i don't even know what to do anymore.

[yepimonfire]

i have been genuinely seeking god out for the last 4 months and have yet to honestly find him. i have actually been seeking off and on much longer then that.

i was raised a christian, didn't quite understand it (truly understand it) most of my life but i had a nearly unshakable faith. when i was about 18 i ended up getting into satanism for a short time. i did go back to god though, pretty much ever since then i have been seeking him out with practically no success. i am left in the darkness here, having to lean either on others understanding or my own, which is subject to change daily (if you get what i mean). lately i have been having a huge amount of doubt that god is even out there, i mean, what if he isnt? what if im simply wasting my time talking to myself? an all powerful god could have given me at least something, even if something little to hang on to, especially if he really sees my heart, because i am truly genuine in trying to experience him. i am so confused about everything, by everything i mean everything, god, my own life, my purpose, the purpose of anything really. the other day i almost had a nervous breakdown because i realized as i was thinking, "wow, if god is truly not here then this is all nothing but an illusion, life in itself is an illusion, here today and gone tomorrow, with no real purpose, nothing has any purpose".


i have been begging him day and night to just give me something to hang onto, to free me of an addiction i have, to give me understanding and to show himself to me, to help me find a job (i have been unemployed for quite some time now). it almost seems like the harder i pray, the WORSE my problems get, seriously. i have also been very suicidal lately and extremely depressed. i just dont know what to do. like i have truly surrendered my heart to god with everything i have and NOTHING. i just want to know him.

 

[Jn1010]

I have many questions for you. First, have you ever accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior, or is your walk merely mental?

Second, have you ever received the baptism in the Holy Spirit?

Third, do you have a biblical knowledge of Satan? Do you know that he does his best to snatch every bit of truth and faith from your heart.

I would suggest that you deal with these question and listen in faith.

 

[yepimonfire]

I have many questions for you. First, have you ever accepted Jesus Christ as your Savior, or is your walk merely mental?

Second, have you ever received the baptism in the Holy Spirit?

Third, do you have a biblical knowledge of Satan? Do you know that he does his best to snatch every bit of truth and faith from your heart.

I would suggest that you deal with these question and listen in faith.

yes to all of your questions.

i have been shaken by the spirit before especially when i was younger, but when i actually was baptised in the spirit (which was recently) i felt nothing.

 

[Pal Handy]

i ended up getting into satanism for a short time.

Have you renounced satanism and asked God for forgiveness?

When we open the door to evil, evil will come in and stay as
long as we allow it to stay in our lives.
Many times we are ignorant of its effect in our lives
as the devil keeps his tactics up to convince us that God
is against us and not there for us as he blinds us to truth with his lies.

The devil will not leave without a battle that you must now wage against him.

You need to close the door on the devil by renouncing him
and tellling him that you belong to God because you believe
in Jesus Christ and now God is your Father and Jesus Christ is you Lord.

I will pray for you but you need to make up you mind to choose God
and move toward Him in faith.

You know from your past that you had assurance in you heart that God is
real and that His intentions toward you are for good.

Just because you have turned to God now after serving the devil,
does not mean that the devil is willing to give up on you as he is the
one bringing fear, doubt and accusation against God and trying very hard
to get you to turn away from God.

You have a choice, God or the devil.
There is no inbetween.
Heaven or hell.
Forgiveness or damnation.
Jesus Christ as your Lord or the devil.

If you back away from God the devil will take the pressure off for a season
but you will belong to him and that will result in an even worse
outcome for you life as the devil wants you to renounce God so he can
then destroy you at a later date.

If you choose to run to God the devil will make it as difficult as he can
but God will not let him destroy you while God waits on you to see
if you really are ready to come over and stay with Him from now on.

God really does honor your freewill so you must choose.

Once you make up your mind and commit completely to God
without pre conditions as you simply raise the white flag and surrender
absolutely to God in Christ, God will pick up the pieces and bring blessing
into your life as God will defend you and destroy the devil's plan to curse you
and destroy your life and cause you to miss eternal life.

