I need help

[bobalone]

OK here is my story. I need advise. I have been widowed for over a year now and for the past 6 months I have been dating a woman that I think would be a great wife. we have a lot in common, we think alike , I have noticed I have been "finishing" her sentences ( at least in my thoughts)
She has told me things about her self that I don't thinks she tells just anyone. We get along great I have done things for her just because I like her.
First let me make this clear I am keeping our relationship on the up and up I am not trying to make a sexual move on her. We both are over 60 4 years difference I am older.
I have been married twice. My first wife left me for another man 40 years ago. My second wife passed away in 2010. I live alone, I am just an average guy with a good sense of humor and an adequate bank account and some good investments.
She was widowed about 30 years ago and have been married and divorced 2 times since. She has grown children and grand children in the area.
I have been to events with her and her family(ball games)
Here family seem to like me, One time I asked her if i could kiss her good night she answered no. one time after that I told her how much I liked her in an email (Both of these things would have been better to have done differently) now I want to get out of the dreaded "friend zone"
At times she seems like she wants me to move out of the zone then sometimes she seems aloof.
I know she still has thoughts about her departed husband, she identifies with his family and has kept his last name.
My question is how do I get out of the zone?
I have one lady in the church that I share things about us with . She tell me to take it slow because Nancy has been "wounded"
I call her and talk on the phone 3 or 4 times a week and text her with a little Hi ever morning. I have been told I must love her (I think I do)
I pray about her and what to do every day. So far GOD has answered my prayers for instance I wanted to spend Thanksgiving with her and God answered that by way of an invite to her daughters house Thanksgiving eve. we had a good time . please give me some thoughts.

 

[dayhiker]

Short version, I'm saying she is gun shy after her two divorces. No idea how long before she might be willing to talk things to the next step

 

[HeKnowsMyName]

It sounds like ya'll are enjoying each other and it 'could' develop into something more serious eventually. Why don't you ask her what her expectations are for your relationship?

 

[singlewv2011]

I would be concerned that she is still hung up on the guy who's been gone for 30 years, especially since she's been married twice since. If she hasn't allowed that situation to heal after all this time, she's probably not going to.

 

[bobalone]

Y'all are very helpful Thanks . Please pray for me as I wait upon the LORD to know when and how I should talk to her about moving out of the dreaded "FRIEND ZONE" Heck I know I love her and I think she love me but is "gun shy" because of what what others may think, she said something the other day to make me think she is moving away from that idea.

 

[Inkachu]

You've both been married, divorced, and lost spouses. Why the urgency to remarry or get into another serious relationship? You got into a new relationship just six months after your wife died (that alone seems...callous...to me). Perhaps this woman needs more time to mourn her husband; from what you said (she keeps his name, etc), that seems to be the case. Regardless of what you think, you can't force her to stop using his name, even if it's been 30+ years. Are you willing to be her friend, even if she never wants more? I think you need to sit her down and have a serious heart-to-heart about what you both feel and want.

 

[singlewv2011]

And regardless of what we all think, prayers heading your way.

 

[bobalone]

Thanks for the input and prayers
FYI it was over a year before I starded dating her. I think the sit down is what I'm going to do. I am ok with being friends and She keeps his name for the children, I'm fine with her keeping what ever name she wants to use.
GOD said "it is not good that man should be alone" that's why

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

you are in a difficult spot that needs alot of prayer. She may not WANT to move you out of the friend zone and if you say something it may make her back away from you even as a friend. The departed husband thing I totally get. Did she have her children with him? Maybe that's why the family connection is there. I have only been a widow for almost 7 years and I still keep in contact and probably always will with his family. Of course I haven't remarried since his departure, but I can understand her feelings. People that haven't gone thru a death of a spouse or someone that dealt differently may think "moving on" is what we need to do, but I say why? I will see my departed husband again and I do still love him. If I found another mate on this earth it wouldn't cause me to cease loving my departed husband, but I could still love my new mate.
So my advice is to pray pray pray, take it slow, follow her lead, ask questions but not in a you and her context. IOW ask something like "do you think you'll ever want to get married again?" or something like that. If you move too fast she might freak out and stop the relationship altogether. At least that's something I might do if I thought someone "wanted" me and I didn't feel the same back.

 

[Bridgit]

Communication is very important in a relationship. Whenever there is too much silence, it is filled with harmful, wrong assumptions. Let her know that you respect her feelings and decisions and would like her to tell you what she thinks about you and what she expects from you. Be honest with each other.

