how to handle abuse from family member (moved from ethics and morality)

[ceaser]

It's been 15 years since our marriage. During the initial 2 years of our marriage I had been doing my pos-graduate studies and was away most of the time at college, my wife [and me] lived with my parents. I returned in the evenings every other day to see my wife. On one of my visits to see my wife at my parent's house, my wife cried to me that my father tried to sexually abuse her. but she evaded him. I was in the middle of my studies and we were dependant on my parents for money and other things. I was a coward to ask my dad about his actions. we [me and my wife] informed my mom about this issue, and she didn't seem too surprised or do anything. I asked my wife to continue evading him as this is the only thing I could do at that time. I am the only child of the family. As soon I had completed my studies we left the house, country and my parents. It has scarred my wife emotionally, every other she is reminded about this and has an argument with me regarding my father's behaviour. She says she has forgiven him but has not forgotten about the incidents. Many times I wished I had the courage to go and stand up to my dad and maybe question him ,fight with him... I don't know. but I can't see my wife suffer like this. Had I not married her ,she wouldn't have gone through this. she was raised by a God fearing family and lived like a princess before she got married. The marriage was arranged by both our parents. I didnot know what my father thought when he was searching for a bride for me. He had told my wife the reason he had got us married was that he can access to her. It hurts me hear all this from my wife. I am torn in between by what my father whom I had trusted since my childhood would do something like this. My mom passed away and my dad is living happily alone back in my home country with no emotions of guilt
Can some one help.

 

[MorkandMindy]

The most important decision anyone can make in life is to choose their parents wisely.


If that went wrong there is really not a huge amount you can generally do to fix it. You have to assess the situation and plan the way ahead. Don't concentrate on fixing the past, but you will have to assess what damage limitation is going to be cost effective.

In my case my past contains instances where I have been a coward and my wife has no respect for me and our marriage is over. I'm not totally sure she is happier now because she is lonely, the choice for her is whether to have a coward or spend some of the time with no one.

You have to focus on the future. Determine whether you really are to blame, because what your wife thinks of you is what is carried forward.

Also there in my past both sets of parents had roughly equal amounts of money and education, but my parents got divorced and spent the money they inherited from their parents whereas my wife's parents have somehow stayed together and she will inherit a bundle from them so getting rid of me also made sense from a financial perspective, so now she has better parents as well as expectations I can not achieve.

The proximity of her parents has also been a problem because she has been showing off to them and blaming her own lack of success and happiness on me. Also she can't ignore her dad because he may be the one to decide who inherits what, and here in England houses cost a fortune; they are about 10 times the build cost at present.

So things can be pretty complicated, but one thing is to take emotions and whatnot as they are at the present, accept what simply can not be changed, change what can cost effectively be changed, and decide how to move forward.

But you have to schedule the process because there really are too many things in the past to fix and you'll be 80 before you've worked out how to fix them all and then it won't matter anyway.

 

[The Nihilist]

Get her some professional help for her.

 

[Jade Margery]

What Nihilist said. If she hasn't already, she should be seeing a therapist about this situation--and possibly talking to her own parents about why they thought the man they 'arranged' her marriage with was trustworthy.

I would suggest talking to your father through some kind of mediator. It sounds like what is bothering your wife, and the reason she keeps having arguments with you and has forgiven but not forgotten, is that she is maybe less hurt by what happened to her than how you didn't do anything to stop it from happening. When you're in a situation where someone is supposed to stand up for you and protect you, and they fail or (much worse) don't try, that perceived betrayal can cause a lot more anguish than whatever they fail to protect you from.

IF this is the case, then I would say your only hope to repair the damage is to try to fix where you 'failed' in the past. Your father needs confronting, and a paid mediator would see to it that things stay neutral and fair and both of you get to tell your side of the story. Really, I would strongly encourage you not to talk to him about this without a third party present, if you have any intention of having a relationship with him afterwards. It could be that he regrets what he did, or it could be that he didn't think it was a big deal, or it could be it didn't happen at all--you only have one side of this story and you should really have both, though I'm inclined to think your wife is more likely to be telling the truth simply because she would have nothing to gain from lying about it. At any rate, confronting him, resolving this, and perhaps telling him that you think it was wrong and it's the reason you've moved away from him--in other words standing up for your wife--could go a long way towards repairing what has been broken.

