I hate myself.....****TRIGGER****

[blessedmomof5]

Anything has to be better than thanksgiving.....i have put on 3 lbs in a week, ok i do know thats what i am suppose to do but my brain cannot handle it...i am freaking out and want to die. tomorrow starts my quest for the thinnest i can be......better then this pain.......

 

[Soulwings]

*hugs you tight*
Denise, hunni, please dont. Youre doing fine, three pounds is not a lot. You know deep down inside that youre already thin. Three pounds isnt going to hurt you. Try to put the scales away and focus on something else. Read something absorbing and enjoyable, write something ... talk to someone.

*hugs* Youre in my prayers.

 

[madison1101]

Denise, you are believing a lie of the devil if you think that you must lose those three pounds. Use what you learned in treatment and do some self-soothing and positive self-talk. You deserve a healthy body, which means you need to gain some weight and take care of your nutrition. Stop believing the deceiver.

Take care of yourself.

Love,
Trish

 

[blessedmomof5]

thank you both, but i feel that person you are talking to is already gone....she feels safe where she is in her life when she is starving. thats her safe place, and she needs to go back there. now we see if she come back out alive.

 

[emmab]

i wish i could help but i am where you are.
praying for you is all i can do

 

[Mr.Cheese]

*loves everyone here*

 

[goldenviolet]

remember that when you eat it is normal for your weight to flux 3 to 4 pounds. as your digestion process moves along, you go back to what you were or flux down 2 to 3 pounds. depends on your body. for people with eating disorders, there is a 20 min. panick period the beginning of this time being peek and the end being less and more on the worried side. during the panick peek is the period where there is purge, suicial thoughts, beating self up, etc. .............

your goal should be to make it through the panick period. whatever works. after this period is over and you have not purged, your body feels energy and you feel great. it doesn't completely take the teptation to feel guilt for eating... but you aren't bloated from purging, and your body chemicals make you feel great.

when you don't make it through the panick period, your guilt and self worth takes a beating. you get depressed and it triggers binges.

one thing i know that helps is to walk, pace, move around (don't sit)... have family or friend 'coach you' through it. some times people eat more times than 'normal', making it feel less of a strain by not exsperiancing the 'full' sensation.

Denise, i love you

 

[blessedmomof5]

Thank you Mr Chesse and Dee,
And Dee, i am still in the panic state,will not get on the scale and went yesterday and joined the gym.....i am going to get my weight down, but you explained it perfectly.

 

[josiahoftenn]

I don't know a whole lot.But don't look at those scales, if you want the devil to win go ahead don't eat, your just giving satan satisfaction and dissapointing yourself and the people around you.I have a song you need to listen to it's by super chick I need to find it for you.

 

[blessedmomof5]

He might have won with my eating Disorder But he has not won with my soul....

 

[josiahoftenn]

He might have won with my eating Disorder But he has not won with my soul....

Yes but what's next?In gods eyes you are perfect any way you are but he doesn't want you to starve yourself.I lost a close friend to bulimia and my parents don't know about it I don't like to bring that up much.But I want to help any way I can I don't like seeing people going through the same things she did.If you wont do it for yourself do it for the one's around you.Just please if you ver need anything get ahold of me.

 

[blessedmomof5]

Thank you, and i am sorry to hear about your friend, this whole thing stinks and when it gets a hold of u, it depends on u if u can let go or not...i am much older than u and i am sure your friend, and have had it way to long and you get tired..so now i hav just given into it, i will take it where it takes me...i have been in treatment. against my will... and the weight just scares me. trust me i see a therapist 2xs a week and a pdoc, and my reg doc to get weight and vitals... so i go...... but i give up now. but if i need you i will find you. and like i said thank you from the bottom of my heart.Denise

 

[madison1101]

Thank you, and i am sorry to hear about your friend, this whole thing stinks and when it gets a hold of u, it depends on u if u can let go or not...i am much older than u and i am sure your friend, and have had it way to long and you get tired..so now i hav just given into it, i will take it where it takes me...i have been in treatment. against my will... and the weight just scares me. trust me i see a therapist 2xs a week and a pdoc, and my reg doc to get weight and vitals... so i go...... but i give up now. but if i need you i will find you. and like i said thank you from the bottom of my heart.Denise

Denise,
I understand about being older and having had to wrestle with the eating disorder for a very long time. I have had binge eating disorder probably my whole life. In treatment most of the people are very young, and I am sometimes jealous. They have not had 40 years of habit to undo.

