- Apr 25, 2019
- 208
- 102
- 23
- Country
- United States
- Gender
- Male
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- Single
My fears and doubts are all valid. It seems I love the world more than serving God. I don't even feel any love for God. Right now, video games are the central thing in my life it looks like. I can't do this. After asking over and over for a new heart, new desires, etc., nothing has changed. I've cried our for God to help me and save me and change me but nothing's happened. I can't seem to love and serve God more than the world. I can't. I don't know why. I just keep getting bored. I can't stand being bored. I don't know what to do. This is ridiculous. What is wrong with me? Why does it seem like God is ignoring me? Why hasn't He changed me? Why do I still love the things of the world? Why do I still like to sin? Why don't I seem broken enough over them? Why can't my heart be made right? Does this mean I'm not saved? That I'm not elect? Has my calling out to God all been in vain? God says He won't cast out anyone who comes to Him, but I feel cast out, or at least ignored. Have I not come to Him properly? On top of this, I've completely lost my fear of hell to where it feels like it doesn't even matter. I'm tempted to say whatever and give up. I almost feel like I want to be reprobate or not elect because then nothing would matter; none of my serving God or anything would do anything, so I wouldn't have to bother. What is wrong with me? Why can't I fear hell? Why is this happening to me? I feel like I'm going insane. I can't find joy or happiness in serving the Lord. Everything I've been through, all of that change I saw all those months ago, that all but ceased to exist now, it was all fake. Not real. Nothing's real. How can I ever have assurance? Why do I feel like I don't even care? Why does it feel like I just want to fall away and be done with it? Why can I not feel dread about hell? Why is this happening to me? Why has God abandoned me after I've cried out to Him over and over? Why? I can't do this anymore. It really feels like God doesn't want me. Why hasn't He changed my heart yet? Why hasn't He saved me yet? I know I don't deserve it, but I still want it (do I really? I don't even know anymore), and I've called out to Him over and over again. Why am I still like this? Is it because I don't want to change? Why doesn't God change that too? Why is this happening to me? What's the use in trying anymore if nothing good will come of it? And why can't I be afraid of my own damnation? Why? I don't even know why I'm posting this in OCD, since I'm almost completely convinced it's not OCD. Why can't I go back to that moment when I felt close to the Lord, when I would have died for Him, when I would have rather died than keep sinning, rather died than stay in this world? Why can't I go back to where I wept over my sin and begged for forgiveness, when I wanted to go to church and read the Bible, when I wept for joy and felt His peace when I worshipped Him? Now I feel nothing, it's all gone, like none of it mattered. I thought my life was radically changed from that moment on, I was looking forward to living my life for and with Christ. But now there's nothing. Why? Why has this happened? And how can I be assured if/when it does come? How will I know the feelings and desires and whatnot won't just go away again? How can I ever be assured? And why can't I feel any sort of dread over hell and eternal damnation? Why? Why has that gone too? At least that motivated me. Now I feel I could just walk away without a second thought because I wouldn't have any fear of the consequences. I've prayed for a crippling fear of hell and the punishment for my sin, but nothing has come of it. Am I cursed? Am I forsaken? What does this mean? And why?