I need help, please help me I cant take it anymore!

[hardtimes123]

Hi I'am hardtimes and I'am 19 and I really need support help and advice. I just feel like crying I can't take this anymore. I believe in god and pray to him but I feel I just keep letting him down and I'am going to end up in hell. How many times can I say sorry to god and him forgive me but then do it all again and god to still forgive me when I say sorry again? I'am actually crying typing this.

I'am addicted to porn and touching yourself. Not only that but I'am also addicted to gay porn. Even though I dont think i'am gay - I dont actually fancy men - never looked at them that way at all - I always find myself staring at girls.

I try not masterbating and looking at porn and for 1 week afterwards its easy then suddenly on week 2 all these gay fantasys come into my head and then I've done it again (looked at the porn and masterbated) and back at square one.

I think my problem is 1) extremely low self esteem and shyness I really hate myself and dont think any girl will ever want to go out with me nevermind marry me, its been a year now since I have talked to any new girls my own age and this is despite going to university!!! I'am extremly shy and I know girls like masculine men and shyness is not masculine at all. I'am also really skinny and weak and have a weak sounding voice. Girls dont look at me at all - not even the desperate ones. I can see myself only getting uglier because my hair is starting to receed. I have stupid blonde hair which makes me look feminine - why couldnt it be dark??? I have never had a girlfriend, never even kissed a girl thats not my mum or aunties and grandmas! I got bullied and smacked around the place at school.

I think the gay porn comes from the idea that I will never get a girlfriend and the idea it would be so much easier to get a boyfriend and have sex that way. Also the idea of being passive and letting someone else do the work for a change is a positive. Whenever I have tried to talk to girls in the past - they all give me the cold shoulder. I have visited gay meeting sites and it is very easy to meet men much more easier than women - but I backed out because I feel its wrong and also because I'am not actually gay. It's like the fantasy turns me on but when I look at the profile pics they actually disgust me.

Also when it comes down to it, ideally I would like to not have sex until I'am married. However I really do have a HUGE SEX DRIVE. I find it very difficult to control. I would also like to marry a women who has not had sex until they are married - but it seems that most women do and it really causes me a lot of pain for some reason. I see a nice girl who looks really sweet and everything then she talks about having sex and its like she has died to me (this is from earlier whilst at school). I feel really bad and mourn it. Yeah you probably think im completly nuts now!!!

So even if I got a girlfriend what chances are they of satisying my requirement of being a virgin? Not a lot these days.

So I have a huge sex drive thats being corrupted because I can't see myself as being attractive at all to the opposite sex and I wont have sex until I'am married but can't see myself getting married because of low quality girls. So gay fantasys prop up saying : screw it all be gay get loads of sex - however men dont appeal to me at all for some reason its just the act and I find it to be like turning your back on god completly which I cannot do.

In conclusion I really don't know what to do. I'am confused. I just want the same sex fantasys to go away for good, to never touch again and never look at porn again. A nice girlfriend would be a bonus but I'am not too hopeful. All this stress is really getting to me, I can't enjoy life at the moment and sometimes I want to end it all but then that is truely selfish and I would definetly go to hell then.

Other factors that may contribute to me being so messed up? Overly controlling mum who gets all offended when you tell her to back off. I know she loves me but I'am really starting to hate her and thinking its all her fault that I'm so reserved and shy and feminine. I hate myself though when I tell her to get lost because I know she loves me but she wont listen to my complaints and is so controlling arghhhhh then she starts getting offended. It doesn't help that she gets a lot of grief of the others in my familly and I'am meant to be the nice one.

My dad doesn't really talk, is weak and not a role model at all. My mum seems like the boss of the house at times. My dad also doesnt really take much initiative to talk to me. Its always me doing that. I think he loves me, I hope so.

Any advice?

