I have a question about adultry...... can someone help me

[Kol]

God hates abuse more so than He does divorce.

Where did you get this idea from? 'Cause the teaching in 1 Peter seems to be saying the opposite...that no matter whether a "master", be it ruler, husband, or boss, is fair or unfair, that it is our job to obey them. 2 Peter 2:18 also came to mind.

 

[myanchor]

Um who beside johndb in his post mentioned abuse?

 

[JusSumguy]

Um who beside johndb in his post mentioned abuse?

I concur.

A new thread, rather than a hijacking, might be more appropriate.

In this thread, I believe the OP asked a simple question and requested some advise. But I'm new to this forum. What do I know?


-

 

[JohnDB]

I wasn't trying to speak so much towards abuse as I was towards apostacy as being the reason for divorce...which infidelity also demonstrates.

Sorry for the hijacking but then I was asked a direct question as to how and what abuse was about...so I answered.

sorry for the Hijack...yawl can continue without me now.

 

[Michael Turner]

Back to the question...

Both parties should repent and seek forgiveness from God first and one another second. They should do everything possible to repair the marriage and glorify God in doing so. Only if one party is unrepentant or remains unaccountable for their actions should divorce be considered.

Of course, the body of Christ should be a central piece in all of this. Guidance from a Godly pastor and/or elders throughout the process is imperative if the couple belongs to a Bible believing church.

 

[lamblion]

thank you everyone for your answers and support, Although Im not sure if anyone really hit the nail on the coufen. I need to know if in scripture it addresses the issue of how to handle this sitution.... The situation of neither spouse being in the right or having th upper hand if you will..... I wife is trying to leave me because I was wroth after she cheated in me and I cheated back to escape the pain. Im not sure if in gods eyes she has that right..... to where He will honor what she is trying to do.... I really want my marriage to work, but she keeps saying that she hs the right to end it and move on....... and even worse with the guy she cheated with.... Im afraid for her..

 

[Michael Turner]

lamblion,

You mentioned that she cheated first. Did she ask your forgiveness? And if so did you give it to her?

You said that you cheated back to escape. Have you asked her forgiveness?

 

[JaredHughBohland]

I would suggest that you may be looking at this union a little too legalistic. You seem to be looking for rigid laws and rules to determine whether you should be together. For this reason, I can tell that you don't love her anymore. I would normally suggest that if you love eachother, then you should probably try to get counseling and seek out fighting for your relationship. After all, you did say for better or worse. I think most people tend to run out the door when worse shows up. With that said, I think that if neither of you love eachother, and that both of you are cheating on eachother, it would be better off for future kids or kids you currently have to part ways. It would be healthier for them to be raised with split parents seeking others in a more appropriate situation than for them to be raised by parents who are constently hurting eachother. No matter how you look at it, the answer is to first stop the adultery. It is wrong both in and out of marriage. Start there.

 

[JohnDB]

Here is the thing.

If and when she leaves...she has a price to pay...not so much in dollars and cents...but in heart condition and pain coming her way that she can't recover from.

No one wins in any court anywhere...on earth or in Heaven in a divorce.

Living well is the best revenge for a divorce...if such a thing can be said.

Just remember...remind yourself and her...that door only opens one way. Once she goes she can't ever come back.

.05% of relationships that start and continue in the fashion she has started one while married ever work out...not even a whole percent. Her relationship with this guy will end and likely badly. Just FYI

And once divorced 66% of second marriages end in divorce. 85-95% of those getting remarried inside the first year of divorce will end in divorce a second time..

So...when her relationship ends and she wants to come back...she can't...and stick to it.

 

[sdmsanjose]

I do not know of any scripture that deals with your exact situation. Maybe someone else can fond a scripture on this.

I do know that God’s bride (children of Israel) cheated (committed spiritual adultery) on God many times. God even had Hosea marry a prostitute so that Israel could understand the pain. God was always ready to forgive and to reconcile.

