I Must Needs Vent

[Beth1231]

:Ahem: Please forgive, I very rarely vent on CF....


The week my husband and I said our vows, my irresponsible BIL (Hubby's only sibling) got his girlfriend pregnant. It took a few months, but we all adjusted to the news and now I have a sweet neice. Then they broke up. Then they got back together and not even a month later....he got her pregnant AGAIN!!! This makes me very angry for lots of reasons (his girlfriend has no home, very little family and no money) but definitely one of the biggies is that their second child from their "relationship" is due three months after ours!!! So my baby will be growing up side by side with a cousin, Uncle P. and.....can we call his girlfriend "Aunt"?
My real question is, am I being a completely selfish jerk or do I have any right at all to be irritated with having to share the spotlight with the second baby from an unwed couple in two years?? Yes, that sounds very selfish when I type it out I'm also just devastated that this really sweet girl just a year younger than me is now in an incredibly vulnerable position.

Vent over...feel free to gently lecture me

 

[purpleunicorn_Andi]

I would probly be feeling the same way...

 

[PegasusOnFire]

I went through this with my BIL and his no wife, they had a baby shortly before I lost my first baby and they kept dumping their daughter on me, and well I wasn't up to being near infants.

 

[Singin4Him]

I can relate! My husband and I had been TTC for months with one miscarriage when I found out my cousin was pregnant by her shack up boyfriend. I was quite upset! I selfishly questioned why he would allow an unmarried unstable couple to get pregnant when my husband and I had been praying so hard for a baby. Then when I did get pregnant a couple months after her I was upset because her baby was going to be the first great-grandchild and given the circumstances that really upset me. It might sound selfish but that's just how I felt. So I understand and I don't think you should feel bad for feeling the way you do.

 

[olafias]

I can understand how you feel...especially the part about the girlfriend being in a vulnerable position. My cousin, who is younger than me, had her first child at 15, she is now 22 and has four children between the ages of 7 and 3. I guess I always felt a little upset that she kept having babies and here I was, trying to do my best to get married, finish school, and start a life for myself, yet when I'd go home my Grandma would talk about my cousin a lot and try to make me feel guilty about her for whatever reason. I guess really I wouldn't want to be her-she isn't with either of the men who fathered her children, she works grave-yard shifts to provide for them and I don't think she's all that happy. I have put my "jealousy" (i guess you could call it that) behind me and have tried to reach out to her with letters and love, since she isn't yet a Christian and I know she needs a friend. So, I guess I understand why you're mad, and yes, it does really stink to have to share the limelight, but at the same time bear in mind that the girlfriend and the BIL are probably scared, confused and need prayer and comfort more than anything.

 

[RoseofLima]

Wanna have a nice hot cup of pregnancy tea with me?? And we can sit and watch a Cary Grant movie.

Pray for them- I find that often softens my heart, which quite frankly often is in great need of softening. Pray that God can transform this and make it better than if it never even happened at all.

I am so sorry It's hard enough just being pregnant, without having to deal with upsetting family issues, too.

 

[Beth1231]

As usual, you ladies are incredibly kind. Thank you. My initial fury has had some time to wilt. I'm feeling more and more sorry for my BIL's gf by the day. Thank you for just letting me vent; I needed to get that OUT.
Last night, I read a long post by a mama who lost her precious son at eight months pregnant. He came into the world yesterday at three pounds and as I read the story, I just cried and cried. It really helped me put my selfish problems into perspective. I really do want to be gentle and loving towards them-at least, that's what my spirit wants to do..sometimes my flesh still wants to get angry. Love ya, girls

 

[CarrieAg93]

Think about how great it's going to be for your child to have cousins so close to his/her age. My niece and nephew are quite a bit older than my kids. They love my kids and are great with them, but as they get older I can tell that they get tired of them easily. I think it'd been awesome for them to be around the same age.

 

[Joykins]

I also think its nice when kids have cousins their own age I know it is difficult to "share the spotlight" now but later maybe you will also find it nice for your baby to have a cousin to play with.

 

[Linnis]

I can understand. The month I found out I was pregnant with Ethan, my youngest BIL's GF found out she was pregnant. Since the family has always played favorites my husband got little attention from his family about his child but his brother got endless gifts etc. Then we all learn the baby isn't even my BILs baby. Then my SIL who at the time wasn't announces that my BIL and her are TTC 4 months before they even got married.

I read that post from the mother who lost her sweet baby son. I cannot image how it feels to loose a child like that. It made me feel guilty to hate the idea of 10 diapers a day. I am blessed to change each and every one of those diapers. *hugs*

 

[Crazy Liz]

With over 20 years of distance from the feelings of the moment, I can share a different perspective, that I hope will bring more hope, as well as the realization that these feelings, while real, are temporary, and the other person is not to blame for them.

Two stories.

I miscarried my first pregnancy. About a month later, I received an invitation to a friend's baby shower. She and her husband had sent out a pregnancy announcement with an ultrasound picture after their amniocentesis showed the fetus was normal. It was still sitting on the bottom of a pile of papers on my desk, having come in very shortly before I realized I was pregnant.