 

[goldenviolet]

little brother, bless your heart. i'm only going to talk about one part of your post. the piece where you say you look and feel femine. i'm married to a husband who likes baking, cooking, cleaning house. he loves trees, travel, alsorts of "pretty things"...
he is the most handsome, lovely, softest man i have ever known. i'm so blessed he was given to me by the Lord. my hubby, ken... has had some of the same things you say, across his path. he has loads of girlfriends, because girls like to talk to men who are gentle. he got ove his shyness with age. i just wanted to encourage you that every piece of you has a purpose. i suggest that alittle counselling will help you... give you someone to talk to. and my mail box is open prayers for you and support. xo dee

 

[Fowler]

Hey there!

1) I think that u are right bount G porn. You afraid that your shyness will ruin everything and not a single girl would never marry you.
=>A) You have to rise your self esteem. Just try to inspire yourself. I assume you are at college/university? Try to join football team, take sports I dont know. Try to get excellent marks on all subjects. Girls like smart guys . Check out sites. There are many advices on Inet.
=>B) G porn so... Ask your friends to set passwords on you know what kind of sites. Install special filters. Burn/smash all you know what kind CDs. Find reliable partner / christian. You arent alone in this struggle. Go to the Church. Pastor will help you i am sure! Dont give up.
2) Girls/ Sex Drive/ Marriage/Lust.

I am 18 virgin. I do dream about marriage and good wife and 10 kidz. BUT.
God decides when we must marry and who will be our spouse.
You must control yourself.First of all try to get rid of G porn and same sex thoughts. Work with your self-esteem. You must fight for your love. For your future.
WHen mind isnt busy with smth, bad things sunder it. Study hard/work/take up some actvities.
Your chain of sufferings can be broken. One ring be one. Pray! God never leaves his children.
I think these verses will help you.

2 Timothy 2:22, “Flee the evil desires of youth, and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. Don’t have anything to do with foolish and stupid arguments, because you know they produce quarrels.”
Job 31:1, “I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.”
Matthew 5:28, “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”
2 Corinthians 10:5, “We take captive every thought to make it obedie

Praying for you!

 

[Criada]

I am sorry things are so hard for you, brother.
It sounds as though you are very confused about who you are and how you feel.
Is there someone you can talk to about this... maybe a pastor or youth worker?

Your feelings aren't abnormal, most young men your age have a huge sex drive, and homoerotic fantasies aren't unusual. Remember, temptation is not a sin. The thoughts coming into your mind is not sinful, it is up to you to decide how to react to them... whether to reject them or dwell on them.
Keep reading the bible and praying, and you will get through this.

Praying for you.

 

[TimAM]

Hey brother. I'm sorry that you're struggling. Pray to God and ask him to strengthen you. When you get the urge, open up The Bible to the New Testament and read. Find a Church and get involved in Christian activities and make Christian friends. Also, finding a Church may be your best chance to find a virgin wife.

Give up the lusts and desires of this world and seek God.

Matthew 6:33-"But seek you first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you."

Truly seek God.

Galatians 5:22-23 "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."

Put these on and let the Holy Spirit work in you and change you for the better.

Come to God fully and flee sinful desires. When you get the urge, just get up and walk away. Do something and get away from the computer or TV. Perhaps you can find an accountability partner and a program that helps keep one off of porn sites.

Praying for ya.

 

[JPtheWannabe]

HardTimes123,

My heart truly goes out to you, probably because i can identify with what you are feeling. I have always been skinny and weak - hate it. I'm 27 now and married, so even the skinny guys can find a wife. I don't presume to be able to solve your concerns, but may I give you some lessons I've learned? These words may be difficult to swallow, but hear me out.
You have mistakenly assumed that a woman would solve your problems. That's a lie straight from the Deceiver. Keep that in your mind while you read.
What is your purpose in life? Read Matt 22:37, Ex 20:1-12, Philippians 3:8-11, Luke 14:26. Satan, under the guise of the "American Dream", has beguiled the world into believing that the purpose in life is to find happiness. It's the new Epicureanism. Matthew tells us the greatest commandment is to love God above all else. Exodus tells us to have no other gods before God. To the Philippians Paul says all his achievements were found meaningless except his relationship with God. Jesus tells his disciples that nothing can be more important to them than him. Can you see how Satan has put your focus on yourself (i.e. your need for sexual/social fulfillment) and away from God? If we allow ourselves to say, "As soon as I can get my needs met here I'll have room for God," we will be forever impotent.
Before you think it's easier for me because I'm married think again. For one thing I'm enjoying 6 months of fun in the sun in Iraq. No wife here. Also, whatever battles you are waging before marriage will only come with you. I speak from experience. For example, your wife won't want to be intimate when you want it. If you have a sex drive that seems off the charts (like me) then whatever intimacy you get from your spouse will never be enough until you conquer this thing. I think the average couple probably has intercourse once or twice per week (before kids). I have no idea what it's like after kids.
May I suggest that you try to put thoughts about getting a girlfriend out of your mind for now? Read your Bible at least 30 mins per day. I'm going to be reading Ephesians daily. "Seek first the kingdom of heaven and his righteousness, and all these things shall be added unto you." Matt 6:33. Find your purpose in the Lord and when the time is right (could be years) he will give you a wife. Being a husband is a greater responsibility than you know.
Click my name and send me a msg any time. I'll be praying for you.
Sincerely,
JP - the Wannabe

