Husband gets annoyed if we talk

[mariasmith]

He is from German ancestry - Jewish and I am Catholic with Latin ancestry. We have been married for seven years and even though since we started dating I knew he was a colder person than I am, we fell in love and got married.

Recently he decided to start his own company, I am a SAHM, and he is working about 10 hours a day, most of the day from home. He is always on his computer, since 8am as soon as he wakes up, and to 11pm when he goes to sleep. I try to get a positive outlook and think that he is here, working hard and not sitting in a bar drinking beer. But lately a problem has been on the rise, he only talks about his business and his company, and most the time when I try to talk to him he tells me: shhh, I am busy, get out of my room, shut up, keep quiet, I want silence, etc. No matter if it is business hours, Saturday or Sunday while we are with the kids at the park, sometimes he talks but it is mostly just on Saturdays. It hurts me a lot, and I have told him, but he says he is just a cold German man and I can not change who he is.

I do not know what to do. He wont pay for marriage counseling and I am 100% financially dependent on him. I do not think this is a reason for divorce, but I also do not want to spend my life living with a person that does not talk to me.

 

[Luther073082]

Umm I'm of Germany Ancestory, that doesn't mean I'm cold or I ignore my wife.

I presume his business is making money correct?

I would just say that you understand he's working hard with the business and that's occupying a lot of his time but you also need him to be a part of the family and take part in the family so you have to be able to talk to him.

Maybe discuss the issue with a pastor, someone he would listen to.

 

[Lovely Jar]

Some men can leave their wives by falling in love with a business or hobby that preoccupies their attention.

Surprise him one night or afternoon, with a meal. Take it to him at his desk with a lovely little something on the tray. A flower, or two tickets to the theater or something you think he'd like.
Don't say anything, just sit it there and smile and kiss him on the head and leave.
See what he does.

 

[Niffer]

I'm German too. (well, half anyway)

Have you tried asking for a time when he's available to discuss this issue with him?
He's obviously got tunnel vision right now, and when you're starting up your own business, I can understand that, but I do agree that he needs to find some time to "unplug" and be with his family.

You say you have Saturday, well, use that Saturday to tell him you need to have a discussion about this and he can't blame it on his heritage. That's a real cop-out.

Best of luck,
~ Niffer

 

[mina]

Starting up a new business takes a lot of time and energy. It is often extremely stressful and he may be feeling the pressure to have it succeed for him self and his family. Ask him for some time just to spend together where he doesn't talk about work, schedule it, and pray for him. I agree that his heritage has nothing to do with this. I also agree with Lovely jar; do something special for him. Keep doing special things for him even though he may not respond at first. Let him know that you love him.

 

[EarthboundNess]

I'm 50% German and I run my own business too. Getting a business off the ground is really tough and it requires a lot of focus and hard work. I bet that he's just operating on work mode 100% of the time and is having a hard time unplugging from it especially with so much riding on this.

During normal business hours I'd say it's really important to give him that space and not interrupt him. Let him be in his office. Working from home is much more challenging than working outside of the house. It's a lot easier if you treat it like when he's in his office that he's not even in the house. In exchange have him set some real hours where he'll be working and when he'll be available to you. Agree that if he works outside of those hours that unless it's for a special reason (a hard to get client or a outside of hours consultation) he still has to be available to the family. Tell him that you want to make sure he schedules time for the two of you as well.

If you feel like he talks about work too much try to take it like the compliment it is. He trusts you to talk about it and feels comfortable that he's having either enough success that he wants to share it or if he's not that he wants you to be the one to support him through it. If you feel like it's dominating everything then steer the conversation somewhere else or say flat out that you are worried he's getting burned out and you'd like to talk about something else so he has a break from the work mentality. This is where date nights and getting him out of he house become really important.

 

[bbyrd009]

Hopefully, amen. I'm of german descent also, and I can resonate, unfortunately, with the 'cold' part. I don't know your husband, but I am his type; and I can confidently say that if his response to the above suggestion is 'bother,' even subliminally, then he just remains in denial that there is even a problem.

