How to Change?

[Sevensong]

I'm not really a new Christian officially speaking, but I do feel that I've been going about it all wrong, striving in vain and to no effect - and of course, the harder I strove, the colder and more distant I felt from God, and the worse my spiritual life got...

So I've just recently...I don't know how to say it. I'm trying to give my life to God in the way that I believe he wants, rather than the destructive sort of way that was I was taught.

The thing is, I have this awful, powerful sense of the scoffing, scornful way that a lot of people would view my "conversion." It's like having these voices in the back of your mind laughing and mocking you, saying it's ridiculous to think I can "change," and break out of this shell of ice that's become my sort of signature way of being. The world doesn't really accept people changing very well, or at least, not the world I come from. They stamp you with a brand, a label, and pigeonhole you and that's it: to them, that's what you are and that's the end of it. Any deviation or attempt to change is almost scary to them, so it's greeted with scorn, disbelief, mockery... It's not accepted.

I learned in sociology class that it's human nature to become what people treat us as. The "reflected self." It was scary, because that was a huge part of what formed my social self as a child, I could see it so clearly, it was undeniable. It makes me furious that so many kids are still shaped and scarred this way by people at school or at "home" treating them like freaks, or like they're worthless or whatever. So how do I avoid being affected by toxic "mirrors"?

I know I need to find better "mirrors," healthier ones, hopefully at this new church I found. I might try finding a Christian club on campus, too. But in the meantime...how to reject the judgment of the crowd and become who God wants me to be? I'm really sensitive to the way others view me, always have been - probably because it was so overwhelmingly toxic as a child - and it's really hard for me to reject others' "reality" instead of fulfilling it, in regard to myself and their view of me.

I hope this makes sense. It's late, and I should get to bed, but hopefully I'm still coherent enough to be understood.

 

[Kiwishelly2]

Hi Sevensong, it’s me again… I hope you don’t mind if I respond to this post as well.
I too was very sensitive to how others viewed me and would go out of my way to try and please people or change myself to fit what I thought others wanted me to be. Then some things happened and I realized that it is impossible to please people and it can be destructive to ourselves as a person… the only one we really need to please is God. That became my new focus. In making decisions and also in my actions, I would ask myself what would please God and bring Him honor. It also brought a freedom from the weight of disappointment that people can put on you if you don’t do what they want or be who they want you to be. Here are a couple of scriptures about that.

Galatians 1:10 Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.

Proverbs 29:25 Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is kept safe.

When we accept Christ as our Savior, we are then given the Holy Spirit who dwells in us. He is our Teacher and our Comforter and reveals things to us and leads us in the right way. Surrender your heart to Jesus and all of your cares and He will begin the work in you. Just be open in your times of prayer and study to what He is saying to you.

This is one of my favorite scriptures:
Philippians 4:6-7 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.

 

[Sevensong]

Hi, Kiwishelly. Of course I don't mind your responding, why would I?

I love those scriptures! Thank you. Can I ask how you actually affected the change in your heart, though? It seems like it's one thing to decide to stop striving after others' approval, but it's another to actually stop caring and suffering over it, and to stop hating and punishing yourself for failing to be accepted. At least, I don't know if I've ever managed it for any stretch of time. I'd make up my mind to believe one thing, but deep down inside, on some visceral, fundamental level, I really did believe something different, because it was powerfully branded into me when I was very, very young. Then again, I know I need to make a lot of changes in my approach to God, so maybe I'm still viewing things through the lens of striving on my own strength and misinterpreting.

I think I need to work on changing those core false beliefs, changing my acceptance of the lies I was taught. Because I still feel this sense of mortification at the thought of truly being and acting like a different, better person. Like I have no right, like humility and truth require me to accept my status as a doomed wretch or something. If that makes sense? I think my failure to address and heal this in past attempts to change is what sabotaged those attempts each time. I couldn't get past this inner sense of "this is just not allowed." Like I couldn't forgive myself or accept my identity in Christ? On some level, that feels like such an enormous, earth-shaking no-no.

I've tried that shifting of approval-seeking from people to God, but for me, it went awry each time. Maybe it was because I was striving as I wrote above, trying too hard to do things myself. But I'm not so sure that was all of it. For me, with my past, it seems like there are deeper issues that need healing in order for me to truly get past it. I know it seems to be really common advice for people trying to get past a problem like this...I think, for me, the issue was that when I did this, I kept projecting onto God the worst qualities I've seen in human beings. In authority figures and those whose approval I've tried to get. It was like...as soon as God became the "target" person, he immediately warped and receded at light speed. And just kept on receding, out of reach. I think because approval feels impossible to get on some fundamental level (because it was impossible to get as a child, and nothing ever healed that or replaced it in a healthy way).

