How to be a healthy man...emotionally

[donnamabob]

Hi there, my husband is struggling with the emotional responses that myself and others have towards him. His father has the emotional capacity of a rock, and therefore he did not model healthy behavior towards him, leaving my husband clueless on how to think/feel/express emotions on a healthy level. He is not able to form deep relationships with anyone because nothing that he shares ever goes below the surface (even with me), and this is putting him in a place where he is not fulfilled in his relationships (friendships and marriage). He's becoming angry and frustrated with others responses to him (like why he only really has "acquaintances", and why I'm feeling a need for more "intimacy"), and he's really struggling to understand himself.

I was wondering if there are any resources available that might help him to understand how a healthy man should function emotionally. I understand that men are not emotional like women, but both he and I agree that his lack of an emotional capacity/ability to express himself is negatively effecting all of his relationships, and leaving him unfulfilled on all kinds of levels.

So, if anyone knows of anything that could help him, we would both really appreciate that.

Thanks so much!

 

[BridgeAcrossCultures]

I am only in my mid-20s, but in many ways I used to be similar. What changed me was little experiences showing me the other side, showing alternatives to my basic life-map.

It wasn't simple for me.

I needed to understand the effects my behaviors had on others, and at the beginning I "experimented" how other behaviors led to a completely different situation.

I don't know resources, but...
I think it is very very necessary that he understands by himself what he does. It is not very practical to show him what to do. He has to experience the change by himself.

One important step could be, since you both know each other quite well, for him to experiment just expressing what he feels all the time, openly, honestly, blankly, and let him see the effect it has on others.
And next time see how that effect changes if he changes that way of expressing himself.

I had the time to do so, and I come from a sociologic/social-sciences background, so probably that makes me enjoy spending time experimenting.
Maybe there are other short-cuts, and probably others will know some better answers.

But you know what's the most important thing?
That he wants to understand. And I think that is almost more important than anything else. You should all be supportive towards the fact that he is willing to understand.

Sometimes not all actions mean a specific intention.

So maybe even if he comes across in a certain way, he doesn't mean it.
Start appreciating/loving him for that first.

 

[MasterpieceMesias]

I'm like that. Emotions really aren't important that much. Also, they're irrational, so I tend to ignore them. There is really no risk of being emotionally compromised and what not. Luckily I don't have to answer to a spouse or a romantic partner for not being 'romantic' enough or whatever.
Lool unfortunately I'm more akin to being a fictional Vulcan than some random human lol

 

[Hospes]

Hi there, my husband is struggling with the emotional responses that myself and others have towards him. His father has the emotional capacity of a rock, and therefore he did not model healthy behavior towards him, leaving my husband clueless on how to think/feel/express emotions on a healthy level. He is not able to form deep relationships with anyone because nothing that he shares ever goes below the surface (even with me), and this is putting him in a place where he is not fulfilled in his relationships (friendships and marriage). He's becoming angry and frustrated with others responses to him (like why he only really has "acquaintances", and why I'm feeling a need for more "intimacy"), and he's really struggling to understand himself.

I was wondering if there are any resources available that might help him to understand how a healthy man should function emotionally. I understand that men are not emotional like women, but both he and I agree that his lack of an emotional capacity/ability to express himself is negatively effecting all of his relationships, and leaving him unfulfilled on all kinds of levels.

So, if anyone knows of anything that could help him, we would both really appreciate that.

Thanks so much!

Does he express his emotions to God? How is his relationship - the most important relationship - with God?

 

[donnamabob]

Does he express his emotions to God? How is his relationship - the most important relationship - with God?

I really have no idea if he does or not. I can't say that I've ever seen him spend "time in prayer" (like in a room alone or anything). I'm inclined to suspect that he does not, but I really don't know.

 

[BFine]

Hi there, my husband is struggling with the emotional responses that myself and others have towards him. His father has the emotional capacity of a rock, and therefore he did not model healthy behavior towards him, leaving my husband clueless on how to think/feel/express emotions on a healthy level. He is not able to form deep relationships with anyone because nothing that he shares ever goes below the surface (even with me), and this is putting him in a place where he is not fulfilled in his relationships (friendships and marriage). He's becoming angry and frustrated with others responses to him (like why he only really has "acquaintances", and why I'm feeling a need for more "intimacy"), and he's really struggling to understand himself.

*Have the two of you checked out marriage counseling in your own area and or church?

Online resource-- The Marriage Course - Explore Alpha Marriage Course | Alpha USA

The Marriage Course... last time I looked it was also available at christianbook.com (if you can't find a local church offering it.)


I was wondering if there are any resources available that might help him to understand how a healthy man should function emotionally. I understand that men are not emotional like women, but both he and I agree that his lack of an emotional capacity/ability to express himself is negatively effecting all of his relationships, and leaving him unfulfilled on all kinds of levels.

*I would dare say it's leaving you unfulfilled as well... truth be told
men are emotional, but the majority of them have been so wounded by expressing those emotions that they keep it all bottled up...which is like sitting on a time bomb...sitting on it won't keep it from exploding! It will surely blow up at any given moment.

So, if anyone knows of anything that could help him, we would both really appreciate that.

Thanks so much!

*Another one to check out is: Weekend To Remember--
Weekend to Remember - Marriage Getaway - FamilyLife.com

 

[mindfulness]

Men are generally less emotional than women, as far as expression goes. That may just be how he is. Women, on the other hand, tend to be extremely emotional, whether good or bad.

