I don't want to do this any more

[tundrawolf]

Hi,

To start out, I was very heavily abused when I was a child, to the point where a close family member who was an abuser tried to murder me, I assume to cover up what he was doing to me. Sexual abuse... Then I was molested by some peers, and then physically abused by the close family member again to the point of breaking my wrists/ribs etc from age 3 to age 14.

I don't remember my childhood. I get flashbacks.

During my teenage years I experimented with bestiality, and although I knew it was wrong, I struggled with it on and off for years. My virginity was lost this way, however much it can be lost to an animal. Growing up the females (Girls, women) I was around were very, very cruel to me, further alienating any hope I could have had for a healthy attraction to the opposite sex.

When I turned 18 I had my first consensual sexual experience with a man. It was horrible. But it began a several years- long affair with men. Probably 5 one night stands with men I'd meet on the internet. I didn't even know their names.

My behavior got riskier and riskier and eventually I knew I had to stop. I was chasing the dragon... trying to find love, fulfillment, and meaning in empty sex with men. It was exciting, fun, but empty. Risk made it fun.

I got an HIV test, it came back negative, and I have not had sex with a man since.

This was 20 years ago.

Today I struggle with it like I have been with a man just yesterday. Some times I fall and look up porn. It's not very often that I do it, and I know it's wrong, and I hate it.

I have gotten a lot better... I am not attracted to men per se, but sex, yes. Just being touched, being wanted.

Recently a woman I very highly respect and love, I found out she actually likes me (As a boyfriend). She is not a Christian. She told me she was a virgin and that I could have her, but I told her I would not unless we were married. I highly respect a woman who can keep her virginity, and I would feel like scum to take that from her without a life commitment. She deserves someone who will truly love her.

We held hands, we hugged... I held her in my arms. It was amazing, but confusing.

After a few weeks of hanging out with her, I told her the truth, I struggle with homosexuality, and have been involved in bestiality in my past. I don't want to keep anything from her. She had been going through a lot in her personal life, and she felt it would be best to be friends.

To be honest I don't think either one of us really knew what we were doing. We saw something in one another but we didn't know how to go about dating.

A few weeks after this, present day, she doesn't talk to me any more. I have had time to think about it and I can tell she really liked me... But she wanted me to take initiative, to sweep her off her feet, and truly, I want to do that, but I feel like there is a gaping hole in my soul. Like there should be something there, but it's missing.

I feel lost, empty, cold. Ruined, and hopeless. Not for this woman, because I know I she's not Christian. Otherwise she is nearly perfect for me.

My boss here said I used to be so happy go lucky. It was a front, yes, but I lived it the best I could. He said I have changed in the past year and a half. I am angry, bitter.

I am.

The other day I found myself stuck out in the mud, in my truck, it was midnight, I was angry. I let loose and shook my fist at God. A lot of the hateful, angry things I said were true. One of the things I said was, screaming, at the top of my lungs, I don't want a future, or a hope. I just want to be done. With all of this. I don't want to do it any more. I was angry when I said those things. I still feel that way more often than not.

I am almost 40 years old and I feel like a child around women. I don't want to lie or hold things back. Many women have come after me, tried to have relationships with me, but I'm confused, cold, detached.

My heart yearns and aches for affection, but it seems my time is spent resisting my desires. Resist, resist, resist. Day in and day out. Dying to myself, over, and over, and over... For twenty years. I know it'll probably be for another twenty, forty years or more.

I can't do this any more. I just don't want to. I am running out of energy. What energy is replenished is spent on resisting temptation. I have no relief. No hope. Some times I get periods of a sort of joyful numbness, but that is few and far between. I am not suicidal.

I'm just tired. And I don't know what to do any more.

 

[Purge187]

The horrible abuse that you suffered as a child - which was not your fault - may have distorted your God-given sexuality, as abuse oftentimes will do. Is there a counselor that you can talk to?

 

[grandvizier1006]

Seek a therapist to help with all of the sexual abuse. You're a victim and shouldn't feel so guilty for everything you did afterwards with men and animals and not responding to women. If most women knew about your past they'd leave, but not because they'd think, "oh, well, he's gay, so I can't date him". It's more of a sense that they don't know what to do. They might want to help, but they can't. A lot of women, you must understand, grow up without understanding any sort of sexuality at all, thinking that they're "not supposed to like it". And some of them can't imagine the pain that you've been through or understand why you sought out men, porn and animals--you were just looking to find some means to cope.

