How long after dating should a guy(youre seeing/dating) start thinking about marriage?

[thecolorsblend]

I really think its good to get this advice from not only seasoned christians but those with experience.

I know some guys will keep their woman in girlfriend mode for 3+ years with no intent to marry but just reap the benefits and I feel like that's so wrong-- because you're literally performing for a ring and the ring could never come...the guy could push the date further and further away or worse...break it off...

resulting in simply being used.

So when should a guy propose?

Id really love to hear from guys young and (advanced in years lol)
because you guys know how men operate..(whether they genuinely like a woman or just stringing her along for the goods). I feel if the particular man is certain about
a woman they wouldn't have to waste too much time knowing whether or not they want to be with that particular woman.

So when should a guy think of marriage?

Ive heard some say a year....

any other perspectives?

I don't think there's a single, one-size-fits-all answer for this. I wanted to marry my fiancee the night we first met. She has said she felt the same way. I suppose some people wouldn't be comfortable with that and that's okay.

I suppose the most salient issue is how you feel about it. It's fine for somebody to want to marry you but what do you think is the appropriate amount of time for a discussion about marriage? Some people have really strange and unusual life circumstances where marriage is something that should probably wait a while.

Only you and he can really decide what's right for your particular situation.

 

[S.O.J.I.A.]

why buy when you can download for free?

 

[Newtheran]

So when should a guy propose?

I'd say that somewhere between 9 months - 1.5 years is a more than adequate period of time to get to know someone. Once it gets past the 1.5 year mark, it's pretty clear that a ring isn't coming. Consider too that planning a wedding is probably going to take another 6 months to a year.

 

[Dave-W]

Ok wow. Proposing on date number one. What do you mean you had known her for 4 years? She worked with you? Went to your church? Because that is a heck of a leap from 1 date, to proposal. If you don't mind me prying a bit. I'm just curious what type of relationship you had, prior to that first date.

I just can't imagine proposing on the first date.

LOL!!!!

As a college freshmen i shopped around for a church much of that year, including my wife’s home congregation. They were having a talent contest and I got introduced to her by the youth pastor as her accompanist. So we practiced a few months and went to the contest. She passed the local but was eliminated at the state level. By then I had settled on a congregation and she graduated high school and changed churches to the one I was now attending.

They were very controlling on relationships and forbade all dating. But we were both in the music ministry. When I decided I wanted her to be my wife I talked to the leadership (they had to ok a “courtship”) and they turned me down. We did attend a few group activities and hung out together. I kept on with the leaders, from August until the following February. They finally said go date her. I told them I was going to propose. They just nodded. So I immediately called her up, we met at a restaurant and I asked the question, she said yes.

Total length of time from the elders’ telling me to proceed until she said “yes,” about 45 minutes. One of the shortest courtships on record.

 

[Andrew77]

LOL!!!!

As a college freshmen i shopped around for a church much of that year, including my wife’s home congregation. They were having a talent contest and I got introduced to her by the youth pastor as her accompanist. So we practiced a few months and went to the contest. She passed the local but was eliminated at the state level. By then I had settled on a congregation and she graduated high school and changed churches to the one I was now attending.

They were very controlling on relationships and forbade all dating. But we were both in the music ministry. When I decided I wanted her to be my wife I talked to the leadership (they had to ok a “courtship”) and they turned me down. We did attend a few group activities and hung out together. I kept on with the leaders, from August until the following February. They finally said go date her. I told them I was going to propose. They just nodded. So I immediately called her up, we met at a restaurant and I asked the question, she said yes.

Total length of time from the elders’ telling me to proceed until she said “yes,” about 45 minutes. One of the shortest courtships on record.

LOL!
Ok then! Unique story for sure.

 

[Bible Highlighter]

I really think its good to get this advice from not only seasoned christians but those with experience.

