How do you deal with a bossy & controlling friend?

[melody123]

There were actually 2 other occasions where this happened about our difference in religious beliefs, and I did speak up about it. The scenario was *exactly* the same, believe it or not, but not quite so bad. So, this is not new.

Also, in general she always been controlling, and has a superior attitude. She has gone as far as telling me that where she lives is better than me, and she makes it known often by telling me I should move where she lives, when I have told her a dozen times that I love where I am.. I dunno lol And she is like that with everybody because I have heard her tell me stories of how upset she is when someone doesn't take her good advice, and she makes the other people out to be the bad guy.


Anyways, thanks for that, Spunkn . I feel like I've been able to sort through my thoughts quite a bit. If she continues to be controlling after this, then I will let her go.

 

[melody123]

1hope - Really ? or are you just kidding
Do you want to shed some light? I have heard of the name ( Jesse Duplantis), but know nothing about him !

 

[Ark100]

Also, in general she always been controlling, and has a superior attitude. She has gone as far as telling me that where she lives is better than me, and she makes it known often by telling me I should move where she lives, when I have told her a dozen times that I love where I am.. I dunno lol And she is like that with everybody because I have heard her tell me stories of how upset she is when someone doesn't take her good advice, and she makes the other people out to be the bad guy.

What part of "I enjoy my life, love where I am and will never change my religious beliefs for anything" does she not get???
Friends like that need to be set right in their place. Someone has to do it. I just commend you for your tolerance to someone who sounds so insufferable.

I wouldn't condone such attitude from anyone. There has to be a strict assertiveness with people like that. And if anyone's friendship is causing you more negative than positive, you should know its time to call it quits with them.

 

[1hope]

I'm just joking. Jesse is a Word Faith Minister (please, nobody gt into denomination debates over this. It's meant in fun, here). But after trying to debate this guy for about ten minutes she's probably lock herself in a closet and cry for her mother. Look him up on Youtube for the fun of it! Don't have to watch the whole thing, but after a few minutes of watching him, you'd get what I was talking about.
I think They refer to his teaching as Christian ministry with a Cajun flair.
And I promise, I'm not trying to force my beliefs of you!! I've had people do that and I usually cut them off and tell them it stops, now! They don't like that!
Has anybody else witnessed her attempts to convert you or does she usually wait till you are alone? Just wondering, that's usually how it works. If your other friends, family or other Christians are around, does she still say something, even in front of them?
If not, maybe you need to confront her in front of a reliable witness.

 

[melody123]

I won't go into the details, but she replied back and says she doesn't at all see that what she did was controlling, but rather in the spirit of friendship and relationship, being a two way street. She says that I am perceiving her behavior other than sharing, and that it is I who won't allow discussion of certain ideas. This is so twisted. I feel like I am being messed with, or we seriously are on different planets. Anyways, I didn't go into defending myself this time, but just briefly reiterated that I don't like to be controlled and bossed around, and I wished her the best. I am finished and have let her go now..well, unless she sees her wrong. If she doesn't, then I would just continue to experience her 'spirit of friendship and relationship'. I'm just not interested in that anymore.

I think in the end, and looking back, I was not firm enough with her from the very beginning.

 

[melody123]

Thank you Ark100 for your comments I have had problems with boundaries all my life, and I've let people overstep them. I think it's partly a people pleasing tendancy, and partly an early misunderstanding in my life about the forgiveness and mercy that a Christian should extend. I've actually been meditating on the scriptures about this for months now to renew my mind, so slowly I'm getting it. I realize I can still forgive and love someone, while also setting good boundaries, even if that means having to let a friend go.

1hope OK, I'm glad you are not trying to force Duplantis on me lol
So when you have confronted people on being controlling, have they stopped? My friend and I either talked by email or phone, because we don't live in the same area, so there were no other people around..

 

[Spunkn]

Thank you Ark100 for your comments I have had problems with boundaries all my life, and I've let people overstep them. I think it's partly a people pleasing tendancy, and partly an early misunderstanding in my life about the forgiveness and mercy that a Christian should extend. I've actually been meditating on the scriptures about this for months now to renew my mind, so slowly I'm getting it. I realize I can still forgive and love someone, while also setting good boundaries, even if that means having to let a friend go.

