I Am Not My Disability

[Barzel]

I started going to the gym earlier this year, and recently met someone there. She went out of her way to say hello to me, which--silly me--I thought was nice. I should have been more suspicious. Long story short, I have a disability I cannot hide from others. After a few days of briefly acknowledging one another at the gym, she and I seemed--I thought--to be "making eyes" at one another, so to speak. I kept wanting to have a longer conversation with her, but the timing never worked out.

A few days ago, I was in the middle of my workout, and she was across the gym in the middle of her own work. She came over to me and asked if there was anything she could pray for. I told her I'd been stressed, and she prayed for me right there. I thought that was a bit odd, but refreshingly bold, so I thanked her. She said something to the effect of, "I know God wants us all well." Before I could say anything else, she went back to her workout and left me to mine. I called my mentor at that point, who advised me to make time to talk with her for a few minutes.

This morning, I arrived early. I sat on a bench in the gym and waited for her. When she arrived, I said hello, and again expressed my thanks in praying for me. We were about to proceed with our warm-up on the stairclimbers, and I figured we might actually be able to chat a little. Unfortunately, the only stairclimber I can use safely--due to my disability--was being used, so I went back to the bench and waited.

She finished her workout and came over to me to ask why I wasn't working out. I told her "my" stairclimber was being used and I'd have to wait, because of my disability. She again asked if she could pray for me, and mentioned something about college I didn't quite catch due to the noise of the gym. That's when the flags really started to come up for me; she's a faith healer. I told her I'd had several negative experiences with faith healers in the past, but said it would be okay if she prayed for me. I asked her to repeat what she'd said about college, and she didn't exactly repeat it, but she told me she goes to a local charismatic Christian college that I'm well aware teaches prosperity theology.

After she prayed for me, I tried to chat with her, but I see now she wasn't really interested in me. She was interested in my disability. Her answers to my questions were short, vague, friendly enough, but ultimately, she was done with me. The more I think about it, the more it infuriates me to be treated--yet again--like a project. I've been dealing with this garbage for decades. She slow-played me. What I mistook for some kind of flirtatious interest was her just being nervously excited about possibly healing me.

The worst part is, I fight very hard to try to believe I am not my disability. I've lived my life keenly aware of how different I am from others, and how much "less than" I am. I'm weaker, slower, less efficient, less capable of living like a normal person. I struggle with basic things. Because of my disability, my own family had separate linens and soaps and other things because my things and me would have "spoiled" the good linens and soaps and such. Every time a female has expressed interest in me, it's been because she pitied me, or because she though dating the disabled guy would win her brownie points with God or the "empaths" in her social circle. A lot of guys have "befriended" me for similar reasons.

On top of all that, I get faith healers coming up to me, prying into my medical history. I tell them I'm not interested, and they want to play the "I just want to pray for you" card, like I'm the one being offensive. I humor them and let them pray for me, and I'm discarded as a project that didn't work. Sometimes I've been told I just need more faith, or the sin in my life is prohibiting my healing. I've spent decades of my life praying and believing, trying every mantra and formula, reading all the books, begging God that something would work. For years upon years I struggled to accept myself, on top of years of abuse and ridicule from my peers for the sin of being different.

Christianity tells us we're all broken from what was intended, but then charismatic faith healers come along and say, "You're more broken because you're disabled and you don't have faith. Obviously if you had faith you would be healed." And I know the truth. I know that in Jesus' time, people who had faith aplenty still went unhealed. People got sick and died, and they weren't resurrected. Paul himself suffered from an affliction God refused to take away, so that God's power might be perfected in Paul's weakness. I understand the intellectual arguments, but I still fight to believe that I am not wholly defined by "more broken."

I've never been married, and haven't had a girlfriend in nearly twenty years. The few girlfriends I've had, my disability ended up being the main attraction. I've never had a woman take an interest in me because I'm me, which seems to suggest I'm even more broken than "more broken." I should have been suspicious that a woman seemed to take an interest in me at all, but I'd been praying in recent weeks for God to help me be the man I should be for a wife, and to help me find her. It felt nice to think maybe she was an answer to prayer, but no.

I'm done. I still have the same faith I've always had. If God wants to heal me, He knows where to find me, and I know He can do it. He's healed my lesser afflictions before, and done great and miraculous things in my life. But I am done ever thinking I could have a wife or a family of my own. God is more capable and more likely to heal me than it seems any woman is capable or likely to see me as more than my disability.

I've been told before I have a chip on my shoulder, and I won't dispute it. There are many times I have put that chip down and extended an olive branch to the charismatic set, but more and more they've managed to justify that chip in their inability to see a person, rather than a broken project.

 

[bèlla]

I’m sorry you‘ve had experiences that make you feel preyed upon. It may be helpful to be more forthcoming in the future to ascertain their interest without making assumptions. If they’re not to your liking you can head them off and prevent further upset.