 

[Gentle Lamb]

Wow, I'm in your same situation! Except I'm not a guy! lol Actually I've had this problem for a very long time and I completely and totally understand how you feel, even about the mom thing! Just so you know, you're sooooo not alone in this!!! And I don't think you're going to be damned to hell because here you are asking for help about this because you know you can't do this alone. Well, just know that I'm praying for you, [would be nice if I knew your name, but that's okay ] so here's my advice to you. My best advice to you is to pray every single day and allllll the time and I mean ALL THE TIME. Like really, it's very difficult not to think about something you want to do very badly and I have a huge drive too like you said. Like I said, the best thing you can do is pray all the time, pray without ceasing (1 Thessalonians 5:17). Pray that God will help you put that sex drive to sleep because it's something he created you with and he can help you with it. And go on a starvation diet [I don't mean food!!!] starve your eyes/brain of all the porn images you see and learn to bounce your eyes away from any pictures you see that look anything like it. And avoid watching movies, TV shows, reading books or whatever for like a month or so [advice from a book I read about this!] this can help you avoid the fantasies and if you start fantasizing, start talking out loud to God and just be honest and be like here’s the situation, help me out with. God says that whenever you’re confronted with temptation he’ll always provide a way out and I think the best way for this is to pray it away. If you fail at any time, remember a saint is just a sinner who fell down and got up again [lyrics from a song] and remember God loves you more than you can ever imagine. And about the girls situation, my mom said the best way to meet someone is by praying about it! So pray for the kinda girl you’re looking for and God will help you meet someone. And what matters most is what’s on the inside, not what’s on the inside, so try and make peace with your reflection [again, advice from that fabulous book I read… you should read Every Young Man’s Battle. I read the girl’s book and it was pretty good, very enlightening and helpful] and try not to worry about the girls too much. To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under the sun. [Ecclesiastes 3:1] You’ll find her! God Bless You and may He strengthen you! I’ll keep you in my prayers! [My lengthy confession is under Christian Forums Prayer Team -> don’t know what to do anymore, if you’d like to see it. People’s advice helped a lot. Prayer helps so much too.]

 

[Faith87]

Hey there

I'm not sure how long ago this was posted, but I wanted to reply because I want you to know you're not alone. In fact I may be in a even more sinful position than you.

I am a 21 year old female doing the same exact thing. The thing is, I just got baptised a couple of weeks ago. And I keep doing it out of this extreme lonliness and I guess to feel loved. Which only makes me feel more empty

I know right. I am a disgusting piece of trash.

Right now I'm just angry. Angry at myself. Angry at God. I'm angry at the christian population. I feel angry when I see people who have virtually no problems on the street with a great significant other, a house, a job, kids, a dog, and happiness. Although I have no right to be angry at God or these people. I'm angry because I feel like even though I'm generally misunderstood and try to reach out to them, the church don't really care about me. I tell myself it's way too hard to be a christian, let alone having people gasping at your sins and shoving them back down your throat, and telling you you might go to hell.

Since I was younger I struggled with a pretty screwed up family. My family is literally riddled with mental problems. The most advice I got for that was a). See a psychiatrist b). Pray and turn to God. None of these have ever helped.

