How do you feel about being single?

[AlexeiKaramazov]

I know what you mean. It often feels wrong to desire a spouse and we are fed these lies by satan and others around us, that tell us we are less spiritual, less trusting in God, or something to even desire such things. For those of us, where that is the strongest desire of our heart, deeper than anything else we could ever hope for on this earth other than to grow closer to God, it's hard because you feel like you have to pretend to be fine in your singleness.

Another lie I've been fed for years by satan, is that everyone else deserves a spouse more than me, that he will provide for everyone else but not me. The fact that you think we all have better attitudes and deserve it better than you is also a lie! I can't tell you how many once single and unhappy friends I have prayed for and hoped for and believed with, that are now married. And I would tell myself, well they are older than me, or have been waiting longer, or something. How dare I desire a spouse. They should get one first. Now it seems the friends way younger than me are also having that prayer answered and getting married and I'm so happy for them, especially those I've seen go through heartbreak after hearbreak.

But when age isn't a legitimate execuse or the length of one's singleness, then I've found myself in the past comparing myself to others who are married (I don't advise you do this!) and wondering what they have that is different than me, or what they did different. Did they have a better upbringing? Are their parents still married vs. from broken homes? Were they more content with their singleness before marriage? Were they stronger in their walk with God? Were they more attractive? Were they better people? More loved by God/ More worthy or deserving in some way? Perhaps their relationships with God were weaker than mine or they were weaker than me and God felt they needed a spouse to strengthen them? Did they do something different in the way they met? Did they pray something different? Did they want it less? Did they want it more?

After all these questions, I've found that, it still doesn't add up. Lots of my married friends still have issues in marriage, still struggle in their relationships with God, and none of them fit the same criteria. It seems their is no logical reason as to why they are married and I am not. So it has to be one of those things beyond my grasp. But the only thing that makes sense to me is that I have more healing to do and need to grow into a wholer and better person. Of course, that isn't a conclusion I was able to come to by comparing to others because I know many people who need a lot more healing than me and have a lot of work to do on themselves who are married. All I can say, is there must be a specific reason why God needs me to work on these things now, before I am married.

I feel like I'm rambling now. I hope that made sense.

I think if you look at the number of marriages amongst non-Christians, and even the number of happy marriages (yes, I believe non-Christians can have happy marriages), you can conclude that marriage is not something that God only uses to reward good Christians. So in that sense there is no spiritual rhyme or reason to it, and I would go so far as to say there are far more superficial reasons why many people who so desire to be married (such as myself) are not. I would count looks and personality amongst these reasons. I don't think it's an unfair assumption to make that those factors are very important to most people when choosing a mate.

This leaves one to wonder about God's role in all of this, and just how much he leaves us to do for ourselves. I've heard enough stories to make me believe that some people were very specifically drawn together...and I've heard enough stories to know that other people seem to have come together just by random in situations which could've occurred between any two people at any time. So I don't know what to make of that.

 

[joanna1]

well then that's your problem.. it's all about me, me, me... it isn't "simplifying" the problem, it's merely the Truth, and sometimes the Truth hurts and its difficult and uncomfortable.. and people can't accept it. And people struggle, including myself. So once you've let go of the "Woe is me" attitude, you may finally make some progress.

So you believe that all pain resulting from singleness can be overcome by some form of spiritual exercise? I don't think that's the truth.
And I also think that accusing people that suffer of not doing enough "spiritual exercise" is a bit presomptuous. As Paul said, God didn't take away his thorn in the flesh. He left it there and it never stopped hurting. However that didn't stop Paul living for God either. Saying "poor me" isn't a good idea - acknowledging pain is better than living in denial though. I'm not claiming to suffer more than anyone else in the world, and i'm certainly not considering i deserve anything from god. However i'm in pain and asking for his mercy. And i refuse to admit to not being focused on God sufficently, or not giving enough time to others just to please you because I know both those things to be thouroughly untrue.

 

[mina]

I just realized that with some, it appears that the desire for a mate has become an "Idol" in their Christian walk.. don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with desiring marriage..

I think that if you love God with your whole heart, then you are careful not to let anything become an idol in your life- including marriage. I'm sure there are many people out there that do this very thing and make marriage some kind of idol or trophy to be obtained and worshiped. but not everyone who feels a deep desire to be married does that.


