I can't marry this non-virgin!!!

[Buck72]

You have to repent IMMEDIATELY. That means to discontinue physical relations with this woman and seek after God's forgiveness and direction. I would strongly forgo any thoughts of marrying this woman and concentrate your attention to caring for your child.

Now, you are in a bind. I am terribly sorry that you have to deal with this, but may I gently (and humbly) refer that God has a way of doing things, and we have a way of doing things...our way always, always, always causes us problems. His way always, always, always causes us blessing. So get busy seeking His direction of how to care for this baby (you are the father) and make certain this woman understands you have no intention to marry her. Stand strong in your faith, but be humble...you did allow yourself to become ensnared in this mess, you want her to see an example of a real Christian that although not perfect, has a perfect Saviour and is being restored to perfection in Him!

God bless you brother.

 

[Coeptis]

this kid is going to need both of you. you both should raise the child. clean up your act. she needs to clean herself up as well. be a man, accept responsibility, and if she was half a woman she'd be there for that kid. she might have had previous sex partners but a snake woman can still save herself if she decides to fly straight. you aren't a virgin anymore and you had sex with this woman, so whoever you were saving yourself for...well it's too late now. and this little self righteous notion of "love" you are talking about isn't going to get you anywhere. "love" to you and to her is just some selfish need you have in your head like a little crybaby. you aren't a man yet son... and she isn't a woman yet either... grow up, raise the kid, and if the woman leaves you then let her dry up with all the other snakes.

 

[desper84unity]

Now that God has reminded about what his Grace is I would like to add a comment to my original post.

I still strongly believe you must get ready for a long haul of working hard and supporting that child of yours.

However, God reminded me that his Grace is not just forgiveness once you repent, but God also offers undeserved favor, despite seriousness of the sins you have committed.

In other words I know God will richly bless you with a good LIFE once you commit to the long haul with HIM and work with HIM in the future (which means OBEY him from now on).

God still has hopes and dreams for you, but he will continue to chastise you when you need it.

Now, don't run away from your responsibility to support that child at least financially and stay focused on Jesus, and God will be your loving Father, and Brother.

--desp

 

[Steveseo]

Thanks all for your replies.

It seems that my question of what to do has now been answered in many different ways.

Most of the replies have 3 main things in common:
* I should accept my responsibility and be a good father to this child. Meaning giving financial and other support, and loving and caring for my son (it's a boy), and also becoming a good example for him.
* I don't have to marry the child's mother, but I should cooperate with her in parenting, for the child's sake.
* I should repent for my mistakes immediately, and ensure that it doesn't happen again.

All of these I totally agree with, and I previously suspected that that was the best thing to do too.

Thanks for all your help.

 

[JillLars]

Hey Steve, I will keep you in my prayers, I hope that everything works out for you!

 

[Hopeful]

lol, so the pregnancy was your wake up call? i don't think thats repentance, sounds more like regret, if she didnt get pregnant, you would still be having sex with her? anyway i don't really know what to tell you, think about the consequnces before carrying out the action, anyway God Bless, i hope you have a beautiful child

 

[Steveseo]

It would be nice to see some posts from guys who HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN IN THE SAME SITUATION too!

It is all good and fun to unload your arsenal of criticism at someone, when you haven't actually been in the situation yourself. (I can predict the follow-ups to this already - "you shouldn't have got into this situation" or "I have been in a situation where I was tempted, but I didn't let myself get into it")

If you're a guy and have been, or is, in the same situation as me, or know someone who was in the same situation as me, then I would love to hear all about it.

I actually know 2 guys about my age, who have been in this same situation. Neither of them are Christians.

The first guy refused to even see his child, and still doesn't see him or the mother (even though the son is 5 years old), he only pays the minimum child support that the government forces him to pay. He was completely devestated when it happened to him, and he nearly took his own life. Luckily he didn't. He has moved on and now has a different partner, whom he married, and had 2 more children. He loves his wife and 2 new kids very much, and seems pretty happy. I don't think I could be happy in that situation though - not even knowing your own offspring, while constantly being reminded about him when you look at your bank statement and tax return.

