I hate myself for this

[MrDude]

Anytime I go to Church, especially the college bible study, I always see all these wonderful, beautiful, spiritual women. And it always depresses me a little bit. Due to the type of person I am, and the type of career I will have, it always makes me think how I'll never have someone like that. And I hate myself for this. I hate myself for being so mentally weak and allow myself to get depressed over something like that. It's ridiculous. Nothing else can phaze me. I'm very mentally and emotionally stable with everything else.

I'm not really asking for any advice or encouragement I guess, just seeing if anyone else experiences this. Do you see these great women that you would love to just, at the very least, talk to, and then get depressed because you aren't with one/will never be with one? Ladies feel free to answer too.

BTW, please no generic responses such "Pray for God's help". Everyone already knows this.

 

[fishstix]

Why can't you talk to them? You can talk to women without being their future husband.

And unless your future career includes a vow of celibacy, you can't know for sure what it will hold as far as a wife and family go.

 

[GreatistheLord]

You're 19. You're young and have got plenty of time. In 5-10 years, you will look different, act different, and feel different about yourself. Dont put yourself down. I have a great career, but would trade it all to be your age again. You have so much potential to develop into the success God designed you to be. If some women wont like you for some superficial reason, believe me, you are better off without them. There are plenty of women who are looking for someone with character and heart. Dont sell yourself short, God is for you.

 

[MrDude]

Why can't you talk to them? You can talk to women without being their future husband.

I know that. But I'm young and some hormones are still balancing themselves out, so I don't want to develop feelings for some girl that I start talking to and befriend.


Oh and GreatistheLord, I don't have character or heart. I tend to be a stubborn, argumentative, over-aggressive jerk.

 

[Niels]

I know that. But I'm young and some hormones are still balancing themselves out, so I don't want to develop feelings for some girl that I start talking to and befriend.

Dude, that's going to happen anyway. Men and women of all sorts of ages find themselves attracted to people they 'just started talking to one day', and didn't want to develop feelings for. That's pretty much a fact of life. As far as hormones are concerned, I'm about 10 years older than you, and haven't really noticed a decrease yet. If you take reasonable care of yourself, that 'problem' isn't going to go away anytime soon.

The best response I can think of to your original question is to keep in mind that these women are just people. Obviously there's a lot of emotion there, but when it comes right down to it, there's little reason for you to be intimidated by them. Just talk to them and don't worry about it. You might start by asking about how their day's going, or bringing up some interest you have in common.

 

[rhssm]

I know that. But I'm young and some hormones are still balancing themselves out, so I don't want to develop feelings for some girl that I start talking to and befriend.

Oh and GreatistheLord, I don't have character or heart. I tend to be a stubborn, argumentative, over-aggressive jerk.

Okay, I'm going to warn you... I'm giving advice, and I know that's not what you were really asking for, so if you don't want to read it, just skip over it and I will understand.

I can be stubborn, I can be argumentative, I can be over-aggressive sometimes. Possibly not as often as you, but just because you have these traits doesn't neccessarily mean you have to be a jerk. These qualities don't have to make you a bad person, if you use them correctly. You can use these qualities for good also: if you're stubborn, you're also unwavering or perservering; if you're argumentative, you're also opinionated or passionate about your views; if you're over-aggressive, you're also energetic or bold. All of these synonyms I gave do describe you, if how you described yourself above is true. And these are all qualities to be admired in a person, characteristics to be very proud of.

What is wrong with the career that you're going to have? Didn't I read somewhere that you're going to be a policeman or firefighter (I can't remember which one)? These are very noble professions and it takes a special kind of person to fill these positions. I'm not just saying this, I'm dead serious. If a woman won't accept you just because of your career, she is so not worth it!

It sounds like you have a lot of potential as a person...and as someone looking for their future wife, in my opinion. You just don't give yourself enough credit. You do have character and heart because you're human, don't say you don't. We all have this. It's just that not everyone's character and heart is the same. Don't beat yourself up and call yourself a jerk - don't talk about yourself like you have no feelings.. because you're human ---> you deserve better than this. Don't be so mad at yourself for who you are. No one's perfect and we all go through phases where we're trying to figure out how to handle ourselves better and our lives better. As soon as you realize the power you have, to use the God-given characteristics you already have within you... believe me, you're really going to go places, in relationships and every other area of your life.