I know some guys will keep their woman in girlfriend mode for 3+ years with no intent to marry but just reap the benefits and I feel like that's so wrong-- because you're literally performing for a ring and the ring could never come...the guy could push the date further and further away or worse...break it off...

resulting in simply being used.

So when should a guy propose?

Id really love to hear from guys young and (advanced in years lol)
because you guys know how men operate..(whether they genuinely like a woman or just stringing her along for the goods). I feel if the particular man is certain about
a woman they wouldn't have to waste too much time knowing whether or not they want to be with that particular woman.

So when should a guy think of marriage?

Ive heard some say a year....

any other perspectives?

I think everyone is different. But for me: When I found "the one," we talked about marriage right away and did not play any games about how we felt about each other, and I agreed to marry her. But I took it slow (5 years of engagement) because I needed to get to know her (Seeing it was a long distance relationship with her living half way on another part of the globe). But I wanted to show that I was interested in her, so I proposed to her when she visited me for the first time in the States (Which was 8-9 months later approximately after we met in person; And I flew out to see her two times already). I couldn't imagine in dragging it out any longer than that. But that is just me. Every guy is different and they are in different circumstances I think. I think you need to throw down the "I will move on if you don't want to marry me" card if you think he is "the one." A serious relationship should involve marriage as the end goal. I would discuss marriage and see if that is something he wants in the future. if not, then it is probably a good indication that he is not thinking of you being "the one" and then you should move on as painful as that may be.

Personally, I would not marry anyone who did not seek to follow Jesus as their Lord. A person's values are not going to be there if they don't put Jesus first in their life. A person can just go with the next girl because they don't have a moral code to live by. They can cheat either with inappropriate content or with another girl. For me: A real relationship has God at the center. If not, then you take the chance on that relationship being doomed by the ways of the world.

Side Note:

Oh, and one more thing. Believers should wait until marriage. It's a blessing in the Lord to wait. Fornication (sex outside of marriage) is condemned in the Bible. Fortunately we can repent (seek forgiveness with GOD) over such things and seek to follow Him. I am so glad that I waited. I believe God blessed us because of this.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

It really depends on the two people.

For example the first two women I was with we didn't plan to get married but we quickly became "engaged". Didn't work out thankfully because they were pretty bad people. The third women we never got engaged, but we only lasted a few months anyways.

Thanks to those situations I realized I needed to change my approach to things. I learned from them. I learned to quit wanting to marry just because "I'm in love!". Because thats a dangerous phase ar first because you are still young and in love and not thinking straight.

So when it came to my wife we asked endless amounts of questions. Nothing was off the table. Even asked "What annoying habits do I need to know about you?", "What are your views on sex in a marriage?", "Is marriage a serious thing to you?", "Do you want to be walked in on when using the bathroom?"...etc.

So on and forth. So after about a month of knowing each other we engaged. And since it would take more then a year (she was overseas) to setup paperwork, wedding...etc, it gave us alot more time to talk and see how things went over time. So in total we married after 1 year and about 2 months.

Now the one thing I want to add is even if you ask every question you can think of, it doens't mean you marry, move in together and things go perfect. Because living with another person, no matter what you talked about, is a new challenge. You may find yourselves squabbling about things as you adjust to each other.

So if your worried about marrying to quick as to avoid issues, issues are inevitable. That said I tend to tell people date for a year at least. If your not asking alot of questions of each other then go for two years. Now if your older you may not need to wait as long. In my case I was 31 and my wife was 27.

 

[Phil.Stein]

I really think its good to get this advice from not only seasoned christians but those with experience.

I know some guys will keep their woman in girlfriend mode for 3+ years with no intent to marry but just reap the benefits and I feel like that's so wrong-- because you're literally performing for a ring and the ring could never come...the guy could push the date further and further away or worse...break it off...

resulting in simply being used.

So when should a guy propose?