~bella

 

[Richard T]

We all make mistakes on judging the interest of the opposite sex. But what are the interests of those who ask others if they can pray for us? I suppose some are just testing their faith, that they are taught and want to believe that God can heal anyone, anywhere. Most I think are innocent though perhaps are overzealous at times. In general we all are probably are too timid when it comes to approaching poeple for public prayer. Those that encourage such prayer should include that such prayer is not just focused on healing but on the overall well-being of the person being paryed for. I will try and offer some perspective from charismatics who do pray for the sick.

I once witnessed to three Muslim boys around 16 or so in a large Euro train station. As the conversation was going nowhere, I become emboldened as I looked at the arm cast of one of the boys. I told him that Jesus could heal him and would he let me pray. I am sure they saw the seriousness of my beliefs now and yes I was going all out. In retrospect, beyond my faith and giftings. Fortunately, if this was the case, a police officer came over and told us to disburse. This of course frustrated me but as I relayed this story later to a well-known Charismatic teacher, he said it just was not the time yet. Some years later, I got hold of some Dave Roberson teachings. As he was known for having some creative miracles in his ministry and suggests that those who want to move in healings and miracles have to contend for it. Desire enrnestly the spiritual gifts to Dave must be met with a willingness to pray and fast and gain an understanding of God's word on such things. Admittedly, I think a few ministers in history have a special gift. T.L. Osborn a prominent mass healing evangelist (circa 1950s and beyond) suggests that he thought any believer could heal. He suggests that he just prayed in faith. That as believers "We will lay hands on the sick and they will recover."

So while I can understand that you may not like the word of faith doctrine, which may for some include an extreme prosperity message, I do hope you can understand though that most who want to pray mean no harm. I apologize for your bad experiences. I can say too that I have been a healing line maybe 40 times and only twice could I notice a tangible physical difference. (I would maintain that many recieve healings through personal prayer and no healing line or laying on the hands is often required. I still would get in those lines because even though I may not have recieved the exact healing I was searching for, inner healings, or other positive things likely did happen. Still, in the misses there often is a hope, you keep the right confession, you may even praise God for the healing, you try to be patient but if failure occurs, at some point a letdown happens. Actually believing for an instant healing or miracle seems easier because you know right away. Some might condemn a person's faith. but Jesus though could heal few because he found such little faith is one example. So at least in some cases, it could be a faith problem. One of the times I recieved a healing, the evangelist called out one of my exact needs and looked right at me. Those who minister should not be condescending or condemning to anyone that carries a sickness or disability. There are many reasons why someone may not be healed, especially instantly. To my knowledge, there are certain miracles too that no one, even Jesus ever performed. Like growing an entire leg. Very few too have had anyone rise from the dead since Jesus. Still, there is nothing impossible with God. Miracles though are typically associated with evangelism, they are signs and wonders created to draw locals to salvation.

I am mixed about whether to suggest that like me, the xth time for healing could result in a healing. Though there is debate on what the thorn of the flesh was, Paul inquired three times. At that point he had an understanding. I always wondered why not inquire even more or ask God if there was another way he could stay humble?

Opposite of Paul to me seems to be Naaman, an OT believer who resisted doing what it took to be healed. Fortunately, his servant got him to do what the prophet said, dip in the river seven times.

You have the spirit of God though and I trust that you can receive what God has shown. It seems perfectly reasonable that you may not want to pray with someone for your disability. I just lay these things out to help you understand word of faith Christians and healing more, not to harm or cause more distress. God bless you!

 

[bèlla]

In light of the previous response I’m going to share my experiences. I had two incurable diseases and a physical malady that were healed by the Lord. No one prayed for me or laid hands and I’d never permit the latter because of spiritual transfer. I asked for healing and stood against the infirmities. It wasn’t done everyday or weekly for that matter but in time the conditions were gone.

I don’t believe everyone will be healed nor do I think it’s wrong to ask. Some situations are permitted for the Lord’s glory or beyond our comprehension. I don’t know why I was healed but suspect it was related to my calling and its demands. But that isn’t the only area in my life where He‘s stretched my faith or things move slower than I’d prefer. I’ve learned to embrace my seasons with contentment. Time has proven the wisdom of delay and I rarely regret it in the long run.

In respect to prosperity teachings, no amount of confession or sowing seeds will make you rich. You can’t pray your way to wealth and there’s comparable elements involved related to our gifts and talents and connections to some degree. The secret sauce to wealth is solving problems. You find a problem you can solve and sell the solution. There’s no mystery. And you have to be disciplined and keep working at it before the spoils arrive. The majority aren’t an overnight success but they kept at it.

