I hate myself.....****TRIGGER****

[sunstruckdream]

I don't know a whole lot.But don't look at those scales, if you want the devil to win go ahead don't eat, your just giving satan satisfaction and dissapointing yourself and the people around you.I have a song you need to listen to it's by super chick I need to find it for you.

the superchick song is called "courage" and it's on their new CD Beauty From Pain. it's like the story of my life sometimes -

i told another lie today
and i got through this day, no one saw through my games
i know the right words to say
like "I don't feel well, I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look and for a moment
For a moment, I am happy
But when I'm alone no one hears me cry

Ch. I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we'll make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how it changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm okay
And for a moment, for a moment
I find hope
But there are days when I'm not okay
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

Ch. again

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when
But I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow

Ch.

(Can you tell I have the CD? )
Seriously, though...I know what you're talking about, it happens to me too. I guessI'm still not fully recovered. But I've learned a lot since I gave it over to Jesus, and I DO know that you shouldn't ever feel unbeautiful. God designed our bodies in a beautiful way, and part of that design requires us to eat for fuel. If you eat what you need to feel satisfied and keep God's temple (your body!) healthy, then the weight you are is the right weight, the weight in accordance with His (beautiful!) design!

 

[madison1101]

Denice,
When I first read that list, I believed it in my head, but not in my heart. That has been my problem for years. I have had head knowledge of God's love and forgiveness, and who I am to God, but had not really internalized it in my heart.

I have actually read this list to myself once a day for a while in order to really internalize it. Because if you really believe these truths in your gut, you will want to take care of your body because you will love yourself as God loves you. You and I have not valued ourselves as God has, or we would not have done what we have done to our bodies with our eating disorders. We would not have believed the lies of the devil.

Hugs,
Trish

 

[josiahoftenn]

the superchick song is called "courage" and it's on their new CD Beauty From Pain. it's like the story of my life sometimes -

i told another lie today
and i got through this day, no one saw through my games
i know the right words to say
like "I don't feel well, I ate before I came"
Then someone tells me how good I look and for a moment
For a moment, I am happy
But when I'm alone no one hears me cry

Ch. I need you to know
I'm not through the night
Some days I'm still fighting to walk towards the light
I need you to know
That we'll be okay
Together we'll make it through another day

I don't know the first time I felt unbeautiful
The day I chose not to eat
What I do know is how it changed my life forever
I know I should know better
There are days when I'm okay
And for a moment, for a moment
I find hope
But there are days when I'm not okay
And I need your help
So I'm letting go

Ch. again

You should know you're not on your own
These secrets are walls that keep us alone
I don't know when
But I know now
Together we'll make it through somehow

Ch.

(Can you tell I have the CD? )
Seriously, though...I know what you're talking about, it happens to me too. I guessI'm still not fully recovered. But I've learned a lot since I gave it over to Jesus, and I DO know that you shouldn't ever feel unbeautiful. God designed our bodies in a beautiful way, and part of that design requires us to eat for fuel. If you eat what you need to feel satisfied and keep God's temple (your body!) healthy, then the weight you are is the right weight, the weight in accordance with His (beautiful!) design!

Yes thank you I have the CD to but I couldn't remember the song.It spoke to my heart when I heard it it reminded me so much of my past friend and a few people I know now.

 

[blessedmomof5]

Yes that song does explain it just perfect thanks.....
trish ,
i will read it, daily...
Love Denise

 

[goldenviolet]

actually dee, it went well, i was there for 1 1/2 hrs worked my butt off, want to go again tonight, but think i will not, jerry will not be to pleased. i will go after church tomorrow and try 2 hrs.... it also does wonders for my head when i am not dizzy......

balance, not obession

 

[goldenviolet]

.
​

 

[blessedmomof5]

Dee so you think 2 hrs is to long, ? i find it to be the right amount of time and love the elliptical, althought i will admit i have to stop myself. and there was a girl there who was clearly anorexic, and she was trying to get better and thought to myself well this is not the place, funny how almost all of us have short hair from losing it, almost like a secret sign...anyway see had the ### covered up on the machine and she had to keep slowing herself down, i felt bad for her, she got up and left, plus i am sure i was of no help i did fight with myself, but thought hey this is what i want to do, she was the one that is trying to get better .....maybe she should go somewhere else......so she left. and so did i. i tried to find her when we left and i could not, i was going to try and talk to her, praying to see her again...

