How is this not adultery?

[Hetta]

NGU, you have got to try and separate yourself emotionally from this guy. He's told you pretty clearly what he is going to do. I know how much you love him, but at this point you're just hurting yourself.

 

[Avniel]

Polygamy and adultery in your husband's case can be sidestepped by your husband. I cannot find any verse in the Bible that absolutory says that polygamy is a sin. Your husband can always say that he does not have lust thoughts or that lust only pertains to aMan lusting after MARRIED women. He can even say that no one knows his thoughts so there fore you can not prove his lust. The Bible is clear on a husband loving, showing honor, understanding his wife and giving himself up for his wife. Your husband likes to quote scriptures to back up his desire for intimate and physical affections with other women? If he really was that committed to scriptures then why doess he avoid the scriptures that talk about him loving you , understanding you, and giving up his fantasy for you? Reprinted below are a few scriptures that a person that really was committed to God's words would take into serious consideration. Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave him up for her, Ephesians 5:25 Your husband is more interested in himself and his fantasy rather than his Christian love for you or for his commitment to God's word. I think you are doing the best thing under the circumstances by separating from you husband. He is not living up to the standards of the Bible and has severely hurt your emotions by choice. You standing up for your honor and not enabling him are very admirable. Your actions may also help him to start breaking away from his selfishness and his ignoring God's word Sooner or later it is likely that he will get a rude awaking about his fantasies. He may even want you back to you but of course there maybe too much damage done or you maybe able to take him back if that are what you want. Your are hurting a lot right now so I hope that you can get some support from many sources.

I think this is the best approach.

 

[dayhiker]

notgivingup ... It appears that you are reengaging your husband and I'm curious as to why that is?

If you want to prove him wrong, I don't think the poly approach is the one to take.
He is wrong but not for that reason in my opinion. This is what I would do in your situation. I'd ask him if he believes the 2nd commandment, to love your neighbor as yourself. And combine that with what Paul says in Rom.13 that love doesn't hurt your neighbor. I'd say to him I am hurt by what your doing, how is what your doing not breaking the commandment to love people. In this case me!

If you want to go at him from his point of view. If he is going to have more than one wife, shouldn't he love all of his wives and not hurt them. So I'm your 1st wife how are you going to love all your wives when you start out hurting your 1st wife.

 

[notgivingup]

Polygamy and adultery in your husband’s case can be sidestepped by your husband. I cannot find any verse in the Bible that absolutory says that polygamy is a sin. Your husband can always say that he does not have lust thoughts or that lust only pertains to aMan lusting after MARRIED women. He can even say that no one knows his thoughts so there fore you can not prove his lust.

The Bible is clear on a husband loving, showing honor, understanding his wife and giving himself up for his wife.

Your husband likes to quote scriptures to back up his desire for intimate and physical affections with other women?

If he really was that committed to scriptures then why doess he avoid the scriptures that talk about him loving you , understanding you, and giving up his fantasy for you? Reprinted below are a few scriptures that a person that really was committed to God’s words would take into serious consideration.


Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.
1 Peter 3:7



Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave him up for her,
Ephesians 5:25


Your husband is more interested in himself and his fantasy rather than his Christian love for you or for his commitment to God’s word. I think you are doing the best thing under the circumstances by separating from you husband. He is not living up to the standards of the Bible and has severely hurt your emotions by choice. You standing up for your honor and not enabling him are very admirable. Your actions may also help him to start breaking away from his selfishness and his ignoring God’s word


Sooner or later it is likely that he will get a rude awaking about his fantasies. He may even want you back to you but of course there maybe too much damage done or you maybe able to take him back if that are what you want.

Your are hurting a lot right now so I hope that you can get some support from many sources.

thank you I very much like this approach. I went and saw my therapist today and I explained to her what happened and she believes that it's hard for me too emotionally detach because for the next few weeks I will still be living and working near him. I know things will get easier with time and space.I just know he's using the verse about committing adultery is when you divorce your wife so when I asked him how is this not adultery, or even if its not adultery how does he not see this as being wrong and very hurtful and disrespectful towards me, he replied saying I just don't see it that way. So I guess in his eyes as long as he does not divorce me we will still be together and he's not committing adultery.He says we can legally divorced, but we'll always be married in the eyes of God, thats why hes still wearing hus ring. I'm also guessing that's why he's trying to figure out where I live so that he can spy on me and figure out if I have moved on with someone else, therefore releasing him. Which is nowhere near being close to my future plans. It just seems to get more twisted and warpef with each passing day with him. But thank you very much everyone for your opinions and support I really do appreciate it.