What you need to understand first and foremost is that God FORGIVES you. He has given you a future and a hope, whether you like it or not. He wants you to leave all of that pain behind, and while it's not something simple that you can do overnight, He wants to help you by shouldering the burden of EVERYTHING you've experienced. He wants to take it all away from you and put it on Himself. That's why He died.

A therapist and a good church can help you get rid of the old shame and start adjusting into a normal, Christ-serving life with other believers--some of which btw, will love you even more if you told them everything you told the non-Christian woman.

I met someone a few weeks ago who had a very nice girlfriend that was comforting me when I felt down. When the guy finally spoke up, he mentioned that he had been addicted to porn, struggling with perfectionism, and had even attempted suicide. I was shocked. How could someone like him have a girlfriend? Why was she staying with him even after she knew all of that baggage he had?

It's because we are new creations in Christ, my friend. This guy went from the pit of despair to an upstanding gentleman. Remember that the future God has planned for you is bright, no matter what it's like!

 

[JoeyLAnc]

Hi,

To start out, I was very heavily abused when I was a child, to the point where a close family member who was an abuser tried to murder me, I assume to cover up what he was doing to me. Sexual abuse... Then I was molested by some peers, and then physically abused by the close family member again to the point of breaking my wrists/ribs etc from age 3 to age 14.

I don't remember my childhood. I get flashbacks.

During my teenage years I experimented with bestiality, and although I knew it was wrong, I struggled with it on and off for years. My virginity was lost this way, however much it can be lost to an animal. Growing up the females (Girls, women) I was around were very, very cruel to me, further alienating any hope I could have had for a healthy attraction to the opposite sex.

When I turned 18 I had my first consensual sexual experience with a man. It was horrible. But it began a several years- long affair with men. Probably 5 one night stands with men I'd meet on the internet. I didn't even know their names.

My behavior got riskier and riskier and eventually I knew I had to stop. I was chasing the dragon... trying to find love, fulfillment, and meaning in empty sex with men. It was exciting, fun, but empty. Risk made it fun.

I got an HIV test, it came back negative, and I have not had sex with a man since.

This was 20 years ago.

Today I struggle with it like I have been with a man just yesterday. Some times I fall and look up porn. It's not very often that I do it, and I know it's wrong, and I hate it.

I have gotten a lot better... I am not attracted to men per se, but sex, yes. Just being touched, being wanted.

Recently a woman I very highly respect and love, I found out she actually likes me (As a boyfriend). She is not a Christian. She told me she was a virgin and that I could have her, but I told her I would not unless we were married. I highly respect a woman who can keep her virginity, and I would feel like scum to take that from her without a life commitment. She deserves someone who will truly love her.

We held hands, we hugged... I held her in my arms. It was amazing, but confusing.

After a few weeks of hanging out with her, I told her the truth, I struggle with homosexuality, and have been involved in bestiality in my past. I don't want to keep anything from her. She had been going through a lot in her personal life, and she felt it would be best to be friends.

To be honest I don't think either one of us really knew what we were doing. We saw something in one another but we didn't know how to go about dating.

A few weeks after this, present day, she doesn't talk to me any more. I have had time to think about it and I can tell she really liked me... But she wanted me to take initiative, to sweep her off her feet, and truly, I want to do that, but I feel like there is a gaping hole in my soul. Like there should be something there, but it's missing.

I feel lost, empty, cold. Ruined, and hopeless. Not for this woman, because I know I she's not Christian. Otherwise she is nearly perfect for me.

My boss here said I used to be so happy go lucky. It was a front, yes, but I lived it the best I could. He said I have changed in the past year and a half. I am angry, bitter.

I am.

The other day I found myself stuck out in the mud, in my truck, it was midnight, I was angry. I let loose and shook my fist at God. A lot of the hateful, angry things I said were true. One of the things I said was, screaming, at the top of my lungs, I don't want a future, or a hope. I just want to be done. With all of this. I don't want to do it any more. I was angry when I said those things. I still feel that way more often than not.

I am almost 40 years old and I feel like a child around women. I don't want to lie or hold things back. Many women have come after me, tried to have relationships with me, but I'm confused, cold, detached.

My heart yearns and aches for affection, but it seems my time is spent resisting my desires. Resist, resist, resist. Day in and day out. Dying to myself, over, and over, and over... For twenty years. I know it'll probably be for another twenty, forty years or more.

I can't do this any more. I just don't want to. I am running out of energy. What energy is replenished is spent on resisting temptation. I have no relief. No hope. Some times I get periods of a sort of joyful numbness, but that is few and far between. I am not suicidal.

I'm just tired. And I don't know what to do any more.

