How do you know?

[JillLars]

How do you know that you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone? I don't want to be argumentative, but there have been a lot of posts latlely implying that you can't be sure you're going to spend your life with someone until you get married. To me this seems like faulty logic, because after all, marriage is a promise, and if you can't trust promises before marriage then how could you trust them after (or the very promise of marriage for that matter). I would just like to start a discussion on this to help me understand why people think this. Is it possible for two people to be fully committed to one another without being married? Is it possible for two people to be fully committed after marriage if they doubted their committment beforehand? Just a couple of questions I had.

 

[Katty]

The thing that I just want to say is that marriage isn't just a promise. A promise has its boundaries and can be easily broken without anything that binds you. Marriage is a vow. A vow is more than a promise... its a SOLEMN commitment to God Himself. I don't doubt that you can't be committed to someone you're not yet married to, but full commitment is marriage. We as beings like to know and be sure of whats to come, but honestly, if God is who He claims to be, He knows more than we do, no matter how "sure" we are that we'll be with this person. God has a funny way of working sometimes... He's able to flip things around and mostly likely than not, ok, scratch that, its ALWAYS meant to teach us that we aren't the ones in control. I believe that if God is truly the foundation of a relationship and a marriage, yes its possible to be fully committed after marriage if they "doubted" their commitment beforehand. Nothing can be counted on as a "SURE" thing unless God makes it so. Bottom line, trust God and let Him do the planning. He's the author of our lives and He writes our story and illustrates it. We don't.

God bless,
~Katty~

 

[JillLars]

A promise has its boundaries and can be easily broken without anything that binds you. Marriage is a vow. A vow is more than a promise... its a SOLEMN commitment to God Himself.

If this is correct, then how come 50% of marriages end in divorce?

We as beings like to know and be sure of whats to come, but honestly, if God is who He claims to be, He knows more than we do, no matter how "sure" we are that we'll be with this person.

How can you be sure after marriage then, or how can you be sure that the person you marry is actually the person God intended you to be with?

I hope you don't think I'm attacking your post, you have a lot of very good points, but I have a lot of questions still, thank you very much for responding!

 

[Katty]

No offense taken

If this is correct, then how come 50% of marriages end in divorce?

This is the shape our society is in. Sad but true. I wonder the same thing, but at the same time, if marriages were built upon the foundation of Christ, we wouldn't have statistics like that, would we?

How can you be sure after marriage then, or how can you be sure that the person you marry is actually the person God intended you to be with?

We can't be "sure", but this is where we evaluate how closely we walk with Him and how much we trust Him. Its also how willing we are to really seek His face and His desires than our own. When it comes down to it, it has little to do with our significant other, rather than ourself. Its between ourself and God. If we do truly seek His will and the desires of His heart, He places desires upon our hearts that are His. How willing are we to trust God to put things into place? If He asked us to sacrifice that part of us, would we be willing to do it? It's harder to actually do it than say. I've been there... but with obedience comes rewards. Before we can be committed to someone, we have to know how closely we're walking with Him and how devoted and committed we are to Christ.

~Katty~

P.S. I hope you don't think I'm attacking you now or even judging your views.

 

[Katty]

Also if you feel that this is God's will, more power to ya God bless you!

~Katty~

 

[JillLars]

Hey Katty, thanks so much for responding! I think you have a really good point, we all need to seek God in our relationships, I think if more people did that within marriage then we wouldn't have such a problem. I don't think many people seek God before they are married which could also be a problem. I do know that there are people who are committed who have sought God in their decision, which is why they feel so sure about their decision. (haha, I'm not talking about myself or anything)

Thanks so much for responding!

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

I think of marriage as a covenant, not just a vow or promise. Why covenant?

God made two major covenants in the Bible. One in the Old Testamant, one in the New. The new one is with Jesus Christ. It involves grace, a relationship with Him and everlasting life (wow! awesome, isn't it??). Many times are believers called the "bride of Christ". So I see how marriage is binding, because believers are to be with Christ forever. That's why I see it as a convenant. Coventant means "A binding agreement; a compact".

I think marriage is the ultimate step to show how much you love a person. You are entering a binding relationship with them, one that's not suppose to end. Promises can be broken. But covenants aren't suppose to (unfortunately, they do).

