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Husband Cheating. I am Confused. Tired.

HB2012

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Dear brothers/sisters in Christ,

Let me give a brief history. I had caught my husband cheating red handed about 3 years ago when we were both single. He begged and begged and i took him back. We got married in 2012, and we have a 19month old. So far all had been fine.

I am currently 2 months pregnant. Last week he had to travel to the Asia for work, and would be for the next 8 to 9 months or more. While washing his clothes yesterday, i found an empty condom wrap. We have never had cause to use a condom! I of course asked him immediately and he denied, stating he must have forgotten it in his trousers long before we got married (which seemed like a very stupid excuse).

For curiosity sake, i decided to take a second look at this condom, and it was manufactured this year!!!!! We have never had any sexual problems to the best of my knowledge. I called him and told him i had seen the manufacturing date and i dropped the phone afterwards.

Now i am confused, heartbroken and just weak. I had always told my self that infidelity of a spouse is just a no no no for me. I really dont know what to do.

What would you do in my shoes?
 
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sdmsanjose

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[FONT=&quot]If he has committed adultery then you know that you can divorce him and still be within the scriptures. On the other hand, you can also decide to take the mercy and grace route and BOTH start building to patch up the damage. As a Christian you are to forgive no matter which way you choose and in addition forgiveness is not without consequences but I suppose you know all that.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]You are asking “What would you do in my shoes?” There is a lot more information needed for anyone to take a stab at answering your question. Are you both Christians? Is he normally an honest person? Is he going to tell you the truth? Is he truly remorseful? Is he a good father and a good husband? Are you able to support yourself? If he has s committed adultery do you want to stay with him or divorce? Those are just a few.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Marriages have survived infidelity but it is a very serious detriment to a strong loving relationship. One reason is that it is a flagrant violation of trust and trust is one of the building blocks of the foundation of committed relationships and love. If he is guilty then this is the second time that he has proven that he will choose his selfish desires over you.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Lets assume that he is guilty and you both decide to try and reconcile the marriage. What I would insist on is that he get the right helps and find out why he is weak in this area, then I would get help to set up a plan with strong boundaries and accountability so that he has to prove his sincere desire to change. I would insist that this plan be executed for year and years. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]You need to build yourself up and put most of your efforts and concentration on you and the children. Do NOT spend all your time trying to fix him or let the pain dominate your thinking and time because you can do just so much. He is the one that will have to do the vast majority of fixing him. You need to get to the point that you are stronger in emotions and in your spiritual life. He has weakened you and you will need to get more strength. You goal should be to get to the point that you can live with him or without him. Being too dependent on your spouse is not a strong love but having a degree of self-sufficient and self-reliance is very beneficial in a relationship.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]DO NOT take this as something that your did to force him to commit adultery. There is absolutely no excuse for adultry. If the marriage is so bad that it is going to cause misery for life then you get a divorce first but you do not get to use misery as an excuse to commit adultery which is a betrayal of family and a sin against God.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]In some cases this situation results in the marriage being much stronger in some areas but that does take a lot of work and time. I am sorry for your pain but know that God will NEVER abandon you. Also, in some cases this situation helps you to become more closer and secure in God and your faith.[/FONT]
 
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RedPonyDriver

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I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

He's probably lying. At least he's using condoms.

The Bible talks about it being okay for a man to divorce his wife if she cheats on him. I'm not sure if the opposite is true, actually I'm pretty sure its not Biblically speaking.

So...he gets a free pass on adultery? Twisted...
 
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E

EazyMack

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I'm not sure if the opposite is true, actually I'm pretty sure its not Biblically speaking.
Sorry, but I just had to respond to this by saying:

You've got to be kidding.


Anyway, to the OP: You don't have to make any quick decisions. Just be alone, be a mom, and work through the other things with time. You don't have to make the decision tomorrow as to whether you will file for divorce or take him back.

And honestly, while most of us believe we would never tolerate being cheated on, it really has to be something between you and God. All I can say is to take YOUR time, don't worry about what anyone else wants you to do. Keep your distance from him and take your time.

Really sorry you have to go through this.
 
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HB2012

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The problem now is that he has denied. Says he doesnt know how the condom appeared in his pocket. I am really sad because in my heart now this closes all chances for repentance and reconciliation. It means he isnt sorry. Its heartbreaking, its sad, considering i am pregnant and i have a 19 month old.
 
