I have to confess this secret...

[BlondieLashes]

Ellie- I think you are wise to wait for the right time to tell him. I totally understand about being able to write things out easier than saying them...I'm the same way.... You have my support and prayers!

 

[Elliemare]

I keep thinking to myself "why do I need to tell him this"? I really think he needs to know how much insecurity I have when it comes to finances. He needs to know how desperate I've been in the past when money was tight. He needs to know that his insensitive remarks regarding my own lack of income sparks total panic in me... and why.

 

[rockytopva]

And then there are things better off left in God's sea of forgetfulness.

 

[Elliemare]

I was considering not telling my husband at all. I was kind of over it and felt that it might not really be necessary. But I'm so mad right now!

Its financial issues again. I need an eye doctor's appointment soon, and I can't schedule one because my husband made "extra" payments on his truck this month! He paid his truck payment three times! He says he wants to pay his truck off early... hey that's great, but he doesn't leave enough spending cash for other expenses! It drives me crazy!

I'm so mad, I'm ready to go get my own job and make my own money and just live like roommates. He can pay his bills and I'll pay mine and he won't have to know how I'm making my money either! When he does stuff like this, I just can't see any other way?

Even if I didn't go back to work at an unethical massage parlor and got a legitimate job instead, it still doesn't address our messed up finances. We certainly don't live like a husband and wife should. I want to go to counseling, but that costs money too!

We have enough money to go around, its just the way my husband prioritizes things that is really messed up.

Right now, my head is spinning. I have an interview at a staffing agency today for a "real" job possibility (pray for me that it works out for the best). But there is an asian massage parlor en route to the staffing agency. I'm so tempted to stop in an see if they're hiring (please pray that I don't.)

 

[Darkhorse]

It sounds like the financial issues are the main point of tension and conflict in your marriage, with your past work experiences being kind of secondary. Since not having a joint account is your decision, you are in the best position to open up and lead the discussion on money issues.

The emotional issues connected with money make the discussion difficult. Try to block the emotions out of it as much as you can, and focus on the fact that the two of you are on the same side, not adversaries.

Try writing out your predictable expenses and needs (like regular medical appointments), including when and how much they cost. Then set aside a few minutes (not hours) to show him your list, and get him to make one. That way, you two can co-ordinate spending much better.

I know it's easier said than done; everything is...

Prayers for your interview, and resisting temptations of ALL kinds!

 

[Elliemare]

Well, the job interview was a waste of time. It was through a staffing agency that had posted a very misleading job opportunity. Even the location was posted incorrectly! Even if it was a promising job, its too far for me to travel.

This is what stinks about being a real professional massage therapist, the economy has totally destroyed our business. My rates are cheaper today than they were 12 years ago! The allure of an asian massage parlor is that at least they are busy! At least they have clients! Yeah, maybe they have to allude to the promise of sex but, is that so bad if its just an illusion, and one doesn't actually perform any sexual services?

Ugh, what am I thinking?!?! Why would I even consider such a thing? It just really stinks is all. I really do want to be working and making my own money, but there are just no opportunities out there in my field!

Add to that the issues with my husband and our finances and I feel like I'm going crazy. I can't think clearly at all right now, and I have a raging headache.

 

[BlondieLashes]

I am so sorry to hear the job interview was a waste of time! How disappointing!

Is there any other type of work that you are qualified to do? I know so many of us (former sex workers) end up with a sketchy resume...

Sounds like you just need to take a breather. I know that is easier said than done, but with your finances and stuff with your husband, work, etc. you are carrying a lot on your shoulders. Is there any chance of breaking the day down hour by hour and just trying to get through each hour to the best of your ability? That's what I am having to do right now because of a lot of stress in my life. If I try to look at everything all at once I loose it.

You are still in my prayers!

 

[Elliemare]

I had to lay down and try to take a nap today. I've been getting really bad headaches daily since I gave up coffee a few days ago.

Well.... I just told my husband.

He came home from work and I was reading in bed, and he usually lays down for a little while after work, so I knew he would come lay down next to me and I'd have his undivided attention for a little while.

