I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I think something is wrong

[pinkjess]

It started after my mom died. I noticed I became kind of indifferent toward God. It was weird because I didn't have a hard time processing my mom's death. I did my crying the night before she died at the hospice center. When I said my goodbyes I was at peace knowing where she was going. So it wasn't like I was deeply traumatized by her death because I was her caregiver for two months so I was already mentally and emotionally prepared for her to go. Only after a couple of months I noticed I wasn't as "bright" as I usually was. I didn't feel love toward God anymore. He felt distant, like He was behind a glass wall that I couldn't break through. I also had feelings of mild anger and apathy. I couldn't put my finger on what was causing it.



Later that summer, I was diagnosed with a pituitary tumor that became the explaination for why I wasn't having regular cycles. A lot of life change had happened to me within a year. First my mom, then the loss of my health. I had to deal with the fact I would have to deal with a hormone-producing sack of crap sitting on my pituitary gland for the rest of my life. Sure, it wasn't a "big" deal in light of more serious conditions such as cancer, but nontheless it still scared me. The medication I had to take for it wasn't friendly either. It can cause heart and kidney "fibrosis" (don't look that up) and the first week I took I had an episode of afib. I ended up tapering my dose down and it went away, but still. The experience terrified me and made me feel increasingly frustrated. A couple of months later I had to quit my first job at a local grocery store because my body couldn't handle it anymore. I started having symptoms of Sjogren's and Lupus that were never diagnosed. And nobody believed me.



In 2017, a year after being sick with my mystery illness and adopting a plant-based diet I was able to work again, but this time I got a desk job I could sit down doing. I volunteered online for data entry projects for a month and then created a resume and started applying to each and every data entry position I could find on ZipRecruiter and Glassdoor. One day while in the clothing detergent aisle of Walmart I got the phone call that landed me with the job I have today with an appliance parts company. I was floored they even considered me, as I had no professional experience. It was definitely without a doubt a God-thing. It was great the first couple of months, I was friendly and happy. But then my social anxiety crept in and I became overly self-conscious of how I looked and sounded to my two co-workers. I developed a stutter/block which made answering the phone a lot harder than it had to be. As a result, my self-esteem wilted. I started getting quiet and kept to myself. Now I am as quiet as a church mouse, hiding behind my desk and praying no one hears me stutter when I pick up the phone. I can hardly make it through three days without an anxiety attack. I have to beg God to help me get through each work day when I wake up. While that is a good thing in that it is making me pray, working shouldn't be so difficult and scary for me that I feel I have to "survive" just to get through it. This isn't how I want to live. I want to be confident and good at what I do, not anxious and inadequate!



And right now I just feel like my circumstances are spiraling out of my control. I am trying to stay calm while I figure out a plan on how to fix the mess-ups I have made. There is so much crap going on inside and outside of me. I don't even know where to begin. I wish I had someone to come alongside me and tell me what to do, but I am the only person who can change my destiny. I know, but it doesn't make it easy. I know what I want, I just don't have the tools I need to get it. And it's making me feel very unfulfilled with my life. I feel like my life carries no purpose. I never "do" anything important for God. I never do anything that makes a difference in people's lives. And one of my life's goals is to help people. I want nothing more than to minister to homeless people and have a career in social work--it's been on my heart for 8 years. I am at the crossroads of wanting to know if I should keep hoping for that dream or to give it up because it will never happen for me. I feel like I could die if my heart's wish to serve and be part of community never comes true. I want to live in Pantego and have a 2003 Volkswagen Beetle and go on adventures with my bicycle and go on outreach trips to bad parts of town and help the homeless. THAT IS ALL I WANT. I don't want a fancy house, or money, or fame. I just want to feel NEEDED. I want to feel like my heart MAKES A DIFFERENCE for the world. I want to feel GOD PLEASED WITH ME. I feel so useless and it makes me feel like crap! I feel like crap! I am so tired of it.



Now I am stuck with feeling useless, unfulfilled and sad all the time. I guess it just built up slowly over time and I didn't really realize it. All of those fears and confusing feelings I held inside, all of those times I felt all alone, and all of my apathy toward God created a breaking point in me. Then the thread broke under all of the weight and I fell into a deep pit of hopelessness. I don't even really know if I can call what I am experiencing depression. All I know is I have been isolating myself more and find I never feel like being around anybody. I have no energy to babysit my nieces anymore. I just want to hide in my room all the time. And it feels like my body and soul are filled with sand and I can't move or get motivated to do anything productive with my life. I'm addicted to my smartphone and Facebook. And food.