I can vaguely understand the responsibilities that a man in his position, with a family, feels obligated to; and so I won't go into the ramifications of a Christian chasing $, which I personally disagree with; but, as has been noted, this comes at the cost of family. I think it is up to you to state plainly that your husband is denying family responsibility, and he might very well end up with a successful business, and visitation rights.

Have no fear that you are financially dependent upon him; you are entitled to half of the kingdom, by most courts' reckoning, and you usually, as the mom with kids, end up with considerably more--so don't think you have no cards to play here. You might mention this, or not--and offer to assume some of the business burden, if that is appropriate; and if not, then that opens up a conversation about his control issues, which if he is anything like me, he's got! You're in my prayers.

 

[EarthboundNess]

Have no fear that you are financially dependent upon him; you are entitled to half of the kingdom, by most courts' reckoning, and you usually, as the mom with kids, end up with considerably more--so don't think you have no cards to play here. You might mention this, or not--and offer to assume some of the business burden, if that is appropriate; and if not, then that opens up a conversation about his control issues, which if he is anything like me, he's got! You're in my prayers.

This is a dangerous piece of advice. A wife throwing in a husband's face that she can divorce and get half of everything especially if she has kids is not only probably not true but very rarely the first step to fixing a problem. Scaring somebody with the threat of divorce and taking half of everything is contrary to what we should be doing as supportive spouses and it takes very lightly as a bit of leverage something that we should take the most seriously. Asking for a part of the business before or after the threat of a divorce and getting half of anything seems suspicious and money grubbing not supportive.

This is a marriage and we shouldn't be using divorce as a card to play to get your spouse to do something you want them to do. If they call your bluff and tell you to go and he's glad to divorce then what? A divorce she didn't want but asked for and he took her up on it.

When I divorced my ex-wife also thought that she was entitled to half of everything. She didn't get anything close to that. She got half of my 401k and 30% of my paycheck for child support. The apartment and her car but she pays for them herself. I insure the kids. She found out the hard way she'd have to work or go on state assistance and that divorce didn't mean she got what she was accustomed to before just with me somewhere else. My wife when she divorced her husband got the car and he paid for her cell phone and a storage unit for her things for 6 months. That was all. Divorce is a lifestyle change for sure not a promise of 50% of everything.

 

[Inkachu]

Maria, I feel your frustration. I've dealt with similar issues, though not to the extent you have. My husband was a single guy who didn't have to focus on anyone or anything but himself for 40+ years. It's been (and continues to be) a challenge to help him understand how to balance his work with his family time. He works from home via computer, he does a lot of special projects for his company (which means he's on the computer after hours and on weekends sometimes), he has side projects he works on (yup, on the computer), and on top of that, he's a tech geek, and computers/tech are one of his biggest passions. So there would be days when he'd literally be on that dang computer for 16 or 18 hours straight, and I'd feel like I didn't even have a husband around. It's been a rocky road for us, trying to figure out how to let him do his job and enjoy his computer stuff, and still remember he's got a wife and kid who come BEFORE all that, and understand that we deserve the best of his time and attention, not whatever leftovers he has at the end of the day when he's exhausted and completely unengaged mentally. What's been crucial for us, is that he genuinely loves his family and wants to put us first, he wants to do what's right, he wants to honor God by how he treats his family. So even though we're still working on our issues, and we haven't gotten it all perfected, he's made great strides in showing me how much I mean to him, and taking time to spend with just me, or with our son. Just seeing the effort he makes means the world to me. If he simply didn't care... I'd be screwed, and probably ready to find a marriage counselor.

Since your husband won't even take the time to talk to you (he just shuts you up or ignores you), and refuses counseling... your options are a bit limited. You could try writing him a letter, that he could read on his own time, without either of you feeling the pressure of a conversation (not ideal, but it could be a start). You could simply write something like "I love you, and I desire more time and interaction with you. How can we best go about making it happen, together?" Try not to put him on the defensive, or make him feel attacked. You can also try to find free counseling on your own, perhaps through a local church or social service agency. If he refuses to go, that doesn't mean you can't! It might help you a lot, to simply have a listening ear. Lastly, PRAY for him. I'm telling you from a lifetime of experience, NOBODY can change a heart like God can.

 

[Hetta]

There are far too many Germans around here!


















j/k

 

[EarthboundNess]

Keep it up I'll invade your post. But I'll give a great post first.