As for connections, you don’t have to be born in the right situations or rub shoulders with important people. Wealth is built through investment. Whether its a course, event, or membership. They’re opportunities to expand your knowledge and meet others. You won’t find what you need for free or on YouTube. There’s levels of disclosure and meaty things carry a price. The more you invest in yourself and what you’re pursuing the more connections you’ll make.

I’m not diminishing the importance of bringing the Lord into our efforts or seeking favor for our work. But there has to be a work. It won’t fall into your lap and you’re unlikely to receive a gift or funding. The majority build it the hard way one brick at a time.

~bella

 

[DragonFox91]

Stay away from the Charismatics. They think the Holy Spirit should give them a power unique from the world to perform miracles. They want to bend it like a spoon to their will. They don't understand the Soverignty of God. "If you say this prayer X amount of times Y number of days 'abra kadabra.'" Well, what happens when a miracle they want doesn't work? Well, I hear sometimes they blame the person they wanted to work the miracle on.
One of the most important sections in the Bible about physical disability is the one where a man was born blind. The people are debating the cause of it, they don't think it's right, maybe it's him, maybe it's his parent's. He's probably wondering those same things. They may be wondering b/c they want to avoid 'duplicates'.
But Jesus tells them so that it's his power might be seen.
I've found when I've discussed this w/ the disabled, they know exactly what Jesus is talking about: it's working for the glory of God, past, present, & future. I'll tell you right now: A lot of the non-disabled will fight you tooth and nail on this. They see it as an 'accident' & 'problem.' Jesus says no, he's Lord over it.

One of the things we frequently discuss in church is the Cross levels the playing field so all are equally in need. We discussed, & I want to be careful how I say this, the person w/ a physical disability wears the need on the outside whereas a mainstream corporate boss, it's not necessarily so visible.

In regards to some of your thoughts on girls, something used to rub me the wrong way when, like, you'd see something in the news about like, the All American girl taking someone w/ Down Syndrome to Homecoming & them being named Homecoming King & Queen, & everyone is so happy. I thought like how you feel, she's just doing it to get points. As I've gotten a bit older, I realize, you know, sometimes the person really does just care & have a soft spot, like a brother w/ Down Syndrome at home maybe taught her a bit different, like you don't know people's backgrounds. Or maybe she'll go on to teach people w/ Downs. Remember what we were discussing, eh? He's working all for good.

I'm sorry you think the way you are is affecting your ability to spark a girl's attention. I do not have an easy solution for your dream of being married. I wish I could tell you 'say this prayer & follow this list & it'll be done' but that is wrong, the Bible does not teach that. For all your 'chip on your shoulder' you seem very smart &, honestly to me, very level-headed, just a bit frustrated. Maybe someday one will come along. Continue to go to the gym & exercise b/c it's good for the body & we're not just meant to sit around. Continue in your growth of Bible knowledge I can tell you do, there is much cause for rejoicing in that.

 

[NBB]

Remember the bible teaches, believers would pray for others to heal. And also cast out demons.
If there is abusive people, or that want to 'make merchandise of you' is not the gospel fault or God's or even the other sincere christians that would like to pray for others.

 

[NBB]

Stay away from the Charismatics. They think the Holy Spirit should give them a power unique from the world to perform miracles. They want to bend it like a spoon to their will. They don't understand the Soverignty of God. "If you say this prayer X amount of times Y number of days 'abra kadabra.'" Well, what happens when a miracle they want doesn't work? Well, I hear sometimes they blame the person they wanted to work the miracle on.
One of the most important sections in the Bible about physical disability is the one where a man was born blind. The people are debating the cause of it, they don't think it's right, maybe it's him, maybe it's his parent's. He's probably wondering those same things. They may be wondering b/c they want to avoid 'duplicates'.
But Jesus tells them so that it's his power might be seen.
I've found when I've discussed this w/ the disabled, they know exactly what Jesus is talking about: it's working for the glory of God, past, present, & future. I'll tell you right now: A lot of the non-disabled will fight you tooth and nail on this. They see it as an 'accident' & 'problem.' Jesus says no, he's Lord over it.

One of the things we frequently discuss in church is the Cross levels the playing field so all are equally in need. We discussed, & I want to be careful how I say this, the person w/ a physical disability wears the need on the outside whereas a mainstream corporate boss, it's not necessarily so visible.

In regards to some of your thoughts on girls, something used to rub me the wrong way when, like, you'd see something in the news about like, the All American girl taking someone w/ Down Syndrome to Homecoming & them being named Homecoming King & Queen, & everyone is so happy. I thought like how you feel, she's just doing it to get points. As I've gotten a bit older, I realize, you know, sometimes the person really does just care & have a soft spot, like a brother w/ Down Syndrome at home maybe taught her a bit different, like you don't know people's backgrounds. Or maybe she'll go on to teach people w/ Downs. Remember what we were discussing, eh? He's working all for good.