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sdmsanjose

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Get help with your emotions and spirit and start making a plan to get yourself more self-reliant and self-sufficiency. That will help you tremendously whether you stay with him or leave. Fight dwelling on your emotional pain and fears. You are in a situation where you are dealing with your emotional, spiritual and maybe physical health. You are going to have to get real tough and face some real pains in life. Very sorry for you hurts but the reality of your situation will require you to build yourself up or you will go down.

Your priority now is you and your children! As for your husband, you can not force real remorse and change only he and God can do that.




[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Proverbs 3:5-6New International Version (NIV)[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]5 [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.[a[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Hebrews 4:16[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
C:\Users\07312014\AppData\Local\Temp\msohtmlclip1\01\clip_image002.png
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Isaiah 41:10[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Hebrews 4:16[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
C:\Users\07312014\AppData\Local\Temp\msohtmlclip1\01\clip_image002.png
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Isaiah 41:10[/FONT]
 
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HB2012

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Yes for now i am with my parents. thank God for children as my daughter is what keeps me able to smile and go thru the day. But why is he denying? makes no sense. He still tells me he doesnt know how it got there. I think the most painful part is the denial, because it means he isnt sorry for what he did and would surely do it again
 
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ValleyGal

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[FONT=&quot]I went back and looked at your previous posts, and see that he did this shortly before you got married. You received a lot of feedback about taking him back, and you still married him. You believed in him, so what is stopping you from believing him this time?

I'm sure this is all very painful for you - not only for finding the wrapper, but also because maybe you realize that your trust has perhaps been misplaced (perhaps because there could be other reasons a condom wrapper ended up in his pants).

Maybe I'm missing something...but if he is overseas working, how come you're staying with your parents? Is there a reason you can't continue to stay in your home?
[/FONT]
 
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HB2012

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[FONT=&quot]I went back and looked at your previous posts, and see that he did this shortly before you got married. You received a lot of feedback about taking him back, and you still married him. You believed in him, so what is stopping you from believing him this time?

I'm sure this is all very painful for you - not only for finding the wrapper, but also because maybe you realize that your trust has perhaps been misplaced (perhaps because there could be other reasons a condom wrapper ended up in his pants).

Maybe I'm missing something...but if he is overseas working, how come you're staying with your parents? Is there a reason you can't continue to stay in your home?
[/FONT]

Actually i had moved to my parents immediately he left last week. Since i was pregnant and had a toddler, we both felt my parents help would be needed at this time. The plan was for him to start working on a residence visa for us so we could join him as soon as possible.


Yes he cheated before we got married. in that case i had caught them in the room red handed so there was no denying. But he begged and begged and repented and begged, God knows i really believed he had changed.
 
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HB2012

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So he has just confessed! Said he cheated. He is yet to give me details. Please has anyone gone through this before? i need someone to talk to. I hav eprayed to God, and i am still praying as i want to make the best decision for myself and for my child and my unborn child.
 
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DZoolander

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Well, I think it's important for people to understand what kind of advice they're asking for.

Clearly - you're not really asking if you ought to stay or leave. If you wouldn't leave when you had no true ties to the guy/were single - I think the odds are pretty remote that you're gonna leave now that you're married and have one kid in tow/one in the oven.

Rather - while the cheating seems to have hurt you - what seemed to be even the bigger issue was that you wanted him to confess - which he's now done. So - mission accomplished. The goal, then, seemingly is "how do I get past this?"

Well - you bide your time. Time heals all wounds. You give him enough grief as to satisfy you for the moment, you hold it above his head as much as seems appropriate, and then you sit back and wait for it to happen again (it isn't like he confessed out of some pang of conscience and/or any "come to Jesus" moment. He confessed because there's no other option that wouldn't have made him out to be a short bus candidate).

That's pretty much the course laid out for you. All other discussion about whether or not you ought to stay (which is what most of this will become) is/will be just a bunch of hot air. I suggest you just cut to the chase and follow the advice I've given - as that's pretty much what you want to do :)
 
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Odetta

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I, too, don't really know what you're asking of us. Are you asking if it's biblically OK to divorce him? The answer is yes (ignore the dissenter). Are you asking how you emotionally get past this? Well, that's harder to respond to, because it sort of depends on what you want to do.