Jesus said in the New Testament

Matthew 6:14-15 (King James Version)
14For if ye forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
15But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.

It seems obvious to me that God wants violated relationships to pursue forgiveness and to reconcile. In the context of love and the violation of love, rights are not as important as a contrite, humble, and a repentant and forgiving heart.

Your wife seems to be more interested in her rights than in pursuing God’s word. She has committed adultery with this man and still wants to be with him and divorce you. That tells me that she is not looking for the way God dealt with spiritual adultery or Jesus words in Matthew. She wants to use her own declared RIGHTS to justify her decisions rather than follow God’s way and save her marriage.

My guess is that she does not care what you present she wants to justify her actions and make it look like God’s word gives her that RIGHT. When Love is working, RIGHTS are not needed.

Maybe the reprint below from the book “Love Must Be Tough, HOPE for a marriage in crises” may help you

Opening the Cage Door
Perhaps it is now apparent where the present line of reasoning is leading us. If there is hope for dying marriages, and I certainly believe there is, then it is likely to be found in the reconstruction of respect between warring husbands and wives. That requires the vulnerable spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out! All the techniques of containment must end immediately, including manipulative grief, anger, guilt and appeasement. Begging, pleading, crying, hand-wringing and playing the role of the doormat are equally destructive.
There may be a time and place for strong feelings to be expressed, and there may be an occasion for quiet tolerance. But these responses must not be used as persuasive devices to hold the drifting partner against his or her will.
Avoid Being a Used Car Salesman

To the reader who is desperately in need of this advice, please pay close attention at this point: I'm sure you would not have dreamed of using these coercive methods to convince your husband or wife to marry you during your dating days. You had to lure, attract, charm and encourage him or her. This subtle game of courtship had to take place one delicate step at a time. Obviously, it would not have been successful if you had wept violently and hung on the neck of your lover saying, "I think I'll die if you don't marry me! My entire life amounts to nothing without you. Please! Oh, please, don't turn me down," etc.
Coercing and manipulating a potential marriage partner is like high-pressure tactics by a used car salesman. What do you think he would accomplish by telling a potential customer through his tears, "Oh, please, buy this car! I need the money so badly and I've only had two sales so far this week. If you turn me down, I think I'll go straight out and kill myself!"
This is a ridiculous analogy, of course, but there is applicability to it. When one has fallen in love with an eligible partner, he attempts to "sell himself" to the other. But like the salesman, he must not deprive the buyer of free choice in the matter. Instead, he must convince the customer that the purchase is in his own interest.
If a person would not buy an automobile to ease the pain of a salesman, how much more unlikely is he to devote his entire being to someone he doesn't love, simply for benevolent reasons? None of us is that unselfish. Ideally, we are permitted by God to select only one person in the course of a lifetime, and few are willing to squander that one shot on someone we merely pity! In fact, it is very difficult to love another person romantically and pity him or her at the same time.
From the June 2000 Focus on the Family newsletter. Copyright © 2000, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

 

[Macx]

I didn't read the quote from

book “Love Must Be Tough, HOPE for a marriage in crises”

so I can't speak to its value, but the rest of what sdmsanjose said is spot on.

I'd only add, I'm sorry the OP is going through this & as a man who lost a wife to her adultery, I'd be happy to PM what doesn't need to be out on a message board.

 

[JusSumguy]

I would suggest that you may be looking at this union a little too legalistic. You seem to be looking for rigid laws and rules to determine whether you should be together. For this reason, I can tell that you don't love her anymore. I would normally suggest that if you love eachother, then you should probably try to get counseling and seek out fighting for your relationship. After all, you did say for better or worse. I think most people tend to run out the door when worse shows up. With that said, I think that if neither of you love eachother, and that both of you are cheating on eachother, it would be better off for future kids or kids you currently have to part ways. It would be healthier for them to be raised with split parents seeking others in a more appropriate situation than for them to be raised by parents who are constently hurting eachother. No matter how you look at it, the answer is to first stop the adultery. It is wrong both in and out of marriage. Start there.

