How is this not adultery?

[notgivingup]

so for those of you that have been following my previous thread. You know that my husband and I are separated I'm getting ready to move next month a couple hours away to my hometown where I have found a new job. The reason my husband and I are splitting is because he wants a polygamous life so he can have 50 or more children. He has been on polygamy dating sites emailing women. Well today I found out he's also been texting women and he had a girl's email address in his wallet. When I confronted him about this and asked if they know that he is married he says yes. he has been telling them he is married. I asked him what he told them about me and he said he told one of them my name. I asked him why is he still wearing his wedding ring? He says because we are still married in the eyes of God. I asked him how that can be when he committed adultery by talking to these women knowing that I do not agree with it. he said because he doesn't see it as committing adultery. I am so upset right now I can't stand that he makes it seem like he's being a good husband by staying committed because he doesnt think its committing adultery???!!!
in all honesty I want to prove him wrong I've been doing a Bible study for myself proving to myself that polygamy is wrong and that he is in fact committing adultery against me. does anyone have any advice as far as scriptures go. I know the verse in Matthew 5 saying even to look upon a woman is lust which is adultery. In one of our marriage counseling sessions my husband told the counselor that he only thinks its adultery if a husband is lusting after another man's wife. Ugh!!!!!��
He use to not think that way. He very much believed even lusting after a so!an was adultery. But now its like, OK, so do you think its OK for any man to think sexually of another woman as long as she's not married???!!!

 

[LinkH]

If he doesn't believe polygyny is a sin then he will not consider it to be adultery. A lot of men do not consider talking to women to be adultery, either.

 

[Johnnz]

His values are not Christian. He has abandoned his marriage vows. His sexual desires seem to be dominating his thinking and motivations.

John
NZ

 

[akmom]

Your ex/husband sounds just like Musingsofacac (a former member who adamantly supported polygamy). I guess some people just get an idea into their head and decide that's how they are going to believe. It must be frustrating. But he is so obsessed that he won't acknowledge it's sin.

In the long term he will not find happiness in this lifestyle. No one in the Old Testament ever did. Polygamy was always a source of conflict and betrayal.

 

[LinkH]

In the long term he will not find happiness in this lifestyle. No one in the Old Testament ever did. Polygamy was always a source of conflict and betrayal.

We know there were cases of conflict in polygamous families in the Old Testament. We can't say if other households weren't 'happy.'

Is happiness the primary concern, from the emotional view of happiness, (rather than an Aristotelian perspective.)

 

[Avniel]

I don't know if I believe it's adultery I think it's culturally not accepted. I do believe that monogamy is the best and most loving form of marriage. To clear it up before I'm jumped on I wouldn't pursue polygamy because my wife is my best friend and I don't value people in general on the same level. However there aren't many scriptures that one could use to argue this.

If he wants to be a leader in the church you could use:

Timothy
“3:2 A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, vigilant, sober, of good behaviour, given to hospitality, apt to teach;”

“3:12 Let the deacons be the husbands of one wife, ruling their children and their own houses well.”

Titus
“1:5 For this cause left I thee in Crete, that thou shouldest set in order the things that are wanting, and ordain elders in every city, as I had appointed thee:

1:6 If any be blameless, the husband of one wife, having faithful children not accused of riot or unruly.

1:7 For a bishop must be blameless, as the steward of God; not selfwilled, not soon angry, not given to wine, no striker, not given to filthy lucre;”

 

[Avniel]

Your ex/husband sounds just like Musingsofacac (a former member who adamantly supported polygamy). I guess some people just get an idea into their head and decide that's how they are going to believe. It must be frustrating. But he is so obsessed that he won't acknowledge it's sin.

In the long term he will not find happiness in this lifestyle. No one in the Old Testament ever did. Polygamy was always a source of conflict and betrayal.

I think that is culturally bias I've met Christians in Africa that had more then one wife and they were pretty happy. I know people in different cultures that have pretty happy lives. You can't judge another person's view or interpretation of the bible as being wrong particularly on an issue that isn't as clear as polygamy.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

He's made clear that he's acting in accordance with the lifestyle he wishes to pursue, you've made it clear that you don't agree with it and want out. The rest of it, if he is or isn't committing adultery and the need to prove as much to him... It's about as constructive as arguing about which shade of blue is really more blue. It doesn't matter if he is or isn't, he's made clear what he wants, you've made clear you'll leave if he does it, he has made clear he doesn't care... So... Case closed. You're wasting time and creating needless stress for yourself by arguing this stuff with him.

You're moving away in a month. He's not going to change his mind. Stop stressing yourself out.

And, to be honest, while I don't think what he's doing is OK and I wouldn't stand for my husband doing it, I don't count it as adultery. Crummy, shady, dishonest, manipulative? For sure. But adultery? Not until it crosses that line. And at this point, with you guys separated and filing for divorce, I think even if he were to have a relationship, it'd only technically be adultery in that legally you're still married. However, practically speaking, the relationship is over so he's just doing what he said he'd be doing in accordance with his lifestyle beliefs.

In short... Just let it go. He's doing his thing, you do yours. Worry about you, not proving a point to him.

 

[Odetta]

I agree that you could analyze and bible-study it to death, and it still won't change the fact that he wants a lot of wives, and you want to be the only wife to one husband.

Are you in counseling with a pastor/minister who can help you with the emotional and spiritual sides of this?

 

[notgivingup]

I read Deuteronomy 17:17 which states "Do not multiply wives." Hmm?

Yes I am in counseling.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Its not worth arguing about. Let it go.

 

[Avniel]

I read Deuteronomy 17:17 which states "Do not multiply wives." Hmm? Yes I am in counseling.

