How to handle my husband.

[blessed86]

UPDATE 11th July - see below original posts

So my DH is currently going through a rough season he lost his job about 2 months ago and he hasn't found anything else yet. He is also currently studying and is having trouble completing an assessment. We have a newborn child (3 weeks old) and I think the stress of everything is getting to him!

The thing is I don't care so much that he doesn't have have a job yet I just want us to be happy! I want him to have complete confidence in Christ that he will provide!

Anyway..back to him..he seems to get very easily distracted..by sports and computer games! He has a history of addiction to games and I'm so worried that he is going to revert back to that. I just don't know how to handle this! I'm exhausted (newborn) and this assessment feels like it's hanging over my head :/ I just want him to be free so he can spend time with me and our new son and can help me around the house more (I'm recovering from a c-section)

How do I speak to him about this..I don't want to come across as motherly, I don't want to be emotional (and cry), I don't want him to think that I'm judging him and the way he chooses to handle things. I think he really needs a great older male role model to come alongside him (he used to have that in his job at church)...how do I ask him to find a mentor? Anyway most of this is venting...but help/advice would be appreciated. Or if anyone has gone through something similar...what helped you?

His father lives In a different country and although they have a great relationship there isn't much room for communication (his fathers Job is very demanding.) My husband moved to Australia when he was 18 (now 25) so he has needed leaders/mentors to help him grow. I like the idea of him having another male to be accountable to he has had to deal with certain things from his past that I can't help him with so this has been vital to his growth.

In regards to wether he has put much effort into finding a job...I don't think he has. He seems picky but at the same time tells me he is willing to do anything. My gut feeling is that he is scared of rejection, so putting in all the effort to apply for a position only to never hear back discourages him. We have talked about how every job he has had has been through someone he knows so he hasn't ever really needed apply for positions before. He has a lot of experience and has proven to be a great leader. But he was burnt out working at our church for a year, and then wasn't offered a continuing contract (position was taken by someone much more qualified than him) he understands it had to happen but he was still quite hurt

I think the big issues are rejection, self doubt, not believing in himself. I believe in him and know that he will do amazing things in his future! How do I as his wife help him in these areas without mothering him?

* update - so a few days ago my husband came to me and admitted that he has been distracted by gaming and that he was giving up games (he deleted them) his assignment is due tomorrow and will be done in time! I can't wait to have my husband back.

Now to add to the stress we are moving house next weekend! More than ever I need him to be present and available to me! Packing with a one month old is not easy! Please pray for us! Prayer works! I didn't nag my husband about the games issue...I just prayed (and cried) about it! Also i think that I might have PPD and I am seeing my doctor about it next week! So please pray for that too! Next week we'll be living in much cheaper accommodation and will have more support around us, for that I am thankful and for those who were asking about how we are surviving financially, we have savings and I am receiving full paid maternity leave for 4 months! He still needs a job though! If anything for his sanity and for his self esteem! Thanks again to those who have shared!

 

[dayhiker]

Hi blessed.
So much going on. WOW ... 1st child? guessing it is.

Well, one way to speak to him is to spend some time being intimate not sexual. Sit close and has to looking in his eyes. Not for a few seconds, but minutes. Ask him to caress your face. Express those words of love. HUG. Caress his face while still looking in his eyes. That should get you out of mother mode. Cuddle .. ask him a couple of questions about his life as you sit/lie close. Tell him something about your life. Thank each other for sharing that and let each other know you heard what they said not what you think they should say.

Then as can we do something together, do clean a room or .... then say lets cuddle some more. A nice loving way to get him away from a video game I think.

 

[Luther073082]

I would just ask him to do certain things by the end of the day but don't tell him he must do it now.

If your husband is responsible enough to get certain things done when he says he will do them by a certain deadline then you shouldn't have any problems, you just need to ask him to do those things. If he's not then you might need to come across as more "motherly". As long as your requests are reasonable though you shouldn't need to do this.

I have a question, has he in your opinion put sufficient effort into finding a new job?

Also why do you think he needs a mentor? Does he lack responsibility?

Right now at age 30, I don't feel like I need a mentor in order to live successfully, although it's always nice to have one, I can for the most part handle things on my own.

However I also grew up with a father in my life so I did have that mentor growing up.