Did I try hard enough? I think I did. I took that advice and tried, to the best of my ability to heal. But I can't biologically rearrange the things that are wrong with me in my head.

Besides that, in the last two years, three of my grandparents have died. My dog died a couple of days ago after I rushed back from a roadtrip to Florida. I have no friends left. They all say I'm too negative (and they do have a point there). It also turned out my step-grandfather (who owned the family business that my parents were working at (the one my grandmother used to control us by offering job positions so that we all could become her little puppets) and aunt and uncle worked together to screw my parents and us out of a job. So after that happened, turned out my mom might potentially have cancerous lumps in her throat and uterus. I also have no health insurance due to being rushed to the ER in an ambulance a couple of months ago after experiencing what I believed to be a near death experience, only to be ridiculed in my face, and told I was suffering from anxiety. I've been suffering from anxiety all my life, and that has never come close to *seeing white lights while suffocating to death*, so insurance companies are declining me. Besides that, i am having a hec of a time trying to get through college, and am not even sure I can.

Yeah. I'm still angry. I feel like I'm losing my soul. I'm getting to the point of indifference. Sometimes I say sorry to God out of fear of going to hell even though I'm not sure if I really mean it. That's the truth. I don't think God likes that, and I've (maybe warped sense of reality?) tried not to let the fear force me to say sorry to God until the time I mean it. At this point, I feel so emotionally dead I'm not sure if I should force that, if it's something that comes naturally, or something that will ever come at all.

I really wanted to change after I got baptised. I believed I was going to change. Until my dog died. That may sound like a stupid reason, but my dog was my best friend. My life. He gave me the strength to keep on going, and was the only thing I had to hug at night. Half of the time I don't know what the hec I'm doing. Half of the time I'm at bible study, I feel ashamed for not being able to understand the bible without my preacher's ability to decode it. More than half of the time I'm wondering if I'm doing anything at all right. And worrying about it is really draining me out.

I've been wracked with alot of guilt, but I think I just can't take it anymore. I am one freaking screwed up person. I did alot of things wrong, things that I'm not sure can be forgiven. I told God (after my dog died) that I hated him. Outloud. I think I yelled it.

I just want you to know that you are not alone. Find comfort in that. If you think you feel sinful...egh, I only hope that God has enough forgiveness for me because right now, I just feel like an inhumane psychopath. I think God will forgive you. But that's just my opinion, so maybe you should share your thoughts with him.

If I even get to go to heaven, I'm not sure how I'm going to stand before God without fainting or blacking out. I think by now, he should be pretty tired of me.

 

[VinsonBrown]

Sexual Addicts Anonymous can help you understand your addictions and where they come from. Meetings are free, no one will know your name and they might be able to help you. They are not a christian group, but you could also go to a Christian Counselor-- one that has a sliding scale for fees.

VB

 

[Miss Elly]

Hey there

I'm not sure how long ago this was posted, but I wanted to reply because I want you to know you're not alone. In fact I may be in a even more sinful position than you.

I am a 21 year old female doing the same exact thing. The thing is, I just got baptised a couple of weeks ago. And I keep doing it out of this extreme lonliness and I guess to feel loved. Which only makes me feel more empty

I know right. I am a disgusting piece of trash.

Right now I'm just angry. Angry at myself. Angry at God. I'm angry at the christian population. I feel angry when I see people who have virtually no problems on the street with a great significant other, a house, a job, kids, a dog, and happiness. Although I have no right to be angry at God or these people. I'm angry because I feel like even though I'm generally misunderstood and try to reach out to them, the church don't really care about me. I tell myself it's way too hard to be a christian, let alone having people gasping at your sins and shoving them back down your throat, and telling you you might go to hell.

Since I was younger I struggled with a pretty screwed up family. My family is literally riddled with mental problems. The most advice I got for that was a). See a psychiatrist b). Pray and turn to God. None of these have ever helped.

Did I try hard enough? I think I did. I took that advice and tried, to the best of my ability to heal. But I can't biologically rearrange the things that are wrong with me in my head.