Anyways back to the lies. I've been thinking about this and I think a BIG lie of satan that is sometimes evident on the singles forum here is that we all think we have to fit the happy singles mold to ever be rewarded by God. Marriage is not a reward. God doesn't hand out marriage to people He thinks "deserve" it. I think oftentimes instead of building up people who struggle or desire something good, we point fingers or think smugly "thank heavens I'm content and I'm not like that person who desires marriage- what a horrible person, they must not be right with God". I do believe this sort of attitude can also be reversed and applied the opposite way. But it causes distension so I'm inclined to believe it's from satan. For a long long time I was happy being single and I was very content, it frustrated me to hear people talk about how they wanted a mate. I just wanted to shake them and say "Why can't you just be content?", or I though of them as a weak person. Well lots has changed in my life and it has changed my point of view. I've gotten to know more people and I've seen that often what we think is the right way doesn't always work in real life. I know lots of good Christians, who are good looking, sweet, confident, who have amazing ministries, who are single- some of them content in that, some of them not. Likewise I know many married Christians who are nominal christians , who believe and testify that God brought them together who have nothing to do with God except church on Sundays. Life is a humbling experience- often things don't work out, often we don't find answers that satisfy us, often when we think we know the answers to everyone else's problems we don't. I guess what i'm saying is that many times people feel passionate about their desires, but it doesn't mean they have made an idol out of it. JMO

One thing I have always wanted is for an older Christian lady to not despise me b/c i'm 27 and still not married, but to ask me how things are going and truly care about my answer, then pray with me about my future husband and about both of us listening to God to be able to recognize each other when the time came. I do that on my own, but sometimes I would like support with that from a fellow believer. It's a lot easier to not be discouraged when you have the body of Christ helping you and not condeming you. Usually i've noticed when people bring up singleness and struggles and desires, it sometimes gets ugly.

God's word says that He notices and cares about each sparrow that falls. and how much more are we worth to Him than sparrows. I truly believe that God cares about our desires and what we struggle with and what goes on in our lives. I say this not in a narcissistic way- because I don't believe that God owes us anything, I don't believe He'll bend over backwards for us when it's not good for us. But I say this because God loves us, He does notice us and choose to be involved in our lives, He chooses to care for us and about us. Learning to trust in perfect trust on our end is hard. So when people are frank about their struggles, I'm more inclined to believe that encouraging them with truth is a lot better than telling them some Sunday school speech that sounds good and biblical but really has no substance to it. I would encourage the OP to give good and solid Biblical advice, not something that you read in a book on singleness and it sounded really good and had a bible verse tacked on to it so it must be right. I've been to single's conferences in the past and a lot of times I leave frustrated by the fluff and not much good applicable things I can use in my life. If I don't believe my desires are bad or that they are hindering my relationship with Jesus or His relationship with me, then "just get over it and be content" doesn't help much.

 

[Musician4Jesus]

I think it's really irritating when ppl say that the reason you're not receiving an opportunity with romance is because you're not content with being single. That is the biggest crock I've ever heard. Who's to say we're not content with being single? Sure we are, but there are many parts to being single that aren't fun at all. Being lonely for one thing. Then, you see many people around you becoming involved in romances, and then seeing this desire you have in your heart fulfilled. That really hurts, seeing this desire you have for a godly mate becoming fulfilled and then
you're still not having any success romantically; sorry, but when that occurs, it hurts.

 

[Musician4Jesus]

That bothers me also. People who reject you because you're still single and they're married. So they feel like you can't relate and you don't know anything about love? This is why it bothers me when ppl exalt relationships with other ppl to this stature of grandeur. Let's see, our love is selfish and conditional. Sometimes, we don't care that we hurt ppl so long as we feel better or can get what we want. I'm guilty of that sin big time.

 

[Musician4Jesus]

Joanna, it's extremely difficult to be content with being single when you see people around you becoming involved in the Godly romance that you yearn for. You see it occurring for everybody else, and yet the kind of relationship you desire doesn't even pay you a second glance. It's NOT easy; it's like rubbing salt in an open wound. I've had to go to three weddings this year, and many other ppl I know are in a godly romance which I'm desiring. Do you honestly think that made it easier? No, it exacerbated my struggle. I've come to the point where when I find out somebody I know has become involved in a romance, that it's bittersweet for me.

 

[JPPT1974]

Ask the Lord to help you be
Content with being single as well
As asking Him to find the right person for
You if that is His will for you!

 

[GQ Chris]

So you believe that all pain resulting from singleness can be overcome by some form of spiritual exercise? I don't think that's the truth.
And I also think that accusing people that suffer of not doing enough "spiritual exercise" is a bit presomptuous. As Paul said, God didn't take away his thorn in the flesh. He left it there and it never stopped hurting. However that didn't stop Paul living for God either. Saying "poor me" isn't a good idea - acknowledging pain is better than living in denial though. I'm not claiming to suffer more than anyone else in the world, and i'm certainly not considering i deserve anything from god. However i'm in pain and asking for his mercy. And i refuse to admit to not being focused on God sufficently, or not giving enough time to others just to please you because I know both those things to be thouroughly untrue.