 

[Satine]

A few things have really coincided there, haven't they? Sorry to hear things are rough.
Congratulations on the newborn, by the way!
How to respond to your husband. Well, I think I'd say something like:
- Ask how he feels about the assessment and the job hunting. Note: he may not feel the way you do about these things. He may also feel differently about each. He may also not feel the way you guess he feels about each. So a little fact-checking here will be a great start.
- Once you know about the above, let him know how you feel about each.
You've now got open lines of communication both ways.
- If neither of you have mentioned it already, bring up the subject of the games and your worry that he's slipping into his old addiction to them. It isn't judgemental or overbearing ('motherly' I think you called it) to say so. Past behaviour is a pretty reliable indicator or future behaviour, so again, it's worth being open and communicative about it.
- Talk together about possible solutions to this. Perhaps it's worth him committing to limiting his gameplay to only a couple of hours a day? Or each day but only after he's applied for 3 jobs? Or even to lock them away somewhere where only you have the key until he's got a job. It depends on the depth of the problem and how much he feels he needs help managing it.
- You also mentioned wishing he had a mentor. Depending on how the above works out, it may turn out he doesn't so much need one. Perhaps communicating like this will help him to be his own mentor. But if you still feel it would be helpful, why not suggest it? Simply with, "Hey, you remember how you had [insert ex-mentor's name] at your last job? It really seemed to work for you, having that kind of support. What do you think about finding another mentor/re-establishing contact with the ex-mentor?"
I hope this helps.

 

[ChristianGolfer]

blessed86, you probably just need to let it go, stop worrying about your husband. You have to just trust that he is a grown up and that he'll handle things. He won't necessarily do things in the time or the way that you think he should. But that's okay. He knows what he needs to do.

You have a newborn to care for and you need to relax and heal. If the house gets messy, so what! You'll have plenty of time and energy later to clean it up. Maybe you could ask him to do a specific task, say "honey, could you please clean the kitchen up today?" But don't nag if he doesn't get to it right away. Or go hand the baby to him and say "I'm going to clean, watch the baby for a few minutes please." And plant a big kiss on him.

When you worry about what your husband is doing, you're the one who isn't trusting. Just remind yourself that he's a big boy, he doesn't need anyone to tell him what to do. Act like you have complete confidence in him. Chances are good that if you act like you know he's got it all under control, your confidence in him will give him the boost he needs to get things done.

 

[blessed86]

His father lives In a different country and although they have a great relationship there isn't much room for communication (his fathers Job is very demanding.) My husband moved to Australia when he was 18 (now 25) so he has needed leaders/mentors to help him grow. I like the idea of him having another male to be accountable to he has had to deal with certain things from his past that I can't help him with so this has been vital to his growth.

In regards to wether he has put much effort into finding a job...I don't think he has. He seems picky but at the same time tells me he is willing to do anything. My gut feeling is that he is scared of rejection, so putting in all the effort to apply for a position only to never hear back discourages him. We have talked about how every job he has had has been through someone he knows so he hasn't ever really needed apply for positions before. He has a lot of experience and has proven to be a great leader. But he was burnt out working at our church for a year, and then wasn't offered a continuing contract (position was taken by someone much more qualified than him) he understands it had to happen but he was still quite hurt

I think the big issues are rejection, self doubt, not believing in himself. I believe in him and know that he will do amazing things in his future! How do I as his wife help him in these areas without mothering him?

 

[SharonL]

A very stressful time for a man - first off - a man's job is how he considers his worth. Times are rough right now and finding a job is tough, make sure you stress the fact it is the times and not his fault of the job loss. Unless it is his fault.

The games are a recluse for him, he is hiding from the facts. With all that is going on he may need to be reminded that you need help - just a request at the time and bring his thoughts more to the needs of the family right now instead of being without work. This is very alarming for a man who has a new family and no means of support.

Just give him encouragement and nudge him along to help you, but realize his thoughts are split at the time - what to do about a job and how do I take care of my family. You will be hurting also, but he will probably fail to see this with the burden of being without a job. Just hang tough and know that your time to let go will be when he can take care of his family.

 

[WalksWithChrist]

So my DH is currently going through a rough season he lost his job about 2 months ago and he hasn't found anything else yet. He is also currently studying and is having trouble completing an assessment. We have a newborn child (3 weeks old) and I think the stress of everything is getting to him!

