- Jan 5, 2020
- 4
- 6
- 36
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Protestant
- Marital Status
- Married
Six years ago God miraculously saved me. He had worked on me for years and His Spirit continually reigned me in. One night in the quietness of my own home, alone, the Spirit called me and I gave my life to Christ. I cannot explain how it is that He got me to that point. There was no severe (humbling) life circumstances or anything in particular that was crushing me when this happened. I was comfortable in my sin. That said, my life immediately changed after that night. I was freed from several addictions instantaneously and was on fire for God. I studied His word and He was always in my thoughts. I experienced the power of the Holy Spirit and know what it is like to have Him work through you and not have to employ will power. My life was at peace and I had so much Joy. I saw great spiritual growth over the course of about a year and a half.
One Sunday, my pastor approached me and asked if I would be willing to give a gospel presentation the following week before service. It was an honor to be asked but it hit one of my deepest fears. For me, to stand in front of people and speak is terrifying and distressing to an abnormal degree. I spent that following week writing, asking for wisdom, and praying for the strength to carry this out. However, days before that Sunday I called my Pastor and said I was unable to do as he asked. To say this crushed me is an understatement. My Lord Hung on a cross for me and I could not even stand in front of fellow believers and proclaim the same saving gospel that brought me salvation? This moment in time was a clear turning point in my life. Over the following months I spiraled into severe depression and began developing a binge eating disorder. I put on over 50 pounds over the year following this event which brought on significant shame and guilt on top of the depression I was in. Gluttony is just a sin you can't hide. Its on display for all to see.
Over the course of many years which lead up to this present day, I have continually regressed to a far worse state than when I was an unbeliever. I have fallen back into all my old pet sins but now in addition have a binge eating disorder, extreme depression, and insomnia. Even worse, I now have a wife and kids and the thought that my depression is/will affect them is unbearable. The idea that my poor example of the Christian walk could disgruntle them against God keeps me from sleeping. I have had periods of repentance over the years where I seem to be doing good again but in my heart I have held this back and I always end up sliding back. Each round of repentance last less time than the previous and at this point I am just spinning tires. In an effort to get the eating disorder under control I have looked at twelve step programs for Christians. As much as I want to get better, I know what this program requires of me...that I surrender and give complete control over to God. But I can't do it. Every time I ask God what I need to do to repent I hear something in my head say "go give the gospel" and am immediately defeated. This thing has become the cross I am unable to carry and I have hit such a low I am afraid this will kill me sometime in the near future. My life has become so unbearable and yet I cannot let this go. Even if I could, I no longer am qualified to carry out such a task. I have so much sin in my life and the idea of me speaking the gospel to other would be hypocrisy in its purest form. Please, if anyone has words that may help I am listening.
One Sunday, my pastor approached me and asked if I would be willing to give a gospel presentation the following week before service. It was an honor to be asked but it hit one of my deepest fears. For me, to stand in front of people and speak is terrifying and distressing to an abnormal degree. I spent that following week writing, asking for wisdom, and praying for the strength to carry this out. However, days before that Sunday I called my Pastor and said I was unable to do as he asked. To say this crushed me is an understatement. My Lord Hung on a cross for me and I could not even stand in front of fellow believers and proclaim the same saving gospel that brought me salvation? This moment in time was a clear turning point in my life. Over the following months I spiraled into severe depression and began developing a binge eating disorder. I put on over 50 pounds over the year following this event which brought on significant shame and guilt on top of the depression I was in. Gluttony is just a sin you can't hide. Its on display for all to see.
Over the course of many years which lead up to this present day, I have continually regressed to a far worse state than when I was an unbeliever. I have fallen back into all my old pet sins but now in addition have a binge eating disorder, extreme depression, and insomnia. Even worse, I now have a wife and kids and the thought that my depression is/will affect them is unbearable. The idea that my poor example of the Christian walk could disgruntle them against God keeps me from sleeping. I have had periods of repentance over the years where I seem to be doing good again but in my heart I have held this back and I always end up sliding back. Each round of repentance last less time than the previous and at this point I am just spinning tires. In an effort to get the eating disorder under control I have looked at twelve step programs for Christians. As much as I want to get better, I know what this program requires of me...that I surrender and give complete control over to God. But I can't do it. Every time I ask God what I need to do to repent I hear something in my head say "go give the gospel" and am immediately defeated. This thing has become the cross I am unable to carry and I have hit such a low I am afraid this will kill me sometime in the near future. My life has become so unbearable and yet I cannot let this go. Even if I could, I no longer am qualified to carry out such a task. I have so much sin in my life and the idea of me speaking the gospel to other would be hypocrisy in its purest form. Please, if anyone has words that may help I am listening.