 

[Johnnz]

That is very twisted understanding of the scriptures. Biblically adultery is a married person having sex with another. Also, it is presumptuous, and very self serving, for him to allege God is OK with how he sees his (once was) marriage. He has broken his vows.

John
NZ

 

[Avniel]

Did some search for you:

Matthew 19:4-6

4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’[a]
5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?
6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

 

[notgivingup]

Did some search for you:

Matthew 19:4-6

4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’[a]
5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?
6 So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Yes I've brought this up to him many times. I've created an entire Bible study about Gods design for marriage, not polygamy. But he is holding onto 2 Samuel 12:8. He says that's the only verse he's standing on. Ugh.

 

[Inkachu]

NGU, he's in total denial, and you can't "reason" him out of it.

Just curious - has he become involved in any sort of cult or "fringe" type church or religious group? Joined a new group of friends? Maybe online? To sit there and continually smash his wife's heart and feelings over and over, and to say some of the things he does, it isn't just a man who wants to cheat. A man who just wants to cheat will go out and cheat. He's trying to completely restructure his life and belief system. I'm just wondering if something more profound is behind this?

 

[notgivingup]

NGU, he's in total denial, and you can't "reason" him out of it.

Just curious - has he become involved in any sort of cult or "fringe" type church or religious group? Joined a new group of friends? Maybe online? To sit there and continually smash his wife's heart and feelings over and over, and to say some of the things he does, it isn't just a man who wants to cheat. A man who just wants to cheat will go out and cheat. He's trying to completely restructure his life and belief system. I'm just wondering if something more profound is behind this?

no he hasn't joined in a church in fact he hasn't been to church in months the entire time we've been married he's taken me to church 3 times I now go by myself. To my knowledge he hasn't joined any cult. he doesn't have any new group of friends in fact he doesn't really have any friends at all.he told me recently that he used to think about polygamy years ago but he thought it was just something Mormons and Muslims did not Christians. His biggest dream is to have as many kids as humanly possible that's how he sees he will change the world. I'm trying very hard to let go of the idea that I can't change him and I can't reason with him. Its just hard to when someone hurts you this badly and still says that we can legally be divorced but will still be married in the eyes of God and still claiming me as his wife. I just can't stand the idea of him having some sort of power over me or something I don't know. In his mind he's not committing adultery because he's not divorcing me its just crazy.the other night I told him I'm just amazed that he can hurt another human being the way he has hurt me and act like he doesn't care and act like he isnt at fault. He tried to explain himself away by saying he can't change what he wants and how he feels and what else was he supposed to do sit on his hands and stay married to me and not get the life that he wants he said he feels that this was the only way and the only choice he had was to go ahead and pursue this life. And yet he somehow doesn't see this is being wrong.

 

[Hetta]

You will NOT be married in the eyes of God because your then ex husband will be "marrying" - technically or otherwise - a whole bunch of other women as fast as he can. How does he propose to support all of these kids? No, don't ask him that. TBH, he sounds as though he has become slightly unhinged.

You just aren't going to win this argument. His preference, as you know, is for you to "submit" and be wife #1 in his harem. He will fight for that until the day you cut loose and are gone. But he won't fight to be with you, and you alone.

Of course he can change himself. He is choosing not to change himself. And no, he can't see it being wrong because he's obsessed with what he wants to do, and what he wants to do is more important than being with you.

Sorry. Those are hard facts, but they are facts.

I pray for you, I really do and my heart aches for you.

 

[Inkachu]

I agree with Hetta. You aren't going to win the argument. You can't make him see reason. You're only going to be beating your head against a wall by trying. You're going to have to let him go and let God handle him.

And NO you will NOT still be married "in the eyes of God" to a man who has betrayed you and is willing to commit adultery!

I wonder if he'd be so keen on having "as many kids as possible" if he were saddled with the sole responsibility of caring for them. No doubt he assumes his many "submissive" wives will handle that, and he'll just be revered and worshipped for the seed-giving life-creator that he imagines himself to be. I bet if he spent one flippin' day changing a few dozen diapers and listening to his fifty precious little ankle biters screaming non-stop, he'd suddenly re-think his position lol.

Ugh. *shudder* It just REEKS of arrogance on every level!

 

[notgivingup]

I agree with Hetta. You aren't going to win the argument. You can't make him see reason. You're only going to be beating your head against a wall by trying. You're going to have to let him go and let God handle him.

And NO you will NOT still be married "in the eyes of God" to a man who has betrayed you and is willing to commit adultery!

I wonder if he'd be so keen on having "as many kids as possible" if he were saddled with the sole responsibility of caring for them. No doubt he assumes his many "submissive" wives will handle that, and he'll just be revered and worshipped for the seed-giving life-creator that he imagines himself to be. I bet if he spent one flippin' day changing a few dozen diapers and listening to his fifty precious little ankle biters screaming non-stop, he'd suddenly re-think his position lol.