The second guy sees his child every second weekend. He was also devestated when he got the mother pregnant, and got into really bad drinking problems when he found out, and also questioned the reasons for continuing living his life. Shortly after the child was born, he got back with the mother for a while. They were together for about 18 months and even got engaged, but then broke-up shortly thereafter.

It would be nice to hear any words from Christians (because even Christians are sinners) who have been in the same situation as myself, and to hear what they did about it, and to hear what the outcomes were.

Afterall, I started this thread because I was seeking advice and help about what to do in my situation. I did not start this thread to get abused. I KNOW THAT WHAT I DID WAS WRONG!! I KNOW THAT I SHOULDNT HAVE GOT INTO MY SITUATION IN THE FIRST PLACE!!! NOW THAT I AM IN THIS SITUATION, abusing, criticising and insulting me, does not help, I'm sorry. What does help is advice and positive thoughts about what is the best thing for me to do right NOW, because I am in this situation, and I cannot go back in time and change it, my flux-capacitor don't work.

Thankyou very much to those of you who have offered encouragement and advice, it has been very helpful.

 

[JillLars]

Personally I don't know how people can be devestated when the person they are sleeping with gets pregnant, you have to know its a possibility. I guess we can be victims of our own ignorance but I would have figured that sex = babies was common sense to most people.

 

[JillLars]

I think you know what to do steve, you know in your heart what is right regardless of what others say. No one means to criticize you but you're OP was quite shocking, and most people don't understand you're sentiments. I myself have been in a situation where an unexpected baby was a possibility, I wasn't pregnant, but I do understand the anxiety that can sometimes go along with it.

 

[wvmtnkid]

Steveseo, I would agree that your OP came off as shocking. You seemed to think that you had no responsiblity in what happened to you. I think that is what most people took offense to. You even said yourself that you wished this child dead. How did you expect us to react? You had sex out of marriage, you are now paying the consequences, and you expected us to feel sorry for you. Did this woman hold you down and rape you for six months? If the answer is no, then you were a willing participant and are as at much fault as she was.

Now, having said that, you say you are repentant. Good. I can't judge your heart, only God can. The only advice I can give is to make the best out of this situation. Life doesn't always turn out the way we hope it will. Perhaps God has other plans for you. He can take the bad and the mistakes that we made and turn them into good. It's sorta his specialty. Maybe the thing to do is to just surrender it all to Him and let Him lead you now. You have a child that needs a father. He/she needs to become your priority, not finding a virgin to marry. Perhaps God will provide you a good woman to marry someday, maybe not. Who knows, but taking care of your child needs to be your top priorty now. And perhaps treating it's mother with some respect, regardless of how you feel about her, would be a good thing to do as well. You cared enough about her to have sex with her. She deserves respect because she is your child's mother. Getting along with her will make this relatioship easier down the road, especially if you do not marry her. This woman will always be apart of your life now because you share a child.

This may not be your dream life, but due to the choices you have made, it has become your reality. The only thing to do now is to make the best of it. You can mope around and be miserable, or you can embrace it, live up to your responsibilities, and ask the Lord to help you through it. And I just bet, He will bless you if you come to Him with a willing and repentent heart. Another one of His specialites.

 

[Vance]

The problem, Steve, is that your attitude about it stinks! Your OP was self-pitying, hypocritical, insulting and downright disgusting for must of us reading it.

And that is being nice.

It was clear from reading that post that you are a selfish, self-righteous hypocrite who is simply trying to justify your own personal desires. To claim that there is some issue with her being a virgin when you marry her when your own life choices were what they were was a bit repulsive, and I won't even discuss your desire that your unborn child would die.

This may sound harsh, and it is. But you ask if any have been in this situation before? Although I wish this icon wasn't smiling.

When I found out that my girlfriend at the time was pregnant, I was faced with exactly the same scenario. Let's just say my reaction was a bit different. I offered to marry her and make her and the child as happy as I possibly could. As it turns out, she was not pregnant after all, the little pink + had been mistaken.

 

[YouthPastor]

It would be nice to see some posts from guys who HAVE ACTUALLY BEEN IN THE SAME SITUATION too!

If you're a guy and have been, or is, in the same situation as me, or know someone who was in the same situation as me, then I would love to hear all about it.

