Hurdle Coming Back to Christ

[Ivan57]

Hello, everyone. I just wanted to post what I have been going through. When I first came to Christ 4 years ago, I came out of fear of hell. Part of me did have a desire to know Him and I didn't want to keep living in sin but it was out of fear. For the next few years, my walk consisted of falling away, coming back and understanding a bit more, but I never had a solid foundation. My walk basically entailed that I believed Jesus forgave me, and I would do my best to not sin. But there wasn't much of a relationship. I did spend time with Him, but it was sporadic and rarely deep/with all my heart.

Eventually, needless to say, this caught up with me. I eventually (last year) fell extremely deep into sin- even worse than before I believed. I eventually realized what I was doing and turned to God. At first, it was for sorrow for what I had become and for how I hurt others. I wanted to change and I plugged into fellowship, and have been going to a Church by my campus for the last 3 months consistently. This may sound funny, but this is my longest streak of going to Church. I went to youth group a lot early in my walk but never plugged into a Church.

Recently, I have been broken over how little love for Christ is in my heart, and how I initially came back out of sorrow for myself. I repented. I felt broken; I don't want to lament over myself, I want to be sorrowful over what I have done to Jesus. I have been seeking Him with all I am.

What has been making me distraught lately is my lack of godly sorrow. One day I was going over some scripture, and the thought "the wages of sin is death" popped into my head. I thought about it, and how our sin's consequence is eternal separation from God. But then I got a thought "that is too severe." And I told myself no, that's the just penalty for sin. However, ever since then I can't get myself to accept that. I try and try and try to say that I and everyone deserves eternal death, yet my heart rejects that. Sin has punishment, but I can't get myself to fully accept that. I have OCD too, so I constantly obsess over this thought.

The problem is, that would mean I'm calling God a liar and unjust. But God is Light and truth, and He is perfect justice. I can't get my heart to fully own that I deserve eternal death. I confess I am a sinner, I know Jesus is the only way for salvation, yet no matter what I do, I can't get myself to own how depraved sin is/how great it's punishment is. Or maybe I can and I am self-deceiving myself, but I have been trying for 2 weeks now and it's leading to nothing.

I go to God and it feels like I have to force out the words "I know I deserve hell." All this does is cause me to 1) feel eternal punishment is terrifying and too great a punishment 2) pride rise up and say I'm bad but I don't deserve that severe a punishment 3) fear God and don't see love in the Cross.

I just came to Jesus and said "I can't change my heart. You are just, please give me a heart that accepts your justice. Please let me see your love." I want a heart that accepts God's justice but I can't get myself to. And since I can't I feel I am beyond salvation.

I look to the Cross and feel fear. Maybe it's a warning from God, or maybe I am stressing over myself too much. I don't know. All I know is I want to know His love. I prayed that He would break me and see His love. I don't want to live in fear anymore. I don't want to just accept Christ and move on. I want to know Him, I want to love Him, I want to live for Him, but in this body of sin I can't. I can't even get myself to confess I deserve hell. I know I don't deserve heaven and need a Savior, but my mind keeps thinking eternal punishment is too much. And that would be calling God unjust.

I feel so unqualified to come to Him, and pray that He will fix my thinking in love. I want to embrace and love Christ but I fear this struggle deafens His ears to my prayers. I know it's paid for, but there's still this part of me that says eternal wrath is excessive and I can't change it on my own.

Is this something I have to overcome on my own, or is Jesus willing to correct my thinking and save me in this state? I don't doubt His work on the Cross, nor His ability to save, but I doubt my understanding/heart being right to come to Him. Telling myself "I deserve hell I deserve hell" over and over and trying to force myself to accept that on my own has left me exhausted and in fear. I want to love Christ, not fear Him. I feel so hopeless . I have prayed a "sinner's prayer" over 1000 times in my life, not cause it saves me but because I feel I get some part wrong. And now that I am seeking Him more than ever before I can't get over this hurdle, and I feel hopeless. I can't change my thinking, I hope He does. I also worry I am self-deceiving myself and I can do this, but when I sincerely try it feels forced. Or maybe I'm so blind I am unable to in my sin. I just want to be free and rest in Him. I see His work in my life and past sins fading out of my life, but what does it matter if I can't behold Him and love Him.

I'm sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get my heart across. My friend told me to not worry about the eternal part since I don't fully grasp it yet and just go to Him and trust Him to lead me in understanding and grow in His time as I seek Him. But I don't know if I can do that or if I have to get this right first.

 

[R. Hartono]

All I know is I want to know His love. I prayed that He would break me and see His love.

If you love Jesus you will abide by His commands.
Matt 5:44 But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you
46If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Do not even tax collectors do the same?

You are called to love each other, share God's love with the people, be kind and share your love to people, not your curses.

 

[mukk_in]

Hello, everyone. I just wanted to post what I have been going through. When I first came to Christ 4 years ago, I came out of fear of hell. Part of me did have a desire to know Him and I didn't want to keep living in sin but it was out of fear. For the next few years, my walk consisted of falling away, coming back and understanding a bit more, but I never had a solid foundation. My walk basically entailed that I believed Jesus forgave me, and I would do my best to not sin. But there wasn't much of a relationship. I did spend time with Him, but it was sporadic and rarely deep/with all my heart.

Eventually, needless to say, this caught up with me. I eventually (last year) fell extremely deep into sin- even worse than before I believed. I eventually realized what I was doing and turned to God. At first, it was for sorrow for what I had become and for how I hurt others. I wanted to change and I plugged into fellowship, and have been going to a Church by my campus for the last 3 months consistently. This may sound funny, but this is my longest streak of going to Church. I went to youth group a lot early in my walk but never plugged into a Church.

