Husband Cheating. I am Confused. Tired.

[technofox]

I would ask why he cheated. Is due to a lack of sex? Is it due to the pregnancy? Lack of attraction?

None of his answers will justify his behavior, but may explain what is on his mind. Anthropologists studied why women throughout most cultures change their hair styles and in general its to make a man subconsciously think she is a different mate (I don't know how they came to this conclusion, but you can find a bunch of reliable sources via Google).

The truth is, very few guys cheat without any logical explanation other than a personality defect. Most of the time there is a simple, yet stupid, answer that could range from lack of sex or kink in bed to just finding you unattractive for one reason or another (don't take offense, some guys just have to have the new model car they see in their minds when the current one works just fine and isn't ugly by any means).

In a nutshell you have a tough choice, to stay or go.

I would suggest marriage counseling and maybe a mental health therapist for the both of you (this is good to see if there are personality issues in either party). If he refuses marriage counseling, then take it to the next step and go for a separation - which will really show you who he really is, if he wants you then he will get the hint and go to counseling, if not he has already checked out of the marriage completely. If he doesn't try to reconcile after a separation of 6 months to a year, then it's time to find a divorce lawyer and take the marriage to dissolution aka divorce.

I wi tell you this, as someone with personal experience, do not take divorce lightly. It will eat your soul and bring you down into the darkest places, but take heart because it will end and it will get better. God gave me peace when I filed for divorce, but that was after years of marriage counseling where my ex-wife didn't do her part to make the marriage work.

Now I am happily remarried to a beautiful, pregnant wife and she is a God send and an angel. I couldn't imagine being without her.

Last word of wisdom. If you divorce, go see a therapist. I didn't and only recently have I discovered that I suffer from major anxiety due to my prior marriage, which has hurt my current marriage. You will have baggage from it and you should take care of it prior to getting married again.

 

[Inkachu]

Dear brothers/sisters in Christ,

Let me give a brief history. I had caught my husband cheating red handed about 3 years ago when we were both single. He begged and begged and i took him back. We got married in 2012, and we have a 19month old. So far all had been fine.

I am currently 2 months pregnant. Last week he had to travel to the Asia for work, and would be for the next 8 to 9 months or more. While washing his clothes yesterday, i found an empty condom wrap. We have never had cause to use a condom! I of course asked him immediately and he denied, stating he must have forgotten it in his trousers long before we got married (which seemed like a very stupid excuse).

For curiosity sake, i decided to take a second look at this condom, and it was manufactured this year!!!!! We have never had any sexual problems to the best of my knowledge. I called him and told him i had seen the manufacturing date and i dropped the phone afterwards.

Now i am confused, heartbroken and just weak. I had always told my self that infidelity of a spouse is just a no no no for me. I really dont know what to do.

What would you do in my shoes?

Since he's going to be gone for at least 8 months... I would get yourself into counseling during the time that he's gone. If he's cheated in the past, chances are, he's still cheating, and he'll probably cheat while overseas. Whether or not you view cheating as Biblical grounds for divorce or not, is only for you to say. But at the very least, please find a good Christian marriage counselor to help you through your grief.

Since you're asking what we would do in your shoes, here's my answer: I would file for divorce and use this time away from him to build a new life. When he comes back, he would need to find a new place to live (I would put his stuff in storage, he would not be coming back into my home at all). Whether or not he should be involved with the children would depend on whether or not he was repentant, willing to take responsibility for his actions, and willing to get counseling.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I would ask why he cheated. Is due to a lack of sex? Is it due to the pregnancy? Lack of attraction?

None of his answers will justify his behavior, but may explain what is on his mind. A

Yep exactly. Sometimes spouses don't speak up in their marriage and hold it it. So in the end they end up doing something they regret instead of fixing the problem in the first place. There was a couple on here (I think it was on here) years ago where the wife got pregnant and she just wasn't in the mood for sex while pregnant.

So the husband started to feel neglected. Instead of telling her, her held it in and ended up cheating on her. If he would have just told her how he felt it could have been avoided. As stated it won't change whats already done but it does open up doors to possible recovery if you choose to do that with him (and him with you).

 

[DZoolander]

Everyone has their pet peeves - and hearing about guys that cheat on their pregnant wives is one of mine. IMHO - that's the lowest of the low. If there's ANY time to give your wife a pass and understand that she just ain't "in the mood" - it's when she's growing and nurturing your baby - for Christ's sake.

That's as bad as hearing that some guy's wife got into a car accident - broke every bone in her body - comes home in a body cast - and the guy says "Well, how about a little oral? You can manage that, right?"

Any guy that pulls that kind of nonsense deserves not only to be left - but quite frankly a beating as well.

 

[Inkachu]

I love you, Ezoo.