It is your choice...

If you want to surrender, follow the instructions and prayers
I have given you below....

Ask for forgiveness...
Pray...
Father, I ask Your forgiveness in Jesus name for my participation
in satanism. I repent and asked that you would forgive me for
all my sins as I confess Jesus Christ as my Lord and savior.
Father deliver me from all evil and break off every curse of
the devil off of my life and bless me.

Speak against the devil, renounce him.
Say...
In Jesus name, satan I renounce you and I confess Jesus Christ as my Lord and my savior.
I belong to God in Christ and so I command you satan to
take your hands off my life and my situations because I belong
to Jesus Christ and so you have no right to my life or situations any longer.

Now pray this prayer for complete forgiveness and for the Holy Spirit..

Say Father in Jesus name I come to You and I ask You for forgiveness
of all my sins from the time I was born to this very hour.

Father forgive me now as I now forgive all those who have sinned
against me or used me or hurt me in any way.

Father If anyone one has done anything to me at all,
I forgive them, I release them, I bless them and let them go free and
I no longer hold their sins or faults against them.

Father, if I hold anything against myself, any blame or guilt of sin or failure,
I forgive myself as You have forgiven me in Christ.

Father, if I hold anything against You, any blame or accusations,
I repent and I ask that you would forgive me and restore a right relationship between us.

Father, I receive Your forgiveness now for all my sins as I have
forgiven all those who have sinned against me.

Fill me now Father with Your Holy Spirit and power as You promised to Your
Son Jesus Christ, to fill all those who believe in Him with Your Holy Spirit.
Baptize me with the Holy Spirit in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ I pray.

 

[yepimonfire]

Have you renounced satanism and asked God for forgiveness?

When we open the door to evil, evil will come in and stay as
long as we allow it or are ignorant of its effect in our lives
as the devil keeps his tactics up to convince us that God
is against us and not there for us.

You need to close the door on the devil by renouncing him
and tellling him that you belong to God because you believe
in Jesus Christ and now God is your Father and Jesus Christ is you Lord.

I will pray for you but you need to make up you mind to choose God
and move toward Him in faith.

You know from your past that you had assurance in you heart that God is
real and that His intentions toward you are for good.

Just because you have turned to God now after serving the devil,
does not mean that the devil is willing to give up on you as he is the
one bringing fear, doubt and accusation against God.

Ask for forgiveness...
Pray...
Father, I ask Your forgiveness in Jesus name for my participation
in satanism. I repent and asked that you would forgive me for
all my sins as I confess Jesus Christ as my Lord and savior.
Father deliver me from all evil and break off every curse of
the devil off of my life and bless me.

Speak against the devil, renounce him.
Say...
In Jesus name, satan I renounce you and I confess Jesus Christ as my Lord and my savior.
I belong to God in Christ and so I command you satan to
take your hands off my life and my situations because I belong
to Jesus Christ and so you have no right to my life or situation.

Now pray this prayer for complete forgiveness and for the Holy Spirit..

Say Father in Jesus name I come to You and I ask You for forgiveness
of all my sins from the time I was born to this very hour.

Father forgive me now as I now forgive all those who have sinned against me, used me or hurt me in any way. Father If anyone one has done anything to me at all, I forgive them, I release them, I bless them and let them go free and I no longer hold their sins or faults against them.

Father, if I hold anything against myself, any blame or guilt of sin or failure, I forgive myself as You have forgiven me in Christ.

Father, if I hold anything against You, any blame or accusations,
I repent and I ask that you would forgive me and restore a right relationship between us.

Father, I receive Your forgiveness now for all my sins as I have
forgiven all those who have sinned against me.