That's just my take on it though--it's hard to give advice based on a single paragraph on a forum, so if this doesn't sound like your situation then just ignore it. But do get your wife some psychological help. Sexual abuse can leave serious scars, and therapy can help heal them.

 

[bricklayer]

A hero suffers once, but a coward suffers a thousand deaths.
You failed your chance to be her hero.
Now, you suffer the living death of a coward.

Not only were your actions cowardly, but you have also made a fool of yourself.
The difference between a liar and a fool is that the liar knows that he is lying,
but the fool has come to believe the lie.
You say that when your father attempted to violate your wife that you had no options.
B.S. I'm not fooled. You may believe that, but I don't.

You didn't shrink from your duty as a husband because you faced death or even harm.
You buckled under the very thought of a blue-collar life.
Good luck living with that.

By the way, you'll know when you've gotten your head out of your butt
when you can't show your face for shame.

I have a 10th grade education, but my wife knows that she is safe with me.

 

[bricklayer]

She needs to know that you will lay your life down for her.
She needs a champion, a hero, a HUSBAND.

If I were in your position, I would walk away from the fruit of the education you acquired at your wifes expense.
I would go back to that point in life and live it the way you should have.
But that's just me, Denise's husband, Denise's hero.

 

[The Nihilist]

Bricklayer, have you ever considered shutting the [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] up? This man is clearly ashamed of what he's done, she's clearly traumatized, and your self-righteous tirade isn't going make his life or his wife's life better.

 

[bricklayer]

Bricklayer, have you ever considered shutting the [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] up? This man is clearly ashamed of what he's done, she's clearly traumatized, and your self-righteous tirade isn't going make his life or his wife's life better.

As you state above, he's a man. He doesn't need a hug, he needs a kick in the ...
Therapy? Seriously? That's what you recommend?
She doesn't need a therapist, she needs a husband.
Any therapist worth his salt would start with addressing exactly what I addressed.

He should go to her and start with exactly the line I started with.
Admit his cowardice and his living death, offer to lay down the balance of his life for her and be ready to walk away from anything and everything the she even remotely links to his failure.
That's a start.

 

[Jade Margery]

I have a 10th grade education, but my wife knows that she is safe with me.

That explains... so much.

As you state above, he's a man. He doesn't need a hug, he needs a kick in the ...
Therapy? Seriously? That's what you recommend?
She doesn't need a therapist, she needs a husband.
Any therapist worth his salt would start with addressing exactly what I addressed.

He should go to her and start with exactly the line I started with.
Admit his cowardice and his living death, offer to lay down the balance of his life for her and be ready to walk away from anything and everything the she even remotely links to his failure.
That's a start.

Y'know, it's possible she needs both. Don't toss out therapy--even if they resolve the problems in their marriage, that won't necessarily help her get over any lingering damage done by the sexual abuse in the first place.

 

[MattRose]

I'm so glad we have both Jade and bricklayer on this forum. It's obvious that Jade is either a real therapist or shes plays the part quite well on here. Now that leaves us with bricklayer. If he didn't have such outrageous viewpoints the rest of us wouldn't be able to enjoy the welcome comic relief that he inadvertently brings with his responses.

The real question is why I'm certain that Jade is a liberal and bricklayer is a conservative. Do conservatives cringe when people like bricklayer offer their views?

 

[Autumnleaf]

She needs to get over herself and stop dwelling on this. I think you did the right thing. Would it have been wise to confront your father and then for him to predictably call your wife a liar, or worse accuse her of coming on to him? He said, she said is a waste of time. I think you handled this well and I wish your wife focused on areas of life she can control because all she is doing by focusing on this is causing trouble that has no resolution.

 

[The Nihilist]

As you state above, he's a man. He doesn't need a hug, he needs a kick in the ...
Therapy? Seriously? That's what you recommend?
She doesn't need a therapist, she needs a husband.
Any therapist worth his salt would start with addressing exactly what I addressed.

He should go to her and start with exactly the line I started with.
Admit his cowardice and his living death, offer to lay down the balance of his life for her and be ready to walk away from anything and everything the she even remotely links to his failure.
That's a start.