I started by explaining how panicked I get about finances. I also explained where that panic stems from (parents that held everything over my head, deadbeat boyfriend who sponged off of me and wouldn't get a job, etc etc) Then I just told him that there was one more thing I wanted to confess to him so there would be no more secrets. I told him how I felt so free since the abortion recovery process that I wanted to disclose this one last secret so I could really be free!

I just blurted it out! He didn't really want details, which is good. I explained that I was desperate when I took that job and that my bf at that time found out where I was working and was using it to blackmail me, telling me he would tell my family and destroy my last and final lifeline (my family) I told him I've been so scared all these years that my past would impact my current career (because my ex-bf also threatened to ruin my career too)

My husband was fine with all of it. He actually confessed to me that he had been a member of an "adult dating" site (basically a booty-call site) and he even met with one of the women on the site (for sex) he said he couldn't go through with it, that it was all too awkward. But he felt the need to tell me his secret too!

We're discussing the finances and I suggested a counselor at my church. We really need to learn how to live like a Godly couple and not like roommates with "his" and "her" money. Its just not working

I feel much better now. I really feel free already. We have a long road ahead of us, and I do still want to find a job. The staffing agency asked if they could call me for clerical/receptionist positions too since I do have skills in that area (I'm also a trained nurse aid, just not certified and I've never officially worked in the field, just private duty) so we'll see how this all works out...

One day at a time and lots of prayer...

Oh, and one more thing I realized when I was talking to my husband. I've started asking myself "why is the sex industry an option for me at all?" When I was going through the abortion recovery, I asked myself that question. Why is abortion an option for some women, and absolutely not an option for others? I really don't think its a moral issue either. I had my abortion because I was a "good christian girl" who had to cover up a terrible mistake so I could continue to look perfect on the outside. Same goes for the massage parlor job, I didn't want anyone to find out how bad the situation was (financially emotionally, abusive bf etc) inside the four walls of my apartment. I thought money could make everything look pretty on the outside, it would make me look successful and self-sufficient, its just that no one could find out how I made that money.

So I'm exploring these "why's". I think the reason in both situations, have the same spiritual root. I have to find out what that is?

 

[rockytopva]

Elliemarie.... It is my experience that you are on thin ice in this whole deal... Make sure these things are buried in God's sea of forgetfulness to be remembered no more! Time to press ahead!

...This one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before, I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus. - Philippians 3:14

 

[Elliemare]

In my experience forgetting and burying things has only allowed them to fester. I spent 20 years hiding and burying secrets and all it did was manifest itself in the forms of depression, anxiety, self-destructive behavior and eventually chronic physical pain. Since addressing these past issues, working through them and releasing the past and myself from the guilt and shame, I feel so much freedom and actually my chronic widespread pain is gone!

I do understand that once we repent, God forgets our sins, so you're right, it is time to move forward and forget the past. But I still have to repent (in the presence of another) for some sins that have been left unaddressed for too long.

 

[rockytopva]

In my experience forgetting and burying things has only allowed them to fester. I spent 20 years hiding and burying secrets and all it did was manifest itself in the forms of depression, anxiety, self-destructive behavior and eventually chronic physical pain. Since addressing these past issues, working through them and releasing the past and myself from the guilt and shame, I feel so much freedom and actually my chronic widespread pain is gone!

I do understand that once we repent, God forgets our sins, so you're right, it is time to move forward and forget the past. But I still have to repent (in the presence of another) for some sins that have been left unaddressed for too long.

If I were to date a female... And to spend the entire evening talking about the silly things I have done in my past... Do ya reckon that girl would agree to any more dates?

 

[Elliemare]

We're not dating, we're married... big difference.

My husband attended the memorial service for my aborted babies, as did many of the other women's spouses, we were encouraged to include them even though the abortions were in our past, prior to knowing our spouses. It was incredibly healing and actually the last hurdle I had to overcome when it came to the fear surrounding the abortion pain. Once I got the courage to invite my husband, and he was supportive, I felt so incredibly free and it was wonderfully healing for both of us.