 

[goldenviolet]

2 hrs is to long, ?.......... a weekly work out schedule depends on lots of things. they should have a specialist at your gym. you could ask how much / and dietary needs too. dietary as in your food intake balance. what made me worry is the dizzy and faintness you describe. that is not ok.

you could find out what kind of workout/dietary plans there are and then choose a shedule (of both)... working out, without eating is dangerous. make sure you carry a water source too. working out also depletes your liquid needs.

.

Dear Father, i pray that your blessings continue to fallow Denise and guide her. Father please don't let her get discouraged, but bless her and build her up Dear Lord. Father i pray that Denise will see this person again and that you will bless their meeting and make it fruitful. in Jesus' name, amen.

 

[blessedmomof5]

Dee, see this is what does more damage han good, went for my well desreved massage, and i have been going to him for yrs, and he askes whats up and i tell him, after we are done he tells me that women espcially younger women would kill to have a body like mine so now of course the thoughts are going through my head ok for sure i am clearly bot anorexic looking and not thin enough, i have muscle tone ugh. i don;t want that i want thin and bones,omgoodness, now i am screwed.........then i said well such and such is a good # and it was low he said well i am sure it would be as long as u have muscle mass... ok so now 3 hrs at the gym.........

 

[Music4Hym777]

Dee, see this is what does more damage han good, went for my well desreved massage, and i have been going to him for yrs, and he askes whats up and i tell him, after we are done he tells me that women espcially younger women would kill to have a body like mine so now of course the thoughts are going through my head ok for sure i am clearly bot anorexic looking and not thin enough, i have muscle tone ugh. i don;t want that i want thin and bones,omgoodness, now i am screwed.........then i said well such and such is a good # and it was low he said well i am sure it would be as long as u have muscle mass... ok so now 3 hrs at the gym.........

Thats not good. Bones and thinness is not good! Muscle is better, the fact is that you are depleting your muscle with each day that passes that you dont eat or you throw up everything you eat. Sooner or later you aren't gonna have any muscle left!

Sorry I haven't been around much, school has been crazy!

 

[josiahoftenn]

Dee, see this is what does more damage han good, went for my well desreved massage, and i have been going to him for yrs, and he askes whats up and i tell him, after we are done he tells me that women espcially younger women would kill to have a body like mine so now of course the thoughts are going through my head ok for sure i am clearly bot anorexic looking and not thin enough, i have muscle tone ugh. i don;t want that i want thin and bones,omgoodness, now i am screwed.........then i said well such and such is a good # and it was low he said well i am sure it would be as long as u have muscle mass... ok so now 3 hrs at the gym.........

Men are so stupid well alot of them.You just need to eat healthy and work out but NOT CONTANT working out.

 

[goldenviolet]

is he just a personal trainer ? you need to talk to someone who is nutritionist too... how about asking your councellor to help you find someone who is qualified to help you make a schedule... or doctor.

having a good looking shape has nothing to do with your ED. you can look like you have a ED or hide it well. but ED is in your thinking and diet. it is a control and compulsion disorder. getting this under a controllable plan/ a written goal should be your ideal inspiration behind your balanced schedule......
to feel and work at buiding healthy feelings and healthy habits.

