I have to confess this secret...

[hope4today]

Yes, that makes sense! If trust came easy it really wouldn't be necessary to "trust" now would it?!?! It would sort of be an oxymoron wouldn't it? Trust isn't trust if it doesn't require some level of difficulty, faith and apprehension?



Before I even got to this part of your post, I began thinking of this story from gospels! I have a vivid recollection of learning this story in sunday school when I was a child. We colored a picture of the Pharisee and the widow woman. I remember coloring the Pharisee's gold coins bright yellow and the widow woman's coins brown like an old copper penny. I do remember fully understanding the story even at that young age. I'm going to keep that picture in my mind!

Thank you!

Wow!! Isn't God amazing!! I really felt as I was typing that it was God's word for you right now and you remembering the same story just confirms that. I really do believe he wants you to know how pleased he is with the trust you are placing in him.
He loves you sooooo much

 

[Elliemare]

Its just sooooooo hard right now. I didn't want to get into it, but my husband made extra payments to some bills last month and reserved no cash for us to live on. I'm so frustrated. We have to keep charging stuff to credit cards and hope that we can pay it all back come pay day.

It doesn't make sense. My husband makes good money, he pays the bills, he just goes overboard and doesn't reserve any spending money! He keeps saying we'll get caught up, that he gets paid "three times this month" and he's working a few days of overtime... but still, how did he let this happen in the first place?

It really shakes my sense of security and I have to trust God even more, and it becomes even harder. Then I get that temptation to take matters into my own hands and make "my own" money... The vicious cycle again...

 

[saved24]

Sorry to hear your husband is doing this. It is a matter of trusting the Lord again. "Dear Lord, my husband is not being responsible with the money and there is nothing I can do about it so I leave it in your hands."

Maybe you need to save some of your money in reserve then if he doesn't? You do work so maybe you will have to give up a few of your perks? or not. Hope things improve but the only thing left after this is to pray and keep trusting as your were before. God bless.

 

[Elliemare]

I wish I had money to save, I wish I had perks to give up, but any money I make is already spoken for. I work for straight commission. Just started a new job that seemed promising and now I'm finding that business is really slow. I'm scared that I made a mistake.

Now I'm starting to panic, trying everything I can to get clients and make money without resorting to anything unethical... and the cycle starts all over again.

I wish money didn't have such a stronghold on us... I'm praying so hard to break that...

 

[saved24]

Praying for you.

 

[Elliemare]

Thank you, I didn't sleep well last night. I will have to draw on a personal service loan to pay a bill today. My husband gets paid friday, he is working overtime this month... hopefully we'll get out of this hole soon.

 

[rockytopva]

Thank you, I didn't sleep well last night. I will have to draw on a personal service loan to pay a bill today. My husband gets paid friday, he is working overtime this month... hopefully we'll get out of this hole soon.

Ellie... My heart goes out to you as well as my prayers. I would encourage you to lay aside a time of family devotions and prayer. Discuss and communicate these important issues with your husband and then take those needs before the Lord in prayer and in the name of Jesus. Allow the Spirit of God to speak to your hearts and guide you to where he would direct you.

 

[Elliemare]

Ellie... My heart goes out to you as well as my prayers. I would encourage you to lay aside a time of family devotions and prayer. Discuss and communicate these important issues with your husband and then take those needs before the Lord in prayer and in the name of Jesus. Allow the Spirit of God to speak to your hearts and guide you to where he would direct you.

Thanks so much. You are right. I need to do that. I mentioned my concerns to my husband today, but not in a productive way. We both did a lot of coulda', woulda', shoulda' excuses... and that's not productive. We can't change the past.

If I could just let go of this anxiety and trust God... that's my biggest stumbling block.

I know I have to wait on the Lord and trust in him, yet I can't sit on my butt and do nothing! There has got to be some kind of happy medium?

 

[Ave Maria]

I saw where you said you had two abortions. Well, I just thought I'd let you know about this ministry for post-abortion healing:

Rachel's Vineyard Ministries

I hope it helps you somehow.

 

[Elliemare]

Thanks so much, but I did a Rachel's Vineyard retreat just recently and it was the most amazing experience. I've also done some group bible studies since then and I'll be attending a leadership training seminar to start an abortion recovery ministry within my own church here next month!

 

[BlondieLashes]

Thanks so much, but I did a Rachel's Vineyard retreat just recently and it was the most amazing experience. I've also done some group bible studies since then and I'll be attending a leadership training seminar to start an abortion recovery ministry within my own church here next month!

Just have to chime in and say Ellie, you totally ROCK! Many blessings to you with your new ministry!

 

[paul becke]

Okay, here it goes. I never really considered myself a survivor of the sex industry. I just figured it was my deep dark secret that no one would ever find out about.