The thing is I don't care so much that he doesn't have have a job yet I just want us to be happy! I want him to have complete confidence in Christ that he will provide!

Anyway..back to him..he seems to get very easily distracted..by sports and computer games! He has a history of addiction to games and I'm so worried that he is going to revert back to that. I just don't know how to handle this! I'm exhausted (newborn) and this assessment feels like it's hanging over my head :/ I just want him to be free so he can spend time with me and our new son and can help me around the house more (I'm recovering from a c-section)

How do I speak to him about this..I don't want to come across as motherly, I don't want to be emotional (and cry), I don't want him to think that I'm judging him and the way he chooses to handle things. I think he really needs a great older male role model to come alongside him (he used to have that in his job at church)...how do I ask him to find a mentor? Anyway most of this is venting...but help/advice would be appreciated. Or if anyone has gone through something similar...what helped you?

I've been in similar situations at various points of my life. I don't have any specific advice for you since each individual, and couple, is different. I basically had to grow up! I had to strike a balance between leisure (mostly gaming) and responsibility. It took time and a bit of trial and error.

 

[Luther073082]

His father lives In a different country and although they have a great relationship there isn't much room for communication (his fathers Job is very demanding.) My husband moved to Australia when he was 18 (now 25) so he has needed leaders/mentors to help him grow. I like the idea of him having another male to be accountable to he has had to deal with certain things from his past that I can't help him with so this has been vital to his growth.

In regards to wether he has put much effort into finding a job...I don't think he has. He seems picky but at the same time tells me he is willing to do anything. My gut feeling is that he is scared of rejection, so putting in all the effort to apply for a position only to never hear back discourages him. We have talked about how every job he has had has been through someone he knows so he hasn't ever really needed apply for positions before. He has a lot of experience and has proven to be a great leader. But he was burnt out working at our church for a year, and then wasn't offered a continuing contract (position was taken by someone much more qualified than him) he understands it had to happen but he was still quite hurt

I think the big issues are rejection, self doubt, not believing in himself. I believe in him and know that he will do amazing things in his future! How do I as his wife help him in these areas without mothering him?

You need to push him and tell him that you need money and he needs to start applying for jobs. Not every job is going to be gotten because you know someone, he's been lucky thus far but that doesn't mean it will continue til now. He shouldn't discount knowing someone with a job, but you can't rely upon one source.

I can understand the fear of rejection. Quite frankly looking for a job sucks. I hate looking for a job. But at the same time you have to do it in order to get a job and you need a job for an income.

How are you two surviving without an income?

 

[Avniel]

I know how I felt when I lost my job before I started my own business. It can really get you down especially when you are filling out application after application. I think you should talk to him let him vent then encourage him to put his trust in Christ. Sometimes all a person needs is to know someone is there and believes in them.

 

[Inkachu]

Omgosh, woman, YOU'RE the one who just had a baby, and YOU'RE the one who just had a c-section, and you're worried about upsetting or offending him by acting like a human being and maybe asking something of him or crying a little in front of him? He's not working, he needs to be doing everything for you right now! You should not be lifting a finger except to care for your little one! He should be doing the housework, cooking, cleaning, errands, etc. I understand that he's going through a rough patch right now, but so are you, doubly so! You're the one with a stitched-up uterus, leaking breasts, and roller-coaster hormones!

How do you not know "how to speak" about this to your own husband? You should be free to say anything you need to say to this man. "Honey, I need help. I'm worried about you becoming addicted to the TV and video games again. Please turn off the electronics and help me around the house and with the baby, we both need and love you."

Just say it.

Men can be big flippin' babies sometimes, and while we hate to feel "motherly", sometimes (unfortunately) you have to kick them in the butt for them to get up off it and do whatever they need to do to take care of their families. I suppose if you just sat the baby in the corner and went in your bedroom and felt sorry for yourself for a month or two, he wouldn't care? He'd happily jump in to care for the baby and take care of the home? Somehow, I doubt that. New moms don't have the luxury to sit around feeling sorry for themselves and their men shouldn't, either.

 

[jsimms615]

So my DH is currently going through a rough season he lost his job about 2 months ago and he hasn't found anything else yet. He is also currently studying and is having trouble completing an assessment. We have a newborn child (3 weeks old) and I think the stress of everything is getting to him!