Hello friend,

Let me start off by saying that no matter what you have been through and will go through, God loves you with all his might. You have accepted him as your savior and therefore you have been paid for by his blood. I want you to understand that God has planned your entire life for you. There is a reason you have been through so much, and I truly believe that God will not give you what you cannot handle. I would encourage you to take time to love yourself for everything you're worth. You should learn to love your past and learn to love your present. Very little can be done when you spend time and energy in hating who you are and what you came from. I believe the first step is accepting what happened to you and learning to live through it.

The topic of your sexuality is very touchy because many people will argue and say you are doing right by trying to fall in love with a woman. I am a homosexual man, and I want to ask that you not involve an innocent woman in trying to change you. If you truly believe that your homosexuality can be changed, then I would urge you to do it before you try and seek a woman to love. Be sure that you have changed your sexuality because I believe that no good can come from you involving an innocent woman with that. Like I said I am a homosexual man and I have learned that Jesus will love me no matter what.

 

[tundrawolf]

Hello friend,

Let me start off by saying that no matter what you have been through and will go through, God loves you with all his might. You have accepted him as your savior and therefore you have been paid for by his blood. I want you to understand that God has planned your entire life for you. There is a reason you have been through so much, and I truly believe that God will not give you what you cannot handle. I would encourage you to take time to love yourself for everything you're worth. You should learn to love your past and learn to love your present. Very little can be done when you spend time and energy in hating who you are and what you came from. I believe the first step is accepting what happened to you and learning to live through it.

The topic of your sexuality is very touchy because many people will argue and say you are doing right by trying to fall in love with a woman. I am a homosexual man, and I want to ask that you not involve an innocent woman in trying to change you. If you truly believe that your homosexuality can be changed, then I would urge you to do it before you try and seek a woman to love. Be sure that you have changed your sexuality because I believe that no good can come from you involving an innocent woman with that. Like I said I am a homosexual man and I have learned that Jesus will love me no matter what.

I woke up this morning with the realization that I am wasting my time and energy trying to root out homosexuality from my life. It is too ingrained, what is godly has been corrupted, like a cancer homosexuality has taken what was designed for my pleasure, enjoyment, and edification and twisted and corrupted it. To destroy homosexuality at this point would be to destroy my desires, and what is good. I am in no way saying I accept homosexuality, as homosexuality is an abomination.

You are NOT a homosexual man. Paul says that some of those in the Corinthian (1 Corinthians 6:11) church WERE homosexuals, past tense. Paul would have condemned that talk. Just because you do not see a way out does not give you the excuse to stop fighting, and resign to call yourself a homosexual. You are not one. No thief who accepts Christ continues to call himself a thief. You have these desires, you have these struggles, yes, they are ingrained, and you are under an abominable curse. Resting in a curse is not right, in my opinion.

Read what I wrote. I in no way entered into a relationship with this woman as a means of somehow curing myself. One of the most angry, bitter realizations I have come across is the fact that a woman is NOT going to cure me. At best she would be a temporary cure, until I understood I am still damaged. As I said above, I discovered that she liked me, and I indeed liked her. I attempted to enter into a godly relationship with her, I would not take her virginity outside of marriage even though she was willing to give it to me. I told her the truth about my struggles and she rejected me.

I do believe that homosexuality can be changed. All it is is natural God given desires that have been replaced for what is not natural.

If it could not be changed then murderers could go on murdering after accepting Christ. Thieves could go on sinning... Why, then, would an act that makes God sick be immutable? I see many Christians who say they are "Celibate homosexuals" who have given up on resisting sinful desires. Please.

The terrible truth is that I struggle with it because I WANT it. I want it more than God, when it all boils down to it. I am working on it, but I am honest with myself. Any sin in your life... you want more than God. That is basic human nature.

One final bit of advice, I will be a step from failure if I ever consider myself to be free of the temptation of homosexuality. In my case during years of critical development, I was subjected to the most powerful bonding force known to man, to sex, and it has severely damaged me. Through the agonizing years of self denial and seeking God, decades of loneliness and suffering, there is a light I have begun to see, as God repairs wires and restores what so many men just take for granted.

Please do not say you are a homosexual. You are putting yourself under the mantle of a curse. You are struggling with being cursed. Some times the first step a thief needs to take is to stop calling himself a thief.

 

[Brianlear]

Wow, i agree ^^^

 

[#Wonderfulgrace]

Thank you for sharing that tundrawolf!!

 

[Gregory Thompson]

@tundrawolf - Reminds me of "I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me." (2 Corinthians 12:9).

If you feel that you've done all that you can do, and don't know what to do, just rest.