 

[bbyrd009]

This is a marriage and we shouldn't be using divorce as a card to play to get your spouse to do something you want them to do.

Ok, I def agree here; but my point was that she is not powerless, and has a right to a non-absentee husband. Rather than let it deteriorate to that point, kudos for nipping it in the bud, so to speak, and avoiding just this scenario.

Truth be told, the woman is now separated already; and I at least am a firm believer that separate directions now and then can reaffirm a marriage. While some self-examination here might be appropriate, to determine whether or not you are genuinely being neglected, people dont generally complain of this until it becomes...well, what it is, a de facto divorce, anyway.

Some outside interests might be in order for you, perhaps? It's never too late to pursue your own interests; no one has your welfare in mind (apparently) as wholly as you do. And you might be surprised at what this does for your married life! It is possible--and this should be dispassionately examined--that your husband is diving into work out of boredom.

Is there a corner of the house that hasn't changed in years? in an apparent non~sequitur, he asked. This might be--no, is-- an indication that you might be blocked, and needing to do some weeding. Which leads to more wedding.
: )

 

[Verve]

Ok, I def agree here; but my point was that she is not powerless,

I was thinking that she wasn't powerless.
I don't know what this says about me as a part German woman but my first thought was that if it is during business hours...leave him alone.

If it isn't during business hours and you have the chance...though my suggestion is probably not P/C and I promise...if I get asked to remove it I will.
<edit>

Also, you both should check out the book boundaries by cloud and townshend. It might help if you both set solid boundaries up as far as his work schedule.

He needs to make time for your relationship. This means date nights with no kids. This means listening to each other.

 

[bbyrd009]

well put. relationships are hard work, and require 2 parties to be engaged.

 

[EarthboundNess]

Ok, I def agree here; but my point was that she is not powerless, and has a right to a non-absentee husband. Rather than let it deteriorate to that point, kudos for nipping it in the bud, so to speak, and avoiding just this scenario.

I don't think anybody thinks that she's powerless or needs to cope with an absentee husband. Bringing up divorce as a card to play though is a bit underhanded.

Truth be told, the woman is now separated already; and I at least am a firm believer that separate directions now and then can reaffirm a marriage. While some self-examination here might be appropriate, to determine whether or not you are genuinely being neglected, people dont generally complain of this until it becomes...well, what it is, a de facto divorce, anyway.

She needs to let her husband know what's wrong. She's not separated though. Far from it. She's just not getting quality time with him. Most of us would make that complaint at one time or another in their marriage. It is not a separation.

Some outside interests might be in order for you, perhaps? It's never too late to pursue your own interests; no one has your welfare in mind (apparently) as wholly as you do. And you might be surprised at what this does for your married life! It is possible--and this should be dispassionately examined--that your husband is diving into work out of boredom.

If the goal is to bring him together telling her to go do something on her own will help how she feels. It won't bring them together though. It makes it easier for him to be at work.

Is there a corner of the house that hasn't changed in years? in an apparent non~sequitur, he asked. This might be--no, is-- an indication that you might be blocked, and needing to do some weeding. Which leads to more wedding.
: )

Maybe it's me. When my wife changes the house around and she does it every year it doesn't inspire much in me in that department. Most of the time unless she's moved a couch I just don't notice. This seems like a feng-shi thing. I also don't think that if I told my wife that if she's upset she should redecorate or clean that she'd appreciate it. I'd probably be sleeping on our newly arraigned couch.

 

[Inkachu]

While I understand the temptation to go all "get naked around him and try to seduce him for attention" line of thinking (it crossed my mind briefly in this thread, too)... my next thought was "NO. A woman should NOT have to resort to using her sexuality in order to be given the simple, basic dignity and respect of being heard, cared about, and validated by her own flippin' husband".

 

[Hetta]

He is from German ancestry - Jewish and I am Catholic with Latin ancestry. We have been married for seven years and even though since we started dating I knew he was a colder person than I am, we fell in love and got married.

