How would you interpret this?

[HolyOne87]

Well, i know some on this forum read a lot of my posts already..well, now get ready for another.

my boyfriend and I are almost 3 months into our relationship together. Things have been going well in all aspects, except one that is kind of bugging me a tad. i'll explain:

He completely is fine with my stand on no sex until marriage..which is wonderful..but, sometimes he asks for other things(mostly one thing, but i'd rather not say what that is). Usually the situation starts with him asking, me saying no, and then him asking, "why not" and then me saying, "because thats not me" or something..Then he completely backs off. But this happens every here and there when we see each other. I figure it would sink in that I do not want to do something. He isnt pressuring me about it. He just asks and asks still though. But the second I say no, he will back off. Usually, i would expect pressure at this point and no way of turning back type of thing. But he doesnt do that.

I mean, im not his ex-girlfriend(whom, i must add, he didnt really like at all). She WILLINGLY did a lot to him(sexual wise) and he didnt ask for it..but of course, like some guys would do, they dont fight it off, they allow the girl to do it (i know the guys on here would because your all nice like that ).

But he told me..."I ask you because I love you" and yada yada yada. But sometimes do say things just to get there way..It happened to me before in my past relationship..

I just don't know what to do. Am I acting way too paranoid about this?

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

Well, i know some on this forum read a lot of my posts already..well, now get ready for another.

my boyfriend and I are almost 3 months into our relationship together. Things have been going well in all aspects, except one that is kind of bugging me a tad. i'll explain:

He completely is fine with my stand on no sex until marriage..which is wonderful..but, sometimes he asks for other things(mostly one thing, but i'd rather not say what that is). Usually the situation starts with him asking, me saying no, and then him asking, "why not" and then me saying, "because thats not me" or something..Then he completely backs off. But this happens every here and there when we see each other. I figure it would sink in that I do not want to do something. He isnt pressuring me about it. He just asks and asks still though. But the second I say no, he will back off. Usually, i would expect pressure at this point and no way of turning back type of thing. But he doesnt do that.

I mean, im not his ex-girlfriend(whom, i must add, he didnt really like at all). She WILLINGLY did a lot to him(sexual wise) and he didnt ask for it..but of course, like some guys would do, they dont fight it off, they allow the girl to do it (i know the guys on here would because your all nice like that ).

But he told me..."I ask you because I love you" and yada yada yada. But sometimes do say things just to get there way..It happened to me before in my past relationship..

I just don't know what to do. Am I acting way too paranoid about this?

First of all, you should only have to say ONE time that you are not willing to do anything. What does he think, that after a couple of weeks your morals have changed? Is he also a Christian? Because if he is then he is really out of line asking for things that you do not feel right giving or doing. Next time he asks just say something like "I already explained to you why I don't want to do this and I am not gonna tell you again so back off." Tell him that it makes you uncomfortable that you have to keep explaining yourself and defending your reasons for not doing specific things. You shouldn't even have to explain in the first place, no means no, simple as that. If this continues to be a problem then I would probably tell him to move on and find someone else, but that is just me. There is no need to compromise yourself, or your beliefs to satisy a guy.

 

[bliz]

That he keeps asking makes it clear that you and he are not on the same page when it comes to values and beliefs.

So why are you still seeing him?

 

[Babymine]

...
He completely is fine with my stand on no sex until marriage..

Are you sure about this? I mean if this were completely true, he wouldnt even try or ask for anything sexual would he?
That is what being "completely fine" with something means in my mind.


There is a big difference between backing off after the subject has been broached (Im still going to try and see if anything has changed), and avoiding the subject all together (I understand her stance on this, not need to bother).
Be sure you arent talking yourself into believing that he's all ok with it, when he's clearly telling you otherwise.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

Are you sure about this? I mean if this were completely true, he wouldnt even try or ask for anything sexual would he?
That is what being "completely fine" with something means in my mind.


There is a big difference between backing off after the subject has been broached (Im still going to try and see if anything has changed), and avoiding the subject all together (I understand her stance on this, not need to bother).
Be sure you arent talking yourself into believing that he's all ok with it, when he's clearly telling you otherwise.

I agree with you, if he was fine with no sex before marriage then he would not even be asking the OP to do specific things.

One question to the OP. Have you guys set clear boundaries on what you think is ok or not? If you haven't then I think that you need to do that ASAP. This is an important issue that needs to thought out and discussed.

 

[HolyOne87]

in response to Child of God: we pretty much set boundaries..but i think him and i really should talk about them again.

i might just try and help him conform to me a little bit..like help him become less like this..because it seems like he has been this way for a while, and no one really tried to help him with it. Maybe he just needs a push in the right direction now. I can be one tough person if i aim to be. Maybe if I tell him it upsets me that he brings it up, he will stop asking. Because i know for a fact he hates seeing me upset.

i'll def talk to him but not break it off with him. I care about him..im basically the only one that really does right now. He is under a lot and I cant just walk off on him. I think I know one reason why he is this way, but its a way personal issue.

but I shall talk to him.

 

[Beautiful Fireball]

in response to Child of God: we pretty much set boundaries..but i think him and i really should talk about them again.

i might just try and help him conform to me a little bit..like help him become less like this..because it seems like he has been this way for a while, and no one really tried to help him with it. Maybe he just needs a push in the right direction now. I can be one tough person if i aim to be. Maybe if I tell him it upsets me that he brings it up, he will stop asking. Because i know for a fact he hates seeing me upset.

i'll def talk to him but not break it off with him. I care about him..im basically the only one that really does right now. He is under a lot and I cant just walk off on him. I think I know one reason why he is this way, but its a way personal issue.

but I shall talk to him.

Hi
First of all, you need to set definite boundaries, nothing as to where you are saying "pretty much" or anything to that effect. You have to set clear, defined boundaries, and take all the steps necessary to keep those boundaries.

Also, you can not "conform him to you." First of all, trying to change who someone is is not your place, and a relationship is not the best place to do that. Is he a Christian? Because if he is he needs to be conforming to Christ, not you. Sorry, but changing him is not gonna happen and no amount of effort on your part is gonna do that.

Lastly, why would you want to be with someone who can not respect your boundaries? This guy is obviously not because he continues to ask you to do things even after you have said no. Also, if there are issues that he has he needs to work on them outside of a relationship. A relationhsip can not be successful unless the two people are complete and healthy on their own outsid of the relationship, and if you say that there are issues then he should not be working on them while at the same time working on making a relationship work. I know I may sound a bit harsh, but I really feel that you are putting yourself in a bad position. You deserve to be with someone who respects your boundaries. Heck you deserve to be with someone who applauds your decision to remain pure, not someone who is going to be questioning it at every opportunity.

 

[lovesbrightpink]

HE should respect you. I dont think that he will stop unless you let him know that he is crossing the line by asking.