No need to leave. You loved her once right? That love didn't go away. It's just buried.

Buried in what appears to be a game of oneupmanship. Go and find that love, set it free and be happy.

The orientals have a saying. "The jewel inside the lotus blossom." Everybody starts out as a perfect jewel. Problem is, this jewel is delicate beyond description. So when it's damaged by someones betrayal, or meaness, we put up a lotus petal to protect that spot from any more of that.

In time, all anybody can see (including yourself) is that lotus blossom. The real you is hidden underneath.

You're still there. Still available. Just hidden.

What you need to do is overtly peel off some of those life blocking layers.

Change the timbre, and take your life back.

The situation of neither spouse being in the right

Well, you got this part right.

or having th upper hand if you will..... I wife is trying to leave me because I was wroth after she cheated in me and I cheated back to escape the pain.

Ummmmmm...... poppycock. You don't need to tell us the truth. But you certainly need to tell you the truth.

Im not sure if in gods eyes she has that right..... to where He will honor what she is trying to do.... I really want my marriage to work,

Then make it work. Humble yourself to God, and humble yourself to your woman. Yes, HUMBLE YOURSELF.

Neither did her love for you die away.

but she keeps saying that she hs the right to end it and move on....... and even worse with the guy she cheated with.... Im afraid for her..

If she's still there, then it's all just words. Be humble, be romantic, be WHATEVER IT TAKES. And please put your pride away for a few months, huh?

Praying for your marriage friend....


-

 

[lamblion]

No need to leave. You loved her once right? That love didn't go away. It's just buried.

Buried in what appears to be a game of oneupmanship. Go and find that love, set it free and be happy.

The orientals have a saying. "The jewel inside the lotus blossom." Everybody starts out as a perfect jewel. Problem is, this jewel is delicate beyond description. So when it's damaged by someones betrayal, or meaness, we put up a lotus petal to protect that spot from any more of that.

In time, all anybody can see (including yourself) is that lotus blossom. The real you is hidden underneath.

You're still there. Still available. Just hidden.

What you need to do is overtly peel off some of those life blocking layers.

Change the timbre, and take your life back.



Well, you got this part right.

Ummmmmm...... poppycock. You don't need to tell us the truth. But you certainly need to tell you the truth.

Then make it work. Humble yourself to God, and humble yourself to your woman. Yes, HUMBLE YOURSELF.

Neither did her love for you die away.

If she's still there, then it's all just words. Be humble, be romantic, be WHATEVER IT TAKES. And please put your pride away for a few months, huh?

Praying for your marriage friend....


-

Thank you

 

[lamblion]

lamblion,

You mentioned that she cheated first. Did she ask your forgiveness? And if so did you give it to her?

You said that you cheated back to escape. Have you asked her forgiveness?

Yes........ We both agreed to work it out and even went on our aniversary that was unfortunatly right around the itme of all this drama....... But then she ups and says that she doesnt want to do it anymore...... right after we got back form our trip on our aniversary

 

[lamblion]

I do not know of any scripture that deals with your exact situation. Maybe someone else can fond a scripture on this.

I do know that God’s bride (children of Israel) cheated (committed spiritual adultery) on God many times. God even had Hosea marry a prostitute so that Israel could understand the pain. God was always ready to forgive and to reconcile.

Jesus said in the New Testament


It seems obvious to me that God wants violated relationships to pursue forgiveness and to reconcile. In the context of love and the violation of love, rights are not as important as a contrite, humble, and a repentant and forgiving heart.

Your wife seems to be more interested in her rights than in pursuing God’s word. She has committed adultery with this man and still wants to be with him and divorce you. That tells me that she is not looking for the way God dealt with spiritual adultery or Jesus words in Matthew. She wants to use her own declared RIGHTS to justify her decisions rather than follow God’s way and save her marriage.