Ugh. *shudder* It just REEKS of arrogance on every level!

I completely agree. He has become very arrogant self centered selfish. He has become so blind to the truth because he wants this life so bad he doesn't care that he is betraying me he knows that he is destroying me and he doesn't even care. He had the nerve to ask me the other night if there was a way he could have destroyed me easier and not as painful to me. Then he said nevermind that was a stupid question sorry.I've never known someone to be this greedy wanting something he doesn't even have yet and willing to throw away everything we have. Ugh!!!!!!

 

[ValleyGal]

I would like to address the issue of being married "in the eyes of God" a little more thoroughly so you can understand why these women are saying you will not be married after you are divorced.

In the OT, God set out law for Israel. The law included concessions for divorce, rendering a couple no longer married. God himself provided faithless Israel (iirc in Jer. 3) with a certificate of divorce. He then pursued Judah, but found her even more idolatrous than Israel. He ended up taking Israel back.

If God still considers people married after they are divorced, why would God say a divorce certificate is required? There is a legal agreement to enter into marriage (covenant) and there is a legal agreement to exit marriage (divorce certificate). God does not consider you married once the legal proceedings have ended and you receive a certificate of divorce. In fact, my understanding is that a Jewish certificate of divorce actually read "You are free to marry any man."

Here is a site that you might find encouraging and helpful:
Book Excerpt! Excerpts Regarding Divorce, Remarriage, Submission, Interracial Marriage and Relationships.

 

[akmom]

TBH, he sounds as though he has become slightly unhinged.

He sounds very unhinged.

No doubt he assumes his many "submissive" wives will handle that, and he'll just be revered and worshipped for the seed-giving life-creator that he imagines himself to be.

Perhaps. But he's more than likely sterile, which means that his many wives will have to take on other husbands, to supply the "seed" element. These donors will probably take on the financial support too. Eventually he'll be done pretending to be dad, stop associating with his pseudo-wives, and pursue some other cultish fantasy.

What do his parents think of his weird pursuits?

 

[notgivingup]

What do his parents think of his weird pursuits?

his parents are divorced he's close with his mom and I am as well. I've only interacted with his dad a couple times. He's not very close to his dad they had a strained relationship growing up his dad always called him a failure good for nothing that kind of a dad. He has not told his dad yet and his mom doesn't think it's her place to tell his dad. His mom says that he doesn't deserve me that he's taking me for granted and he will wake up one day and regret it all. She thinks he needs psychological help but of course he won't go. She has been very understanding on my side during this whole ordeal.

 

[Inkachu]

OK, I like his mom. I would keep in touch with her, maybe. She might be a great support to you during this tough time. I'm glad you've got someone besides us, someone who knows you and your husband, who sees it like we do!

 

[If Not For Grace]

If he took the standard vows of forsaking all others, his actions violate those vows.

It does no good to "prove" another's sin (we have all sinned and it is not measured). It does behoove you to move on and put this behind you.

Sometimes the first step in forgiveness is to just recognize the other person is in the dark (perhaps even stupid : ) ) to try and justify or rationalize their carnal desires. Follow your path, you seem to have made all the right moves so far. May God continue to direct your path.

 

[notgivingup]

If he took the standard vows of forsaking all others, his actions violate those vows.

It does no good to "prove" another's sin (we have all sinned and it is not measured). It does behoove you to move on and put this behind you.

Sometimes the first step in forgiveness is to just recognize the other person is in the dark (perhaps even stupid : ) ) to try and justify or rationalize their carnal desires. Follow your path, you seem to have made all the right moves so far. May God continue to direct your path.

I brought it up to him about the vow to forsake all others and his response was, it says in the bible we're not suppose to say vows, but rather let our yes be yes and our no be no. Its like he's got a smarty answer for everything so he can be right 😤

 

[Hetta]

But he is not keeping his yes as a yes - he has turned his yes into a no.

But I don't think you're going to win these arguments. He has probably practiced them for a long time. That doesn't make them right.

 

[notgivingup]

But he is not keeping his yes as a yes - he has turned his yes into a no.

But I don't think you're going to win these arguments. He has probably practiced them for a long time. That doesn't make them right.

I know its just so hard to let go. especially when my situation is so weird it makes me feel very isolated and alone. like today we were in the office together and he kept walking away to look at his phone and I figure he's probably looking for text messagesfrom other women. He says he's only been talking really in depth with one woman. I asked if they are exclusively dating and he says no I haven't even talked to her on the phone yet. The fact that him and i are even discussing him talking to other women its just so weird.