So seeing God in this way, as someone whose approval I have to win, someone I have to please, is scary. It's one thing to "know" God is merciful and loving. It's quite another to actually accept his mercy and love, when inner and outer voices have always screamed that I can't. That my lot is to bow my head and accept that I'm one of the unloved, unwanted, and forsaken.

Sorry if this is completely depressing or confusing. I'm not sure how well I expressed myself the first time, either. I'm trying to get these things out so I can work them through and have some perspective in examining them where they can't balloon and warp completely out of proportion or overwhelm me. I know my issues are quite heavy, though.

 

[Kiwishelly2]

You are not confusing, I completely understand where your coming from.
I’ll answer your first question first… How I affected change in my heart. It didn’t happen overnight and it is something I still work on, but I have come a long way. I started to look at the lies I was believing and replaced them with the truth of scripture. When those lies would enter my mind, I refused to listen to them. I wrote out scriptures on little cards that spoke the truth like the ones I wrote to you in my last post. Then I would repeat those out loud. I carried them with me… I had some written on cards and hung in my bathroom where I would see them all the time. In other words, I saturated myself with the truth of scripture. Then the lies began to lose there hold on me because I knew they were just that, lies. I did a Biblestudy that I think would be great for you too. It’s called "Breaking Free" by Beth Moore. Here is a link to it:

http://www.lifeway.com/n/Product-Family/Breaking-Free-(2009)

You can get the member book and do the homework at your own pace and then listen to the messages on line. It is an excellent study and basically talks about what I just shared with you but goes even more in-depth. It’s about breaking free from the strongholds in your life.

The other thing I would share with you is to do the same thing as above except with writing down on cards what you learn about God and who He is and how He feels about you. Every time you learn scripture about an attribute or the character of God, write it down. And when the old thoughts and ideas come in your head making you question His love for you, then read what you have written and again saturate yourself with the truth. The best way the enemy tries to defeat us is by getting us to believe lies. Here are some scriptures for you to start with

Romans 12:2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

John 3:16 “For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.

Romans 8:37-39 - No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Isaiah 41:10 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

1John 4:10 This is real love—not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as a sacrifice to take away our sins.

Zephaniah 3:17 - The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.

1 Peter 5:6-7 - Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you.

Psalm 86:15 - But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.

Isaiah 40:28-31
Have you never heard?
Have you never understood?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
No one can measure the depths of his understanding.
29 He gives power to the weak
and strength to the powerless.
30 Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.
31 But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.

 

[Sevensong]

Thank you so much! These sound like wonderful suggestions! I will definitely try them. I love what you said about saturating yourself with the truth of Scripture. I know it makes a huge difference when I read and let it absorb into me some, but I don't think I've ever let it sink in deep, and never persisted in it for long. I think this is what I need to do. It's so hard for me to believe what I'm reading as applying to me, especially if it's about God's love. But surrounding yourself with it, saturating yourself with it, seems like it would have to be effective. Research in psychology even says that surrounding yourself with messages helps to change your core beliefs, and we're dealing with something that's so inherently potent and sacred here that it's bound to have a far more powerful effect than any natural message or method.

I'll be honest, the idea of doing this...there's an internal resistance. The same old voices making me shrink from it. Kind of like the way your skin feels when you come out of a pool. I think this is why I'm so outwardly stoic most of time, and in some ways, internally cut off from my own emotions. Certain emotions, anyway. To numb myself against this kind of coldness, which I was barraged with, especially when I showed vulnerability or enthusiasm/hope about things. I'm afraid to show I care now, or to show that I have real hope about myself.

But I'm going to push against this resistance and do this anyway. God show me perseverance!

The best way the enemy tries to defeat us is by getting us to believe lies.

This is so true. This is exactly how he's wreaked havoc in my life. I've been too messed up to realize it, but now I think God is enabling me to awaken to those lies and reject them, and step out of them. I know truth is the only way to freedom and life. I have to learn to accept it, and to let it in, to live in it. It's mortifying, if that makes sense, and I'm really scared that I'll somehow fail. But God has shown me so powerfully and repeatedly that he won't abandon me or give up no matter how many times I fail, and I'm starting to actually be able to believe that!

 

[Kiwishelly2]

It's so hard for me to believe what I'm reading as applying to me, especially if it's about God's love. But surrounding yourself with it, saturating yourself with it, seems like it would have to be effective. Research in psychology even says that surrounding yourself with messages helps to change your core beliefs, and we're dealing with something that's so inherently potent and sacred here that it's bound to have a far more powerful effect than any natural message or method.