Deuteronomy 17:14-17
14 When you enter the land the Lord your God is giving you and have taken possession of it and settled in it, and you say, "Let us set a king over us like all the nations around us," 15 be sure to appoint over you a king the Lord your God chooses. He must be from among your fellow Israelites. Do not place a foreigner over you, one who is not an Israelite. 16 The king, moreover, must not acquire great numbers of horses for himself or make the people return to Egypt to get more of them, for the Lord has told you, "You are not to go back that way again." 17 He must not take many wives, or his heart will be led astray. He must not accumulate large amounts of silver and gold.

It was directed towards the king that's why I said most scriptures are directed towards leadership.

 

[ValleyGal]

Notgivingup, you are still very sensitive to this because you're very newly separated, it's too close all the time, and you still have an emotional investment. Stand by your values. You are angry and hurt because you feel betrayed, and imo, rightly so. Use your hurt and anger to remind you why you are leaving. As hard as it is, it makes leaving easier.

I'm really glad you're in counselling. Hopefully you will be able to work through your betrayal, your grief, and work your way to a profound sense of forgiveness and goodwill toward him - and this can happen without getting back together with him.

 

[sdmsanjose]

does anyone have any advice as far as scriptures go.

Polygamy and adultery in your husband’s case can be sidestepped by your husband. I cannot find any verse in the Bible that absolutly says that polygamy is a sin. Your husband can always say that he does not have lust thoughts or that lust only pertains to aMan lusting after MARRIED women. He can even say that no one knows his thoughts so there fore you can not prove his lust.

The Bible is clear on a husband loving, showing honor, understanding his wife and giving himself up for his wife.

Your husband likes to quote scriptures to back up his desire for intimate and physical affections with other women?

If he really was that committed to scriptures then why does he avoid the scriptures that talk about him loving you , understanding you, and giving up his fantasy for you? Reprinted below are a few scriptures that a person that really was committed to God’s words would take into serious consideration.


Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
1 Peter 3:7



Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave him up for her,
Ephesians 5:25


Your husband is more interested in himself and his fantasy rather than his Christian love for you or for his commitment to God’s word. I think you are doing the best thing under the circumstances by separating from you husband. He is not living up to the standards of the Bible and has severely hurt your emotions by choice. You standing up for your honor and not enabling him are very admirable. Your actions may also help him to start breaking away from his selfishness and his ignoring God’s word


Sooner or later it is likely that he will get a rude awaking about his fantasies. He may even want you back but of course there maybe too much damage done or you maybe able to take him back if that are what you want.

Your are hurting a lot right now so I hope that you can get some support from many sources.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Adultery has to do with sex between a married woman and a guy she isn't married to. Maybe you should tell us how it is adultery?

 

[ValleyGal]

AL, if your wife had profiles on dating websites, texting and emailing other men, and made it completely clear to you that she wanted to have ten husbands - oh, but she loves you....would you feel like she's faithful?

 

[akmom]

I agree with Tropical Wilds. You aren't going to change his mind by showing him verses. I don't see any reason to hold on to a spouse who values an obscure fantasy over his wife's happiness. What future is there in that?

While it doesn't seem that polygamy is an outright sin, it does not seem to be God's intention for marriage (as modeled by Adam and Eve), and is obviously frowned upon (thus unfit conduct for kings and leaders). But it's misconduct that doesn't seem to be a deal-breaker (King David). Perhaps the more relevant verses are Romans 13 and 1 Peter 2, which emphasize that we should obey laws and submit to civil authority as Christians. Polygamy is unlawful in the U.S.

Plus he's probably sterile. If you ever wanted kids, you're better off.

 

[Tropical Wilds]

AL, if your wife had profiles on dating websites, texting and emailing other men, and made it completely clear to you that she wanted to have ten husbands - oh, but she loves you....would you feel like she's faithful?

I guess this is where I wind off from everybody else. I wouldn't feel that my husband were being respectful or honest if he was doing these things, if I told him I'd divorce him if he kept doing it and he kept doing it, I wouldn't see he was invested in the marriage... But I wouldn't call it adultery yet if there was nothing going on physically between anybody. And in this case, where there seperated an on the track to divorce, I'd see what he's doing as in line with what he said he would do, the actions of an all-but-legally-single guy doing what got him his single status in the first place.

 

[Inkachu]

Notgivingup - WHY are you still going and confronting your husband and stirring up the pot? You're separated, you're preparing to divorce, you already know the marriage is over. You need to LEAVE HIM ALONE. Stop snooping around, spying on him, asking questions, digging up dirt, and for heaven's sake, STOP confronting him on these things. What do you possibly hope to accomplish by any of this? You're just taking the knife that's already in your heart and twisting it a little every time you go back and rehash these problems with him. Stop it! Until the time you move out, you need to act as if you live alone. Don't interact with him. Don't look at his computer, his phone, don't listen to his phone calls, don't read his texts. If you've got friends or relatives who are spying on him and reporting back to you, tell them to STOP right now. This marriage is done, and you are doing nothing but hurting yourself at this point.

 

[Inkachu]

I guess this is where I wind off from everybody else. I wouldn't feel that my husband were being respectful or honest if he was doing these things, if I told him I'd divorce him if he kept doing it and he kept doing it, I wouldn't see he was invested in the marriage... But I wouldn't call it adultery yet if there was nothing going on physically between anybody. And in this case, where there seperated an on the track to divorce, I'd see what he's doing as in line with what he said he would do, the actions of an all-but-legally-single guy doing what got him his single status in the first place.

I agree, I wouldn't call it full-blown adultery, but I would definitely call it being unfaithful and betraying my trust and our marriage vows.