Here, take her back. I don't know how you can stand her."

And then I realized it. Iecan. Eyste. I knew them. I turned to the man who had saved my life; the dragon embedded in his bare arm explained everything. "You're Kayhin," I whispered in awe.

Iecan shifted nervously, and Kayhin just stared at me with those black brown eyes—oh how had I not recognized them before now? How many times had I seen them in my mind, attempted to draw them, dreamed of this moment?

“You know me?” he asked cautiously.

“Of course I know you!” I blurted.

“What?” He was nervous, I could tell. I froze. How was I supposed to explain to Kayhin that he was my creation?

“I—I make it my business to know the whereabouts of witch-spawn.” It was a stupid thing to say, but I said it anyway.

Kayhin froze and stared at me.

“It doesn’t bother me,” I said hurriedly. “I just….tend to know these things.”

 

[Jehane]

That's good! I laughed! Well done!

Only negative - some of the transitions are a little clumsy but your edit will probably pick those up.

That was a hoot! Really.

 

[Tariel]

That's good! I laughed! Well done!

Only negative - some of the transitions are a little clumsy but your edit will probably pick those up.

That was a hoot! Really.

You really found it that amusing? Wow. I've had a lot of reactions about my writing, but this is the first piece that induced laughter.

 

[Jehane]

Blame my warped sense of humour. Plus, probably completely unintentionaly on your part, I picked up on a sort of 'tongue-in-cheek' element because it is someting I do myself & it amuses me. The situation itself is funny - but then I know he's a character & you're the creator. Sorry if you are offended (thankfully you don't offend easily) but I really enjoyed this. I loved the sense of just landing in the middle of some-one's life & creating chaos. Like I said, I really enjoyed it & I found it really funny, but my sense of the ridiculouse & the ironic is well developed.

 

[Tariel]

Blame my warped sense of humour. Plus, probably completely unintentionaly on your part, I picked up on a sort of 'tongue-in-cheek' element because it is someting I do myself & it amuses me. The situation itself is funny - but then I know he's a character & you're the creator. Sorry if you are offended (thankfully you don't offend easily) but I really enjoyed this. I loved the sense of just landing in the middle of some-one's life & creating chaos. Like I said, I really enjoyed it & I found it really funny, but my sense of the ridiculouse & the ironic is well developed.

oh, I'm not offended at all! I found it quite enjoyable to write (and I thought it rather amusing) I'm just glad you thought so too.

I was just checking to make sure it was really amusement, and not "this is so terrible it's funny"

 

[Jehane]

Not at all - & the goo-goo eyes! Yes, I thought you enjoyed writing it. That came through very well. Try it on someone else. I'm always in trouble for laughing at the wrong things in the wrong places. I've argued for Romeo & Juliette as a comedy.

 

[Tariel]

Not at all - & the goo-goo eyes! Yes, I thought you enjoyed writing it. That came through very well. Try it on someone else. I'm always in trouble for laughing at the wrong things in the wrong places. I've argued for Romeo & Juliette as a comedy.

i've never read Romeo & Juliet...but Hamlet was quite amusing

Yeah...I'll ask a few others I always do. It's just in my nature to get several opinions

Anyway...I'm working on writing the night before his death right now...so that should be up soon--then I'll do his actual death scene

 

[Jehane]

Looking forward to it. Go enjoy!