I Need Some Help

[tryingtobe]

Hello Everyone,
I signed up on this site because I need some serious advice.
I met my husband 6 years ago. We met over a mutual interest. He travelled to visit me a few times and then wanted to move to my location (it's a very far distance) and marry me. I was young and not ready for marriage so I drifted from him. We both led separate lives, I ended up having a child and then separating from my childs father. We reconnected and he accepted me back into his life. Over the years we spent apart we both had looked for each other and never forgotten each other. He proposed to me a few months after reconnecting and I accepted. We had a long distance relationship for over a year and he bonded singificantly with my child and has been wonderful. He moved here to be with my child and I, and we started planning for the wedding. After we started living together things started to get rocky but we both believed that our love was strong enough. All of the incidents involved me doing something I didn't think would affect him (unexpectedly having lunch with a friend - not a male friend or anything, just a friend) and him being seriously affected by it. After he is affected I try to modify my behavior, but it feels like I never get it right. We got married anyway, believing that we can get through anything with the grace of God. Since the wedding a few months ago things have gotten much worse. We bought a new house and he dosen't approve of my family comming over (they encouraged me to not be in a long distance relationship with someone). I also seem to be getting things wrong much more often and affecting him much worse. Whenever I try to make him happy by doing something, he is affected and when I explain that I did it this way because of his past reaction he tells me not to dwell on the past. Yet I feel if I had done the same thing he was affected by he would be affected worse by the fact that I did it again. He's beginnig to talk about moving away from me and he no longer looks me in the eyes when we talk. I find myself feeling uncomfortable and awkward around him and I'm afraid to do anything because I love him and want to make him happy. I don't know what to do.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

It sounds like this guy has serious control/trust issues.

You can't even have lunch with a female friend?

I think you're fine. He is the one who needs to change. But will that happen?

Your child may be learning his controlling behavior.

Has he ever become abusive?

 

[gracefaith]

Do you attend church? Is there a minister that the two of you could talk to?

 

[Cright]

I agree with Mr. Cheese...

I once dated someone who had a fit one time when I cancelled our dinner plans because my best friend was in labor and wanted me to watch her daughter while she was giving birth to her son.

There were other smaller things before that.. but this was the one that opened my eyes. He said "I wonder what you would have done if I had been hurt or something, I wonder where your loyalties really lie"

2 thinks hit me then... 1 - he was treating me as if I had acted unloyal to him (someone I'd dated less than 2 months mind you) because I was being a good friend to a lady I've know my ENTIRE life! 2- he was treating me as if I was HIS (not just a gf or wife even, but a piece of property).

It reminded me of some old french movies... of how the king demanded to be treated by servents. I realised he was not the type of person I wanted to EVER become wife to.

The thing is, I wanted to marry a man I'd do anything for, who I'd put first (next to God) and work hard to take care of him and our family. I did NOT want a man who made me feel like every decision I made was either for him, or against him... and always wrong.

Now.. your married to this man, that brings up these bad memories of a (thankfully) very short relationship I had years ago... and so you can't just up and leave.

I'd have to suggest finding a pastor (with a counseling degree) or a counselor (who is a Christian). Even if your husband doesn't go, you should.

Present it to him this way: I want to have the best marriage with you in the world. I think it'd be great if we had someone more knowledgeable in the bible than us to help us achieve the greatest marriage!

If you mention the negativity, I have a feeling he'll feel attacked and not even give going a thought in the world.

My prayers are with you...

Carina

 

[tryingtobe]

Thank you for your responses. Since we bought our new house we have not attended church. We were recommended a church with a family tie to our old one so this is where we are planning to attend. There have been a number of reasons why we haven't been there yet mostly because my child has special needs so we've been working on those, and we've had trouble finding arrangements to get there because of the location. I know of another church that is closer but currently has no pastor. The recommended church was recommended becaue the pastor there is an amazing and motivating speaker. Because of this his time is very limited as the congragation is large and he gets a lot of requests.