Yes, when you think of how things were drilled into you as a child... now you are doing the same thing, only with the truth of scripture. But it takes a lot of repetition to break through some of those things that were especially harmful to us. You have such a beautiful, open heart for the Lord... He will honor that. I will be praying for you. Here are a couple of other scriptures for you that show His love and care for you ... hugs!

Ephesians 3:14-21
14 When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father,[a] 15 the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth.[b] 16 I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. 17 Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
20 Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. 21 Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.

Psalm 139:1-18
1 O Lord, you have examined my heart
and know everything about me.
2 You know when I sit down or stand up.
You know my thoughts even when I’m far away.
3 You see me when I travel
and when I rest at home.
You know everything I do.
4 You know what I am going to say
even before I say it, Lord.
5 You go before me and follow me.
You place your hand of blessing on my head.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too great for me to understand!

7 I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave,[a] you are there.
9 If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.
11 I could ask the darkness to hide me
and the light around me to become night—
12 but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
Darkness and light are the same to you.

13 You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
15 You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
16 You saw me before I was born.
Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out
before a single day had passed.

17 How precious are your thoughts about me,[b] O God.
They cannot be numbered!
18 I can’t even count them;
they outnumber the grains of sand!
And when I wake up,
you are still with me!

 

[aiki]

I know I need to find better "mirrors," healthier ones, hopefully at this new church I found. I might try finding a Christian club on campus, too. But in the meantime...how to reject the judgment of the crowd and become who God wants me to be? I'm really sensitive to the way others view me, always have been - probably because it was so overwhelmingly toxic as a child - and it's really hard for me to reject others' "reality" instead of fulfilling it, in regard to myself and their view of me.

As has been pointed out already, the "mirror" you really need isn't to be found in other people but in God and His truth. The apostle Paul wrote,

2 Corinthians 3:18
18 But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as by the Spirit of the Lord.

It isn't that you need to see yourself more clearly, more positively, but that you need to see Christ clearly and reflect him, his character, truth and wisdom in how you are. This is one of the most fundamental goals God is pursuing in your life:

Romans 8:29
29 For whom He foreknew, He also predestined to be conformed to the image of His Son, that He might be the firstborn among many brethren.

The "judgement of the crowd" is an inevitability for the believer. In fact, the more you are like Jesus, the more you are likely to be hated and persecuted by those who aren't - especially in the Church. But this rejection and hatred didn't cow Jesus and it shouldn't cow you, either. Christ knew that the only One he truly needed to please was God the Father. The same is true of you and me today. As you keep your eyes on Christ rather than on the rejection and condemnation of the people around you, his character will be formed in you and with it stability, peace and even joy in the face of criticism and hatred from others.

Hebrews 12:2-4
2 looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.
3 For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, lest you become weary and discouraged in your souls.
4 You have not yet resisted to bloodshed, striving against sin.

Selah.

 

[Soyeong]

It's not you who changes, but God who changes you. You don't have to worry about changing yourself, but rather you need to trust God to change you. He is the one who is doing a good work in you that He will carry to completion on the day of Christ Jesus.

 

[NJA]

...striving in vain and to no effect ... I'm trying to give my life to God in the way that I believe he wants... It's like having these voices in the back of your mind laughing and mocking you, saying it's ridiculous to think I can "change," ....

The only voice you need hear is God's, saying (on this subject):

"Repent ye therefore, and be converted (changed), that your sins may be blotted out, when the times of refreshing (relief, revival) shall come from the presence of the Lord" (Acts 3:19)

It is having and drawing from the Holy Spirit that changes you ... his light, love and the understanding He will give you overcomes the opposites from your mind and this World.


What are these "times of refreshing"

"For with stammering lips and another tongue will he speak to this people. To whom he said, This is the rest wherewith ye may cause the weary to rest; and this is the refreshing: yet they would not hear" (Isaiah 28:11-12)

"they were all filled with the Holy Ghost, and began to speak with other tongues, as the Spirit gave them utterance ... being by the right hand of God exalted, and having received of the Father the promise of the Holy Ghost, he hath shed forth this, which ye now see and hear"

Paul quotes the Isaiah prophecy, then says "therefore tongues are for a sign" (1 Cor. 14:22) and he has already said:
"He that speaketh in an unknown tongue edifies (builds) himself" (v4, like Jude 20-21)

 

[Sevensong]

Yes, when you think of how things were drilled into you as a child... now you are doing the same thing, only with the truth of scripture. But it takes a lot of repetition to break through some of those things that were especially harmful to us. You have such a beautiful, open heart for the Lord... He will honor that. I will be praying for you. Here are a couple of other scriptures for you that show His love and care for you ... hugs!

Ephesians 3:14-21
14 When I think of all this, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father,[a] 15 the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth.[b] 16 I pray that from his glorious, unlimited resources he will empower you with inner strength through his Spirit. 17 Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.
20 Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. 21 Glory to him in the church and in Christ Jesus through all generations forever and ever! Amen.

