I know a guy...

[ani]

who has Aspergers. He has weird tics and a funny voice, so some other guys make fun of him. Once some guys trapped him in the hallway and were teasing him, so I went in and said, "Greg, come get coffee with me," so that I could get him away from those guys.

We talked and he kind of opened up to me in a way that I wasn't really prepared to handle it. I gave him my screenname so that he could chat with me online if he ever needed anything, or to talk.

So after talking to him in the hallway for a few weeks, his mom invited me to dinner at their house. I went, and when we were in the kitchen alone, she told me.

I just feel weird, because she acted like me hanging out with him was such a big deal. But the truth is, I don't really like him that much. His family has money, and he kind of throws it around to impress the popular guys, who are the ones who are always teasing him.

So I don't just want to be his friend because I feel sorry for him. Like, if he didn't have Aspergers, I probably would have just not talked to him if I didn't like him. Because I think it's mean to be someone's friend because you feel sorry for him. But these guys are so mean to him, and I feel horrible just letting it happen. What should I do?

 

[vespasia]

Look at this lad through Christs eyes....NOT the worlds.

 

[midnightbirdgirl]

Ani, his folks acted like it was a big deal because people with AS have a very hard time socially, they rarely have friends.
I know my son is AS.
MBG

 

[Multi-Elis]

I'm sorry I didn't see this thread earlier.
One of the problems that people who befriend aspies come across, is that sometimes they are the only friend that aspie has. regular humans just can't handle the responsibility of being the only friend of someone. This is true of even "normal" people. (An example of a normal person is a strainger, in a foreign country who won't learn the local language and is therefore caught with only one friend who speaks their language. I know this from experience.) This is sometimes especially true of aspies who are so dissallusioned with society's way of treating them, that they wish for only one friend to supply all their needs. This isn't possible.
What you need to do is find the proper distance, or closeness, that you would have with somebody who had a normal amount of friends.
In theory, aspies would be better off if society was educated, and willing to spend the proper amount of time with them. That is, closer people would spend an hour or two a day, less close people half an hour, even less close 15 min a day, and pretty soon this aspies day is filled up, and no one feels burdened. And because no one feels burdened, relationships sudenly become more natural.

Well you have to understand, and be confident, that you need only do your part, and set an example to others. You don't need to do more than your part just because you are daring. You need only do your part. Otherwise it's impossible, you woun't be able to do even the minimum. You will feel to spent, too cheated.
So just think carefully, how you can be as normal as possible towards him, without over doing it in any way. Think logically, evaluate, talk with other people who are his friends or who are friends with aspies so that you always find the balance and support. You are going to have to do a lot of thinking and re-evaluating, because this relationship isn't very natural to begin with. So just as Greg is going to have to do intellectually what is natural to others, you will have to do the same. And again, remember, do your part and only your part. If everybody in society did this, there wouldn't be a problem. I know, because I have seen a few happy cases like this.

I know it can be hard. Our school nerd was an aspie, and everybody teased him, and at first I did too. Befriending him was very difficult, because the conversation was never natural. (It got easier though) But as long as I only had to do half an hour here and there, I was able to do it as natural as possible and have some interesting conversation. I had friends who started to follow my example, though there were difficult things like trying to explain to him that my friends and I wanted a moment of privacy. It is true that at one moment he was frantic about me. I mean, would try to hug me frantically, shake my hand like he wanted to do more than just shake it, -- you get what I mean, I was feeling harassed, though in theory there was nothing indecent. (The hugging was a cultural thing you did with close friends, he wanted to force himself to be close) In cases like this, you should first of all talk about it. (I didn't, that was my mistake) and you should take some distance for a while, untill the other has calmed down and you can muster your self again.
You will not be able to do your part if you are over doing it.
So what is left--is constant checking and balance.
I encourage you to go ahead and do your part, you won't regret it.

Just a tip - comunication goes better if you talk as though you are wearing dark sunglasses, or writing a post on a forum. Just as in a forum you have to choose your words properly because you can't rely on face expressions, it's the same here. Once you get that down, it will be easier.

Good Luck!

 

[momofonly]

Wow...My first comment is... how difficult is it to try to just be his buddy and I bet if you continue you may find something in him you would really like. My son has Aspergers and he has a really hard time having friends. It breaks my heart!

Even if it is temporary...why don't ya just try to be his friend for now and not put so much stress on yourself about the future.

Well..thanks for just getting him out of the situation at least that one time!

 

[Dust and Ashes]

How much of an issue is it with high functioning autistics (aspies in particular) to have friends? How many friends I have depends greatly upon how you define friend.

I know a lot of people well enough to stop and talk with them if I see them at the mall (though I will have issues with "breaking the ice" or wondering should I pretend not to see them since they might not want to be bothered by me, etc, etc.) but I have no friends with whom I just hang out regularly.

My best friend is a cousin who lives nearby and we often get together and have some very enjoyable and profitable discussions about faith, life, computers, video games but the real binding element in our relationship is blood. If we weren't related, it is very doubtful we would be as close as we are.

Of course my wife is not even a part of the aspie equation. I don't really have any issues with her related to AS besides getting her to understand why I have such a problem with doing something that involves getting out of my comfort zone. I'm completely open with her and with regards to our relationship it's like I don't even have AS. She's the social half of me. It's funny since she is very outgoing and has no problem talking to people.