Therapy isn't a diagnosis, it's a treatment. And while I don't know much about you, I do know that you're not qualified to perform a psychological evaluation. After 15 years, this woman should at least see someone. It doesn't generally take that long to get over having a weakling for a husband.

 

[bricklayer]

The OP's wife needs to know that he has been suffering all along with her.

Step One: Humble yourself before your wife.

Step Two: Suffer together.

Step Three: Heal TOGETHER

 

[BleedingHeart]

The OP's wife needs to know that he has been suffering all along with her.

Step One: Humble yourself before your wife.

Step Two: Suffer together.

Step Three: Heal TOGETHER

Why didn't you start with that line in the first place? The OP probably already thought of himself as a coward.

 

[Jro]

Can we stop judging the dude and calling him a coward? If his father is sexually abusive towards his wife, there's no telling what the OP went through. He made what he admits is a mistake, so why judge the guy and kick him while he's down? What the heck guys, he's asking for help and he's looking for support in doing the right thing.

 

[bricklayer]

Why didn't you start with that line in the first place? The OP probably already thought of himself as a coward.

The OP needs to put his actions in the harshest possible terms, when he humbles himself to her.
I just gave him terms, for what he is thinking and feeling.

Denise and I have a thing we call a "reality check".
A reality check can be called for at any time, especially during disagreements and such.
If she asks me for a reality check, I must tell her her side of the issue, in such a way that she says, "that's what I'm saying".
Then she knows that is actually her with which I disagree and not some misunderstanding or misrepresentation

After he humbles himself, commits himself, and joins her,
his goal should be to be able to tell her her side of the issue in such a way that she couldn't say it better herself.
That will heal a great deal.

 

[bricklayer]

Can we stop judging the dude and calling him a coward? If his father is sexually abusive towards his wife, there's no telling what the OP went through. He made what he admits is a mistake, so why judge the guy and kick him while he's down? What the heck guys, he's asking for help and he's looking for support in doing the right thing.

First, I'm not judging him. I'm giving him very very hard won and solid advice.
Second, cuddles and kiss and wishes for more supports nothing.
That's just a bunch of American feel good fluff.

You are right, I believe, in your estimation of this guy. I got the same impression.
So, I'm treating him like a man. I'm giving him good man to man advice.
If he employs it, he will feel better, among other things far more important.

 

[ceaser]

I thank everyone for your valuable opinions. If this had happened to my wife while staying in a friend's house or a relative,there definitely would have been violence and I would garantee" my wife would have been be safe with me" as it has happened in other situations just as bricklayer mentioned. I don't think education has anything to do with it. would you go and punch your own dad in the face?especially after have been raised as the only child in a family where you had a good childhood, youth,and they did everything for you[25 years] and then all of a sudden to be betrayed by your own father,It is difficult to comprehend,it is not something that you would expect in a normal life.would that make me a hero in front of my wife or my parents? I didnot confront my dad only because of the love and respect I had for my parents. WOuld that make a coward? my father violated a family trust as my wife would be like a daughter to him[in fact that is how he tried to get access to her,claiming to be a father figure]
now I have learnt to hate him. especially now that I have learned that he had some more endeavors with the maids, He has with him the money he had earned and his property worth approx 1 million which makes him a casanova in our country. I have with me enough armory to get back at him mentally and physically. but will that erase all the bad memories that my wife has? Will God exact the revenge on our behalf?

 

[Jade Margery]

but will that erase all the bad memories that my wife has?

No.

Will God exact the revenge on our behalf?

No.

 

[lisah]

You now know what kind of person your father is. I would begin building a life that does not include him.

Your wife's problem is with you as her image of a husband has been somewhat shattered as has her image of family as well. I think it would be good to confront your father in a nonviolent manner; just as a matter of fact and acknowledging your knowledge of the matter. Do this with your wife at your side.

I don't think you need to humble yourself to your wife. I think you need a display of strength even if it is after the fact. A display of strength that does not escalate into violence.

I don't think you can erase bad memories, but you can add better memories that will rise above those that are bad.

Oh, and give up the hate. I think it's a horrible thing to carry around with you as it will make you fall all the more. Replace that with what is good and right in your life.

(Edit: If you are still dependent upon your father then . . . tread lightly.)