How do you know if they are your friends or not?

[Foofish]

Ok, I've been kicking around this notion since I've reapproached the church through the Alpha program, which is an introduction course to Christianity. At the program, I've made several "good friends" and have been socializing with them for the past year. They are great people and have been most kind and caring. However, I always wonder whether they are doing this because they want to or because they should (as Christians).

Often, I wonder would these people be my friend outside of the Church? I am guessing no, since until church came along, I don't think I would have ever crossed path with these people. I mean these peopel are successful, smart, and good looking people in NYC. This is of course in addition to who far along they are in their faith. Even if we were in a party together, I doubt there would be much in common between me and them to have a social chit-chat.

My concern is that these people are nice to me because that's what Christians do. I truly want these people to be my friends, but the skeptical side of me keeps telling me that maybe I am just a trophy for these people. It is almost like being the loser in a successful team and everyone wants to help out of sympathy.

I realized I never had to question my friends in the past because things are quite clear. I know where I stand with my existing true friends because we have known each other for years. I know they are my friends because they chose to and for no other reason. But in a Christian community, it seems the "love" is somewhat mandated. As such, I find it very difficult to not keep keeping distance from these new friends.

Honestly, I do want to have these friends. But not if I am a token/burden to them. And trying to explain this dilemma to them would probably just yield a standard "don't be silly, we like you" answer.

Anyone want to shed some light on this matter or just slap me back to reality?

I know I tend to overanalyze things, but I just can't help it.

 

[brettnolan]

First of all, the love IS mandated. "Love your neighbor as yourself." Doesn't say anything about liking your neighbor. That makes them your "true" friends because they are your friends in Christ...assuming they are really Christians. You would find out their true motivations in your time of need. Hopefully, they would never be put to that test.

Now if you want to now whether they really "like" you or not, ask them to your place for dinner, or a party (Super Bowl, Final Four, etc.), or just ask them to do stuff outside of church. You'll have to be understanding of their schedules.

I don't know your friends' situations, but in my case, all my church friends are married with kids and I am recently divorced. So they aren't gonna just invite me to every little gathering they have, and I wouldn't want to go to a lot of them anyway. Just keep looking for people in your church to hang out with. Some churches are very "clique-y," like high school. If you don't fit into those cliques, consider looking for a new church, or bring your other friends to church with you. If you go to a smaller church, you might also consider a new one (not necessarily bigger, just different).

I hope this helps. Bottom line...if someone loves you, let them, and love them back.

 

[Foofish]

That's sort of the problem. They have invited me to things outside of church, but I just can't seem to get over that they may be doing it because it is the Christian thing to do. And your point about a friend in need is true, but I am not sure I want to test people or be a burden to them even if I do have a need.

I guess ultimately, how do you know if they are doing it because they want to or because it is Christian? Or is this a moot point?

 

[sawdust]

That's sort of the problem. They have invited me to things outside of church, but I just can't seem to get over that they may be doing it because it is the Christian thing to do. And your point about a friend in need is true, but I am not sure I want to test people or be a burden to them even if I do have a need.

I guess ultimately, how do you know if they are doing it because they want to or because it is Christian? Or is this a moot point?

Ultimately Foofish, you don't know, but that's not the problem. The problem is you need to trust Jesus not your friends (real or imaginery). I know it's not easy and if they turn out false it can lead you right into a "bucket full of pain". (and no-one wants to be hurt) But you're not their judge and you have to let them be who they are (for good or bad) just as you would want to be accepted as you are. I have a saying ..."hope for all things but expect nothing". I find it generally stands me in good stead. If they turn out false the loss is theirs and you can do nothing about it. However, if you turn out false, now then you will only have yourself to blame. I don't say that to be hard on you it's just the way it is. It seems to me that loyalty is an important virtue to you for which I highly commend you. My suggestion Foofish is stop worrying about life and start living it! It can be a scary "rollercoaster" at times and at other times a "merry-go-round". However the ride runs, with your focus on Christ, I promise it will never be boring.
take care

 

[brettnolan]

I agree with everything sawdust said. I would have said it myself, but it's always easy to tell someone "not to worry." For some, it's easy not to worry, for others it's next to impossible.

How did you know your "existing true friends" were true until you had "known them for years?" Just take the time, even if they turn out not to be true, nothing is lost. You will have learned a valuable lesson. Namely, Christians aren't perfect either.

"Friends are friends forever if the Lord's the Lord of them." - MW Smith

 

[Foofish]

Thanks for the feedback. What sawdust said about just living life and not worry about makes sense, I guess. But as brettnolan said, I do tend to worry, almost for the sake of it. I guess I am so used to being weary of people that I find it hard to believe people can be nice without ulterior motives. That's what you get for being suspicious all your life. Guess that's sort of like looking a gift horse in the mouth, huh?

But I do wonder if I am the only one, or if everyone goes through this when they first enter the Christian world....

 

[sawdust]

But I do wonder if I am the only one, or if everyone goes through this when they first enter the Christian world....

I highly doubt you are the only one but I don't think everyone goes through it either. Some people are naturally trusting and some are not. I think finding the balance between the two is helpful. (I know, easier said than done! ) Let me give you something practical to work with.

Scenario: A Christian friend invites you out to the movies. You think "are they inviting me to be nice or do they really want my company". Take that thought and show it to God (in your head) saying "I don't trust them Lord but Your promise is 'to work all things for good to those who love You' so I'm taking Your Word on the matter."
Now that's just an example. In each case state your thought or feeling to God first, then claim whatever promise He has made to counter it and stand by that promise no matter what. Now I'm inclined to say "trust me" this really works but under the circumstances maybe I'll just say "it works".
take care Foofish

ps. I'm quite serious about this but it takes real discipline. If you are serious too give yourself one month of practice and see if there is any difference. Let me know the outcome.

 

[SpiritPsalmist]

Well, I can only answer for myself here, but I very rarely do anything "just" because I'm supposed to. I try to get involved in the lives of others out of love for God and love for them and really wanting to know and be a friend to them.

My advise. . .don't read more into than that. Just accept their friendship and allow the relationship to grow.

 

[faerieevaH]

It's an interesting question you ask foofish. Perhaps indeed they invite you at first, because it is the Christian thing to do. I think it's like being a new member of a basket ball team. You don't know anyone yet. The others have been friends for years, yet they invite you to the social things and the birthdays anyway. Why? Because they are your friends? Perhaps not. Perhaps not YET. But probably because they want to have the chance to BECOME your friends.

Some of these people will turn out to be great friends. People that you connect with. Others will become 'mere acquaintances'. People that you like, or learn to love in the christian way, but not people that you share your personal problems with, or your hobbies and interests.

I think it's a matter of ehm... potential friends. And just as you don't know yet if they are real friends, they don't know if you will become a real friend to them either.

 

[HumbleBee]

How do you know if they are true friends? You will know them by their fruit, their character! A good tree bears good fruit, a bad tree bears bad fruit. Tiz a blessing they inviting you to activities outside of church...that speaks volumes as to their sincerity! Plus how do you feel, when you are with them, included or otherwise? If you feel welcome there, then make the most of these fellowship opportunities and bloom where God has planted you!

Certainly does take muchhhhhhhhhh time to build trust and a long lasting relationship! Would make sense that as you are true with them, they will be to you! You will reap what you sow!