There is no light at the end of the tunnel. I have no money. I can't afford therapy. I can't afford a hospital. I can't pay my bills even though I work long and hard hours. I eat peanut butter sandwiches everyday. I would love hot food. I'm cold. It's dark. I see no light. I can't put one foot in front of the other. The visual hallucinations (alters) are getting scarier and scarier. The devil is fighting God right in front of me at work. I can't sleep. I usually never sleep long, but I've gone 4 days without shutting my eyes because the alters are screaming. I wish somebody would kill me. I want the pain to stop. I want the pain to stop. I want the screaming to stop. I want everything to stop. I don't want this anymore. There is no God. If there were he would stop the pain. It just gets worse and worse. I have no hope. I just want it to stop. Please, I want it to stop.
Peanut butter sandwiches are good. Lots of protein, so well done for that. Don't punish yourself because you are doing what you can. Have you tried toasting those sandwiches? Don't stick them in the toaster, that would be really messy - fry them in a non stick pan, without oil. Just about any sandwich can turn into a meal this way.
Do you like bananas? Do you think you could manage a few bananas as well as those peanut butter sandwiches? I read once that bananas have practically every nutrient we need to stay alive, so they are a wonderful food, and if you buy them from a market they need not be expensive. And mashed banana sandwiches are just heaven!!
Meanwhile, here is Psalm 23.
The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death.
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Today, Lifewanderer, these words are yours. They are a gift to you, and are speaking of you. If you can, print them out and try to memorise the words. I have them in a picture frame beside my bed, and when things are at their worst, these words help me to remember who I am.
When you feel overwhelmed, then become like a cork bobbing in the sea; a cork can get battered by all those waves, but all it has to do is to be, and sooner or later it will bob up again. This is what I do. I keep still, and wait for the storm to pass, and become a cork. If those voices start, tell them, I can't hear you; I am a cork. Cork's can't hear, they can only bob in the sea, waiting for the storm to pass.
Are you taking any meds at present? Is there anything that you know would help, but you can't get hold of it? Someone may be able to help, if we can find out what can be done. Meanwhile, it is a good idea to ring a women's group. There is no subsitute for real, human contact.
May God be with you, Lifewanderer. Take care. And remember, you are not alone. I am right beside you all the way.
Cathy
xxx
