I hit rock bottom and I lost control...

[Phoenix92885]

I have struggled with self injury since I was about 12 years old. I am now 19 so it's been going on for 7 years if not more. However, my struggle with self harm hasn't been a consistent one. I have managed to stop for years at a time. Life seems to always throw these curve balls at me. Just when I'm doing good or I have at least gained my composure from the last blow, I get knocked back down again. I'm not going to bore you with the details of my life before now but what has brought me here now is the fact that I lost control. I had not cut or burned myself in over a year and then 3 weeks ago my world crashed and I got the phone call that my Daddy had died that morning. Right after his death, I started a new job, and started my sophomore year of college and a bunch of other stuff has been going on that stresses me out. I have been through a lot of rough stuff in my life but I would honestly go through it all again multiple times just to have my dad back. I don't know how to stop cutting this time. Before I could see reasons to stop. Before this I was strong enough to quit but now I'm just weak.

Any help, advice, or kind words would be much appreciated.

Thank you,
Phoenix
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[Kristen.NewCreation]

Hi Phoenix,

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. You've been through a great loss.

You are strong enough to quit harming yourself, it just doesn't feel like it right now. And feelings sometimes lie to us.

What helped you to stop self-harming for the year that you had quit? What did you do then?

Kristen

 

[Phoenix92885]

Hi Phoenix,

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. You've been through a great loss.

You are strong enough to quit harming yourself, it just doesn't feel like it right now. And feelings sometimes lie to us.

What helped you to stop self-harming for the year that you had quit? What did you do then?

Kristen

A major help before was the fact that my best friend was encouraging me. She would always ask, "What day are we on now?" in reference to the last time I had hurt myself. I always hated disappointing her with a 0 or low number. Having that accountability partner was good for me but times have changed since then. Her and I are still close but since then she has gotten married and things are just different.

I have always seen myself as a fairly strong person. This time I guess it just hit harder than I could handle. I'm disappointed that I gave in but through all of this I am having major anxiety issues and everything. I just hope that one day it'll be bearable. I'm not giving up though. It's just the hardest thing I have ever been through.

Phoenix

 

[Criada]

Praying for you, sweetie.
Are you able to talk to a counselor about your grief? It can help...

 

[Dianna_Child of God]

A major help before was the fact that my best friend was encouraging me. She would always ask, "What day are we on now?" in reference to the last time I had hurt myself. I always hated disappointing her with a 0 or low number. Having that accountability partner was good for me but times have changed since then. Her and I are still close but since then she has gotten married and things are just different.

I have always seen myself as a fairly strong person. This time I guess it just hit harder than I could handle. I'm disappointed that I gave in but through all of this I am having major anxiety issues and everything. I just hope that one day it'll be bearable. I'm not giving up though. It's just the hardest thing I have ever been through.

Phoenix

Is there someone else you can be accountable with? I would love to help. Love getting to know others and want to help. I understand the struggle. 2 almost 3 weeks ago was the worst of the time I did this. I am 37 and have been doing this since around 8th grade. A life long struggle. If you want to talk send me a private message or email me, think you can do that from my profile page.

Praying for you.

 

[Phoenix92885]

Praying for you, sweetie.
Are you able to talk to a counselor about your grief? It can help...

My tuition at school also includes me being able to speak to the counselor there without paying extra. I quit seeing her because she insists on medication. I am strongly against it. Mostly because of my past and my addictive personality. I don't want to continue seeing a shrink who's only answer is an anti-depressant. Money is a big deal right now so I can't really afford to find one else where. My former youth pastor has been texting me recently offering kind words and wisdom. He has helped a lot but as of right now I do not have a grief counselor. My grief comes in waves though. I can be okay and somewhat happy, but then reality hits me and I fall back down.

The hardest part during this ordeal is we still have no idea what happened exactly to my dad. He was only 39 and a fairly healthy man. His one down fall was that he was a smoker but he had just about kicked the habit when he passed. The autopsy was non-conclusive so we are stuck waiting for the toxicology reports but it will be another month or two before I know anything. The unknown is tearing me apart. If I could answer the ever present question of "Why?" and "How?" then I could begin to heal or at least attempt to.

Thanks for letting me rant you guys.
Phoenix