Recently, I have been broken over how little love for Christ is in my heart, and how I initially came back out of sorrow for myself. I repented. I felt broken; I don't want to lament over myself, I want to be sorrowful over what I have done to Jesus. I have been seeking Him with all I am.

What has been making me distraught lately is my lack of godly sorrow. One day I was going over some scripture, and the thought "the wages of sin is death" popped into my head. I thought about it, and how our sin's consequence is eternal separation from God. But then I got a thought "that is too severe." And I told myself no, that's the just penalty for sin. However, ever since then I can't get myself to accept that. I try and try and try to say that I and everyone deserves eternal death, yet my heart rejects that. Sin has punishment, but I can't get myself to fully accept that. I have OCD too, so I constantly obsess over this thought.

The problem is, that would mean I'm calling God a liar and unjust. But God is Light and truth, and He is perfect justice. I can't get my heart to fully own that I deserve eternal death. I confess I am a sinner, I know Jesus is the only way for salvation, yet no matter what I do, I can't get myself to own how depraved sin is/how great it's punishment is. Or maybe I can and I am self-deceiving myself, but I have been trying for 2 weeks now and it's leading to nothing.

I go to God and it feels like I have to force out the words "I know I deserve hell." All this does is cause me to 1) feel eternal punishment is terrifying and too great a punishment 2) pride rise up and say I'm bad but I don't deserve that severe a punishment 3) fear God and don't see love in the Cross.

I just came to Jesus and said "I can't change my heart. You are just, please give me a heart that accepts your justice. Please let me see your love." I want a heart that accepts God's justice but I can't get myself to. And since I can't I feel I am beyond salvation.

I look to the Cross and feel fear. Maybe it's a warning from God, or maybe I am stressing over myself too much. I don't know. All I know is I want to know His love. I prayed that He would break me and see His love. I don't want to live in fear anymore. I don't want to just accept Christ and move on. I want to know Him, I want to love Him, I want to live for Him, but in this body of sin I can't. I can't even get myself to confess I deserve hell. I know I don't deserve heaven and need a Savior, but my mind keeps thinking eternal punishment is too much. And that would be calling God unjust.

I feel so unqualified to come to Him, and pray that He will fix my thinking in love. I want to embrace and love Christ but I fear this struggle deafens His ears to my prayers. I know it's paid for, but there's still this part of me that says eternal wrath is excessive and I can't change it on my own.

Is this something I have to overcome on my own, or is Jesus willing to correct my thinking and save me in this state? I don't doubt His work on the Cross, nor His ability to save, but I doubt my understanding/heart being right to come to Him. Telling myself "I deserve hell I deserve hell" over and over and trying to force myself to accept that on my own has left me exhausted and in fear. I want to love Christ, not fear Him. I feel so hopeless . I have prayed a "sinner's prayer" over 1000 times in my life, not cause it saves me but because I feel I get some part wrong. And now that I am seeking Him more than ever before I can't get over this hurdle, and I feel hopeless. I can't change my thinking, I hope He does. I also worry I am self-deceiving myself and I can do this, but when I sincerely try it feels forced. Or maybe I'm so blind I am unable to in my sin. I just want to be free and rest in Him. I see His work in my life and past sins fading out of my life, but what does it matter if I can't behold Him and love Him.

I'm sorry for the long post, I just wanted to get my heart across. My friend told me to not worry about the eternal part since I don't fully grasp it yet and just go to Him and trust Him to lead me in understanding and grow in His time as I seek Him. But I don't know if I can do that or if I have to get this right first.

Life changing power comes from His Holy Spirit. The transformation maybe instantaneous or gradual. He'll give you a new heart, thinking, outlook, etc. But you're on the right path as you're still with the Lord. Backsliding, spiritual or emotional wilderness are part of the Christian life. Hang in there son and don't worry too much. God bless .

 

[teresa]

counter your negative mantra with new words

practice talking back to, or correcting, the instant thought "I deserve hell" with something Jesus would tell you

practice catching yourself saying these instant negative mantras and self correcting every day

god is all powerful, but our flesh is weak and we have the free will to stop goodness from coming to us

find something that works for you to help stop the "neggies" (case of the negative thoughts attack)

for me its not just the self talk, but also listening to praise and worship music, as @mnorian can tell you, its really powerfully healing and there are many places here for more information and help with that.

 

[Jenniferdiana]

sin destroys us because in sin there is no life or anything good about it.and leads us to death ..every sin is wrong and harms us in every way, it leads to trouble and makes us and things around us fall apart sin destroys us because its bad and corrupted..its just wrong? theres nothing good about sin..sin is dirty and unmoral ..but we all sin and we all fall short of God..the best thing to do is not worry about it and try your best to not do it again, i mean whatever you are doing, as long as we repent turn from our sins return to God and ask God for forgiveness, he will forgive you , God loves you, he just hate when we do the wrong things because its not right in his eyes and it isnt who he is..he want us to do the right things. it isnt easy but practice the right things and live in it, you will sin less, everybody sins but sin only leads to death because its harmful and wrong, so of course it doesnt lead to life, everything about sin destroys us and some way or another..so just love God and practice righteousness, keep your thoughts on God and you will be in peace with yourself. you may feel you have little love for him because your sins have put you in some kind of depression and numbness, i dont know maybe you cant feel anything because you are depress, i dont know.or you probably just feel guilt...nothing i havent heard before, just turn from your sins, be born again and live in love and him. its nothing to get worked up over...its something i have heard a thousand times, and i am sure God has too, he understands..stay positive..