Recently he decided to start his own company, I am a SAHM, and he is working about 10 hours a day, most of the day from home. He is always on his computer, since 8am as soon as he wakes up, and to 11pm when he goes to sleep. I try to get a positive outlook and think that he is here, working hard and not sitting in a bar drinking beer. But lately a problem has been on the rise, he only talks about his business and his company, and most the time when I try to talk to him he tells me: shhh, I am busy, get out of my room, shut up, keep quiet, I want silence, etc. No matter if it is business hours, Saturday or Sunday while we are with the kids at the park, sometimes he talks but it is mostly just on Saturdays. It hurts me a lot, and I have told him, but he says he is just a cold German man and I can not change who he is.

I do not know what to do. He wont pay for marriage counseling and I am 100% financially dependent on him. I do not think this is a reason for divorce, but I also do not want to spend my life living with a person that does not talk to me.

Could you encourage him to develop a daily schedule, such as 8am - breakfast, 10am - snack, 12pm - lunch .. and sit down at lunch with him and make it a real break from work, i.e. perhaps encourage him to go and sit outside with you and eat a snack, then walk a little before he goes back to work? Remind him that he would get a lunch break at work, and that it is good for a person to take a break, so that they can return refreshed.

The "cold German man" thing sounds like an excuse to me.

I don't like that he tells you to shut up. That phrase should not be used between people who love and respect each other. :/

 

[akmom]

Hmm... I don't think waterboarding the husband is an appropriate course of action either! But it might make him take you more seriously...

It is very frustrating to be interrupted. It's tempting to enforce "business hours," but the reality is that any time he is working, it's going to be upsetting to get interrupted. He will lose his train of thought, and the task will ultimately take longer. Also, when his mind is focused on work, it's going to be hard for him to switch gears and debate the matter with you. So his response might come out snappy or rude.

Is it reasonable to expect a little time with your husband? Yes, but it's not a given, either. Think of military wives, who constantly go long periods of time away from their husbands. When I was first married, we worked at a factory for 12-16 hours a day. It was both of us, so we were mutually resigned to not getting time together, but the result was the same. This situation should be avoided when you have kids, but that is not a given either. Historically, successful people have often done so at the expense of their families. Think of Moses and Zippah. It's not necessarily "wrong," though it is hard for the wife.

My advice would be to take advantage of natural breaks from work. No one can be engrossed in work forever. At some point, he is going to want to eat. Make sure that he does not retreat to his office with food, but instead sits down with the family for all three meals. No computer or cell phone in tow. This is a reasonable request. If he has to work through lunch, so be it, but at some point the natural hunger cues will kick in and he'll have to make time for it. The same is true at bed time. Insist on a short movie and popcorn just before bed, or a board game, or some other way to wind down together. If he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow, then chances are he wasn't very alert the last few hours he was working. So you have a case when you say he needs to throw in the towel earlier!

Your other option is to take advantage of his tendency to talk about work. Familiarize yourself with the business. Ask questions. Learn about the business on your own time, when you can. Insist on taking over some tasks. You may find that he is happy to have some help. And during this time, he can interact with the kids. But the real goal here is to understand where he is coming from, because then it will be much less frustrating to both of you.

Part of me suspects that he is not working 100% of the time. It's easy to get side-tracked by reading a few news articles, watching YouTube, or otherwise distracting yourself on a computer. And that's not fair to you.

 

[Inkachu]

The "cold German man" thing sounds like an excuse to me.

I don't like that he tells you to shut up. That phrase should not be used between people who love and respect each other. :/

Yes, the "German" comments are nothing but an excuse. And a poor one at that.

And you're right about the phrase "shut up". My husband would have a black eye if he ever said that to me. And I'd never say it to him, either. That phrase is not allowed in our home. My husband is a talker, and oftentimes will steamroll right over me (unintentionally) when I'm trying to say something, and I just look him dead in the eye and say "I. Wasn't. Finished." He'll usually give me a guilty smile and apologize.

That's okay, because I had jumped from motorboats to waterboarding and wondered why she wanted the OP to torture her husband.

Only as a last resort and with mutual consent.

YIKES! See what I mean??

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I would never tell my wife to shut up. Maybe "Hold on honey!". Seems like hes absorbed in himself and not so much in the marriage. He does need to take care of the business, but at the same time it shouldn't mean shunning you or treating you like a pain in the butt leper.