I recently went through a recovery process for the two abortions I had over 20 years ago. Those were my other deep dark secrets.

A year or so after my second abortion and my life on a steady downward spiral, in a horrible relationship with an abusive man, terrible anxiety and depression and in serious financial distress. I took on a job at a massage "parlor". It wasn't that bad. No full sex, no oral, not even kissing, just a topless massage with a happy ending. Pretty low key.

I made good money and finally had some sense of security. The job was easy and laid back, no stress and its not like I ever had to worry about getting fired! I got paid daily and a weekly commission check to boot. I paid my bills, straightened out my credit, bought myself a reliable car and things were looking pretty good on the outside. I wasn't a drug addict or alcoholic, I wasn't being forced into the industry by my bf and I never had pimp to answer to. It was pretty easy money, but still degrading and pretty gross at times. It was my deeply hidden secret that I swore I would take to my grave. I was only in the biz for 2 years and haven't returned in over 13 years.

I am now married and my husband has no knowledge of my past employment ventures. My husband makes very good money and I'm well provided for. I had a good job a few years ago, but I had to give it up when my DH and I relocated. There are no opportunities in my field in our new community.

However, even though things are stable and secure, I'm a born-again Christian now and pretty happy and healthy, I find that whenever I'm faced with any financial insecurity, my mind immediately goes to the possibility of returning to the sex industry.

For instance, my DH makes all the money and he controls all the money. If he ever makes a reference to the fact that I don't work much, earn much money, or need to use my "own" money to buy something for myself. (I have to ask him for money if I want something, we don't have a joint checking account) I find myself feeling panicked and I want to peruse craigslist for "adult" job offers, just to make a quick buck!

I even find myself thinking "I'll show him" (my husband) "I'll get a job at an asian massage parlor, make lots of money of my own... who needs him anyway!"

I don't know why the sex biz is the first thought I have when I feel financially insecure? Its scary. I have a great life, why would my mind go there? Why do I put so much emphasis on money? Why is money the only thing that gives me a sense of security and why is it that when I'm lacking in funds, I completely panic?

I wonder if your DH's attitude towards you and his money makes you feel diminished as a person and as his wife. Your sense of your own dignity and worth in your relationship are important, aren't they. And surely it must start with his respect for them.

Although in a sick business, you were in a sense a business-woman, and capable business-women, generally, tend to buck against passive toleration of things they don't like.

When I lived with my widowed mother for a few years, she became a successful business woman, and while she wouldn't hear of my helping her with the dishes, when I was unemployed and she was travelling three or more hours each day, to London and back, to her place of work, she took it into her head to tell me to put the toilet-seat down again, after I'd finished. Also, took a liking to a certain feral, female PM we were landed with. Money corrupts!

Also, it should be no mystery why women feel insecure without having their own money, often a personal bank account of their own, etc. Historically, women have been incredibly marginalised, economically down the millennia, and I'm sure it's left a psychological inheritance. As late as the fifties in the UK, women weren't permitted to have a bank account!

What's more the US is even more - difficult to believe, but even much more - a 'dog-eat-dog', 'devil take the hindmost', society than the UK... though we're getting there, thanks to Dave and his merry band of chisellers. As the comedian, Billy Connolly said the other day, "I'm old enough to remember when bank-robbers wore masks."

 

[paul becke]

That is some power for good you have, now, Elliemare.

 

[Elliemare]

I just wanted to give an update.

I breezed through this old thread and I can barely remember being in such turmoil!

I still have the part-time job I got almost a year ago. I love it! Its a great place to work and the income is good for only working 1-2 days a week.

I've been seeing some clients at home. Mostly people from church! The more involved I get with church, the more clients I get! When money is tight, I give it to the Lord. I tithe every payday before paying any bills. The Lord always provides the rest!

My husband and I still have separate accounts for now, and its working out fine that way. I have "my" bills and responsibilities that I pay with "my" money, however, we ultimately look at it as one in the same. It really makes no difference which account the funds come out of, its all "ours". I'm just taking responsibility of making sure certain things get paid for or purchased, while DH handles others.

I'm still involved in my post-abortive ministry in my church and I'm involved in ministries as well. I no longer worry that I'm volunteering too much or doing too much work for "free" when I should be "making money". I don't feel that way at all anymore!

I only had one snag recently. My husband made a snide comment about money, asking me if I "had the money to pay for that? You'd better get a second job!" (My car needs a minor repair) I got very upset. I have to admit, I felt that panic in my heart and I immediately felt abandoned and alone. My mind started up with the negativity again. However, I told my husband how his words impacted me. I told him right away. He apologized and admitted that he overreacted. Those fearful feelings went away!