My guess is that she does not care what you present she wants to justify her actions and make it look like God’s word gives her that RIGHT. When Love is working, RIGHTS are not needed.

Maybe the reprint below from the book “Love Must Be Tough, HOPE for a marriage in crises” may help you

Your right on point........ she is definatly in the flesh........ and unfortunatly grieving the spirit........

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

No need to leave. You loved her once right? That love didn't go away. It's just buried.

Buried in what appears to be a game of oneupmanship. Go and find that love, set it free and be happy.

The orientals have a saying. "The jewel inside the lotus blossom." Everybody starts out as a perfect jewel. Problem is, this jewel is delicate beyond description. So when it's damaged by someones betrayal, or meaness, we put up a lotus petal to protect that spot from any more of that.

In time, all anybody can see (including yourself) is that lotus blossom. The real you is hidden underneath.

You're still there. Still available. Just hidden.

What you need to do is overtly peel off some of those life blocking layers.

Change the timbre, and take your life back.



Well, you got this part right.

Ummmmmm...... poppycock. You don't need to tell us the truth. But you certainly need to tell you the truth.

Then make it work. Humble yourself to God, and humble yourself to your woman. Yes, HUMBLE YOURSELF.

Neither did her love for you die away.

If she's still there, then it's all just words. Be humble, be romantic, be WHATEVER IT TAKES. And please put your pride away for a few months, huh?

Praying for your marriage friend....


-

I totally agree, however if after all this and she still wants to leave you have to let her go.
You have alot of work to do if you want to convince her that you love her, love is laying down your life, your wants, your needs, YOU, lay it down and hear her. without defending yourself, arguing back, trying to justify, trying to makes excuses for anything you've done...just hear her side of the story, she wont come back to you the way things have been in the past, you'll have to make massive changes in your heart and attitude towards her.
If after all of this she still wants to leave, you have to let her go.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Maybe he doesn't want to ask it, he just wants to let us know he has one.

hahaha!

 

[hisbloodformysins]

I need to know something that is not very clear and may not even be in scripture...... I know it says that one of the ways a marriage can rightfully end is by adultery...... but what if both parties have committed this act of adultery? What happens is this case? Are there sill rights to leave? or does rights to leave cancel out seeing that no one is in the right anymore.

Oh my... ppl are so focused on what the bible gives us permission to do...

It was never God's intention for ANYONE to divorce or for anyone to commit adultery.. and if you want to know god's will even after adultery has occured...

well, it's god's will that their be repentence, forgiveness and well love all the way around because he is love...

i sometimes wonder if ppl are so focused on whether they have permission or not...

"all things are permissible, but not all things are beneficial"

there you have it.. i think that about sums it up...

 

[Macx]

Your comment:

i sometimes wonder if ppl are so focused on whether they have permission or not...

reminds me of a time I got hit in the head with a low branch & tossed out of a canoe in some violent and high water. I had a life vest & swam in the direction I felt like I was floating. Couldn't see a thing in that dark brown water. I swam and swam, lungs burning, and finally touched the bottom! Nearly drowned I put my feet on the bottom and pushed with all my might breaking the surface barely alive. An undertow had taken me and nearly cost my life. What felt like up was really down and when I struggled to do what felt right, I was actually almost killing myself.

I look at this thread and remember that canoe trip. I don't think the OP has any delusions that he is in the right. He knows things are bad, they are really bad, and I think it is natural when in a situation like that, to if time allows, want to figure out if you are swimming for the surface or swimming for certain doom. In otherwords, I think it is less about "am I allowed to" and more "can I take this action without making my bad situation worse".

 

[*Charis*]

I need to know something that is not very clear and may not even be in scripture...... I know it says that one of the ways a marriage can rightfully end is by adultery...... but what if both parties have committed this act of adultery? What happens is this case? Are there sill rights to leave? or does rights to leave cancel out seeing that no one is in the right anymore.

I think Jesus' words to the woman caught in adultery applies to this
situation: '... Go, and sin no more.'