ex-pat
Building my house...
- Jun 30, 2011
- 501
- 62
- Gender
- Female
- Faith
- Eastern Orthodox
- Marital Status
- Married
- Politics
- CA-Conservatives
A few thoughts on this: First, men often identify with their jobs. For them, it is very shaming to tell people that they do not have jobs, and cannot fulfill the role they know they should fill with a new baby: Protector and provider. A brand new, utterly helpless infant depends on you both, and he feels he cannot live up to his part of the deal, because he's not working. This leads to more feelings of shame and more of a desire to retreat from everything. Shame is a powerful aide to inertia...when people feel helpless and overwhelmed they retreat to a comfort zone...which of course makes it more shaming when he realizes he spent the day gaming, which leads to more feelings of inadequacy.
Second: There's a very good chance he doesn't have a clear sense of what you need...as women we tend to think that men know perfectly well how to care for the house and will intuit what is required, so we say "I need help with things". To us, this means do what's obviously needed...dishes, laundry, lifting shopping bags that are too heavy, that sort of thing. What we SHOULD be saying are things like "I've made a list of what needs to be done today, and I will need your help with doing the dishes this morning so I can give the baby a bath and get him settled earlier." or, "'I've noticed that the baby seems extra cranky right around when I need to begin dinner plans. Would you make that fantastic (insert meal here) that you make, so I can soothe the wee one, or would you like to soothe him so I can get dinner ready without interruption?" By giving him a specific chore or care giving task you are giving him something concrete to do that gives him a purpose, and leaves him less prone to feeling overwhelmed when you feel overwhelmed. Most new fathers want to help, but really don't know where to start, because it's all new. They do not have their routines in place for this yet!
Third: Take care of yourself!!! Don't be afraid to say "I need this". Many of us feel personally guilty if we go read a book or take a nap in mid-day, but remember you're recovering from major surgery. Say "I'm feeling extra tired today, so if you don't mind I'm leaving the lunch dishes for now, and resting." (or if you need to, ask him to do them and rest!).
Fourth: Take care of your marriage!! Even when he's not working you can find ways to fix a SIMPLE but romantic dinner...maybe by candlelight. Ask someone to babysit so you can go for a long walk with your husband in some beautiful spot. Take a picnic to a park...for lunch, or breakfast, even! It doesn't have to be in the evening when you're tired out. Look for free outdoor concerts...many places offer jazz concerts in the summer, or classical music, or free movies. Plan free dates, and be sure he knows that the important thing is being with him, not how much money is spent on the event. Assure him that you're capable of living with him quite comfortably on a reduced income! He needs to see that in what you do, as well as in what you say.
My prayers for you both, and for the new little one! Such a blessing!
Second: There's a very good chance he doesn't have a clear sense of what you need...as women we tend to think that men know perfectly well how to care for the house and will intuit what is required, so we say "I need help with things". To us, this means do what's obviously needed...dishes, laundry, lifting shopping bags that are too heavy, that sort of thing. What we SHOULD be saying are things like "I've made a list of what needs to be done today, and I will need your help with doing the dishes this morning so I can give the baby a bath and get him settled earlier." or, "'I've noticed that the baby seems extra cranky right around when I need to begin dinner plans. Would you make that fantastic (insert meal here) that you make, so I can soothe the wee one, or would you like to soothe him so I can get dinner ready without interruption?" By giving him a specific chore or care giving task you are giving him something concrete to do that gives him a purpose, and leaves him less prone to feeling overwhelmed when you feel overwhelmed. Most new fathers want to help, but really don't know where to start, because it's all new. They do not have their routines in place for this yet!
Third: Take care of yourself!!! Don't be afraid to say "I need this". Many of us feel personally guilty if we go read a book or take a nap in mid-day, but remember you're recovering from major surgery. Say "I'm feeling extra tired today, so if you don't mind I'm leaving the lunch dishes for now, and resting." (or if you need to, ask him to do them and rest!).
Fourth: Take care of your marriage!! Even when he's not working you can find ways to fix a SIMPLE but romantic dinner...maybe by candlelight. Ask someone to babysit so you can go for a long walk with your husband in some beautiful spot. Take a picnic to a park...for lunch, or breakfast, even! It doesn't have to be in the evening when you're tired out. Look for free outdoor concerts...many places offer jazz concerts in the summer, or classical music, or free movies. Plan free dates, and be sure he knows that the important thing is being with him, not how much money is spent on the event. Assure him that you're capable of living with him quite comfortably on a reduced income! He needs to see that in what you do, as well as in what you say.
My prayers for you both, and for the new little one! Such a blessing!
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