I'm sorry you think the way you are is affecting your ability to spark a girl's attention. I do not have an easy solution for your dream of being married. I wish I could tell you 'say this prayer & follow this list & it'll be done' but that is wrong, the Bible does not teach that. For all your 'chip on your shoulder' you seem very smart &, honestly to me, very level-headed, just a bit frustrated. Maybe someday one will come along. Continue to go to the gym & exercise b/c it's good for the body & we're not just meant to sit around. Continue in your growth of Bible knowledge I can tell you do, there is much cause for rejoicing in that.

And the verse 'this signs would follow those who believe, in the name of Jesus, they will cast out devils, they will pray for the sick and they will heal'??
One of the most harmful things i have seen in christians, is the perception that anyone who claims they experienced miracles, or prayed for others and something happened, needs to be something fishy or worse.

 

[bèlla]

Stay away from the Charismatics. They think the Holy Spirit should give them a power unique from the world to perform miracles. They want to bend it like a spoon to their will. They don't understand the Soverignty of God. "If you say this prayer X amount of times Y number of days 'abra kadabra.'" Well, what happens when a miracle they want doesn't work? Well, I hear sometimes they blame the person they wanted to work the miracle on.

I think you should rephrase this. No denomination is free of error or misinterpretation. While you find a different approach more appealing that doesn’t mean the other is wrong. One of the benefits of learning about different traditions is discovering new ways to worship, pray, fellowship, etc.

I used to pray the liturgy of hours and do lectio divina. While I discovered them through a protestant author the practices have their root in catholicism. I learned a lot about spiritual warfare from pentecostals and Derek Prince. He taught me about decrees and African ministers expanded it dramatically. I learned how to follow the biblical calendar and honor shabbat from judaism.

And in my experience most christians don’t pray enough. That’s why they have more hardships and difficulty getting breakthroughs. Sometimes we have to toil in the spirit and wrestle with things in prayer. That’s a principle you’re more likely to encounter in charismatic or pentecostal teachings.

~bella

 

[JAM2b]

I have also experienced the pain of being a project rather than seriously viewed as a friend, girlfriend, church member.

It has sometimes been because of my health and disabilities, but it has also been because I'm a divorced mom and sometimes because I'm an abuse survivor.

It's terrible when people don't value you as a person and what you can bring to the table, and only see you for your disability, illness, or experiences.

Some will try to use you for their own goals and to benefit from feeling good or impressing others by their association with you or activities surrounding you. When you don't fall in line with their goals, they blame you, accuse you, criticize you.

They don't view you as a valid option for a genuine relationship or participation. It is so hard to be taken seriously at church. If they can't help me or fix me, they don't want me.

And it is harassment when they push their goals, agenda, and "healing" prayer on you. I would go so far as to say it is spiritual abuse to pressure someone to submit to that and then criticize them when it doesn't work, blame them for their own affliction, and accuse them of lacking faith or having sin or not being ready. If a person isn't asking for help or understanding about faith and healing, it is wrong to push that on them because believe me, we have asked the questions, we have said the prayers, we have confessed sins, we have waited in faith. There is nothing else. We have been through it all. There is a good chance other faith healers have already been through all that with them before.

When I was expecting my second child, things weren't going well. I was told if God didn't give healing, it was because I didn't have enough faith. A nurse told me that's not true because if it was based on the amount or kind of faith I have, then healing would be in my power, not God's.

Truth is God doesn't always say yes. Sometimes he says, "no." Sometimes he says "not yet." Sometimes he says, "not that, but this." Sometimes we can know the reasons why but a lot of times we don't. I just trust that God does have a reason and He does love me regardless of how things feel or look.

 

[DragonFox91]

And the verse 'this signs would follow those who believe, in the name of Jesus, they will cast out devils, they will pray for the sick and they will heal'??
One of the most harmful things i have seen in christians, is the perception that anyone who claims they experienced miracles, or prayed for others and something happened, needs to be something fishy or worse.

The Bible is constantly giving warnings not to rush God's work, the point isn't the miracle, watch out for motivations, what happens when the miracle doesn't work, that it's a miracle for a reason, we don't know the when / where / why / how. It's best to stay clear of beliefs that teach people w/ disability are prime for a miracle that'll make the news.

 

[timewerx]

A nurse told me that's not true because if it was based on the amount or kind of faith I have, then healing would be in my power, not God's.

That was my experience too. I received provisions I needed so badly while appearing to have complete lack of faith. Christians who knew me personally and are close to me thinks I'm a VERY negative/pessimistic person, even worse than non-believers or non-religious/Atheists.

I did pray for those provisions but my prayers are very short. One short sentence of only few words each time. They can be emotionally charged but entirely in desperation, not expressed in faith.

I also received some sort of miracle I never prayed for nor asked nor thought that I needed. I don't think I need it or perhaps, the Lord sees that I'm going to need it in the future. I'm simply not seeing it now, I even asked against it.