I need help

[YellowSapphire]

I think I'm headed straight for Hell for what I did last night. And I don't know how to fix things.

I guess the relevant information here would be that we have two cats and that other than the masterbedroom, the only other area of the house with a door on it is the basement. One of our cats is two-year-old Daisy. We've had behavioral problems with her since the begining. The other cat is eight-year-old Lily who is nice and sweet and I just adore her.

Daisy has been waking me up several times a night for the past two years. I have not gotten a full night's sleep in about eight months. I have problems falling and staying asleep to begin with and have since I was a girl. It's not insomnia, but very light sleeper whose mind can easily rule.

She wakes me up at 11:30, 2:30, 4:30, 6:45. Most nights I cannot fall asleep between her episodes because I'm on edge that I know she's going to do it again in a few hours. And she's like clockwork. I often don't get more than 5 hours of sleep and a lot of times I sleep well into the morning to make up for the night. Before we got Daisy I was an early riser. Now I'm up at 9 most mornings and completely exhausted and lethargic.

We have tried all kind of techniques to get her to stop: giving in to her cries, ignoring her cries, shutting the bedroom door, building a baracade in the hall so she couldn't get to the bedroom door, lock her in the basement. None of these work except for locking her in the basement and even then she wakes us up by pounding on the basement door.

The problem with putting Daisy in the basement is that we have to put Lily down there as well. Lily had pancreatitis last year and it cost us several thousand dollars and tons of time (I had to tube feed her) for her to get back to normal. The stress of being thrown into the basement and the enviroment down there causes Lily to throw up-- a precurser to pancreatitis. The vet warned us that she's suseptable to getting it again and I cannot emotionally or financially afford to go through that again.

I say I can not go through that again because my husband sometimes seems to put Daisy's needs above anyone else's. He does not care if Lily gets sick or if I'm up all night so long as he gets to keep Daisy (as opposed to her going to a shelter). He's a heavy and fast sleeper, so apparently the only thing that bothers him is me complaining to him about it. Even when Daisy does wake him up, he'd rather keep the door open to her so that she can come and cuddle with him.

I warned my husband that I was at the end of my rope. I haven't slept a full night in 8 months and before that-- over a year. I told him that I'm sick all the time and I'm about to lose my mind. He did not care.

Last night, when Daisy woke me up at 2:30, I lost it. My husband put her in the basement so that I could sleep at least part of the night. I swear, something like the devil came over me. I went down to the basement and I started screaming at the cat. I hit her and would have hit her more than once, but she got a good gash in my arm. My husband has refused to discipline this cat since we got her, and I almost felt justified in my rampage.

My husband came down in the basement because I was disturbing his sleep and he has to get up for work. My husband has repetedly demonstrated his belief that "we" get enough sleep if he gets enough sleep for work. I've been complaining for two years about this cat and it just doesn't bother him because he's been sleeping and he loves Daisy.

Last night, he could not fall asleep after the incident of me losing my mind and lashing out at Daisy. He's so mad at me he won't even return my calls. One night of four hour sleep and he's furious at me. That's been my life for almost two years and he has acted like it's no big deal.

At this point, we're talking about seperate bedrooms. Of course, I get kicked out of the master bedroom, but the theory is that the cats will bother him and leave me alone. Daisy is attached to his hip and does not care much for me. He's let me know that he'll never forgive me if I get rid of Daisy. I really think he prefers that cat to me, and his actions are starting to upset me.

What can I do? My husband will not hear of counciling.

I posted this situation on another message board a few months ago because it was tearing apart my marriage and got mocked and humiliated for weeks on end for having a "creepy" husband. Please don't do that. I realize I'm opening myself up here, but if one more person turns my personal pain into a punchline, I'm going to scream.

Sorry that's so long.

 

[Restoredsoul]

Hey hun,
it must be really tough for you having so much broken sleep

i think people probably found it hard to see why your usband is putting the cat's needs above your own? Is there any way that ether of you can discuss the situation without it causing a row or has it gone on too long now?

Do you have someone who could mediate a conversation between the two of you or who could talk to your husband.

From what you have said he clearly loves his cat a lot but he should also love you as his wife and the fact that he has become so angry over this flags up the fact there is an issue.

I'm not sure what to suggest apart from that?

Hugs
Rs xxx

 

[JulySheMustFly]

First - hugs to you. I know how are it is to handle things when you are tired. I don't sleep through the night either.