I have a plan but I am not sure if I am really going to carry it out. I am thinking I need to close my Facebook account (just for a while), "unplug" from social media (I go on there a lot to seek pity, like I am doing now), and retreat to old fashioned books, the Bible, and simple living. No more Internet unless I am on a computer and no more mindlessly checking my Facebook just because there is nothing else to do. I want to go back to simple living. I want to go outside more and enjoy nature. Maybe it will heal me. I don't know. I just know I can't go on like this anymore. I am coming close to the edge where I am either going to have a mental breakdown or need to take medication. I already have a prescription for Buspar waiting at the pharamcy and I am "this" close to picking it up.

 

[Swords&Sunflowers]

You are brave sis to have gone through that all. Keep courage and pursue your dreams. There are a lot if challenges ahead of you, but take one day at a time. I stutter too and fear to answer the phone when I'm at work. At times it was difficult for me to speak with the Physicians because I go blank. But I just kept going, many times I could see they get frustrated with me because it takes me time to explain. So I encourage you to take courage and keep going. Even if you stutter, you will be surprised that people are forgiving. Don't be too hard on yourself, you've been through much. And yes pursue your dream, you can do it, pray for God to open doors, and wait for His timing, and also look around you, the people He allowed in your life, they need you, you are there in their lives for a reason, such as your nieces. Never forget your identity in Christ that you can do all things through Him, and that you are a daughter of the King. I pray for your health that God would heal you and grant you a healthy life. May the Holy Spirit continue to comfort you of the grief from losing your mother. May light of life enter your spirit and give you gusto to be all God called you to be. Gbu!

 

[Southernscotty]

I have a plan but I am not sure if I am really going to carry it out. I am thinking I need to close my Facebook account (just for a while), "unplug" from social media (I go on there a lot to seek pity, like I am doing now), and retreat to old fashioned books, the Bible, and simple living. No more Internet unless I am on a computer and no more mindlessly checking my Facebook just because there is nothing else to do. I want to go back to simple living. I want to go outside more and enjoy nature.
This is what I recommend Sister, Get out and let God work on your heart. Only allow positive in, No negativity at all, as what goes in comes out and you are speaking things into existence. Speak only positive :]

 

[Roseonathorn]

Seems to me that God has already started to prepare You mentally for the eork with the homeless and needy. You need to know how crappy it feels maybe. You certainly do not need to be all well and sit on high horses and have no idea about sickness, anger and frustration about why God does not answer certain prayers the way we wish. Maybe God teaches You patience and some other values. People are more important than complaining for instance and life goes on... remember to thank God in Your difficulties and not for Your difficulties.

 

[Mom22Feb]

Dear sister you have been through much and seems you are still processing loss and grief. There are professional counselors who can help you get back on track with your life. You are describing what it feels like when depressed and when you fall into a funk and can’t get out. You have a wonderful servants heart and God will use you in His time. We cannot do anything to make Him love us more or less. In my opinion there is a lot of negativity on social media so that is a great idea to take a break. When we feel far away from God it isn’t because He has moved. Our feelings don’t change who He is. “There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus.” Do you have friends, family and/or fellowship with other believers? Take care of yourself first so you can be emotionally healthy to help others. “ Cast all your cares on Him and He will give you the desires of your heart.” May the Lord bless you with hope and healing.

 

[Far Side Of the Moon]

You are brave sis to have gone through that all. Keep courage and pursue your dreams. There are a lot if challenges ahead of you, but take one day at a time. I stutter too and fear to answer the phone when I'm at work. At times it was difficult for me to speak with the Physicians because I go blank. But I just kept going, many times I could see they get frustrated with me because it takes me time to explain. So I encourage you to take courage and keep going. Even if you stutter, you will be surprised that people are forgiving. Don't be too hard on yourself, you've been through much. And yes pursue your dream, you can do it, pray for God to open doors, and wait for His timing, and also look around you, the people He allowed in your life, they need you, you are there in their lives for a reason, such as your nieces. Never forget your identity in Christ that you can do all things through Him, and that you are a daughter of the King. I pray for your health that God would heal you and grant you a healthy life. May the Holy Spirit continue to comfort you of the grief from losing your mother. May light of life enter your spirit and give you gusto to be all God called you to be. Gbu!

It's interesting how common this is. When I worked my office job I had such anxiety answering the phone... especially when everyone was in the office. It's just something that really messed with my mind. It's the performance aspect.