I'm really learning to fully trust God, and just have faith that He has it in control. He will see that I am cared for and I really shouldn't rely on my husband. If I rely on God, He will provide for me and my husband! God is showing me how good he really is, day after day, just renewing my faith more and more.

 

[Darkhorse]

Good to hear that things are so much better!

"Trust in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4)

 

[BSharp]

Okay, here it goes. I never really considered myself a survivor of the sex industry. I just figured it was my deep dark secret that no one would ever find out about.

I recently went through a recovery process for the two abortions I had over 20 years ago. Those were my other deep dark secrets.

A year or so after my second abortion and my life on a steady downward spiral, in a horrible relationship with an abusive man, terrible anxiety and depression and in serious financial distress. I took on a job at a massage "parlor". It wasn't that bad. No full sex, no oral, not even kissing, just a topless massage with a happy ending. Pretty low key.

I made good money and finally had some sense of security. The job was easy and laid back, no stress and its not like I ever had to worry about getting fired! I got paid daily and a weekly commission check to boot. I paid my bills, straightened out my credit, bought myself a reliable car and things were looking pretty good on the outside. I wasn't a drug addict or alcoholic, I wasn't being forced into the industry by my bf and I never had pimp to answer to. It was pretty easy money, but still degrading and pretty gross at times. It was my deeply hidden secret that I swore I would take to my grave. I was only in the biz for 2 years and haven't returned in over 13 years.

I am now married and my husband has no knowledge of my past employment ventures. My husband makes very good money and I'm well provided for. I had a good job a few years ago, but I had to give it up when my DH and I relocated. There are no opportunities in my field in our new community.

However, even though things are stable and secure, I'm a born-again Christian now and pretty happy and healthy, I find that whenever I'm faced with any financial insecurity, my mind immediately goes to the possibility of returning to the sex industry.

For instance, my DH makes all the money and he controls all the money. If he ever makes a reference to the fact that I don't work much, earn much money, or need to use my "own" money to buy something for myself. (I have to ask him for money if I want something, we don't have a joint checking account) I find myself feeling panicked and I want to peruse craigslist for "adult" job offers, just to make a quick buck!

I even find myself thinking "I'll show him" (my husband) "I'll get a job at an asian massage parlor, make lots of money of my own... who needs him anyway!"

I don't know why the sex biz is the first thought I have when I feel financially insecure? Its scary. I have a great life, why would my mind go there? Why do I put so much emphasis on money? Why is money the only thing that gives me a sense of security and why is it that when I'm lacking in funds, I completely panic?

I tithe as much as I can of "my" money. My husband doesn't contribute to my tithing. I don't make much money right now, I only work one day a week. I have some bills of my "own" that I pay with my money and after those are paid, there is not much left.

It's pretty obvious what the problem is. Just look at these quotes from the poster that I've highlighted. The problem is twofold. Firstly, the husband is a controlling man, controlling the domestic situation by controlling money to the wife, the poster. There is no joint account, the poster has to ask her husband for anything, and to top it off, the husband reminds the poster that she doesn't work and earn much.

And secondly, because of this, the poster feels trapped and not independent anymore because of this lack of financial security. This is the reason she is reminiscing of her old life, not because she yearns to return to the sex industry, but she yearns for the freedoms and financial independence she had when she was in that.

If this control freak of a husband got his act together and shared everything with his wife, the poster wouldn't be feeling trapped like she is. My wife is chronically ill and hasn't worked for years now. We share everything. My wife is quite prudent with money and I tell her that if she wants anything, she doesn't have to ask, just go out and get it. Within reason obviously, but that is understood between us.

The poster's husband is not treating his wife as equal in all things, and I'm betting that this extends to more than just money. Hence why the poster reminisces of her old life.

 

[CalebTumanako]

Talk to God about it, elliemarie! I just like to open up if I am having a hard time, or if there's feelings there I don't understand, or I don't know why. Just open up your heart to God, perhaps God will show you what's going in your heart and you may need healing in that area. I have been struggling with addictions, I tell myself everyday that I have to get off this but I can never do it then I get frustrated at myself and then it dawns to me sometimes, I need healing in my heart. There's pain there, worry, stress, fear, and I need healing in that area of my life. I began to read the Word alot and from where I was, I stopped taking as much as I use to. I use to take alot of pain killers, that it was dangerous and I've cut down alot and am still cutting down. Remember, Jesus came to heal us of our diseases. I've also come to realize that we need to let go of the past, and ask God to help us with this because there's where we go back to, our past hurts, mistakes, and they come back and bring back all of it's baggage so Jesus is the answer, ellie.

Keep going strong for the Lord, he never leaves or forsakes us and His blood cleanses us from our unrighteousness and our sins, our past hurts. His redeeming blood, and because of our faith in Jesus and our belief in him, we are made righteous by faith. Let's keep going for the Lord!