Steve - While this may be nice - i don't think here from guys in the same situation is really needed. When you have a baby out of wedlock - it really does not matter what other guys in the same situation would do - what matters is what is the right thing to do?

Which you answered - (here is your post)
Thanks all for your replies.

It seems that my question of what to do has now been answered in many different ways.

Most of the replies have 3 main things in common:
1 - * I should accept my responsibility and be a good father to this child. Meaning giving financial and other support, and loving and caring for my son (it's a boy), and also becoming a good example for him.
2 - * I don't have to marry the child's mother, but I should cooperate with her in parenting, for the child's sake.
3 - * I should repent for my mistakes immediately, and ensure that it doesn't happen again.

All of these I totally agree with, and I previously suspected that that was the best thing to do too.

Thanks for all your help.

--------------
Those things are exactly what you need to do - regardless of what others in your situation are doing.

#1 is especially important - for the child. Do as much as you can with him. Keep a GOOD relationship with his mom too!!!! Remember - you need to do what is best for YOUR son. Having you and his mom fighting or hating each other - is not beneficial to him.

Steve - you know what to do - Do it! I am not bashing!

 

[Stanfi]

Steve,

I am not sure exactly what you are wanting here. There is no 'magical' answer or a "get out of jail free card". You sinned. You used this woman to supply a fleshy desire. Unwanted pregnancy and disease are the risks of pre-marital sex. They even teach that in secular schools. I'm sure you knew about this, so you were willing to take the risks. From your comments you had no genunine care for this woman, or obviously did not intend on spending your life with her. She was just a role in the hay and that was it. You used her to satisfy your flesh.

Now, God will forgive you of your sins. However, you still have to deal with the consequences of it. Look at it this way. A drunk who has a bad liver, when he gets saved, does he get a new liver? No, he still has to deal with the consequenes of his sin, and so do you. You have the responsiblity of providing for and taking care of this child, as long a you live. You have created a soul that will face eternity some day, and you have to prepare him and help to him to face life and eternity.

Why do you think God gives us laws. He is just protecting us from ourselves. He loves us, and tries to set boundries so we wound hurt ourselves. When we go out of God's boundries is when we have problems.

Anyway, I have a friend who got his girlfriend pregnant in college, they got married. Are still happily married (10 years) with 3 children. He was called to be a minister. Just because this happened does not mean tht God cannot or will not use you in life. Look at David, how he sinned with Bathsheba. God took his child because of the sin, but the Bible says that David was a man of God's own heart.

Take responsiblitly for your actions, and ask God to help you.

 

[TCapp]

The best thing you can do for your child is to love his mother, through actions if not necessarily feelings.

 

[Vollkommen Warrior]

Folks we live in a society that SCREAMS SEX, SEX, SEX!!!! Let me repeat. Folks we live in a society that SCREAMS SEX, SEX, SEX!!!! Everywhere we go, SEX in the shopping malls, clothing or lack of, TV, movies, radio, EVERYWHERE!!! There is a lot of pressure on people in general in this direction. It's not hard for anyone with raging hormones to fall prey. Any ideas on what to do about this?

My wife and I were both virgins before we were together and this is how we wanted it. The difference is the mind-set. I think that's where he was coming from. I see most people with former sex partners, at least in our circles, getting divorced now. Not sure exactly why, maybe there's a tie in.

On the 18yrs comment. I disagree. You support that child for at least 18 is my take.

 

[Steveseo]

Hey Vance,

I don't know what OP stands for, sorry.

I know that a lot of what I've said really touches some nerves in your own life. I'm sincerely sorry for that.

The worldly media basically tells us males, that it is good to be sexually active when you are young, and to have sex with many different beautiful women, but the wordly media also tells us that you should then go and marry a virgin. This is pretty crazy, because we know that this is just not possible, because there's only as many women as there are men, and if most of them have been screwing around while young, then there aint going to be many virgins left for marriage! I guess the media sends us all sorts of ridiculous and unrealistic messages, I guess that's why we shouldnt listen to the media for advice, we should listen to the bible.