Fill me now Father with Your Holy Spirit and power as You promised to Your Son Jesus Christ, to fill all those who believe in Him with Your Holy Spirit. Baptize me with the Holy Spirit in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ I pray.

i did. i even wrote down on a piece of paper and signed my name to it renouncing it and claiming jesus as my lord. i also cast many demons out of myself and others did as well. and trust me, there certainly were demons there to get rid of. i had one attempt to drain me dry of life. it made me dizzy and weak as if i could pass out when they started going after it. at one point in time i actually came against any demons of doubt and unbeleif and immediatly my faith returned. although the doubt and unbeleif keeps coming back and i have gone against it again with no success. i also constantly worry if i commited the unforgivable sin (blasphemy of the holy spirit) because when i was a satanist i had an inverted view, satan was our true saviour and god wanted us to remain stupid and powerless. i know that isnt true now but basically god was evil to me then, and i actually renounced him and the spirit.

 

[SoldierOfSoul]

i know that isnt true now but basically god was evil to me then, and i actually renounced him and the spirit.

God has yet to give you up as reprobate, if you keep going down this road it could be possible, but you still have a desire to know God and to trust in Jesus, that in itself is a work of the Spirit on your life. If you were truly forsaken than God would have given you up to some delusion and you would not desire salvation. The only advice I can give you friend is to seek God in scripture and seek to know Him as He is. You can and will find Him if you continue to seek and rely on faith and not feelings or false assumptions. Focus on what is real and true and promised to those who trust in Christ. God is not dependent on how you feel, He works through men by faith, have faith in Him no matter what. That sounds cliche' I know, but God desires faith, it is what salvation hinges on, do not forsake it as hopeless, God can give you the grace to believe once again.

 

[Pal Handy]

i did. i even wrote down on a piece of paper and signed my name to it renouncing it and claiming jesus as my lord. i also cast many demons out of myself and others did as well. and trust me, there certainly were demons there to get rid of. i had one attempt to drain me dry of life. it made me dizzy and weak as if i could pass out when they started going after it. at one point in time i actually came against any demons of doubt and unbeleif and immediatly my faith returned. although the doubt and unbeleif keeps coming back and i have gone against it again with no success. i also constantly worry if i commited the unforgivable sin (blasphemy of the holy spirit) because when i was a satanist i had an inverted view, satan was our true saviour and god wanted us to remain stupid and powerless. i know that isnt true now but basically god was evil to me then, and i actually renounced him and the spirit.

You may need help from others who can pray over you and discern
what is going on so that they can wage war against the enemy.

You can say the prayers I gave you more than once.

I think you need help from other Christians because the enemy
has weakened you and so it is almost like a drowning man who has struggle
so long and hard on his own that he does not have the strength
to swim the short distance that remains to the shore,

You are close...
Don't give up...
Cry out to God...

Until you find others to pray for you pray those prayers
morning, noon and night and you will get relief.

Can you say ...Jesus Christ is Lord?
Have you made Christ the foundation of all of your efforts?
Can you confess Christ as your Lord to me and all those here?

Matthew 10:32
“Therefore whoever confesses Me before men,
him I will also confess before My Father who is in heaven.


Father in Jesus name I rebuke the work of the devil in this mans life
Father I ask that you would rescue him now from evil.
Father I ask that you guide and direct him in the direction he should
go so that he can find deliverance and forgiveness and freedom
in your Son Jesus Christ.
In Jesus name I pray

 

[drjean]

I hope I can help...others have given you good advice already. Since you have walked both sides of the supernatural, can you discern the difference between sensing God and sensing demons? It sounds like you can because you know you don't "feel" God nearby..however, are you feeling the weight of the dark side? I know you know what I mean, and I think that the suicidality is evidence that satan has not let you go.

HOWEVER, if your conversion is true, and you have trusted Christ for your salvation, then upon that is what you must focus. It's changing your thinking that will change your feelings, okay?

Whenever you think something negative..."I can't feel God", "I doubt God exists", "I have no reason to live" you need to stop those thoughts in their tracks and say something like, "No that's not true!" and replace it with a positive (this is called "reframing" where you reframe your thought, your point of view) ... So the I can't feel God would be turned into, "Just because I can't sense God doesn't mean He isn't here in my life and loving me." or something similar. When a thought like I doubt God exists enters your mind, you tell it and yourself, "That's not true, God does exist. That is the devil trying to trick me again. God is real."