Did I have some angry feelings about that? Yes I did. Anger is part of the grief process, and the focus of that anger can be placed just about anywhere. After 24 years, I can say that was the anger of grief, and not a justification for blaming these friends, or God, for allowing them to have a baby they would have aborted if abnormal, and not allowing me to have a baby I would not have.

The next year, we had a son. About a year after that, all 3 of my sisters were pregnant at the same time. 2 of them had chosen the same holiday dinner to make their announcements, and the one having her third child spoke up before the one having her first. Was there a little bit of jealousy? Yes, but it was short-lived. The fact that there are 4 boy cousins within 18 months in age, and watching them interact together on holidays year after year makes that little bit of momentary jealousy easy to forget.

Emotional reactions to seeming unfairness is natural. When you're pregnant or suffering a loss, anger is one of the emotional/physiological reactions that is totally natural. Don't let the fact that some individual is the focus of your anger ruin your relationship with them. Try to be gracious with each other and give each other space, as my friend and I did, and as my sisters did, expecting healing to come.

 

[BananaCake]

My spouse's siblings aren't believers and all had kids out of wedlock. Some still aren't married. I mostly feel sad for them. But you will have the privilege of being able to speak into this kid's life as your kids play together.

 

[Texas Lynn]

I have trouble relating because my own experience is so different. At various times my sisters and I were pregnant concurrently. It did not bother us particularly. Well, me anyway. My older two sisters may have been somewhat put out by it because I'm in some sense considered our Dad's favorite but he never treated them badly. My Dad and I are both pseudointellectual poseurs and share a bond because of it. Our areas include religion and the social sciences. Now my brother, the youngest, is smarter than all three of his sisters together but his area is the hard sciences.
I think my oldest sister is a little put out our parents moved up north after we did and my brother did, but she is not being crummy about it at all. The second sister might consider coming also but it's hard for her husband to find work in his area here. We've talked about having a joint vacation near Sevierville and Gatlinburg (Eastern Tennessee) which is about in the middle, and maybe doing that sort of thing every few years. But about pregnancies? That never was an issue.

To my knowledge my in-laws are the same but my youngest sister-in-law has no relationship with the family of her children's father and is satisfied to keep in that way since he's in prison and most of them should have been or were at one time or another.

I suppose every extended family has its issues.

 

[Kazamataz]

As usual, you ladies are incredibly kind. Thank you. My initial fury has had some time to wilt. I'm feeling more and more sorry for my BIL's gf by the day. Thank you for just letting me vent; I needed to get that OUT.
Last night, I read a long post by a mama who lost her precious son at eight months pregnant. He came into the world yesterday at three pounds and as I read the story, I just cried and cried. It really helped me put my selfish problems into perspective. I really do want to be gentle and loving towards them-at least, that's what my spirit wants to do..sometimes my flesh still wants to get angry. Love ya, girls

well it's good to have a place to vent. sometimes you just need to get things off your chest.

 

[Beth1231]

Ladies, thank you so much for your gentle wisdom, stories and input. It has really helped me sooooo much!

 

[Evangelina]

*hug* keep in mind that this girl isn't a helpless victim... she's an equal contributor to her situation. Love her, pray for her, support her... and maybe she'll see the option of a better life.

 

[nateboy]

Tough situation. I was not in your situation but my brother and his wife did have a baby three months after we did. Now the two boys are so close! They are so much alike and fight like brothers. Soon, we are making a move to be closer to them so the cousins can be raised together. The way they raise their child is different from the way we raise ours, which is very annoying. They let their child talk back to adults-very annoying. They won't be around each other all of the time but enough to feel like they have a brother the same age. I think it could turn to positive in at least that way.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I think you have a right to your feelings no matter what they are. We can't help the way we feel. I think the important thing is that you recognize that it may be a little selfish and with that you might be able to control your attitude or behavior around her a little better. My recommendation is try not to focus on it too much or atleast when you notice yourself thinking about it and getting angry, try to refocus on how excited you are about your own little one coming into the world. Another baby coming into the picture won't change how special that is. Maybe you can even be an ecouragment to her and you two can share about the pregnancy experiance.... Hope this helps. God Bless!

HB

 

[Beth1231]

Well, two things that have helped me with working my way through this rather unpleasant surprise:

I was venting to my Dad about feeling like the elder brother (daughter?) in the Prodical Son parable and my dad reminded me what the father says at the end of that parable. "All that I own is yours." And it hit me with a bang that all of my IL's blessings and respect belong to my husband and myself because we waited and did it the right way.
Secondly, I have gone from anger to truly feeling sorry for my BIL's gf. I wake up with my sweet husband telling me I'm beautiful, making me breakfast sometimes and warming up our car so we can drive each other to work. On the other hand, she is waking up in a homeless shelter with an 18 month old and the nausea that comes with the first trimester I'm thinking about sending her an encouraging note, but I just don't know how to put it without coming across as rubbing it in. Any gracious ladies want to help me with that?

 

[Athene]

nm