As for the cats . . .
What about doing like you would with a dog? Get two kennel put a litter pan in each and water. At night put both cats into their separate kennels in the basement. To soothe Daisy you may want to put an old shirt or even pillow case that was used by your husband in with her. In the morning let them both out for breakfast and on with the day.

 

[Stringaling]

Haveyou discussed the cat's behavior with the vet? Maybe you could get sedatives to give the cat in the evenings so she will be too tired to bother you? Call the vet and ask. It couldn't hurt.....?

 

[Athene]

Haveyou discussed the cat's behavior with the vet? Maybe you could get sedatives to give the cat in the evenings so she will be too tired to bother you? Call the vet and ask. It couldn't hurt.....?

They do this with dogs, I was considering getting some for my dog a while ago because she was barking constantly all night.

You have my sympathies YS, there were times I could have cheerfully chucked my dog out of the upstairs window I was so tired and frustrated and angry, I don't really have any suggestions on how to get the cat to behave, I've always been a dog owner, have you tried getting a cat trainer in?

 

[andiesmama]

What about outside? Do you have a screened-in porch? Or you could get her a kennel & put THAT outside...AND the sedatives....AND a t-shirt of your hubby's...

Really, I'm not making fun, I'm just trying to get you to smile a little bit. We had a cat once that did the same thing, ended up putting her up for adoption at the pound because it just got to be TOO much.

If not sedatives for the cat, what about for YOU? Seriously, Tylenol PM is what I use every now & then when I have trouble sleeping....there's also something called "Alluna" (or something like that) that's all natural...

Good luck!!

 

[YellowSapphire]

I talked to my husband at work. He's no longer mad. He says he cares that I'm not getting any sleep. The problem is that he won't do anything about it. I really hate to do it, but I'm thinking of putting Lily's literbox and a foodbowl in the master bathroom so she can sleep upstairs and Daisy in the basement. We have 3 bathrooms in our house for two people, so my husband has his own. That leaves me with the responsibility of the cat litter being all over the bathroom floor, but I guess I'll have to make do.

My husband does not even like the idea of Daisy in the basement. It took me months to get him to agree to that and he'll wind up guilting me each night when we go to do it. I break pretty easily, too. I mean, I wouldn't want to be forced into the basement each night.

I can't even have a bathmat because Daisy will pee all over it. We've been to the vet for her numerous mental issues and they have not been able help us. She has an appointment in a few months for her yearly and I might wait until then. We've racked up 8K in vet bills in two years and I'd rather not pay them again.

Is it wrong to hate a cat? She's the fifth cat I've ever had and I've never disliked a cat this much-- or at all. She shows almost no interest in us during the day, but at night she's desperate for attention. I think she's evil and just hates the idea that we're asleep when she's not.

 

[YellowSapphire]

How about I stick her in the yard with a free kitten sign around her neck . I've threatened that more than once.

I don't like taking drugs to make me sleep because it leaves me feeling not good the next morning, and I've tried them all. It also won't keep the noise from waking me. I've thought about ear plugs, but with dh sleeping through me waking up in pain from acid attacks, I worry. What if the fire alarm goes off? He might not wake up.

 

[Momma2H]

I think you should put both your husband and the cat outside! Lol!

Just kidding .......maybe! But I think that maybe some good ear plugs would be good for you, so the cat won't wake you up. If this were me and my hubby was mad at me about lashing out at a cat and wanted me out of the bedroom, by all means, I'd be out and I'd let him deal with the stupid cat (not saying your cat is stupid, this is just what I'd be thinking, lol!). If he loves the cat so much, he should've married it instead of you. I don't know what a good solution is here, I'm just thinking of what I'd do.... which I don't really know. I hope things work out for ya! I know it's probably really frustrating!!

 

[c1ners]

My husband hates my cat.
But my cat is not bothersome like your husbands cat seems to be.
My cat loves only me, but he isn't mean to anyone else. He just won't love on them or sit on their laps like he does mine.
When I leave my cat inside at night he always jumps on the bed and kisses my nose to let me know he has to go outside. If my husband is home he'll sit at the side of the bed and meow. I'm also the light sleeper, so I'll get up and let him out.

Now the dog is another story!

 

[YellowSapphire]

I think you should put both your husband and the cat outside! Lol!