This is work, I won't kid you. BUT it works and it can begin working immediately. If you also quote some of the verses others have given, to fortify your positive thoughts, it will be even stronger. Telling satan to go away through the power of the blood of Christ always works for me..and others I tell. Satan hates the power of the blood (as does his demons.)

Make sure that every bit of what was of your satanism is out of your life, house, car whatever. If you had certain clothes that you used to wear and still have them, get rid of them too. No symbols or anything, clear/clean the house and all and then dedicate them to God, through the power of Christ's blood. (Keeping any item invites the demons back.)

Trust God. Pray for God to strengthen you in your trust. Read about God's love and forgiveness...the Book of John is good place to begin.

When you post, try and post more positively...now...rephrase what you are going through. (Instead of saying nothing is working, say something like, I'm trying all those things, and expect them to work soon... faith is key.)

 

[paul1149]

Yep,

From what you've written here, I believe you've got your bases covered and do not need to worry about your position. The question is how to be rid of the residue of where you've been.

Over in John 13, when Peter objected to Jesus washing his feet, He answered:

Jesus said to him, “The one who has bathed does not need to wash, except for his feet, but is completely clean. -John 13:10​

I believe that characterizes your situation, and also points to the remedy: allow Jesus to minister to you.

Sometimes we can get very caught up in the emotions of praying, and yet faith is not in it. You came to Jesus because He is Lord. Allow him to be Lord by extending trust in Him, and by receiving His grace.

Reading on in John's Gospel, Jesus told His disciples to abide in His love and peace. Is your praying affirming that love and peace? I ask because I spent years storming heaven, but there actually was little faith wrapped up in it. I got nowhere until I actually began to believe.

Virtually everything we receive is received through faith. Once in a while we'll get a "spontaneous" sign to help us along the way, but essentially we must turn to the Lord in faith in order to move forward.

Believe that He's got you covered, and that He will work everything for the good (Rom 8.28). And rest in that (Heb 4.11). As you receive His peace, your mind will begin to settle down and things will become more clear. You will find a way to move forward.

Congrats on coming back to the side of Light! Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world.

 

[yepimonfire]

Yep,

From what you've written here, I believe you've got your bases covered and do not need to worry about your position. The question is how to be rid of the residue of where you've been.

Over in John 13, when Peter objected to Jesus washing his feet, He answered:

Jesus said to him, “The one who has bathed does not need to wash, except for his feet, but is completely clean. -John 13:10​

I believe that characterizes your situation, and also points to the remedy: allow Jesus to minister to you.

Sometimes we can get very caught up in the emotions of praying, and yet faith is not in it. You came to Jesus because He is Lord. Allow him to be Lord by extending trust in Him, and by receiving His grace.

Reading on in John's Gospel, Jesus told His disciples to abide in His love and peace. Is your praying affirming that love and peace? I ask because I spent years storming heaven, but there actually was little faith wrapped up in it. I got nowhere until I actually began to believe.

Virtually everything we receive is received through faith. Once in a while we'll get a "spontaneous" sign to help us along the way, but essentially we must turn to the Lord in faith in order to move forward.

Believe that He's got you covered, and that He will work everything for the good (Rom 8.28). And rest in that (Heb 4.11). As you receive His peace, your mind will begin to settle down and things will become more clear. You will find a way to move forward.

Congrats on coming back to the side of Light! Greater is He that is in you than he that is in the world.

yeah, i know this is my problem, i need more faith and better faith, but somehow it seems to be out of my grasp. i keep praying asking for faith (as scripture suggests) but i still have yet to receive a hefty dose of it. it's like im caught in some endless circle that is going nowhere. i don't have faith because i don't see god moving in my life, i don't see god moving in my life because i don't have enough faith, i don't have enough faith because i don't see god moving in my life.


i have been praying for some sort of intervention on his part here. yet nothing.