Besides that, in the last two years, three of my grandparents have died. My dog died a couple of days ago after I rushed back from a roadtrip to Florida. I have no friends left. They all say I'm too negative (and they do have a point there). It also turned out my step-grandfather (who owned the family business that my parents were working at (the one my grandmother used to control us by offering job positions so that we all could become her little puppets) and aunt and uncle worked together to screw my parents and us out of a job. So after that happened, turned out my mom might potentially have cancerous lumps in her throat and uterus. I also have no health insurance due to being rushed to the ER in an ambulance a couple of months ago after experiencing what I believed to be a near death experience, only to be ridiculed in my face, and told I was suffering from anxiety. I've been suffering from anxiety all my life, and that has never come close to *seeing white lights while suffocating to death*, so insurance companies are declining me. Besides that, i am having a hec of a time trying to get through college, and am not even sure I can.

Yeah. I'm still angry. I feel like I'm losing my soul. I'm getting to the point of indifference. Sometimes I say sorry to God out of fear of going to hell even though I'm not sure if I really mean it. That's the truth. I don't think God likes that, and I've (maybe warped sense of reality?) tried not to let the fear force me to say sorry to God until the time I mean it. At this point, I feel so emotionally dead I'm not sure if I should force that, if it's something that comes naturally, or something that will ever come at all.

I really wanted to change after I got baptised. I believed I was going to change. Until my dog died. That may sound like a stupid reason, but my dog was my best friend. My life. He gave me the strength to keep on going, and was the only thing I had to hug at night. Half of the time I don't know what the hec I'm doing. Half of the time I'm at bible study, I feel ashamed for not being able to understand the bible without my preacher's ability to decode it. More than half of the time I'm wondering if I'm doing anything at all right. And worrying about it is really draining me out.

I've been wracked with alot of guilt, but I think I just can't take it anymore. I am one freaking screwed up person. I did alot of things wrong, things that I'm not sure can be forgiven. I told God (after my dog died) that I hated him. Outloud. I think I yelled it.

I just want you to know that you are not alone. Find comfort in that. If you think you feel sinful...egh, I only hope that God has enough forgiveness for me because right now, I just feel like an inhumane psychopath. I think God will forgive you. But that's just my opinion, so maybe you should share your thoughts with him.

If I even get to go to heaven, I'm not sure how I'm going to stand before God without fainting or blacking out. I think by now, he should be pretty tired of me.

Dear one, it is not a sin to have all these feelings, you're hurt and angry. The main thing is first for you to have an overhaul by the king of king and lord of lords, for you to recieve his peace, love and forgiveness. Let God handle your life and all the temptations you feel. Am praying for you and for the young man that started the thread. God bless you.

 

[Kennesaw]

Dear Hardtimes123 and Faith87,
I was a porn addict for decades. First it was Playboy, then Penthouse, and then internet porn, that masterpiece of the devil, which is like a multi-storied hell: you can go as deep as you dare, and, to my shame and regret, I went very deep. Like H123, I'm not gay, but happily married (2nd time) for 18 years, but I looked at gay porn, and worse.
Why do I say was, using the past tense? Because about 6 weeks ago I was diagnosed with metastatic prostate cancer and put on hormone treatments that mask testosterone, killing the libido. For years I had cried out to God to deliver me from my addiction. He finally did, Thank God! Just not quite in the way I'd hoped!!
In the past 6 weeks, ironically, I've learned a lot about this addiction, and about how there is help for men like us (and women like Faith87).
Here's the most critical thing I've learned: You cannot overcome this kind of addiction on your own. It can only be done working with others/another.
I read down through a lot of the responses on this thread, and I pretty much agree with them all (read your bible, pray like crazy, renounce your sin, etc., etc.), except that for guys as bad off as us, it doesn't work. All those things are good, and we must, as Christians, do them. But listen, please: God did not call us to live the Christian life alone. Christianity is a "team sport," like baseball and football and soccer, not like tennis, where it's one on one (me against the devil).
For men who are addicted to porn (or anything else, for that matter), there is a wonderful affiliation of men know as the Samson Society, founded by a guy named Nate Larkin and some others. (You can google those; I'm not allowed to use links yet because I'm a newbie.) Just go ahead and do that and check it out. That will save me a lot of time and keep this post from becoming too long.
I pray that you will do this, and that then you will find a group and attend it, and that then you will start on the road to recovery, accepted by your brothers and by your Lord.