 

[JillLars]

How does a promise become a covenant? Does a promise become a covenant when it is made before God? I guess I could see how it would be more serious to say "God, I am going to stay with this person for life" than to tell the other person "I am going to stay with you for life" I think both are neccessary, and many people miss the telling God part, even after they get married. Does that make sense? Thanks for responding Lizzi!

 

[YouthPastor]

Marriage has been cheapened in the last 50 years or so.

The reason there are so many divorces is because we are a society where a comitment is good only as long as you want to be there. too many people do not take their vows seriously. To too many people, marriage is not a covenant - it is a ccontract which means when there is a violation of the cantract - you can then leave. Whereas a covenant - can nto be broken.

 

[JillLars]

I agree youth pastor! Do you think that relationships as a whole have been cheapened to make people doubt one another's promises, and make others doubt people's committments?

 

[JahRawks]

I agree with YP also, marriage has most definatley been cheapened over the last 50 years or so, and unfortunately, marraiges inside of the church even have some of the same problems marriages outside of the church have. I think it's quite possible though, to be commited completely to a person before you marry them, because, at least for me, I've only been in a relationship once, which happens to be my current relationship, and I never, NEVER compromised on what I wanted in the person I was dating, and I think that God brought her to me, and as far as I can tell, she's the one I'm supposed to marry, I really believe that God brought her to me, and I also believe that God helped me to wait for her so that my commitment to her would be a complete commitment to her and to no other girl, yes, I've had crushes, some that I've even acted on, but I think God always had in mind for me to wait, to never compromise on the girl I want, so that my first relationship would be a lasting relationship. Hope this helps. God Bless-
Fysch(fish)

 

[katelyn]

I think part of the reason divorce is so prominent, specifically in Christian marriages, is that people think that if they pray about it and believe that God has led them to the "right" person, that that's all they need to do to have a successful marriage, and they can stop worrying about divorce at that point.

But, marriage is a LOT of work!! Even in a relationship where you are with the "right" one. If you take your eyes of Christ, or don't work to be a kind, patient, forgiving person, putting the needs of your spouse before your own needs, and always communicating, you will have problems in your marriage!

Conflict is basically inevitable in marriage. It's a union of two imperfect people. I think people expect marriage to be easy. But if you aren't always working to keep your marriage healthy, sooner or later your marriage is likely to end up in a sad state, where maybe you don't even know how you got to this point, or why you got married in the first place!

 

[mina]

Like has been said, marriage is a covenant. A deep life committing promise not only to each other , but before God and before a body of believers. You are promising before God and others that you will be with and help this other person for life. I also agree that marriage has been cheapened over the years, not only in secular society but also in the church. Many people rush into marriage because they want the attention, romantic feelings, sex, etc. They don't really stop to think of the enormous decison they are making, and the enormous work it takes to keep a marriage working. Marriage takes work, and too many people today do not stop to think about what a tremendous decsion and lifestep this is. Marriage should not be taken lightly. I think we must really carefully consider the person we want to marry. Too many people have jumped into relationships with just whoever because they were lonely or whatever. If you want to stay with someone forever, put thought into who you choose, and honor God and the other person in all areas of your relationship.

 

[mina]

Also just to add something else ( i know i'm being long) I think that good relationships are about respect and loving someone more than your self. Not that you put them on an unatainable pedestal. But that you put the other person and their good before yourself and your selfish wants. I am not married but the man I would want to marry would be someone that respected me and honored me enough (and honored God and his word enough) to treat me with care. And I would be willing to honor and respect him enough to treat him better than myself. I would also want a man that wanted to make a commitment to me and be so proud of me that he wanted everyone to know that he was making a commitment to me. Anyways i guess i'm saying all that to say this: If someone isn't respecting you or treating you with respect in regards to God and his word, then staying 2gether 4ever seems pretty shaky. You might stay together but it won't be as good as it could have been. True love is wanting God's best for that other person always!

 

[YouthPastor]

I agree youth pastor! Do you think that relationships as a whole have been cheapened to make people doubt one another's promises, and make others doubt people's committments?