 

[Lia]

Don't underestimate God's grace upon your life and future. We all don't know what kind of boy/girlfriends and eventually wife/husband we are going to be with. But be assured that God has control over your life, and specifically in your love life in this case.

It's good that you realize that you lack of this and that - it should keep you humble and dependant on God. There will be room to change to be more like Christ and be the man that God created you to be. And once you are ready, God is gonna bring you that special woman - someone that you can thank God for. But you need to prepare yourself first until then.

Again, don't underestimate God's blessing and grace in your life. He is good and God's grace is sufficient for you!

 

[MrDude]

What is wrong with the career that you're going to have? Didn't I read somewhere that you're going to be a policeman or firefighter (I can't remember which one)? These are very noble professions and it takes a special kind of person to fill these positions. I'm not just saying this, I'm dead serious. If a woman won't accept you just because of your career, she is so not worth it!

Yeah I'm gonna be a cop. Divorce rate amongst cops is extremely high. And being as divorce is very high in my family, and I go to a Baptist church, which is one of the leading denominations in divorce rate, I'd say I have a LOT going against me.

Edit: And I'm not mad at myself. Love's just not a feasible option for me. I'm just trying to get over the stupid depression part that comes with it.

 

[TriptychR]

Yeah I'm gonna be a cop. Divorce rate amongst cops is extremely high. And being as divorce is very high in my family, and I go to a Baptist church, which is one of the leading denominations in divorce rate, I'd say I have a LOT going against me.

I don't see what these odds have to do with your own personal convictions and decisions whether to marry or divorce. In fact, I'll be honest: they sound like excuses.

 

[MrDude]

I don't see what these odds have to do with your own personal convictions and decisions whether to marry or divorce. In fact, I'll be honest: they sound like excuses.

You know what the point of history is? To learn from past mistakes.

 

[rhssm]

Yeah I'm gonna be a cop. Divorce rate amongst cops is extremely high. And being as divorce is very high in my family, and I go to a Baptist church, which is one of the leading denominations in divorce rate, I'd say I have a LOT going against me.

Edit: And I'm not mad at myself. Love's just not a feasible option for me. I'm just trying to get over the stupid depression part that comes with it.

Well, you shouldn't base how things will end up for you on how things have gone for the people around you. That's not an accurate sign at all that you're destined to be divorced one day too. I mean, do you think changing denominations would really have that much of an effect on your marriage life? I really don't think so. Because, regardless, you'll be the same person. The same goes for your profession. As far as the mistakes made in your family, just because relatives in your family made this mistake doesn't mean you have to also. It's not hereditary or anything. If anything, seeing how it effected them might make you more aware and cautious because you know what can happen and you've been closer to it. That could work in your favor instead of against you.

But love is a feasible option for you. Do you realize that the one thing that would make it more of a feasible option than anything else is your attitude about it? Seriously, the mind is a powerful thing - it's all about mind over matter. I know we've all heard this before, but I've experienced it in other areas of my life in tremendous ways... and I know it's true. If you can believe that you have just as much a right as anyone to have a chance at finding love then you're much more likely to find it than if you don't believe you will. That's like not even giving yourself the chance. You should give yourself more credit and more of a chance. But first you need to muster up the faith that you really do have more options than you're giving yourself and start believing in who you are as a person.

 

[TriptychR]

You know what the point of history is? To learn from past mistakes.

Exactly. So you should be well-learned by now, right? Instead of shrugging your shoulders and saying "I should never get married because I wanna be a cop/my family gets divorced/I have brown hair/etc." find the reasons why these things happen and adjust your life to avoid those mistakes.

 

[rhssm]

I know it's hard for you to see, right now, how "someone like you" (limiting yourself) could ever find someone and get married, but we can see the potential you really have. And we're just trying to get you to see it.

 

[MrDude]

Arghh, I really didn't want this thread to turn into this.

I'm poor, I'm a terrible spiritual leader, not the best looking guy on the planet, and I love comic books, especially Batman. Not exactly a whole lot of "potential".

 

[TriptychR]

Arghh, I really didn't want this thread to turn into this.

I'm poor, I'm a terrible spiritual leader, not the best looking guy on the planet, and I love comic books, especially Batman. Not exactly a whole lot of "potential".

...

I have friends like that who are already married...

 

[rhssm]

Arghh, I really didn't want this thread to turn into this.