My husband is a wonderful man. He's never even raised his voice to me. He supports me with so many things and is a wonderful step-father. When he explains why he is affected by the things I do it seems to make sense why he feels that way, but I can't seem to grasp it before I do something. I talked to a friend about it and she decided to talk to him so she could stand firm on my feelings. When they were done he had changed her mind and she understood my feelings but understood his more. I want to be a good Christian wife and I feel like I don't know how.

 

[J20]

I must admit, I am concerned for you, to me when a husband starts to isolate his wife from her family and friends that is a serious warning signal. It does seem to me as well that your husband has some serious issues with trust, has he been badly hurt in a previous relationship? Try to get into a church as quickly as possible, for both your sakes. I think you would both benefit from being in a christian environment. I would aslo suggest that you get him to try to open up a bit about why he seems to lack trust and want to control you so much.

 

[bliz]

There are many big red flags flying.

He is attempting to isolate you from other people and tkae control of everything.

Get to a church, any church, on a regular basis, with or without him. Set aside some money in your own bank account to which he does not have access. Tell him that you want the two of you to get some counseling, but go on your own if he will not go.

 

[MaidforHim]

I see a lot of warning signs here too. A general lack of trust, controlling behavior, isolating you, even some manipulation on his part by ignoring you and threatening to move away.

Your DH has some issues and I recommend the same thing, find a good Bible believing church that teaches directly from The Word. There isn't anything you can't fix with Jesus as a partner in your marraige.

BTW - it isn't uncommon to have these trust issues when you've lived together before marraige or either of you have had previous relationships outside of marraige. Those actions plant seeds of doubt (Although his behavior seems more severe.) Still, there isn't anything you can't over come with God's help.

God Bless

 

[kayd1966]

I'm quite concerned for you too and agree with the other posters.

Please get yourself and your child to church, even if he doesn't want to come. Make some friends and get in contact with your pastor and his wife. You need to build a relationship with them and get their contact numbers incase you need help.

If you have a way of putting some money away, start doing that now.

Has he adopted your child? I would stall any of those proceedings if they are in the works right now.

You are in my prayers, please keep you and your child safe.

 

[tryingtobe]

Thank you all so much for the support and the care. This was the reason I signed up for this site and I must admit that the community here is amazing!

*Update*
We had a big talk this weekend and made some major decisions. We are going to find a way to the church that was reccommended to us and talk to the pastor. My DH also opened up to me about why he gets upset about things. He has given up his life and has no family or friends here. My family has been less than respectful of our long distance relationship (when we were apart) so he feels isolated from them. He also is not working yet and gets down about not being able to support his family. We agreed to get things in order asap so he can work and also to reach out to some other maried couples as well as giving my family another chance to show their love and acceptance for him. I decided to talk to them about how they can make him feel more welcome and they agreed that they want him to know that we are all family no matter their feelings in the past. All weekend we were able to talk and feel more like our old selves - the people we fell in love with. We are dedicated to the Lord and we feel that He has chosen us to be together so we will do everything to thank God for the blessing of having each other. We spent alot of time this weekend reading scripture together and that makes both of us feel better so we agreed to do that each night, even if only for a few minutes so that we will be able to spend that time together with God. I'm hoping that all of this will help us in our marriage.

On another note, I wanted to tell everyone who suggested that I keep money separate and not isolate myself - thank you. I am the only one working and he doesn't have access to my account that my salary is deposited into. We have a joint account that we share for any other expenses but I have to transfer money there. I'm also in a small city where most people know each other. I have lots of family close by and I will always make sure they are there.

 

[gracefaith]

Praise God! Sounds like you guys were really able to talk to each other. Do everything you can to keep that openess going.

It sounds like it would be a good idea to help him get started with a job. A lot of men take supporting the family as their main purpose in life. When they're not doing that, they feel like less than a man and consequently, terrible about themselves.

God bless. I hope He continues to work in your lives!

 

[MaidforHim]

So glad things are moving in the right direction for you. God's power is amazing. I can't imagine being married and not having Christ involved in my marraige. I sure hope the best for you all in the future.

 

[J20]

Sounds like an excellent result. Keep up reading the scriptures, it sounds fantastic.