 

[paul1149]

I think the key is to get off the treadmill. Sometimes I catch myself praying out of a desperate spirit. I'll say something to the effect: Lord, I really need this! I really, really need this! I really, really, REALLY need this!!!

Then I remember that He knows my needs before I ask, and I see how foolish my attitude is.

We may ask, if He knows my needs, why then do I have to ask? The answer is that He wants us to draw near to Him (relationship), and He wants us to participate in wielding Kingdom authority (character). If that is true, then we must conclude that faith is absolutely central, and that when we ask, we should ask expectantly.

Sometimes we are crushed by circumstances, and all we can do is pray out of a broken, desperate heart. That is understandable and the Lord honors that too (Jn 11). But when He allows us to continue to hang out to dry, I believe that at some point we need to get a clue, if you will, and try to understand what He is trying to teach us. We need to start listening.

I've been where you are, and in fact still come up against it at times. But I am learning to quickly get back to my position of resting in faith when I lose my bearings. I can accomplish nothing without it. With it, I settle down and enjoy the Lord again, and have the hope that things are going to work out somehow (Rom 8.28).

So I would say, make a decision – a conscious decision - to get off the Doubt And Works express to nowhere. You're worth more than that to Him.

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. -Gal 5.1

​

Christ went through so much to make us free – He's not about to abandon us now. As you remain in the word (of faith, and of grace) you will see your exalted position in Him, and faith will provide the answers to all your needs (Jn 8.31-32).

 

[BFine]

Ephesians 4:7 But to each one of us grace has been given as Christ apportioned it.

This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24
(Put this into practice.)

Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. Continue to remember those in prison as if you were together with them in prison, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering. (For further reading...Hebrews Chapter 13 all of it.)

"Abide in me as I abide in you.
Just as the branch cannot bear fruit by itself unless it abides in the vine, neither can you unless you abide in me.
I am the vine, you are the branches.
Those who abide in me and I in them bear much fruit, because apart from me you can do nothing."
(excerpt taken from John 15...read all as time allows.)

 

[briareos]

yepimonfire

I encourage you to simply relax, do not obsess and stop worrying about your addiction, rest in grace. I am going to join with you in prayer and I will pray for you as long as you want me too. Keep in touch prayer and seek him with your whole heart and he will not abandon you. I will be praying with you and if I feel the Lord tells me anything then I will let you know.

 

[elenore]

You have renounced satanism?

I don't mean to point fingers, but when we seek, we find. Either God is bigger or he isn't. No one said coming out of the occult is easy but for you to not be able to. That isn't God or the truth.

You've been given excellent advice. And to claim that none of it works seems a bit strange to me. Especially in light of your history.

God is for us, not against us. I would second the advice about getting others to pray for and with you. Particularly those with experience in the holy spirit and spiritual warfare. God can set you free and there has to be a reason why you are in this situation. If you can't find it out yourself, then I suggest you seek help.

The devil can kill you if you don't run towards the light and make the right decisions in this.

 

[Emmy]

Dear yepimonfire. You had some good replies, may I give you one more? God is Love, and God wants loving children/sons and daughters. You say that you don`t know any more. Try Love, selfless and no conditions asked. Jesus told us in Matthew: " The first and great Commandment is: Love God with all your hearts, with all your souls, and with all your minds. The second is like it: Love your neighbour as yourselves." God wants love from us, freely given and no tags attached. Keep telling God that you love Him, and prove to God that you really mean it. Treat all you know and all you meet, as you would love to be treated, with kindness always, and helping hands, where needed. God will see your sincere efforts, and God will bless you. Then gradually: DO and SAY everything with kind words and loving care, and watch how you slowly, but surly, you will change into the loving and kind person, which God our Heavenly Father wants you to be. Love is a Christian`s strong weapon, and Love will overcome all selfishness and enmity.
Jesus will give you His Love and Joy, and the Holy Spirit will give you His Love, also. Jesus told us: " ask and ye will receive," then thank God and share all Love and Joy, ( yours included) with all around you, be a good neighbour. People will notice, and will start treating you the same, your life will be enjoyable. You will stumble and fail sometimes, but ask God to forgive you, and God will forgive you, as you will forgive others. I say this with love, yepimonfire. Greetings from Emmy, sister in Christ. P.S. You will never know, until you try, and let Love change you.