Thank you! Can I ask which translation you're using? The Ephesians passage in mine is different, but I liked yours so much I copied it into a Word doc.

I've been reading every day, especially certain Psalms, but it is difficult at times. I know you're right about the repetition. Sometimes, these old lying voices rise up in response to what I'm reading, scoffing that those things could never apply to me, or that it's just silly to repeat things to myself. Just all kinds of lies. I know it's not true, so I keep reading, but sometimes I do get nervous that I'll finish the reading doing worse than when I started.

I don't think that's happened yet, though, despite my nervousness! So the Lord is keeping his end of the bargain!

Hugs back!

 

[Kiwishelly2]

Thank you! Can I ask which translation you're using? The Ephesians passage in mine is different, but I liked yours so much I copied it into a Word doc.

I've been reading every day, especially certain Psalms, but it is difficult at times. I know you're right about the repetition. Sometimes, these old lying voices rise up in response to what I'm reading, scoffing that those things could never apply to me, or that it's just silly to repeat things to myself. Just all kinds of lies. I know it's not true, so I keep reading, but sometimes I do get nervous that I'll finish the reading doing worse than when I started.

I don't think that's happened yet, though, despite my nervousness! So the Lord is keeping his end of the bargain!

Hugs back!

The translation that I used was the NLT (New Living Translation). I'm so glad you are continuing to seek Him... He is faithful and His Word never returns void. (Isaiah 55:11 It is the same with my word. I send it out, and it always produces fruit. It will accomplish all I want it to, and it will prosper everywhere I send it).

I also think though that if you were able to get some counseling, it would help you work through those voices that keep rising up in you. There is an organization called Focus on the Family that offers free phone counseling... their number is 1-800-232-6459. You could start there and they will help you find a Christian counselor where you live to continue on with. And of course as I said before, a lot of churches offer free counseling if the money is an issue. I just don't want you doing this alone. Did you go to the Biblestudy/prayer meeting?... if so, how did that go? I am always here if you want to talk. I am praying for you and will continue to do so. I really care about you!

 

[Emmy]

Dear Sevensong. In Matthew 22: 35-40: Jesus gives us good advice. " The first and great Commandment is:
Love God with all thy heart, with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. The second is like it: love thy neighbour as thyself." In verse 40 we are told: " On these two Commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets."
God is Love and God wants loving sons and daughters. In Matthew 7: 7-10: we are told: "Ask and you shall receive."
We keep asking for Love and Joy, then thank God and share all love and joy with our neighbour. God sees our loving efforts, and God Blesses us.
The Bible tells us: " Repent and be Born Again," change from being selfish and unloving to love and care, be kind and always use kind and helpful words. People will treat us the same as we treat people, and we will find that we are changing gradually into the men and women, which God wants us to be. We might stumble and forget at times, but then we ask God to forgive us, and carry on be kind and helpful, and give a helping hand if needed.
A Christian`s weapon is Love and Compassion, love will always be victorious. I say this with love, Sevensong.
Greetings from Emmy, your sister in Christ.

 

[Ariel Anguish Dove]

Sevensong just wanted to add another thing? I asked about are you a Christian because you said you were not official a christian? So just wanted to ask about that so i am sorry if i gave the wrong message to you or anyone that i was being rude? So anything confusing i said please let me know and i do pray it helps you!

SevenSong is it okay to ask some questions? Are you wanting to be a Christian? You said you went into the wrong direction being a Christian? I am sorry if i have misunderstood these discussions & did not read properly?

If you cannot afford counseling the best thing is to be in a church that helps you discern between what is God's voice and what isn't? I too have lots of voices in my head because of bad influences and only told i need to renounce it all in Jesus name and it never worked! it also never worked just repenting and repenting because the voices never stopped! I went up for pray healing to rid the voices but it never stopped! I was just getting over obsess with the voices and thinking they are demonic when they are not! So I stop listening to those people who say those voices are spiritual and decided i need better understanding of God's Word! And as I dwelt on what is sound and scripture the voices slowly got replaces by voices of scripture! It really wasn't voices of the devil just my own wrong thought that i've been anxious about over and over again!

What has helped so much is listening to these sermons book by book & verse by verse. If we want to confront the lies then we need authentic Godly preacher who are men to teach us women how! So listen if you can because it really has helped me and I pray it will help you too and everyone reading this!

http://www.gty.org/resources/sermons/scripture/john

False assurance of the religious - these message will always have a huge emotional impact on you because it so rich in the Word!
http://www.gty.org/resources/sermons/43-47/false-assurance-of-the-religious