Just kidding .......maybe! But I think that maybe some good ear plugs would be good for you, so the cat won't wake you up. If this were me and my hubby was mad at me about lashing out at a cat and wanted me out of the bedroom, by all means, I'd be out and I'd let him deal with the stupid cat (not saying your cat is stupid, this is just what I'd be thinking, lol!). If he loves the cat so much, he should've married it instead of you. I don't know what a good solution is here, I'm just thinking of what I'd do.... which I don't really know. I hope things work out for ya! I know it's probably really frustrating!!

Oh, no, she's a stupid cat. We opened the door to our deck one day and she went running and leapt-- smack into the screen! Cats are supposed to have good vision, right?

To be fair, it's not as if my husband is kicking me out of the bed. It's my idea. It wouldn't be necessary if he'd be willing to get rid of the cat or be better about locking her in the basement... but still my idea.

 

[BigNorsk]

You could get a dog, I think this one is available:

Here kitty, kitty.

If you don't want to go that route, and of course I'm not suggesting it only trying to interject a little humor, because last night, you probably would have paid good money for such a dog. Difficult to know what to do. Pets become like children to people and even when people say that their marriage has to come first they don't actually seem to live that way sometimes.

I have fibromyalgia and experienced years of never getting good sleep, even if you get back to sleep, the interuptions are probably preventing you getting enough good, deep sleep. You really need it and those who fall into deep sleep at the drop of a hat just don't seem to understand that others aren't that way. It's actually a very rare person who actually understands how others feel, your husband isn't unusual, he's pretty much normal.

Is the cat waking you up to do something or just coming in and waking you and making noise if she can't. Does it want something?

If the basement is so inhospitable for cats, is there a room downstairs that a door could be added to to make a kitty room? And not just a place that they are locked in at night but a place where they have their food and water and litter box and so on? You could move the current contents upstairs to an unused bedroom.

Otherwise, I think the separate bedrooms for you and your husband is probably best for now.

Marv

 

[YellowSapphire]

We don't know what she wants. She cries and knocks things off shelves to get our attention. We removed all the stuff from the dresser top and then she started scratching it to wake us up (we had her claws taken out, but the sound wakes me up). I think she wants my husband to play with her. But do you think he wants to get up three times a night? Didn't think so.

Our townhouse has an "open floor plan," so the two rooms with doors are the only ones compatiable with doors. Our living room actually has a huge cut-out window into the hallway, so they can just jump out through that even if we could put a door on it.

Does anyone with cats know whether a cat can go the whole night without using the litter pan? Because then we could just shove Daisy in the basement without having to worry about making accomidations for Lily upstairs.

 

[felinity]

We don't know what she wants. She cries and knocks things off shelves to get our attention. We removed all the stuff from the dresser top and then she started scratching it to wake us up (we had her claws taken out, but the sound wakes me up). I think she wants my husband to play with her. But do you think he wants to get up three times a night? Didn't think so.

Our townhouse has an "open floor plan," so the two rooms with doors are the only ones compatiable with doors. Our living room actually has a huge cut-out window into the hallway, so they can just jump out through that even if we could put a door on it.

Does anyone with cats know whether a cat can go the whole night without using the litter pan? Because then we could just shove Daisy in the basement without having to worry about making accomidations for Lily upstairs.

Couldn't you get a second litter box for the basement?

 

[gracefaith]

Giving each cat in the house their own litter box is a good idea anyway. Especially if we're talking about two female cats. Female cats tend to have pretty spiteful turf wars over the litter box (which might explain the peeing on the rug incident.)

Out of curiosity, are both of these cats yours or did Daisy come with the husband? If it's the latter, I suspect that she is mighty POed at having to share her man's attentions with a woman AND another cat. That would explain a lot of her bad behavior, especially if she is used to getting a certain amount of attention from your husband and doesn't get it now (because he's married or busy.) He might to need to set aside some kitty play time each day to keep her happy.

 

[felinity]

Giving each cat in the house their own litter box is a good idea anyway. Especially if we're talking about two female cats. Female cats tend to have pretty spiteful turf wars over the litter box (which might explain the peeing on the rug incident.)

I definitely agree with this. In fact, I used to do some cat fostering, and the general rule of thumb was that you wanted a litter box for each cat in the house, plus one. So three litter boxes, in your house with two cats. I don't know that three are really necessary, but if you're able to set up a litter box for Daisy downstairs, that seems like the best option to me.

It sometimes helps to give cats some food at bedtime, so they won't be hungry and needy at night. If you don't normally have any food out for them, you mght try that.

