I feel so selfish

[Iwannaflyaway]

I wrote a thread a week ago about how I am living with my youth leader and how she has a boyfriend who lives very far away. Anyways I was always upset about how much they talked and just recently Ive started to fear about them getting closer.

The reason I am leaving with my youth leader is because my mom couldn't take care of me. I know I'm "old" enough to be on my own but the truth is...i'm not. The second reason she took me in was because I was sexually abused for years as a child and she felt God was telling her to take me in so the proper healing can start.

I moved in about 2 months ago...about three days ago her boyfriend came to visit. I don't know how to deal with this. I know I said it was probably jealousy in the other thread but I feel like it's something different.

This guy is a nice guy...i'm not scared of him. I'm just scared of what will happen next. Also I get so upset...like enough to leave the room and cry when they hug or when they cuddle or when they show pretty much any affection at all.

This is where I don't understand myself. I don't know why I get sooo upset when he touches her or when she touches him.

The biggest thing I am scared of is the future. I want my youth leader to be happy...she has done so much for me I can't even begin to write it down. So married or unmarried whatever way she is happy. The thing is, is that neither of us expected that her boyfriend would come into her life this fast I'm afraid I'm getting in the way of her being happy...i feel like she is going to decide she doesn't want me to live here anymore...I feel like I'm preventing things from happening and I feel so bad but I also feel so selfish because I keep thinking about how I feel and where I'm going to go and if i'm going to be taken care of....and I'm just so confused and so scared.

and i feel like i just wrote a whole bunch of gibberish.

 

[madison1101]

I can relate to what you have shared about the fear of losing the person who you perceive as a caretaker/parent figure. I suffered from that feeling for most of my life. It took years of therapy, along with being discipled by a loving woman who guided me through scriptures to begin to heal. I also was sexually abused. My discipler moved 1000 miles away, and I was devastated, but we keep in touch.

I would suggest you seek therapy to help you work through this fear you have concerning your youth leader. Also, begin to study scriptures and meditate on them, especially the ones concerning assurance of God's love.

 

[Jazzedforhim]

I think that you will probably always have scars in your life because of your past. It sounds like you really love your youth pastor...it really comes across in your post. I'm sure you probably feel like you might loose yet another person in your life. Rest assured that no matter what happens God will never leave you! He is always with you and he will give you peace that passes all understanding. Seek him in prayer and read the word as much as you can. He really can heal your heart AND he can use these experiences to heal others as you grow in your faith.

 

[ub4me]

Fear Not, For I Am With You Says The Lord.


The Unknown...can Be Terrifying
But Look How Far You Have Come
Surely The Lord Is With You
Think Of All You Have Made It Through
And Yet You Still Care And Love
You Are A Special Person
You Have Strength Unimaginable
Because Of Christ In You

When These Feeling Overwhelm You, Talk To You Heavenly Father...this Is Where We Find Our Peace. Rest In His Arms Of Love.

 

[Jocklen]

If I were you I would talk with your youth leader about this. If you are confused about what she thinks about your stay then talk to her about what she wants and how you can work it out. Be prepared to accept the worst.
It does sound like you have been through a lot. Time does heal a lot of nasty things and faith in God can multiply healing (that is from first-hand experience). You will have to forgive your abusers, your mom, and most of all, yourself. You are going to have to eventually move on, however, and eventually move out. Mabye the sooner the better?

Trust that God will take care of your spirit.