I'm poor, I'm a terrible spiritual leader, not the best looking guy on the planet, and I love comic books, especially Batman. Not exactly a whole lot of "potential".

I know you didn't want it to turn into this, and that's why I felt bad about turning it into this... but really, this is the root of your problem. If you can't fix this, then everything else that follows it won't be able to be fixed either. This is where the problem is: you don't give yourself the credit you deserve and you don't give yourself a chance for a chance.

What you just described of yourself, I don't see as having no potential. How much money you have really doesn't matter in this area. You don't want someone who wants you for your money anyway. You should probably work on your spirituality if you feel it's a weak area... but you know what? It looks to me like you're working on that right now by being in a Christian message board trying to make things better for yourself. You're on your way. I saw your picture, you're attractive. You don't have to be perfect. If that were the case pretty much the whole world wouldn't be able to find love and get married. There are people who are married who aren't attractive at all. It doesn't matter, what matters is who you are. When you begin to believe that who you are is okay - not a bad thing - you'll automatically become more attractive. So you like comic strips... and what's wrong with this? I know men older than me who are still into cartoons. What's wrong with that? Nothing. You really shouldn't underestimate yourself.

 

[awashinlove]

I'd say I have a LOT going against me.

If you already know "Pray for God's help," then I'd say you've got everything in the world going for you. I used to think there were a million things going against my finding someone - quirky sense of humor, costly animals which will be a burden for any income, and desire to adopt instead of have biological children to name a few - but I've learned to remember I'm only waiting for one person among billions and God's got only the best for me in store if I only hand it over. Don't depreciate nor put on a pedestal the wonderful, beautiful, spiritual women you've seen, and never expect mediocrity of yourself, of your future spouse, and certainly not from the creator of the universe who has a wildly wonderful mind.

Blessings,
awashinlove

 

[MrDude]

Arghh, listen I said I wasn't looking for advice or encouragement on finding women or getting the courage/confidence to approach them. I was looking for advice on getting over the depression thing. And to see if anyone else experiences this.

Listen I really appreciate the advice, I know you mean well, but it's not what I'm looking for.

 

[fishstix]

Yeah I'm gonna be a cop. Divorce rate amongst cops is extremely high. And being as divorce is very high in my family, and I go to a Baptist church, which is one of the leading denominations in divorce rate, I'd say I have a LOT going against me.

Edit: And I'm not mad at myself. Love's just not a feasible option for me. I'm just trying to get over the stupid depression part that comes with it.

Arghh, I really didn't want this thread to turn into this.

I'm poor, I'm a terrible spiritual leader, not the best looking guy on the planet, and I love comic books, especially Batman. Not exactly a whole lot of "potential".

Just because divorce rates are high, it doesn't guarantee that a given couple in that category is going to get divorced. I have a cousin who is married to a police officer. They have been married for over 20 years, have 3 children and are still happily married. And plenty of Baptist couples stay married - they certainly don't all get divorced.

Technically, only 1 person is the best looking guy on the planet, so you have a lot of company Seriously though, it doesn't matter if you aren't a supermodel. Most people aren't so shallow that they require a stunningly beautiful/handsome spouse - even if they are stunningly beautiful/handsome themselves. And there are lots of good women out there who would be fine with a guy who likes comic books, including Batman. In fact, there are plenty of good women out there who like comic books, including Batman, themselves. The fact that you like comic books shows that you probably have a sense of humor and an imagination. Those are good qualities

You never know when a wonderful Godly Christian woman who is attracted to just the kind of guy you are will cross your path. One who would love to marry a comic book reading, Baptist police officer. It could happen any time. Don't focus on the negatives; try to find some positives to look for.

 

[AveMaria]

First of all, bless you for going into law enforcement!

I did want to point something out, regarding the divorce rates. I'd say the fact you're aware of such a high divorce rate in the field is a good thing - should you ever meet the woman you want to marry, you (and she) will be in the position to address these concerns before the wedding - pre-marital counseling, finding support afterwards, etc. Marriage is something that has to be worked at!

As far as the depression, I don't know if you're seeing a doctor or a counselor or anything like that, but I would recommend looking into that. Sometimes, there's a biological cause - my mom suffered from depression for years until they discovered she had some endocrine health problems, and once she got treatment for that, her depression was significantly easier to manage.