 

[Swords&Sunflowers]

It's interesting how common this is. When I worked my office job I had such anxiety answering the phone... especially when everyone was in the office. It's just something that really messed with my mind. It's the performance aspect.

yeah, and cause it's hard to picture the person's facial expressions on the other line, and the brain hates that lol. It always wants to have a clear picture. Lol I struggled for awhile cause when i go blank, i start to stutter, and worst is i have an accent. Good thing though is a lot of my coworkers have accents too, so many of them are understanding. Lol there was one time i had difficulty explaining to a doc that i think a pt had c-diff, he asked me what's c-diff? i had to say the whole word - clostridium difficile, lol but he couldnt understand it through phone, and i could tell he was getting frustrated, but soon he got it

 

[aiki]

pinkjess:

Every believer is in a daily struggle between Self and God. Who will sit on the throne of my life? Me or my Maker? When I sit on the throne where God ought to be, I become inevitably self-centered and even self-obsessed; I want to be gratified at every turn; I want to be seen, and approved and applauded; I want to be first and best; I want to be protected from hurt, and offense, and loss. When God's not on the throne of my heart, my thoughts always funnel back to me and what I want. Self is carnal and fleshly; it is occupied with satisfying the various impulses of the flesh. Self is temporal in its focus: only what is happening now is important.

Not surprisingly, there's a terrible - but often unseen - danger in letting Self rule, however: Self is not self-regulating. Self radically pursues its own ends. The more Self is indulged, the more it hungers to be indulged. Self, you see, is never truly satisfied. Whatever momentary gratification it achieves, no matter how potent, Self will always eventually desire to be gratified again and to be gratified more. And so, when we let Self rule in our hearts, it does so tyranically and ultimately in a Self-destructive way.

Let me give you an example from my own life of Self's destructive tyranny: I used to be a very shy person. As a young man in my early twenties, I was very withdrawn and isolated. People would mistake my reserve and silence, though, for wisdom and depth. "Still waters run deep," they'd quip. Those around me would excuse my keeping to myself as simple introversion. The truth of the matter wasn't that I was deep, however, but that I was radically ego-centric. I was so concerned about ME, about protecting myself from embarrassment, and humiliation, and criticism that I was willing to forego almost all human interaction to escape these things. My preoccupation with me, with my Self, didn't help me, really, but led me into a prison of loneliness and uselessness to God. I was protected from any damage to my pride, to my ego, by being isolated, but this protection came at the price of an increasingly solitary existence.

This is always the way it is when Self rules. Paul the apostle explained it this way:

Galatians 6:8
8 For he who sows to his flesh will of the flesh reap corruption, but he who sows to the Spirit will of the Spirit reap everlasting life.

Romans 8:5-8
5 For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit, the things of the Spirit.
6 For to be carnally minded is death, but to be spiritually minded is life and peace.
7 Because the carnal mind is enmity against God; for it is not subject to the law of God, nor indeed can be.
8 So then, those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

I can't be both Self-focused and God-centered. Self and God cannot share the throne of my heart; it's either one or the other. Self has to go if God is to rule in my life. Jesus pointed this out:

Matthew 16:24-25
24 Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.
25 For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.

When I read your OP, your focus on yourself was very evident:

"I noticed I wasn't as "bright" as I usually was. I didn't feel love toward God anymore. He felt distant, like He was behind a glass wall that I couldn't break through. I also had feelings of mild anger and apathy."

"It was great the first couple of months, I was friendly and happy. But then my social anxiety crept in and I became overly self-conscious of how I looked and sounded to my two co-workers. I developed a stutter/block which made answering the phone a lot harder than it had to be. As a result, my self-esteem wilted. I started getting quiet and kept to myself. Now I am as quiet as a church mouse, hiding behind my desk and praying no one hears me stutter when I pick up the phone. I can hardly make it through three days without an anxiety attack. I have to beg God to help me get through each work day when I wake up. While that is a good thing in that it is making me pray, working shouldn't be so difficult and scary for me that I feel I have to "survive" just to get through it. This isn't how I want to live. I want to be confident and good at what I do, not anxious and inadequate!"

In these two quotations, you refer to yourself nearly thirty times but to God only twice. It's not difficult to see who is on the throne of your heart. So long as Self is there, however, anxiety, isolation, and frustration will be your frequent companions. The route to the abundant life God offers you in Christ and freedom from the tyranny of Self is through death to your Self. Only when Self dies and one lives unto God, is true fulfillment, and contentment, and peace discovered.