Also, I find it easier to have a bit of white noise when I have problems sleeping. A fan sometimes helps -- it doesn't even have to be pointed at you, just on, so that it makes a bit of noise to block out the sound of Daisy's late-night brattiness.

Good luck. I've had bratty cats, too, and I know what they can be like, but I hope that you can come up with a solution that's
worthwhile for both you and the cats.

 

[BigNorsk]

Depends on the cat, but generally, I don't think it would work to go without a litter box available at night. Some flower pot or something would likely be just too tempting.

I wonder if you do the separate bedroom thing if that will actually fix the cat problem. She might stick to your husband but I wouldn't be surprised if she followed after you since you are easier to wake up.

I've seen it done more with dogs, but some people have to leave the tv on if they want their house to remain in one piece when they leave. You could try a tv set on low sound downstairs (might not even need sound just pictures of people) or a recording of your husband or a recording of your husband on the tv. If its just some sound or something that she wants because the house is too quiet, that might work.

Also, you say you don't know what the cat wants, but it's getting something, even if it's just attention. The cat has probably been trained to wake you up to get what she wants. There are several ways to fight this.

First, change her schedule. Largest feeding right before bedtime. Exercise her by playing hunting games and such in the evening and so on. Basically tire her out during the day. Let her catch up on her sleep at night. Right now, she probably tends to sleep during the day and prowl at night looking for attention.

Another thing is the old positive or negative reinforcement. Right now she is getting positive reinforcement right up to the point where you try to kill her. Try some negative reinforcement. When she is making noise to wake you, give her a squirt of water in the face from a squirtpistol. Most cats just hate that. You aren't hurting her or anything, just making it so instead of getting something she wants when she tries to wake you, she gets something she really doesn't want. It would probably take a few nights since her behavior is pretty ingrained, but just continue layinging bed and not getting up or giving her attention and give her an occassional squirt.

I have done a variation of that when I have had cats, if they do something they aren't supposed to instead of saying no no and giving them all kinds of attention which is easily mistaken by the cat to mean good boy good boy do it again. I give them a cat hiss, speaking in their own language. I'm supposed to be more intelligent so it easier for me to speak cat than expect them to speak human. You got it right if they stop in their tracks and kind of hunch down. They will usually quit what they were doing right now, if they weren't sure what it was that made you so mad they might tentatively try to continue and another hiss or two and they catch right on. I probably would be hissing at her when she was making noise in the bedroom at night without really even thinking about it. A few hisses from the top cat in the house and the rest tend to get in line. If the hiss is ineffective the broom shows up and I've never actually hit a cat with the broom, the hiss followed by appearance of the broom and they get out. A few times and you probably couldn't pay her to come in the bedroom. And it's really not cruel, you aren't beating her or anything it isn't needed and they don't get it anyway.

If you get too tired you could give your husband a squirt and tell him its his turn, but it's probably hard to wake him without it turning into a reward for the cat so it's probably best not to.

Marv

 

[Southern Cross]

Yellow Sapphire, I feel for you. Really.

A few years ago, a couple of cats were abandoned by a family that moved away without warning. Both were declawed, nuetered, and really friendly. I am NOT a cat person, but I finally said okay and we let them into the house. They are - or were - actually pretty good cats. But I had RULES. First, I have four kids and one wife. I was NOT doing the litterbox thing, or cleaning up "accidents". Second, NO MORE CATS. The good news is that the Siamese mix and I actually got ot be pretty good chums. He'd follow me on walks and curl up next to me on the couch. Fair enough. He's a good cat. Sometimes he even sleeps at my feet. He knows not to dare wake me. We have an unspoken agreement.

Then the ferral cats out back were being fed on our back porch. I repeatedly said "no" to this practice. I did not want more cats showing up, which they did. in droves. Then two tiny kittens were bought home by my kids, then four more kittens showed up after I trapped their mother (we didn't know she had kittens), and then one of the first kittens got pregnant and we had five more. 13 cats in my household. Absolutely ridiculous. And my wife did next to nothing to get them adopted out. Again - I liked a few of them (I had one favorite) but frankly I HATE my house smelling like a friggin' litter box.

I finally put my foot down. They are out by X date or I bring them to the Humane society. Unfortunately, the local humane society put down over 400 cats last month alone. Nobody wants them anymore.