Wow, the fact that you have to villify me to justify that you desire to be married tells me a lot.. meaning if you're this way on an anonymous messageboard, I wonder how you come off in real life, I imagine people get the same vibe multiplied exponentially.. I'll continue to disagree with you, the problem is more than likely a spiritual one.

 

[DaughterOFgrace]

I think a big lie people are fed is that as soon as you stop looking and stop desiring a mate, your future spouse will show up.

"When you least expect it," they say.

What if you have been all those things, not looking, not desiring and not expecting at certain seasons of your life? And what if you are still single?

Answers like that usually come from those who are married and though I acknowledge the bit of truth behind what they are trying to say, perhaps based upon their own experiences; it is a overgeneralized cop-out of an answer.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

Thanks for clarifying that. You really don't have to have anxiety over your future and mate prospects.. often times we can read the Bible and know God's Word but that still isn't enough.. only until we take possession of God's Word in our life that it begins to bring forth fruit.. after all, we are to walk by Faith no matter how things may appear. So we can "choose" to think about and dwell on the negative things in life, or we can bring every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

I was hoping you weren't aiming that comment at me. But at the same time it is good to examine ones heart about such things and repent if there is even the possibility that anything could be getting in the way of God or becoming more important in any aspect. I have repented of a few things in the past few days. Its important to live a life of repentance. Anyone who thinks they can get through a day with honestly nothing to repent about, has already proven just how much they need to repent. There is this ugly thing called pride, and it gets even uglier when it becomes spiritual pride. Anyways if I have in any way spoken out of pride, I ask all of your forgiveness and repent of this.

It's not quite so easy taking possession of Gods word. But I think the way you word it makes it seem overly simplified. Though like a muscle, it gets stronger with practice. But I very much agree about taking every thought and holding it captive to Christ Jesus. Our thoughts become our words, or words become our actions, our actions become our habits, and our habits become our lifestyle. As proverbs says "out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks."

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

I think if you look at the number of marriages amongst non-Christians, and even the number of happy marriages (yes, I believe non-Christians can have happy marriages), you can conclude that marriage is not something that God only uses to reward good Christians. So in that sense there is no spiritual rhyme or reason to it, and I would go so far as to say there are far more superficial reasons why many people who so desire to be married (such as myself) are not. I would count looks and personality amongst these reasons. I don't think it's an unfair assumption to make that those factors are very important to most people when choosing a mate.

This leaves one to wonder about God's role in all of this, and just how much he leaves us to do for ourselves. I've heard enough stories to make me believe that some people were very specifically drawn together...and I've heard enough stories to know that other people seem to have come together just by random in situations which could've occurred between any two people at any time. So I don't know what to make of that.

re: bolded portion --- Yea, I have seen this too. I honestly don't know what to make of it either. Gods ways are above our ways? (lol, I guess that can't really be reiterated enough!)

 

[GQ Chris]

I was hoping you weren't aiming that comment at me. But at the same time it is good to examine ones heart about such things and repent if there is even the possibility that anything could be getting in the way of God or becoming more important in any aspect. I have repented of a few things in the past few days. Its important to live a life of repentance. Anyone who thinks they can get through a day with honestly nothing to repent about, has already proven just how much they need to repent. There is this ugly thing called pride, and it gets even uglier when it becomes spiritual pride. Anyways if I have in any way spoken out of pride, I ask all of your forgiveness and repent of this.

It's not quite so easy taking possession of Gods word. But I think the way you word it makes it seem overly simplified. Though like a muscle, it gets stronger with practice. But I very much agree about taking every thought and holding it captive to Christ Jesus. Our thoughts become our words, or words become our actions, our actions become our habits, and our habits become our lifestyle. As proverbs says "out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks."

I know it sounds oversimplified, and thanks for having such a good attitude, I don't in any way say this stuff because I think I have it all figured out; quite the opposite.. maybe deep down I don't 100 percent practice it all either, and there aren't any easy answers. And yes, it does sound oversimplified, I wish there was a better way I could explain it.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

I know it sounds oversimplified, and thanks for having such a good attitude, I don't in any way say this stuff because I think I have it all figured out; quite the opposite.. maybe deep down I don't 100 percent practice it all either, and there aren't any easy answers. And yes, it does sound oversimplified, I wish there was a better way I could explain it.

Yea, we all have a lot of work to do in these areas. It is easier said than done though. But the first step is realizing that we need to change our patterns of thinking, the second step is to try with Gods strength.