John 12:23-25
23 But Jesus answered them, saying, "The hour has come that the Son of Man should be glorified.
24 Most assuredly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it produces much grain.

Who will occupy the throne of your heart today?

 

[turkle]

Aiki has a lot of good things to say.

If you are passionate about helping the homeless, there are countless volunteer opportunities to do so. I have worked with the homeless for years, and there are never enough people to fill all the needs. Volunteering is the best way to take your eyes off of yourself and put them on others. It will also prepare you for an eventual career in social services. Why not take all the time you are wasting on social media and put it to good use in the area of your interest?

You can't help anybody if you are isolating and feeling sorry for yourself. Ask God to show you a place where you can serve, and then go do it. Wallowing in self pity is always a downward spiral, and looking for pity from others will drive them away from you. The best way to build self esteem is to push past your fears and get out there and make a difference.

Your church may have a ministry you can join for the homeless, so I'd check there first. If not, your community surely has organizations to aid the homeless. The only person who can limit you is you... don't let self pity hinder you from doing something good. You can do this!

 

[Willing-heart]

Broken

 

[ValleyGal]

PinkJess, I'm a social worker, and I can tell you from experience that not a lot of social workers actually work with people who are homeless. There are projects starting to pop up in a lot of towns and cities, such as tiny home communities, container conversions, and other types of prefabricated/prebuilt homes, specifically to address homelessness. Homeless people don't need "social work" so much as they need housing. Where I live, we have a "housing first" approach, and some communities have eradicated homelessness altogether. If you are serious about helping homeless people, the best help you can give them is to work with your city to create a homelessness action plan - that does not require a social work degree so much as a degree that addresses city planning. After people are housed - that's when social workers can step in and help address things like assistance with mental health issues, addictions, job searching, parenting, and other issues they are dealing with. Addressing these issues without meeting basic needs is a futile effort, though. People's immediate needs are safety, housing, food - survival needs. Until these are met, nothing else matters.

But... all that aside, let's take a look at your own situation. You are experiencing anxiety, some depression, and maybe some other unmet needs. Working to meet the needs of others requires a lot - and I do mean a lot - of mental clarity, emotional stability, and social ability. So my suggestion is to go out and listen to homeless people. Just listen. Get to know them. Make a pot of coffee and get some cups from the dollar store, then go around offering them coffee. But don't just give them coffee. They need someone to befriend them, listen to them, hear their story, and maybe even pray with them. Then when you finish hearing a story, honor that and move on.... don't take their stories home with you, because that will create even more depression and anxiety for you.

Spending some time with them and listening to them will give you an idea of frontline work. But be prepared. Some social work positions are more "elite" than others. Where I live, child protection and healthcare are paid highest, but working with homelessness and housing makes the least, certainly not enough to pay for student loans that you may pile up to get a social work degree! I would not recommend social work unless you do go out in the frontlines and volunteer with the most marginalized people.

Please take care of your mental health. Attend your mental health center, get a referral from your doctor for a psych assessment to either confirm or rule out anxiety or mood disorders, go for therapy and treatment, research your conditions and see what you can do that will support treatment (such as what it takes to create happiness in order to combat depression, for example).

Your relationship with God is not predicated on what you can do for him by helping others. Right now you need to help yourself, and you can help others in non-professional ways. Loving God and serving him would begin with loving yourself the way he does, and maximizing your potential by meeting your mental health needs first.

 

[Hazelelponi]

Sometimes bad things just pile on our heads and we feel as if we are drowning.

If your having enough problems that your doctor prescribed you buspar then take it for a short time.

When my daughter died I took buspar for a month.. there isn't shame in it and sometimes it can help you deal with life as you deal with personal issues.

I think you kept trying to bury it all but it wasn't exactly working and things went from bad to worse.

And.. realize social media isn't social.. too much can cause depression so it's good to limit your online time and spend more time with real people and doing RL things..

Also, don't put undue pressure on yourself.. not everyone is a Mother Teresa.. (just an example) there are times you might not be able to do the things you would like, and that's okay. God doesn't say you can't get into heaven if your not super woman doing everything..

We just do what God specifically puts before us and live life.. it's okay.. no pressure. God loves you.

Also, if God is for you who can be against you? As the scriptures say:

"Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death?"

Romans 8:36 answers that question..

It's going to be okay... hold your head up. We are all different people so don't be shy about your own differences.. your a unique creature of God and as such beautiful..