 

[donnamabob]

Men are generally less emotional than women, as far as expression goes. That may just be how he is. Women, on the other hand, tend to be extremely emotional, whether good or bad.

Well, it is 'just the way he is' - the problem is that it doesn't work for anyone, and everyone in his life is being negatively effected by it, especially him.

 

[mindfulness]

They do have counselors for that.

 

[paul1149]

I agree with the concept of our relationship with God being the basis for all our horizontal relationships. Therefore how he relates to God will be seminal, and he can build on that.

You also can build on that as a couple by having private prayer time together. As trust is gained in prayer, hearts open up.

I also think a marriage seminar could be a real encouragement, if he is willing.

 

[SamsoniteBaggage]

My wife gets that same way, super depressed and withdraws from everyone, including me.

I kind of think it just might be old age getting to her.

Anyway, what I do is try and slowly poke her with a stick, and then make her laugh, so she forgets about all the bad things.

Have you ever tried humor as a cure?

 

[Hospes]

I really have no idea if he does or not. I can't say that I've ever seen him spend "time in prayer" (like in a room alone or anything). I'm inclined to suspect that he does not, but I really don't know.

Could be worth asking him about it. If he has no real intimacy with God, then his intimacy with others is not the main issue.

 

[donnamabob]

I agree with the concept of our relationship with God being the basis for all our horizontal relationships. Therefore how he relates to God will be seminal, and he can build on that.

You also can build on that as a couple by having private prayer time together. As trust is gained in prayer, hearts open up.

I also think a marriage seminar could be a real encouragement, if he is willing.

Hi there, thanks so much for your response. I agree with that concept as well, and it hadn't occurred to me that it could be lacking in his life. We did talk about this, and it seems he feels he needs to free up more time, which he's going to work on, so that's something. We do have private prayer time together as a couple, which might be why I never thought about how much prayer time he has alone.

He would be willing to go go a marriage seminar, and I'm sure he would think it's a good idea. We'll have to keep our eyes open for one in the area. He really does want to change and be as effective as a Christian/husband/father/person as he can be. He's a wonderful man at heart, he just has to work on getting what's in his heart to surface on the outside.

Thanks again

 

[donnamabob]

My wife gets that same way, super depressed and withdraws from everyone, including me.

Have you ever tried humor as a cure?

He's not depressed, and humor is not a "cure", it's a cover-up.

 

[insurchoftruth]

There are two parts of brain, in every human head, one is emotional, the other is logic.
What happens is, that the emotional part of the brain always reacts to outside circumstances, and our environment surrounding us first. Then, latter on, the logical part of our brain starts to analyse and figure out, what is going on. The reason for that, is there is a shorter time needed for the emotional brain to accept and process the information from the outside world, than the time needed for the logical part of the brain to process information. That is why, we first feel and latter on think about things and situations. And that is why, we first react to our environment emotionally, and then latter on logically.

According to some scientists, our emotional part of the brain called 'amigdala', has the ability to 'switch off' or to 'hijack' our logical part, when we are angry, or when we are feeling stress. The 'amigdala' emotional part of the brain, is made to always scan our environment for danger at any time. It is responsible for our survival mechanism. That is why, in a stressful situation, we do not think, but react by our impulses and somehow, our logical thinking is reduced. Latter on, our logical part of the brain starts to analyse the situation, and finds a logical solution, when we are feeling calmer, and peaceful.


If interested, you can go to Google and search for 'Emotional intelligence', and the 'amigdala hajack', for more information.

But, the most important is that the Bible has a lot to say, about our tongue, our anger, and our negative emotions, especially in Proverbs, and in the Epistle of James, and the other Epistles.

 

[powerpoint]

I was wondering if there are any resources available that might help him to understand how a healthy man should function emotionally. I understand that men are not emotional like women, but both he and I agree that his lack of an emotional capacity/ability to express himself is negatively effecting all of his relationships, and leaving him unfulfilled on all kinds of levels.

There is a UK charity called CHristian Vision for Men, led by a guy I know called Carl Beech. Superb charity which do a lot of great work.

 

[SamsoniteBaggage]

He's not depressed, and humor is not a "cure", it's a cover-up.

It can help to be nice... being nice can be a cure.

I am not sure why you are so sure he is not depressed. What you described of his behavior sounds like depression. If you think depressed people always sit in the dark and cry or something or are even aware they are depressed... they are not. But they show it by this sort of inactivity.

He sounds like he is depressed, those are all the symptoms of depression.

Pot actually can help cover up depression.

 

[cloudstrife007]

It sounds as though his upbringing has had quite an impact on who he is now.

But he seems to be open to making changes.


First things first, as someone already mentioned, work out how his relationship with God is first. God's always going to be at the centre of every Christian's life and their relationships with others.

I think God's love for us through Christ is going to be the most helpful motivation and reminder you can give your husband
If your husband's father was a rock solid emotionless person, then maybe you need to remind your husband that he is not bound by that upbringing any more because he is renewed through the blood of Christ. We are the adopted children of God through Jesus' death and resurrection. And because of this grace and mercy, we can rejoice and be glad in all we do, particularly in our relationships.
Part of this process may involve working out whether your husband still feels tied down by his relationship with his father? (if his dad has the emotional capacity of a rock, much like my own father, then it may have had quite an impact on how he views his relationships with others and how others view him).

keep praying, keep relying on God. Hope it goes well sister