The thing is I don't care so much that he doesn't have have a job yet I just want us to be happy! I want him to have complete confidence in Christ that he will provide!

Anyway..back to him..he seems to get very easily distracted..by sports and computer games! He has a history of addiction to games and I'm so worried that he is going to revert back to that. I just don't know how to handle this! I'm exhausted (newborn) and this assessment feels like it's hanging over my head :/ I just want him to be free so he can spend time with me and our new son and can help me around the house more (I'm recovering from a c-section)

How do I speak to him about this..I don't want to come across as motherly, I don't want to be emotional (and cry), I don't want him to think that I'm judging him and the way he chooses to handle things. I think he really needs a great older male role model to come alongside him (he used to have that in his job at church)...how do I ask him to find a mentor? Anyway most of this is venting...but help/advice would be appreciated. Or if anyone has gone through something similar...what helped you?

I'm not sure what you mean by an assessment and how much control he has over how fast that gets done. I would suggest that he make an agreement with you that no video games until it is done. I have to do that sometimes when I have a paper, as i do presently. I wrote 7 pages yesterday because I didn't go on facebook or other time sucking activities.

As far as the job search, I can really relate to that since I went 5 years without a permanent job. I only had temporary jobs. It took a real hit to my self-esteem. Not sure where you are and if he can apply to some temp agencies that would help him. Some employers use temp to hire situations to try out employees.

The mentor idea is a good one. I would just suggest it to him and ask him to pray about it. then ask God to bring him someone in his life. Don't nag him or that will just make him want to do the opposite of what you say.

 

[Hetta]

Omgosh, woman, YOU'RE the one who just had a baby, and YOU'RE the one who just had a c-section, and you're worried about upsetting or offending him by acting like a human being and maybe asking something of him or crying a little in front of him? He's not working, he needs to be doing everything for you right now! You should not be lifting a finger except to care for your little one! He should be doing the housework, cooking, cleaning, errands, etc. I understand that he's going through a rough patch right now, but so are you, doubly so! You're the one with a stitched-up uterus, leaking breasts, and roller-coaster hormones!

How do you not know "how to speak" about this to your own husband? You should be free to say anything you need to say to this man. "Honey, I need help. I'm worried about you becoming addicted to the TV and video games again. Please turn off the electronics and help me around the house and with the baby, we both need and love you."

Just say it.

Men can be big flippin' babies sometimes, and while we hate to feel "motherly", sometimes (unfortunately) you have to kick them in the butt for them to get up off it and do whatever they need to do to take care of their families. I suppose if you just sat the baby in the corner and went in your bedroom and felt sorry for yourself for a month or two, he wouldn't care? He'd happily jump in to care for the baby and take care of the home? Somehow, I doubt that. New moms don't have the luxury to sit around feeling sorry for themselves and their men shouldn't, either.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

OP, your husband needs to get some help if he is depressed from the job loss, but right now, he kind of sounds like he is 'regressing' the way that older siblings sometimes regress when a new baby comes along. But he's not a baby, and he needs to step up and be a husband and a dad, rather than a second child.

 

[Inkachu]

Truly. His job is to take care of you and your child, not make YOU take care of HIM as well as the baby!

 

[Mikeb85]

Truly. His job is to take care of you and your child, not make YOU take care of HIM as well as the baby!

The problem with your advice is that it's fairly obvious her husband knows this is his job, and his inability to provide (by being unemployed) is what's stressing him out.

Lecturing him about what he already knows and is already stressed out about is a recipe for disaster...

 

[Mikeb85]

So my DH is currently going through a rough season he lost his job about 2 months ago and he hasn't found anything else yet. He is also currently studying and is having trouble completing an assessment. We have a newborn child (3 weeks old) and I think the stress of everything is getting to him!

The thing is I don't care so much that he doesn't have have a job yet I just want us to be happy! I want him to have complete confidence in Christ that he will provide!

Anyway..back to him..he seems to get very easily distracted..by sports and computer games! He has a history of addiction to games and I'm so worried that he is going to revert back to that. I just don't know how to handle this! I'm exhausted (newborn) and this assessment feels like it's hanging over my head :/ I just want him to be free so he can spend time with me and our new son and can help me around the house more (I'm recovering from a c-section)

How do I speak to him about this..I don't want to come across as motherly, I don't want to be emotional (and cry), I don't want him to think that I'm judging him and the way he chooses to handle things. I think he really needs a great older male role model to come alongside him (he used to have that in his job at church)...how do I ask him to find a mentor? Anyway most of this is venting...but help/advice would be appreciated. Or if anyone has gone through something similar...what helped you?