I pray that God will give you the words to use when you'll talk to her.

 

[bobalone]

Yes , I have told her how I feel and going to pray more and wait.

 

[chuck77]

My question is how do I get out of the zone?

First of all, God will work all things out for our good.

Secondly, to get out of "the zone" simply stop calling her, talk to her less and keep things as if you are more less acqaintances. Then see what happens. Simple right? If she wants to advance it, she will let you know.

Just think like there is a string attached between the two of you. You push forward, she pulls back. You pull back she comes forward.

When people are left to make decisions on their own they don't feel rushed. When pushed, they draw back.

In other words, cut her loose. For some reason, when women know we don't care, that's when they start caring.

My advise is to walk away. Sometimes you have to let go.

It's been said:

"If you love something let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever."

Or you can accept the circumstances as they are now and just be happy you're friends with her. Which is okay too. Tho, if you want something more you may need to pull back and let her go.

 

[dayhiker]

out of the friend zone .. take her dancing. pull her extra close during the waltz.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

First of all, God will work all things out for our good.

Secondly, to get out of "the zone" simply stop calling her, talk to her less and keep things as if you are more less acqaintances. Then see what happens. Simple right? If she wants to advance it, she will let you know.

Just think like there is a string attached between the two of you. You push forward, she pulls back. You pull back she comes forward.

When people are left to make decisions on their own they don't feel rushed. When pushed, they draw back.

In other words, cut her loose. For some reason, when women know we don't care, that's when they start caring.

My advise is to walk away. Sometimes you have to let go.

It's been said:

"If you love something let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever."

Or you can accept the circumstances as they are now and just be happy you're friends with her. Which is okay too. Tho, if you want something more you may need to pull back and let her go.

Weird but I totally agree with Chuck

 

[hope4today]

I feel for you Bobalone. It's a tough situation to be in. I have recently been in a situation where I fell head over heels for someone and it was difficult to know what was going on between us. It was friendship (and still is) but was it going to be more? The signals were at times conflicting and hard to read. I prayed and prayed and waited. We seemed made to measure almost.

Finally I felt it was time to bring it out in the open and ask the question about what he saw in the relationship and where he thought it was headed - the answer...Good friends but that is all.....ouch! If he'd said maybe but not now I would have been happen to wait but not so.

Even though it was an ouch it was much better to have talked about it and know. Now we're still friends and I am getting over the disappointment but it has meant I am not waiting and hoping for something that wasn't going to happen. It is allowing me to let get over it and get on with my life.

I'm so glad I did it even though it was hard.

So like others have said... communication, communication, communication - at the right time!! I don't regret waiting or talking. I think the timing is what worked for me so follow your heart and trust God to lead you and to look after your heart if it doesn't turn out the way you hoped.

And like Chuck said I have now let him go and although we're still friends I'm pulling back a little, not to mainuplate but because I've needed to just to help me let go of the hope. Who knows maybe he'll miss the way it was and realise he wants more or maybe he won't but either way we're both still ok.

If you do talk about it with her I hope it works out for you the way you'd like but also know that God is faithful and his plans for you are good so it will work out for the best in the end as you trust him.

Bless you heaps

Hope

 

[dayhiker]

I find being talking and hearing an honest reply about where someone is really helps me accept where they are. I's never good for us to try an make them into our image of what we want them to be. Plus as you point out, we can then figure out where our side of the relationship is going. Very mature way of dealing with ones relationships.

 

[chuck77]

So what's the deal? Fill us in on what's gone down. Did you give that chick the friendship pinkslip and now she's clawing at your door and begging forgivness?

I assume that is the current situation. If so, you are welcome. If, on the other hand, it has backfired and she has decided to move on and you are left wondering what happened, blame Michelle for agreeing with me.

I take no responsibility for anything I say on here. And if anyone actually listens to me, that is entirely their own fault.

Having said all that, stick to your guns if she has decided to move on. It's only a matter of time till she comes to her senses, we can't expect too much so early on.

It's only the first quarter. Stick to the plan! God be with you.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Blame ME for agreeing with YOU? HA! Yeah that's the answer hahahahahahahaha!

 

[bobalone]

here's an update. She seems to be warming up I think GOD has been speaking to her and I am willing to stay as friends if that is what Shen GOD want

 

[dayhiker]

Ya, relationships can't be forced to happen. If someone does force a relationship to happen, I don't know how they can get any enjoyment out of it. When both people want to get with each other, then they are a blessing.