 

[vespasia]

Yepimononfire.
Based on the content of your post you where never serious about atheistic or theistic satanism but you do read as if you where seriously seeking God but as you could not bare to look at Christs bride [the church] at the time you looked at what you thought was the opposite.

What you may well need, as there is nothing in your posts to indicate you have it, is discipleship to help you to build a solid relationship with God through Christ. Everyone has periods of doubt, that goes with being frail failable and human, that is why fellowship with others is so important.

If depression has reached a suicidal level then get support from a doctor; you can use the deprtession support forums which you can find further down the forum. If prayer is not making the depression better then see a doctor as well.

Surrendering is just the start of a journey that lasts a lifetime. Its rare to form a new relationship in which you know and trust everything about another person from the word go.[God can be definded as having personhood] Most humans need to get to know a new person and often that is best done with the support of shared friends [other followers of Christ].


Faith is a gift which is given to some but its also a fruit of Gods spirit at work. God may not grant you what you want if it is something you do not need. Growing fruit that is worth keeping takes time but its also something that when its ready nothing can shake no matter how you feel or what life slings at you. Christ never promised following him would be easy just that he would never leave us on our own.

 

[Jn1010]

You say that you got into Satanism? That would confuse anybody. You'll have to repent from that and denounce it in you're life. You've given Satan a foothold in your life that you will have to get rid of. You can renounce Satanism by using the name of Jesus Christ to force it out of your life. In fact, it will probably be necessary that you do this.

Then make an intensive study of the Bible and let the truths of God sink into your heart.

 

[ChrisHolland619]

The second you stop trying and ask God to come into your life is the second He will reveal himself.

Remember: Christianity is not about going to heaven. It's not about rights and rituals and things you do to "be" a Christian. It's about a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

Once you realize that being a Christian isn't about heaven, and about a God that loved you SO MUCH that he LET US kill HIM, that he gave up that same very breath that he put INTO us to SAVE us, that's when you realize what it's all about. It's about adoration for a Holy God that saved you from your sin because you are perpetually cursed with something called Sin. And nothing will save you but the blood of Christ alone. And He already HAS. All you gotta do is say "thank you Christ", and the Holy Spirit will do the rest.

Getting to heaven is a bonus, and that's all great. But it's not the point. The point is praising and doing the will of a God that loves you. Why? Because he DIED for you.

 

[drjean]

Faith is. Try to accept that. It isn't our faith anyway, but the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ. (James chapter 2).

Why not ask in faith for a small thing, to you, and then stop asking and instead reminding God (and yourself) that you are trusting Him for that answer? It can be something insignificant even...and when you pray, don't ask for it again, but tell God you are trusting Him for this, and thank Him for it. I think you can build faith this way.

When you get your small thing, the devil will probably say, oh that was a coincidence (well there is no such thing in God's world)... so rebuke him in that, and then go on to another request from God...and so on and so on, building your trust and faith in God and His promises.

You do have to stop the negative thoughts, out loud if you have to convince yourself, and stay focussed on God providing. (You can even tell God you are working on trusting and faithing in Him...He already knows but it helps you to be sure He knows this is important to you.)

Thank Him for delivering you from satanism, thank Him and praise Him as much as you can. This will not only help keep idle or negative thoughts out, but will strengthen your relationship with God.

Be well.

 

[tturt]

In your search for Him, as a believer, you can be sure that Yahweh will deliver you from every evil work and preserve you unto His kingdom, He thinks about you more than the grains of sand, only wants what's good for you, He sings over you, and He has a destiny for your life. You are a member of HIS family, you are HIS child.

(II Tim 4:18; Psa 139:17-18; Jer 29:11; Zep 3:17; Psa 17:8; 1 Corinthians 7:20, John 17:20).