1hope OK, I'm glad you are not trying to force Duplantis on me lol
So when you have confronted people on being controlling, have they stopped? My friend and I either talked by email or phone, because we don't live in the same area, so there were no other people around..

And my guess is. Probably no one's ever set a boundary with her. She probably does this with most people she meets and they just let her run all them in terms of control.

So it will seem weird to her when someone actually stops her says "No, this is not okay". It will cause you to get all defensive. She'll see it as something you did, because no one's ever did that to her before.

It sounds like you're better off without her to be honest. Whenever someone makes you feel guilty for having your own opinion, values, etc then that's not someone you want as a friend. Friends can have different opinions, but you don't try and shove it down your friends throat. You should be able to discuss it, tell each other why you have those different values etc, but when someone tries to force their view on others, it's not good.

Totally off-topic from your situation but this is why people have a lot of problems with Christians who try and repeatedly change someone's mind about God no matter how many times they say no. It's just going to turn people off more from hearing the Gospel. Not saying you shouldn't share it as much as you can, but if you go up to someone and say "Hey, would you like to hear about Jesus?" And they respond with "No thanks, I'd really rather not talk about that" I don't think you should continually harrass them to get them to listen to you. You still have to be respectful of others, and by being respectful sometimes THAT can be a testimony in itself.

In the end it comes down to whether or not someone is willing to talk and God's power. People will argue with you about God all day long, but if they aren't really willing to listen, but just want to argue then you're wasting your time in my opinion.

 

[1hope]

1hope OK, I'm glad you are not trying to force Duplantis on me lol
So when you have confronted people on being controlling, have they stopped? My friend and I either talked by email or phone, because we don't live in the same area, so there were no other people around..

They didn't like it. But they did get the picture, it took a few times. One piece of advice I'm sure a lot of Christians would give you "In all things pray." Ask the Lord to intervene on your behalf. I don't want to go into my own personal experience too much, here. But I have seen God Close the mouths of the Lions, for my sake.
Many of us have been in your situation, I'm sure. If some of us will Pray for you, pray for God's Will to be done, and believe God to take care of this for you.
Note: The Lord has given some of the folks that pushed me a since of guilt I believe, whenever they started pushing me, they'd suddenly fall silent and turn thier heads.
I am praying for you that God will intervene here on your behalf. Oh father God, let Your Will be done in Melody123's relationship with this friend. Intervene for her Dear God and give her the wisdom in this situaton to know what to do when the situation arises. God bless her and give her new found strength. I pray in Jesus Name. Amen

 

[LoricaLady]

You might want to check out a book that deals with such issues, called The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense. You can see reviews for it on Amazon & maybe get it as cheaply as I did - very cheap used.

Just keep gently saying No, thanks for the input but that's not how I want to do things. If the friend persists say, Can we change the subject now? I already told you how I feel about that. Thanks anyway.

Praying you learn the art of self assertion in a way that is not offensive.

 

[susyan]

I haven't seen all the post replies, so I apologise if I have repeated what someone else have already shared... here are the verses that came to mind:

Proverbs 13:20 He that walketh with wise men shall be wise: but a companion of fools shall be destroyed.

Amos 3:3 Can two walk together, except they be agreed?


The only way for you to remain friends is if you both agree on something.

She has to agree with you not to bring up new age stuff, because it conflicts with your faith.

If you keep hearing her talk, then you are essentially a companion with her and walking with her (i.e. on her side). You need to take a stand. If she respects you, she will not bring up new age stuff.

If she ignores you, you will end up feeling torn inside, because the Holy Spirit can't tolerate that kind of talk, it is being disloyal to Him. You need to take His side and let your friend know about it too.

Mark 8:38 Whosoever therefore shall be ashamed of me and of my words in this adulterous and sinful generation; of him also shall the Son of man be ashamed, when he cometh in the glory of his Father with the holy angels.

Not that I am saying that you are ashamed of Him, but you get the idea how He feels if we are timid to take a stand for Him.