Yes - I think relationships have also been cheapend. Basically, in today's society your word means nothing, which means there is a lack of integrity. The Bible says that we should keep our word, even if to our own hurt.

But we don't. Our society has taught that when tough times come - leave. If your spouse "no longer does it for you" go find someone else.

When our word, as a society, means nothing, that mentallity is instilled into our minds and makes us question everyone - even those that are close to us.

The whole dating, male-female,marriage concept/relationship has been brought done into the gutter. Women have become sex objects (and alot of the willinginly - just look at the revealing way alot of girls dress).

Dating came into being in the early part of this century (1920's) With the industrial revolution - people moving to the cities, cars - it enabled two people to be alot more "private" or alone. Parental approval started to be less important - and courtship - or "caling" on a girl previously was only done with the intension of marriage - now it was just to "be a couple".

Dancinig went from being a "group" event - to being couple oriented, allowing guys and girls to really experience the physical closenes that was not allowed previously.

The 50's - 60's dating became ingrained in our culture, dating made it's way into the Jr. High schools. male and female relationships now started in middle school instead of high shool or college. Also what really gave dating a big push was the whole counter culture thing that encouraged youth to define themselves differently than their parents.

In the late 1800's it could take up to 10 years to "find" your spouse, even though that person was normally among your group of friends, people in your :neighborhood" that you went to church with etc...

Dating & rating started in the 50's - 60's - where competition came into play. Those that could afford to "shower" a girl with "things" had a better chance of getting the popular girls than the guy who could not afford to bestow the girl with all the gifts.

So with dating being the thing to do, where generally speaking, there is no "committment" long-term wise - and it being more of a "trial and error" way of finding a spouse - it brought along with it, rejection, feelings of inferiority etc... Not to mention sexual promescuity (sp?)

dating also helped to cheapen relationships and "commitment" - A guy tells a girl, I love you and will be with you always. But then the relationship ends - you see enough of that and it affects your trust in a persons word. After all, you've heard it before - what makes you any different.

Anyway - I will stop rambling now.. I think the way we have approached relationships with the opposite sex - needs to be re-thought. As a whole, christians pursue a spouse the same way the world does (except we put God in there somewhere). we sould be differnt. Why should we date the same as the world does - when it is the world's system that has cheapend the male-female relationship.

 

[DaveKerwin]

Marriage is a comittment made real, binding, true.

 

[Lizzi4Christ]

Covenant in the sense of the Bible, has been something that's meant to last. It's binding. It's stronger then just a promise.

What makes a promise turn into a covenant when it comes to relationships? Marriage. I know it seems like I'm running around in circles with this. Since marriage is a covenant, then it's showing the seriousness the lastingness. Marriage was seomthing that wasn't meant to be broken. Two people become one in marriage. With dating and engagement, I don't think there's that binding that God meant there to be.

 

[Godzman]

I guess you just know right

 

[PegasusOnFire]

Hmmm, I feel that marriage is not just a commitment made to your spouse, but it is also made to God and your future family. I have been friends with my fiancee for 10 years now, but it wasn't until he went off to the NAVY that God finally opened my eyes to show me what I was missing with out him in my life. I really feel that when God wants you to marry, he will 1) bring the right person to you, the person that he knows you will be with the rest of your life, and 2) he will bless your relationship with that person. You just have to remember who it was that brought you two together. You need to keep Him at the center of your relationship. Daily bible study with your spouse/significant other will help you to remember to keep God at the center. You also need to be in prayer for eachother everyday, even if you want to maim the other person, pray for them.

 

[SqueakyGerbil]

I think one reason for the high rate of divorce in this day and age is because there are a lot of people who have unreal expectations of what Marriage is. I have one friend (who has been my friend since we were four) who got married about 4 years ago now and I remember her telling me before the ceremony on how wonderful marriage was going to be and how it was going to make everything happy.
Marriage, truth be told, is hard work. It isn't always easy, it isn't always happy but the end result it worth the work if both the man and woman work at it. My mother told me that there were many times that if she didn't see Marriage as a lifetime commitment that she would have packed her bags and walked away.
Also a lot of marriages are "what can be done for me" instead of "what can I do for my spouse and God". This selfish way of thinking causes people to decide to run at the first sign of trouble. People didn't always think that way.