I'm so glad I told him this last secret and got it out in the open, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

 

[rockytopva]

We're not dating, we're married... big difference.

My husband attended the memorial service for my aborted babies, as did many of the other women's spouses, we were encouraged to include them even though the abortions were in our past, prior to knowing our spouses. It was incredibly healing and actually the last hurdle I had to overcome when it came to the fear surrounding the abortion pain. Once I got the courage to invite my husband, and he was supportive, I felt so incredibly free and it was wonderfully healing for both of us.

I'm so glad I told him this last secret and got it out in the open, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

You have been blessed with an understanding husband!

 

[Elliemare]

Yes I have! I wouldn't have realized just how understanding he is had I not included him in such things. I had carried these secrets around for so long, convincing myself that he would judge me, be angry with me, or ashamed of me. After confessing the past, his support and non-judgement made me realize that the shame was all in my own head! He doesn't think less of me, I was the one who thought less of me. But not anymore!

 

[rockytopva]

I've seen many troubles in my time, only half of which ever came true. - Mark Twain

 

[saved24]

Ellie I am happy that things went so well with your husband. May the Lord continue to bless and keep you both.

 

[BlondieLashes]

I too am so happy things went well with your husband! What a weight lifted! I hope prayers are helping! I personally think you are on the right path!

I think it's great that you are thinking outside the box when it comes to work....you never know one of these other avenues may open up for you instead of massage work.

God bless you sis!

 

[Elliemare]

The work thing is still very frustrating. I go through this career conflict every couple of months. I start considering other job prospects, but then decide against them because the pay isn't as good as massage therapy. I start looking into education but we already have massive student loan debt from my husband's doctorate. I can't be away from home more than part time, so to invest in school just for a part-time job is just not worth it.

The massage therapy profession is just so frustrating to be in right now. The economy is crap and job prospects are nil, we have 8 massage schools in my area and the market is constantly saturated with new graduates. I've tried running my own business, but with no source of referrals in my new community, I can't get any clients of my own (print advertising doesn't work). I've invested 12 years into this career and to basically be back at square one like newbie fresh out of school is just frustrating to say the least. I should have a career, I shouldn't be looking for one.

I just don't understand why I have never been able to just sit back, relax and accept the fact that we can live on one income? Why can't I just let my husband be the breadwinner, the provider? Why do I feel I have to have a career and money of my "own"? Why do I worry about whether or not I could support myself if something would happen to my husband? I just can't figure out where all that insecurity comes from?

I keep praying and trying to give it to God, to have faith, to trust that I'll be taken care of no matter what, that He is in charge, but I still find myself falling into panic again and again. Please pray that I can break this habit, this spirit of insecurity, fear or whatever it is? That's got to be the root of the problem.

 

[BlondieLashes]

I am praying for you Sweetheart.

Do your insecurities about money come from childhood perhaps? Sometimes our insecurities are so deeply rooted because they have been part of our thinking process for so long...

Have you ever considered Christian therapy?

 

[Elliemare]

Oh, I've been seeing a Christian counselor for some time. I am only seeing her on an as needed basis right now.

I do know that my insecurities about money stem from childhood. My parents held everything over my head and resented doing anything for me, even providing food and clothes. I couldn't wait to be independent and self sufficient and was determined to run away and live alone in the woods as early as six years old!

My mother still holds her estate over my siblings and I. She ranks us in order of "approval". Whoever has the highest approval rating is on top and the one with the lowest approval rating is basically in the dog house. The only way to move up in the ranks is to hope that one of the other kids does something to pi$$ mom off. When they drop in the ranks, I get a chance at moving up. It creates a lot of tension. Each one of us kids just sits back waiting for the others to screw up. Its terrible. We don't want the best for each other, we want to see each other fail.

At least that has been the general dynamic, especially since my father died 13 years ago. I try to stay out of it now. I no longer play the games and I frankly don't care if she cuts me out of the will altogether. However, at one point in my life the promise of an inheritance was the only thing I had to bank my future on. Not anymore, thank God!