To make a long story short, I didn't sleep well for weeks... months. If I slept in bed, somehow there were kittens in the room in the middle of the night meowing or playing and knocking things over. If I slept downstairs, they were knocking things off counters and biting my feet. 11 kittens. Just great.

Cats are PETS. They are ANIMALS. I love animals just like the next person, but I don't elevate them to the position a child or family member would hold. Dogs come in close, but still, they are household PETS. If I were in your shoes, Daisy would be down at the pound so fast that her head would still be spinning, then I'd have a sit down talk (or screaming match) with hubby about what the heck he's thinking. If that fialed, I'd have my bags waiting packed by the door. Let him decide who he wants to live with, sleep with, and give his affection to. You need your sleep - it's an integral part of your health and well being.

I know I sound harsh, but I look at people who treat their pets better than children in some cases or even their spouses, and I think people just go too far and they need their priorities straightened out. Sometimes you see a cat getting more attntion than you do, and you think, "Darn, what do I have to do to get attention like that? Maybe I should sit around, pur, rub against legs, and lick my butt. Maybe even puke in a shoe and get cuddled for being sick". Sheesh.

As for me, I told my wife that if the cats weren't gone by the time she left for summer vacation with her parents up North, she could pack her bags and get her own place with the cats and that this would be one of the last straws in our marriage. I'm now back down to my original two cats and just two male kittens, and one of those is going to the pound because he's untamable.. But I'll be darned if I stay in my office or car for one more night in order to get some sleep.

I hope I'm not coming across as a meanie. Frankly, both of those cats belong to both of you, and choices must be made. Unless Daisy responds to medication (or a few swift swats of a rolled up newspaper) she will become a thorn in your marriage. Think about some boundaries, and get your husband's agreement.

Anyway, thank you for the opportunity to let me rant and hijack your thread. I feel much better now .

 

[MaraPetra]

My husband's like that with cats. He grew up without cats, and it was after we got married that he decided he wanted felines.

Pity, because one of his initial attractions was that he was cat-free.

I, on the other hand, grew up with a ton of cats on the farm. I adore them...I just don't adore them in the house with me. If I get pet hair visiting a friend, that's fine. I just never wanted it in my own home.

So these past five years have been kitty-ful. First, hubby adopted a black long-haired cat. Then, he had her bred and he kept one of the kittens. To make matters even more cozy, the cats are strictly indoors animals. They've never so much as set foot on fresh grass.

That kitten, now an adult named Azarael (or Azzie) is probably one of the most foul cats I have ever had the displeasure to know. She screams like a drunken banshee for days on end when she's in heat. She pees on my bath mat. She'll pee in the shower itself if I leave the glass door open by accident. She hisses at my kids and takes clawed swipes at my boys. She claws my furniture and leaves black hair all over the cream sofa.

All 4 kids call her the "evil black cat from Hades".

My husband adores her and thinks she's, for lack of a better phrase, the cat's meow.

That nasty feline has another habit...She'll jump on me in the middle of the night and claw my arm, breast, face...Whatever's exposed. She does the clawing so I'll move, she can snuggle between my husband and me. I'm a light sleeper, too, and I work, so this bothered me.

After three months, I got tired of it. I took an Afrin nose spray bottle, heated a needle and enlarged the spray opening just enough for the bottle to emit a steady stream. Then I mixed a few drops of peppermint oil with about 1/4 cup of water. I put that in the Afrin bottle. I didn't say a word to my husband.

That night, I got clawed again. I rolled over, sleepily grabbed the Afrin bottle, and squirted that little devil full in the face.

Cats, like dogs, have a well-developed olfactory system. Really strong smells make them run. They can't taste sweetness, so u can imagine how noxious that peppermint oil tastes as the cat tries to wash itself. That cat, jowls dripping with the mixture, jumped off the bed and ran out of the room. I snuggled under the minty covers and proceeded to sleep soundly.

The next morning, as I got ready for work, I noticed that Azzie was nowhere to be found. My husband nuzzled me and commented that he found the smell of peppermint in the room refreshing, and did I open one of the Christmas candle jars in the bedroom? Or buy a new bottle of mouthwash?

I smiled.

After three or four nights of getting clawed, and me spraying, that cat got the message. She started sleeping on my husband's side of the bed, and left me alone completely. Every now and then, though, she forgets her place and tries to claw me again. I keep the peppermint spray on my nightstand just in case.

Perhaps something similar would help you with your problem.

 

[Southern Cross]

Now that is a cool idea!