I guess in your case you have put yourself last, and put your partner and everyone else first, which I guess is the Christian and most selfless thing to do, and I only wish that I was also selfless and faithful enough to do similarly. God bless you. I hope everything is going well in your marriage and everything continues to go well.

I don't think there's a commandment which says "thal shalt marry a virgin". On the contrary, marrying a virgin, when there aren't enough of them to go around, may even be selfish and greedy???? I don't know. I don't want to point the finger at anyone. It's very difficult for me to say anything in here without getting blasted about it. Maybe I should just keep my mouth shut. Maybe that's why I'm a pretty quiet guy in real life.

Once again Vance, I apologise if anything that I've said has provoked any doubt at all about your marriage. I wish you all the best in your marriage.

 

[ceres]

OP is opening post

 

[stray bullet]

Hey steve, just though I'd say I hope you don't all think we are gaining up on you to attack you.

All of us really do care about you and especially your child, if I or any came off rude, I hope you don't think it's because we have something against you. If we didn't like you, we would have just ignored you. When you ask for advice here, you get the straight talk. I'd hope no one here would just tell you want you'd want to read just to make you feel better, but tell you what the right thing to do is. In the end, it's going to be what's best for you and others around you.

I really do hope everything comes out well for you and that you accept the responsibility. No one wants to cause a car crash either, but that's the risk you take when driving and paying for your accident is part of the responsibility. You don't pass on the cost to someone innocent just because you didn't mean to cause it.

Please, be a good dad. The reward will be greater than you ever know... and will also directly depend on what you put in. Good luck.

 

[mina]

Considering she has had many sex partners before you, I'd say that getting her pregant is the least of your worries. You should go get checked out for STDs. There is a lot of nasty stuff out there.

 

[IvoryRain]

Hi,

I'm a 24-yr old male. Until about 18 months ago I was (basically) a virgin, and hadn't really had a girlfriend before.

Anyhow, about 17 months ago I started going out with this girl who was an old friend of mine. She is now 27 years old. When we first started going out, she was definitely not a virgin, and had had several sexual partners before me.

Anyhow, we started having sex a bit(which I strongly regret, and can't believe how stupid I was!). We had sex regularly for 6 months (which I really wanted to stop, and get out of the relationship!). I definitely did not want any permanent commitment to her at all. Then she fell pregnant!!

I was absolutely devestated when I found out that she was pregnant, and I still am. I always pictured my wife and/or the mother of my first child to be a virgin when we first started going out, and that we had both saved ourselves for each other. It hasn't turned out like this at all!!!

She doesn't even care that she wasn't a virgin, and it nearly seems like she's proud that she's had so many sex partners before!!! I, on the other hand, am completely disgusted and devestated!! Will I ever be able to marry that nice virgin who I had always pictured to be my wife?

Some "Christians" tell me that because I had sex with her, I MUST marry her. But I CANNOT bring myself to do that!!!! I just physically and emotionally cannot do it!!! Every feeling and instinct in my whole body says that it's wrong to marry her!!! I cannot accept that that nice virgin who I'd always dreamt about and hoped for, and suffered and worked hard for for all of those years doesn't even exist, and that the girl who rejected me all those years - the one whose virginity went to some other guy who couldn't give a care about her many years ago - has to be my wife!! I cannot let that happen!!!

She doesn't even seem interested in becoming a born-again virgin, meaning repenting for her past sins of fornication, and declaring herself as a born-again virgin. It's nearly as if she seems proud that she's had so many sex partners. She said she's not going to regret that. I, on the other hand, am very interested in becoming a born-again virgin. I strongly repent for my sins of fornication, and I have repeatedly asked the good lord for forgiveness for these terrible sins, and to spare me from the consequences of them.

The child is due to be born any day now. I have been strongly hoping and wishing throughout the pregnancy that the child miscarriages, is stillborn, or that she cheated on me and I'm not the real father, so that I don't have to stay with her. I hope the good lord forgives me for wishing these things!!

Can anyone throw me some advice here on what I should do? Can anyone shed some light?

Just think, you are no longer a virgin and someday someone will look at you in the same light you look at her.

I would stay away from her and the child, but pay the support the child deserves. With your saying you have wanted the child dead I'd hate for it to fall into your potentially dangerous hands.