If you want to divorce him and emotionally move on, I don't have advice for you, because I've never been in that situation. But there are people here who have, and I know there are a number of divorce recovery support groups around that can help you.

If you want to stay married, then I suspect you what you really want to know is how to get him to stop cheating on you. My dear, this is beyond your power or control. If he wants to cheat, he's going to. It sounds like he has a pattern, and isn't going to stop - heck, apparently he hasn't even begged for forgiveness this time or promised to stop. So you if you stay you are going to have to accept his cheating ways and stop letting your emotional world fall apart when he does. Sounds like hell on earth to me.
 
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DZoolander

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^^^ exactly.

People are going to do what they want to do. The reason I don't cheat on my spouse is because I don't want to - not because there's some great threat levied over my head...or because she's set the circumstances such that it's inconvenient. I simply don't see myself as a cheater - don't want to be that person - so I don't.

That's how most things are in life.

So - if you're wondering how to manipulate your environment and/or maneuver things around to set up that perfect situation where he's not looking to hop on someone else - good luck with that. It simply doesn't work that way.

The fact that he boned someone else while you're carrying his child is particularly offensive to me. My wife just had our second child a couple of months ago - and the thought of hopping on some other woman while my wife was nurturing our new child is a special kind of repugnant in my eyes.
 
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NothingIsImpossible

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I'd ask why he cheated. What happened in the marriage that he turned elsewhere for sex. Obviously no matter the answer it doesn't change what he did nor does it give him an excuse for it. But he should at least be honest about why.

If your looking to divorce that's between you and God. I don't believe in divorce myself even when adultery is involved. Trust may be broken but it doens't mean the marriage can't be repaired. That's all I will say for now. And lets not forget its against the rules to even promote divorce on this section.
 
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HB2012

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Update to the situation.
Its difficult.....more difficult than i imagined. Now i feel like i am in a pit. Like I made a mistake, an irrepairable mistake by agreeing to marry after he said he was sorry the first time. Like i was decieved and stupidly believed. He has spoken that it was a one night stand, with a girl he met the first time at a restaurant. And he never talked to her or called her after that. He claims this is the only time he has cheated. As usual he follows with the sorries and the apologies even though now i dont even believe them.

Like you guys have said there is really nothing i can do now, cant force him to stop cheating, i dont even believe he can stop. I believe he is sorry because he got caught. Of course he wants to work it out, of course he wants to reconcile but for now i am just wallowing in hurt and confusion.
 
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sdmsanjose

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Like you guys have said there is really nothing I can do now, can’t force him to stop cheating, I don’t even believe he can stop. I believe he is sorry because he got caught. Of course he wants to work it out, of course he wants to reconcile but for now I am just wallowing in hurt and confusion.

Hurt and confusion is very understandable and I hope that you have a shoulder to cry on. Purge as much hurt as you can but there will come a time when you will have to take actions and make decisions. We have tried to give you the best advise that we can so when you are ready then think about reviewing what has been written on this thread. Listed below are a few quotes that we think will help you when you are ready:


You need to build yourself up and put most of your efforts and concentration on you and the children. Do NOT spend all your time trying to fix him or let the pain dominate your thinking and time because you can do just so much


Get help with your emotions and spirit and start making a plan to get yourself more self-reliant and self-sufficiency


Your priority now is you and your children! As for your husband, you cannot force real remorse and change only he and God can do that.


I hope you at least have a good support network around you and the kids as you go through this...? Family, friends? Place to stay?


Join a divorce recovery group at church and start the healing process for your own good, while everything else becomes clearer with time.


So you if you stay you are going to have to accept his cheating ways and stop letting your emotional world fall apart when he does
 
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DZoolander

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Which kind of begs the question - as a side subject - which would bother you more? If your partner cheated with someone they got to know/had built something with - or if your partner cheated with someone that they just happened across?

To be honest - the flippant one night stand would bother me more. A pseudo-relationship I could at least kinda understand. Maybe there was something deficient in the relationship. Maybe there was an unhealthy environment that I had contributed to...etc.

Sure - that one carries extra "risk" involved in it if you look at it as simply as "will he/she leave - do they have somewhere else to go?" - but I'd far prefer someone that betrayed due to that sort of thing than someone who just saw someone in a bar and thought "Looks good to me".

...and I'd trust the person who just had sex with a random in a bar far less than I'd trust someone who'd fallen into another relationship.
 
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