 

[sdmsanjose]

[FONT=&quot]Get all the help that your can with your emotions right now including friends, family, church, counselling, etc. At some point you are going to have to make a decision about divorce, separation, and reconciliation.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]Here is what I would do if I were you no matter which option you choose. I would first build myself up and start getting myself as self-sufficient and safe reliant as possible. This will help you no matter which option your choose. Secondly, I would not enable him by trying to soften any consequences that come his way due to his free will choice to betray you, his children, and sin against God. Consequences often bring about a self-introspection that clears the mind a bit! King David repented but God did not take away his consequences. The consequences are not for revenge but will help bring out the truth and character. If he is not willing to suffer the consequences and prove his remorse by his actions for a long time then you have your answer.[/FONT]

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[FONT=&quot]I give you this advice because you are probably weakened and scared and will jump at the chance to reduce your pain. This would be understandable because you are emotionally devastated. However, your husband has forced a time of great pain and you need to be in better condition to take the pain than he is so that you do not compromise and you get better.[/FONT]

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[FONT=&quot]He has committed one of the biggest, if not the biggest, relationship killers of all time. Nothing is going to be easy and there will be a lot of pain so you must build yourself up and get yourself as self-reliant and self-sufficiency as possible. Do not waste time trying to fix him because only he and God can do that. Concentrate on only you and do not apologize for that. You can get through this and some even come out better. Thousands of women have done that and so can you.[/FONT]

 

[HB2012]

@Ezoo, oh how i wish i could beat him lol. He would end up dead for sure.
anyway, i have been reading all here, i also spoke with him yesterday. Of course he is going on with the whole i am sorry , crying that it was a mistake, it will never happen again bla bla bla. However this time i dont even believe at all. As for the pregnancy, i wasnt pregnant when it happened (i'm in the early stages of my pregnancy), so definitely he wasnt missing on any action, and was getting all i felt he wanted from me in that department.

But for my child (and the bun in the oven), i would say i married the wrong man, because now i just look back and its like i dug a big hole and fell in. I have told him i want a temporary separation for now, and during this time i should be able to start some counselling and then clear my head and decide on my next plans.

You know its just crazy. I never would have suspected. All seemed so fine at home. He as extremely always loving. he would be the one disturbing me to always do the family prayer at night, to go to church, i never ever ever would have suspected. I guess such is life.
My little girl keeps going to the computer every night and shouting daddy . She wants to skype with him as they used to do nightly. Breaks my heart but for now all is on hold.

 

[DZoolander]

Well how far along are you - and how often do you wash his pants? lol

 

[Autumnleaf]

So...he gets a free pass on adultery? Twisted...

Not really. Nobody gets a free pass on such things. His wife may never forgive him.

 

[Inkachu]

@Ezoo, oh how i wish i could beat him lol. He would end up dead for sure.
anyway, i have been reading all here, i also spoke with him yesterday. Of course he is going on with the whole i am sorry , crying that it was a mistake, it will never happen again bla bla bla. However this time i dont even believe at all. As for the pregnancy, i wasnt pregnant when it happened (i'm in the early stages of my pregnancy), so definitely he wasnt missing on any action, and was getting all i felt he wanted from me in that department.

But for my child (and the bun in the oven), i would say i married the wrong man, because now i just look back and its like i dug a big hole and fell in. I have told him i want a temporary separation for now, and during this time i should be able to start some counselling and then clear my head and decide on my next plans.

You know its just crazy. I never would have suspected. All seemed so fine at home. He as extremely always loving. he would be the one disturbing me to always do the family prayer at night, to go to church, i never ever ever would have suspected. I guess such is life.
My little girl keeps going to the computer every night and shouting daddy . She wants to skype with him as they used to do nightly. Breaks my heart but for now all is on hold.

Not all guys who cheat are mean to their spouses. He was probably trying to soothe his guilty conscience by acting loving and "righteous"; oh sister, I can tell you about some guys who knew how to play the "good Christian man" card perfectly while cheating on their wives!! It's a horrible thing, but it happens. This man is a master liar, sneak, and manipulator.

I'm extremely proud of you for accepting what's happened and not being in denial. I've seen too many people get cheated on and say "but they're SO sorry" or "I don't want to break up the family" or "I really want to just forgive and move on" and they continue with the lying, sneaking, manipulative spouse, and the cycle just continues until their whole lives are destroyed, including the kids' lives.

This man has utterly trampled all over his wedding vows, your trust, and his role as a husband and father. He has proven himself untrustworthy, and unworthy. As a mother, you need to protect yourself and your children, and part of protecting the children means keeping yourself emotionally safe. If you're a complete wreck because their father is cheating, what does that teach them? What does that do to them?

Definitely get into counseling, and stay strong.

 

[DZoolander]

Where I would run into issues if I were her is how to handle the kids - and their desire to talk to him. The kid doesn't understand the dynamics of what's going on - all she knows is that she misses her daddy and wants to talk to him. As a result - I'd have a hard time not allowing her to skype with him.