 

[chrisnu]

On several different sites, I've seen this on-line Bible study course, which includes mentorship and accountability, highly recommended

Way of Purity - Setting Captives Free

Definitely pray about pursuing it. Remember that you're not alone, and God does not love you any less because of anything you have done.

 

[EmmyGV]

Hi hardtimes, very curious how you got on after the great advice given here?

Stay strong. God bless you.

 

[VegetarianKitty]

Oh, and hardtimes. Those girls that talk about how they've had sex and whatever aren't worth your time. There are plenty of girls that are virgins and would love a man that is shy and loving, as it sounds like you are. Girls that don't have sex just don't go bragging about how they haven't, it really isn't much of a subject with us. The only I do is wear my purity ring. (Not saying you should run around looking for girls with Purity Rings...because it was a "fad" recently and some girls don't mean it.) That's not to say there aren't plenty of us out there! God has someone special for you, in his time. Don't fret about it, He will provide. God Bless!

 

[gurl_962]

The biggest lie we believe is that we are alone and no one else struggles this way.

 

[gurl_962]

question, why does my posts have a sign, "rated" on it?

 

[the.Sheepdog]

HI Gurl_962. The posts in this forum area are moderated meaning they are not visible until a mod comes along to check and make sure it isnt harmful. Your two posts are visible now!

 

[John-Phillip]

Hi I'am hardtimes and I'am 19 and I really need support help and advice.......I'am addicted to porn and touching yourself. ....I try not masterbating and looking at porn and for 1 week afterwards its easy then suddenly on week 2 all these gay fantasys come into my head and then I've done it again (looked at the porn and masterbated) and back at square one. ...Any advice?

Hi...porn is really really evil. I would encourage you to do anything you can to stop that. But can I suggest that you try one thing at a time? God is not a harsh task master and he will accept the smallest step from you in the right direction. Firstly you are loved and forgiven. That is a certainty. I have been a Christian for 23 years and I know what sin and failure feels like. Anyway. You seem to have three 'problems': porn/gay porn; gay fantasies and masturbation.

Why doin't you try for a week to avoid porn/gay porn at all costs. Try to avoid gay fantasies too but if you fail never mind. The 'task' this week is keeping away from porn. If you manage that well done! In week two do the same but try to stay away from gay fantasies too.
See if you can avoid sinful fantasies when you touch. This is a contentious issue and I don't want to impose my beliefs but I would encourage you to try a step at a time and to pray. I also recommend abstaining from mb a couple of days a week to permit a better prayer connection with God. If you fail at any point, seek forgiveness then try again. God loves you fellow sinner!

 

[skygazer]

Hardtimes, you are NOT alone. I struggled with porn & masturbation for 35 years before seeking help. Recovery is not an instantaneous thing... for me, it is a lifelong process. 4 things have contributed to my recovery, all inspired by my higher power:
1. weekly meetings, which for me need to include worship, lessons, and encouragement
2. weekly small group share meetings, where I can tell people who care about me what's happening in my life and not be judged or "fixed"
3. accountability with a sponsor, at least once a week, who I can call when I start to feel vulnerable or start taking lust hits
4. having been through at least one 12 step study, with a group for support and accountability, where I can begin to understand and address my deep heart issues and character defects, and reflect on my relationship with my creator.

I have found online recovery programs helpful, but not sufficient. For me, a Christian, I'm getting all four of these things I need through Celebrate Recovery. Sexaholics Anonymous is another 12-step program that meets many of these needs in a secular way.

I couldn't make any progress in my own recovery until I honestly asked myself "to what length are you ready to go" in order to conquer this? I had to decide if I was ready to let go of the emotional rock that was dragging me down below the water... and when I was ready, I had to trust God that I wouldn't drown anyway.

Letting go of pornography can be a very empty, scary place. You will need someone to be there for you... I sure do, every day!

God Bless!