But I do not give up on myself. I am learning to give up the bingeing and forgive myself when I slip. One girl in treatment was able to go from five binge/purges a day to once every five days. Take it one day at a time. If you binge/purge several times a day, set a goal to once a day. Do self-soothing the other times. Reading the Bible and listening to praise and worship music once a day is a big help.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[blessedmomof5]

Trish,
Most, and it is most of the time i just starve myself because for me the torment that goes with a binge is not worth it as you can see..... there is no read the bible, self soothing things, it is beat yourself up, jump off a bridge, starve yourselve till you can no longer, bc you deserve that.... now if i ever figure out why before i die then we and my family we'll be better off, but for now there is too much pain.......to much beating myself up if i eat. so eating is not worth it....
but i am glad you are getting the help you so want and deserve....
trish don't worry about me, this is what i choose. I am glad you choose life...
Denise

 

[lostndown]

hey hun,
it's michelle... i am so sorry bout ur ED and i really do hope ur gonna be healthy again, soon. try to gain weight so ur not too skinny, for ur hubby and kids at least, if no one else. this isn't safe. i'm not against u or anything, hon. i am praying for ya, Denise.

Love,
Michelle

 

[madison1101]

Denice,

I am reminded of this Bible passage. For a very long time, I struggled with a lack of desire to save myself, and a lack of faith. I had no idea why God, or anyone else, would love me, and I truly believed I was unloveable.

I would read the following passage and just beg God to help me believe.

Mark 9



17A man in the crowd answered, "Teacher, I brought you my son, who is possessed by a spirit that has robbed him of speech. 18Whenever it seizes him, it throws him to the ground. He foams at the mouth, gnashes his teeth and becomes rigid. I asked your disciples to drive out the spirit, but they could not."

19"O unbelieving generation," Jesus replied, "how long shall I stay with you? How long shall I put up with you? Bring the boy to me."

20So they brought him. When the spirit saw Jesus, it immediately threw the boy into a convulsion. He fell to the ground and rolled around, foaming at the mouth.

21Jesus asked the boy's father, "How long has he been like this?"

"From childhood," he answered. 22"It has often thrown him into fire or water to kill him. But if you can do anything, take pity on us and help us."

23" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes."

24Immediately the boy's father exclaimed, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!"
I also had to study my identity in Christ.

These are facts, not opinions, about you and me and everyone else who believes in Christ.

Who I Am In Christ







I am accepted...



John 1:12

I am God's child.



John 15:15

As a disciple, I am a friend of Jesus Christ.



Romans 5:1

I have been justified.



1 Corinthians 6:17

I am united with the Lord, and I am one with Him in spirit.



1 Corinthians 6:19-20

I have been bought with a price and I belong to God.



1 Corinthians 12:27

I am a member of Christ's body.



Ephesians 1:3-8

I have been chosen by God and adopted as His child.



Colossians 1:13-14

I have been redeemed and forgiven of all my sins.



Colossians 2:9-10

I am complete in Christ.



Hebrews 4:14-16

I have direct access to the throne of grace through Jesus Christ.


I am secure...



Romans 8:1-2

I am free from condemnation.



Romans 8:28

I am assured that God works for my good in all circumstances.



Romans 8:31-39

I am free from any condemnation brought against me and I cannot be separated from the love of God.



2 Corinthians 1:21-22

I have been established, anointed and sealed by God.



Colossians 3:1-4

I am hidden with Christ in God.



Philippians 1:6

I am confident that God will complete the good work He started in me.



Philippians 3:20

I am a citizen of heaven.



2 Timothy 1:7

I have not been given a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind.



1 John 5:18

I am born of God and the evil one cannot touch me.


I am significant...



John 15:5

I am a branch of Jesus Christ, the true vine, and a channel of His life.



John 15:16

I have been chosen and appointed to bear fruit.



1 Corinthians 3:16

I am God's temple.



2 Corinthians 5:17-21

I am a minister of reconciliation for God.



Ephesians 2:6

I am seated with Jesus Christ in the heavenly realm.



Ephesians 2:10

I am God's workmanship.



Ephesians 3:12

I may approach God with freedom and confidence.



Philippians 4:13

I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.


I hope you will study these verses and pray for God to help you in your unbelief.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[josiahoftenn]

Do you have kids?And I have also been with anorexia for a month I ate a few times in that month it was when I had been just about commiting suicide all day, all I could think about was commiting suicide.But if you do have kids how old are they?And are they boys or girls?

PS:Is there a suicide forum here?

 

[blessedmomof5]

Trish ,

i believe all those things,they are not my problem, my problem is me not wanting to get better....so either i issed something or i am so lost i don;t even know it......

Denise

josiahoftenn,
yes i have children. yes i have heard it all before, they are 2 stes of twins 9 almost 8 and a 3 yr old....and i am not to sure about that forum....i am not going to kill myself.....on purpose, if thats what u think.....would never do that to the kids to much for them to bear...

 

[goldenviolet]

Thank you Mr Chesse and Dee,
And Dee, i am still in the panic state,will not get on the scale and went yesterday and joined the gym.....i am going to get my weight down, but you explained it perfectly.

i think the gym is a great idea. it will encourage you to find your balance of food and energy. i pray that this is a stepping stone to another healthy resource for you!

 

[blessedmomof5]

actually dee, it went well, i was there for 1 1/2 hrs worked my butt off, want to go again tonight, but think i will not, jerry will not be to pleased. i will go after church tomorrow and try 2 hrs.... it also does wonders for my head when i am not dizzy......