What I *would* do beforehand, however, is have a talk with the spouse and say "Look, what's going on between us is between us. You do not bring the children into this. I want her to have contact with you - because she loves you and doesn't understand/know what's going on.

I will, however, be monitoring your talks, and the moment you start to cross any lines and/or I get the feeling you're trying to lobby our kid with this, that's going to come to a halt right then and there. I will close the skype window, and you will not get it again."

...or something to that effect.

 

[Inkachu]

Part of being a good parent is not caving into your child's emotions, but doing what's best for them, even if they don't understand it or throw a fit or start crying. It's horribly difficult, but absolutely crucial for good parenting.

I guess, when it comes to abuse and betrayal, I see the family as a unit, not "parent(s) here, and kids there". You abuse one member of the family, you're abusing the family unit, and you lose the privilege of being part of that unit. Maybe because I grew up in a non-broken household, and it was hold the family together or die trying. Family came first, always, period, end of story. You abuse my mom, you've abused me, because you've dishonored her and she's my mother. You abuse my brother, you've abused me. Etc, etc. Because we're a unit, a team, and we're in this together. What affects one member, affects all the members.

I know others don't see it that way anymore. That's how it used to be, though. Now families are all broken up and splintered and it's him against her vs them and there's no unity. Husbands can abuse and betray and hurt their wives through adultery, and still expect the sacred honor of being allowed into the childrens' lives; that makes me sick, honestly. And it can go both ways, we all know that, I'm just referring to the OP's situation. IMO, being allowed to influence the life of a child is a sacred honor... not a cheap right that you get because you had sex with someone or lied your way through some marriage vows. When you vow to love and be faithful to your wife, you're vowing that to your future children as well; you're vowing to honor and love and be true to their mother. You break the vow to her, you've broken it to the children.

Anyway. Enough rambling.

 

[technofox]

Everyone has their pet peeves - and hearing about guys that cheat on their pregnant wives is one of mine. IMHO - that's the lowest of the low. If there's ANY time to give your wife a pass and understand that she just ain't "in the mood" - it's when she's growing and nurturing your baby - for Christ's sake. That's as bad as hearing that some guy's wife got into a car accident - broke every bone in her body - comes home in a body cast - and the guy says "Well, how about a little oral? You can manage that, right?" Any guy that pulls that kind of nonsense deserves not only to be left - but quite frankly a beating as well.

You think most of the dudes that cheat on their pregnant wives would touch over doing something that will cost them big time financially via a divorce. Seriously it's cheaper to keep her and masturbating is cheaper than cheating. You think money would override the desire cheating.

Then again I think about money all the time and the idea of having two woman or more, is a financially expensive proposition. Not to mention that I think cheating is wrong to begin with. Either way the OP will be OK, God will see to it.

 

[DZoolander]

Yeah - I mean - don't get me wrong. I understand the idea of getting all pent up and stuff. But - there are plenty of ways to take care of that without going out and cheating on your spouse.

 

[Inkachu]

You think most of the dudes that cheat on their pregnant wives would touch over doing something that will cost them big time financially via a divorce. Seriously it's cheaper to keep her and masturbating is cheaper than cheating. You think money would override the desire cheating.

Then again I think about money all the time and the idea of having two woman or more, is a financially expensive proposition. Not to mention that I think cheating is wrong to begin with. Either way the OP will be OK, God will see to it.

There is so much wrong with this attitude, I can't even begin...

 

[technofox]

There is so much wrong with this attitude, I can't even begin...

Hi Inkachu. It's not just about money, but I am pointing out that sometimes it's the only incentive for some guys to not do evil. Is it morally right to think like that?

No. I personally think cheating is wrong from a moral stand point, but I also look at alternative stand points that may stop other guys from making stupid decisions and that is their wallet. It may not be the best idea, but oddly enough it works.

I hope this gives you a clearer view of what I was trying to convey. The cheaper to keep her was an attempt at humor, I guess I should have clarified that.

 

[DZoolander]

To the point, though, if you're so pent up you can't stand it, take care of yourself.

 

[sdmsanjose]

[FONT=&quot]If “money” and “Take care of yourself” will prevent infidelity then that is a good trade off![/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]Infidelity is one of the biggest relationship killers of all time! [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]When there is children involved it is even worse than terrible![/FONT]

 

[DZoolander]

Well, to he honest, I wonder how well the "money" motivation would work in preventing infidelity. To me - the desire to do something (or not do it) comes from within. I think that if you're the cheating type - you're gonna cheat - because that's what you want to do. All that worrying about money is going to do is make you try and be more discreet (or "smarter") about it so you don't get caught.

 

[HB2012]

Lost the pregnancy yesterday unfortunately, so i think i am in another world/mood entirely. Baby died early hours of yesterday morning. Its the saddest period of my life, and ofcourse i want to blame him for the death of this child.