 

[blessedmomof5]

***************ok trigger here*************

My plan for a healthy life style isboney thin anorexic loooking.....and now aparnetly iam not,,,,,,over 3 hrs at the gym........Dee i go to my dr every 2 weeks my therapist 2xs a week and my pdoc every other week.....but unless i am ready which i am clearly not nothing will help so tell me why do i go? maybe because i make everyone happy, they think i am getting better? maybe because i will not be thrown into the hospital agian if they think i am trying.....maybe........................

 

[goldenviolet]

maybe because you know you need help as much as you are obsessed with ED behavior.
one thing at a time. one day at a time. one prayer at a time. one goal at a time.
i think you do want help. people with ED fight internally... up and down... it's the control and compulsions that win. the wonderful thing about God and His blessings, is that He finds you where you are at. keep asking Him to take you through each day and help you get to the point of both healthiness and beauty. you are valuable Denise. keep fighting the good fight.

 

[madison1101]

***************ok trigger here*************

My plan for a healthy life style isboney thin anorexic loooking.....and now aparnetly iam not,,,,,,over 3 hrs at the gym........Dee i go to my dr every 2 weeks my therapist 2xs a week and my pdoc every other week.....but unless i am ready which i am clearly not nothing will help so tell me why do i go? maybe because i make everyone happy, they think i am getting better? maybe because i will not be thrown into the hospital agian if they think i am trying.....maybe........................

*******************Trigger*******************





I was stuck in a place similar for 15 years. I attended Overeaters Anonymous meetings to shut my therapist up, but gained 105 pounds. I cried in the meetings about how I hated overeating, but then went home and binged all the time.

I probably would not even be in treatment if I did not study to be a therapist and come to the realization that I would make a lousy therapist if I did not deal with my eating disorder once and for all. My kids, my ex, my therapist, my doctors all tried to get me to do something, but it took graduating from grad school to get me to the point where I was willing to go to any length to get rid of the bingeing.

 

[blessedmomof5]

Trish, in a way i am a therpapst, i try and help thos that are way younger then me by saying look at me do u want to be me i in 20-25yrs? but like i said apparently i look fine.....i work my butt off at the gym, ate barely nohting at times nothing and for what to ose nothing?oh here come the voices again......ok calm down.so are you saying i should do something with my life? what are you telling me here?

love Denise

Dee, i know i might need the help but i do not want it, i want to be as skinny as i can be kinda like living on the edge of a ckliff, but not to sure if i wanna jump or fall......btw there are no days, mins they are mushed together......like ones mushy mess...there si not fight left...the only way to win this now is for him to come and lift me up and to carry me......
Denise

 

[goldenviolet]

2 Corinthians 1:3-4
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.​

 

[blessedmomof5]

here was my comfort today..... not mocking anything here so please do not think i am......

i sat on the bathroom floor and cried bc i ate....and felt HUGE NO HUGE anything would have been better than that feeling.......i begged god to take that feeling away, no its still there...hey it might not be my time for that feeling to leave our time might not be his......so i worked out for 3 1/2 hrs......still feel huge. going back later.....

 

[madison1101]

here was my comfort today..... not mocking anything here so please do not think i am......

i sat on the bathroom floor and cried bc i ate....and felt HUGE NO HUGE anything would have been better than that feeling.......i begged god to take that feeling away, no its still there...hey it might not be my time for that feeling to leave our time might not be his......so i worked out for 3 1/2 hrs......still feel huge. going back later.....

Denice,
Your thinking is so disordered right now. You are still thinking like an eating disordered patient, and need to talk to your therapist about these things. I sit in treatment and listen to women and girls talk like you are sharing here.

It is clear that you do not want to get better. I am certain that your doctor would discourage you from these workouts at this time. Your body cannot sustain itself, and exercise with your eating disorder.

I will keep praying for you.
Trish

 

[blessedmomof5]

Thank you trish, and i will for you as always... had a hard day today... but i have good ones and bad ones... just like you, but i bet yours are gettting better i am proud of you.....you deserve nothing but the best....
Denise