I need some help

[Tariel]

Proves my point completely.

I should be shot for being ambigious. Yes this works. Not sure that I would have done it this way. Still think it is better as a general rule not to start with a conjunction.

What proves what point?

And I've gotten into some...er...heated discussions about the grammer in this piece. That's why I brought it up.

The narrator is quite emotionally distressed. What kind of person cares about grammer when she's mourning her beloved? I believe that the imperfect use of grammer adds to the traumatic sense of the piece. I think that it would have not sounded quite right without the "errors."
Just my opinion.
I'll start my sentences with conjunctions whenever I feel like it.

 

[Jehane]

You do that!

P.S I try not to fight. Everyone's different & entitled to their opinion. You just have to remember - I'm always right

 

[Tariel]

You do that!

P.S I try not to fight. Everyone's different & entitled to their opinion. You just have to remember - I'm always right

No...I really want to know your opinons on the grammer. I'm sorry, I'm not an "agree to disagree" person. I need resolution. So tell me what you think.

 

[Jehane]

Please remember you asked so I'll say.

It's fine & it's modern BUT...

What Shakespheare have you read? Ophelia tears apart better & with better grammer despite the fact she drives me crazy. Ditto Hamlet.

Bottom line, I don't think poor grammer = emotional distress. Nor is it necessary to convey the idea of distress.

I think the story is weak & I don't think the lack of grammar helps it.

However most modern readers struggle with Shakespheare's complexities of language & certainly don't read him for pleasure. No doubt someone will be pleased to point out that they are the exception.

Or try the bible. One of the most heart rendering cries is David's, 'Oh, Absolom! My son! My son!' or this simple statement; Jesus wept.

I don't agree with Disraeli that comparisions are odious. Sometimes they are necessary so we know the good from the bad.

I should not have written that little story like that. For me it is like overdosing on the emotion & sometimes less has way more impact. And I would have done something with the grammar. Look a conjunction in the wrong place.

For what it is I quite like it but it's not great literature either. I will never manage it; I'm just not that good a writer, but I prefer to try & emulate the greats than sink to laziness because it is easier.

Don't shoot! Don't shoot! (Some-one really bit my head off in book club about the way I state my opinions so now I'm a little gun shy, o.k?)

Or did you want me to analyze the piece?

 

[Tariel]

Please analyze it.

And what I meant about the grammer is that Jaci wrote this while emotionally distressed. Do you really expect her to care about the grammer? And I'm only saying this because she gets comments like this all the time, don't say that she should go back and edit it. It's important to her that it's left this way.

Btw, this is not a proper story, as I'm sure you've noticed.

 

[Jehane]

No, but that makes it a completely different type of writing & for a completely different purpose. That being so no analysis is needed. However if it were for public consumption it would need editing in my view. The idea of good writing is being able to take one's emotional distress & turn it into art.

Will do what I did with yours & try & fish it out then get back to you.

 

[Tariel]

And please don't take this the wrong way, but you're not exactly the kind of person I would bleed for. I will certainly take your thoughts and opinions into account, but I answer to Doc above the opinions on anybody on here.

 

[Tariel]

No, but that makes it a completely different type of writing & for a completely different purpose. That being so no analysis is needed. However if it were for public consumption it would need editing in my view. The idea of good writing is being able to take one's emotional distress & turn it into art.

Will do what I did with yours & try & fish it out then get back to you.

ok...sounds good

 

[Jehane]

Good heavens! You hardly know me, why would you bleed for me? Why would I ask you?

I am assuming (correctly?) that this is an impartial discussion that does not necessarily have any bearing on your (or anyone else's) work.

I am opinionated but harldly think my word is the be all & end all. Why would I expect you to listen to anything I have to say on writing? You don't know my work. You don't know what I know & don't know or even if I can write at all. You posted, I responded. End of.

 

[Tariel]

Good heavens! You hardly know me, why would you bleed for me? Why would I ask you?

I am assuming (correctly?) that this is an impartial discussion that does not necessarily have any bearing on your (or anyone else's) work.

I am opinionated but harldly think my word is the be all & end all. Why would I expect you to listen to anything I have to say on writing? You don't know my work. You don't know what I know & don't know or even if I can write at all. You posted, I responded. End of.

I still need to hear more about Jaci's work.

I just wanted to make sure you weren't offended. Some people are.

 

[Jehane]

Not offended, no. Criticism is necessary if one wants to improve the quality & standard of one's work. My brother has a very good term he uses for people who only write for themselves with no consideration for how it will impact a reader but I don't think I can post it publicaly. Oh, well. I've got Jaci's story out but it may take me some time to work through it.