Id really love to hear from guys young and (advanced in years lol)
because you guys know how men operate..(whether they genuinely like a woman or just stringing her along for the goods). I feel if the particular man is certain about
a woman they wouldn't have to waste too much time knowing whether or not they want to be with that particular woman.

So when should a guy think of marriage?

Ive heard some say a year....

any other perspectives?

if he's dating u without thinking about marriage, isn't he wasting your time already?

i agree that if he hasn't proposed marriage within 1 - 2 years (the shorter the better), move on. guys can afford to wait to marry, but women have precious few childbearing years. dont waste them waiting for the wrong man.

if he's legitimate at the point u are prepared to leave him (after a year or so), he will propose then.

 

[Ing Bee]

The question of time is far less important than the question of character and intent. My wife and I are part of the pre-marital counseling ministry through our church. We think it is important to connect with couples who are considering engagement since it often becomes difficult for couples to make hard but necessary decisions once finances and public attention are involved.

When I proposed to my wife, I had known her for a year and a day. We worked together, created and performed in a band together, and got to know one another's family and church communities. We both loved the Savior and had the respect of our peers, colleagues and families. Significantly, I had a job and had payed my own bills and lived on my own for years. In a nutshell, my desire to get married was backed up by my capability to build a home and family. We spent time getting pre-marital counseling and input from friends and family. We discussed issues about marriage, children and parenting, and Christian service, use of money. We were married 7 months after our engagement, enough time to plan a simple wedding that included our respective families and church communities.

Here's the phrase I share with young people thinking about marriage:
"Christ-like character is revealed in community."

1. (Christ-like) Marry (and be ) someone who increasingly resembles the self-giving, other-benefitting love of Jesus. (Romans 5:8, Philippians 2:1-11, Hebrews 12:2)
2. (Character) You can see this because of consistent, concrete actions and speech
3. (Community) This character is most clearly viewed over time in a context of other believers who can affirm good character and point out weak areas. Community provides protection, support and guidance.

My questions for you:

1. Does this young man exhibit Christ-like character?
2. Does he have a reputation for honesty, hard work, and kindness?
3. Does he accept responsibility for his actions?
4. Is he capable of providing for you financially (not lap of luxury stuff, but basic needs)?
5. Does your family and/or church community hold him in respectful regard?
6. Have you discussed marriage?

One final note, you mentioned "reaping benefits". Without clarification, I'm guessing that you mean either sexual activity or just the care and attention you might give someone that you are deeply committed to. In either case, it is unwise to be involved with any man who is receiving the benefits of marriage who is yet unwilling to commit to a lifelong covenant of marriage to honor Christ and to serve their wife and family and community.

I agree with you that it is important for a potential groom to take the initiative in self-giving love by risking rejection in order to propose. If there is a clear plan ("I want to finish my degree", "I want to have enough money in the bank for two months rent") then an appropriate amount of time to accomplish that plan before engagement is wise. If there is no such plan, I advise you to discontinue the relationship.

I hope that was clear and helpful.

 

[RestoreTheJoy]

Today was my 35th anniversary.

And in four months, it will be my daughter's second anniversary.

This is what my daughter knows, and I agree:

Christians should "date"--which is to say, have an exclusive unmarried relationship--only Christians and only Christians who are ready for marriage.

"Looking for a mate" should be implicit in the reason why they have entered an exclusive relationship. "Thinking of marriage" should be there from the beginning of an exclusive relationship...and should have been discussed when the exclusive relationship began.

If the man can't say that he's ready for marriage (even if not to you) at the beginning of an exclusive relationship, then he's not ready for an exclusive relationship.

Keep looking.

Your daughter is wise.

You just know, and you know soon. I don't believe this "dating for years" stuff is remotely necessary. The only time it makes sense to me is if someone is finishing education.

 

[CitizenD]

I have no issue with leadership ..I'm just not proposing I don't believe as a woman I should do that. I know how to talk about things that bother me.

Seems like you have your solution! Talk about marriage.