Tell him this part:

The thing is I don't care so much that he doesn't have have a job yet I just want us to be happy!

 

[Inkachu]

The problem with your advice is that it's fairly obvious her husband knows this is his job, and his inability to provide (by being unemployed) is what's stressing him out.

Lecturing him about what he already knows and is already stressed out about is a recipe for disaster...

I didn't tell her to "lecture" him. But the first step is sitting him down and making it clear what's wrong, what needs to change, and that there will be consequences if he doesn't listen. What this man is doing is effectively abandonment of his family. He's in the house, but he's checked out emotionally and is contributing nothing. He's become another child, another mouth to feed. This poor woman is not in a place to tackle this problem, she's just had surgery and has a newborn baby to care for.

If talking doesn't produce results, I'd start going to counseling, with or without him. If he doesn't join in, I'd tell him to start looking for another place to live while he "finds himself" and come back once he's ready to be a husband and father again.

There is ALWAYS work to be found. Register with every temp agency and labor office in town. Be willing to do anything. Get on Craigslist and find some labor gigs around town (fixing cars, mowing lawns, helping people move). Do SOMETHING.

 

[Mikeb85]

I didn't tell her to "lecture" him. But the first step is sitting him down and making it clear what's wrong, what needs to change, and that there will be consequences if he doesn't listen. What this man is doing is effectively abandonment of his family. He's in the house, but he's checked out emotionally and is contributing nothing. He's become another child, another mouth to feed. This poor woman is not in a place to tackle this problem, she's just had surgery and has a newborn baby to care for.

If this isn't lecturing someone, then what is?

If talking doesn't produce results, I'd start going to counseling, with or without him. If he doesn't join in, I'd tell him to start looking for another place to live while he "finds himself" and come back once he's ready to be a husband and father again.

Seems a little drastic for the situation as described by the OP. As of right now, he's stressed out with life circumstances. Threatening to leave if he doesn't agree to counselling is a pretty extreme form of one-up-manship...

There is ALWAYS work to be found. Register with every temp agency and labor office in town. Be willing to do anything. Get on Craigslist and find some labor gigs around town (fixing cars, mowing lawns, helping people move). Do SOMETHING.

Yes, there is. But from the original post, this isn't necessarily the problem for her. For him it is (us guys derive alot of confidence and self-worth from what we do to earn a living).

The OP described her problem in such a way that she wants him to be happy and emotionally available. She wants him to be with her, enjoy their child, and not stress out over money.

Speaking as a married man, what you described is basically throwing gasoline on a tiny lit match. Ineffective, and a huge over-reaction.

 

[dorig59]

I agree with Inkachu's approach. Really, no need for [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]-footing around because he's "stressed." Just tell him what the deal is here. Sometimes when we leave a spouse alone thinking they'll "do the right thing," we're really just enabling them to be lazy. The more he sits around not doing something productive, the more lethargic, hopeless, & "stressed" he'll become. If he's not working or ACTIVELY putting effort into getting another job, he needs to be busy with anything & everything you need help with. And unless you're independently wealthy, then he really does need to get a job.

 

[Verve]

Yes, there is. But from the original post, this isn't necessarily the problem for her. For him it is (us guys derive alot of confidence and self-worth from what we do to earn a living).

The OP described her problem in such a way that she wants him to be happy and emotionally available. She wants him to be with her, enjoy their child, and not stress out over money.

Speaking as a married man, what you described is basically throwing gasoline on a tiny lit match. Ineffective, and a huge over-reaction.

I've had discussions with my husband about what a man's career means to him and it's true. What Mike85 is saying here is completely what I agree with.

Also, there isn't always work available. Someone can honestly put out every line they can think of. Sending out resumes and calling people, etc... and still not get a response.

It's really hard on a guy who wants to provide for his family and can't.

I would recommend counseling and volunteering. The counseling could be especially helpful in controlling the video games and sports problems.
Just getting out of the house to do something "productive" even if he isn't getting money for it could be good for his spirit.

Once he feels lifted up he will be in a better place emotionally to care for you.