 

[Tariel]

Not offended, no. Criticism is necessary if one wants to improve the quality & standard of one's work. My brother has a very good term he uses for people who only write for themselves with no consideration for how it will impact a reader but I don't think I can post it publicaly. Oh, well. I've got Jaci's story out but it may take me some time to work through it.

ok

 

[Jehane]

Right! I do not wish to minimise Jaci's grief or how she has used her writing to deal with it. My comments are strictly to do with this as a piece of writing that at some point she may care to develop more fully.

I would actually like to see this worked on. After reading this more carefully grammar does not strike me as the problem with this piece however.

There are 3 main problems.
Firstly the narrator tells rather than shows.
Secondly it lacks specifics.
Thirdly I get no sense of personality of either the narrator or the man of whom she speaks.

I will addres them separately. Showing is almost always better than telling. Where are the actions that reveal character? We have 5 senses that really aide in setting a story firmly in a reader's mind & the narrator uses none of them.

I feel this ties in with the lack of specifics & no sense of personality. Who is this man? I can't make any guess at his age, race, personality...zilch, zip, zero. That makes it hard for me to care about him. Nothing has really engaged my attention. I'm told he's afraid. Where are his words? However halting they would carry more power & weight than me just being told he was afraid. What specifically scared him? Where are the telling little details that would create a living cameo? ie some little thing she specifically misses - the way the sun catches in his stubble at the end of the day, the way his nails splay over stubby fingers, the nails black with grease despite constant scrubbing...you know the sorts of things I mean. Sorry just saying she misses his 'powerful embrace' doesn't do it for me. It creates no picture in my mind. Again, of what does she dream? Does she wake to the smell of his aftershave sharp in her nostrils? Does the fan whirr like chopper blades?

Specifics again for how he died. There shouldn't be vague generalizations. Which war? (Yes, it matters; Hiroshima is not Long Tan.)

The starkness could be better emphasised. He's dead would be better than He's gone.

That's the negatives.

I really liked the imagery of his voice ringing in her heart. Excellent. "I hear his words &...' again I quite liked this.

If I can be made to care in the first half then the ending works beautifully. I get the sense of the ringing bell again. Plus these are his own words. They ring true & they are powerful because of it. I am being shown, not told. Much better.

I think this could be developed into something very powerful. At present it is a very personal expression of one person's grief, which does not make it bad or wrong, just not art. I do not think the emotional content justifies excusing lack of writing technique if it is for public consumption for the reasons stated earlier.

May I ask why you shared this with me? And I hope it's o.k with your friend.

 

[Tariel]

Like this?: "I yearned for him, yearned for the way his eyes glistened with pride after he killed, the way he would hold me afterwards and tell me that I was safe. I longed for his laugh--that cocky smile he adopted whenever he was amused. I missed the nights around the fire; I missed his shield against the night. I missed the gashes on his arm, the scars.

"But I knew. Always I knew. I knew that he would die. His best friend never knew, but I did. I killed him. I killed my beloved. I did everything in my power to prevent it--but it wasn't enough. It was never enough, it never could be enough.

"There is more. I can do more. I will do more."

anything more than this Jaci fears posting on a Christian site.

and you ask why I showed you: because Jaci asked me to.

 

[TexasSky]

I like it, but when I hit this line,

But that didn’t prepare me for what I saw as I finally entered that last number—when I finally finished the puzzle.

I wanted to know what puzzle, and what number, and when I didn't get that answer, I was irritated.

 

[Tariel]

I like it, but when I hit this line, [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT]

I wanted to know what puzzle, and what number, and when I didn't get that answer, I was irritated.

The exact number is not important. The puzzle will be explained (to some extent) before long

 

[Jehane]

Questions, questions, questions. Are we so scarey?

Yeah, like that but that's one irritating character! At least I've learnt enough to be annoyed.

 

[Tariel]

Questions, questions, questions. Are we so scarey?

Yeah, like that but that's one irritating character! At least I've learnt enough to be annoyed.

which one's annoying? Kayhin or Jaci?

 

[Jehane]

Kayhin. Jaci's fine. She strikes me as being a sweetie but it's hard to tell from her writing. She hides.

 

[Tariel]

Kayhin. Jaci's fine. She strikes me as being a sweetie but it's hard to tell from her writing. She hides.

So what is it about Kayhin that you find so annoying?