How do you cope with the lies?

5kidsdad said:

Well, tomorrow the ball is going to drop. I have been trough enough, and her family needs to know that problem doen not only exist with me. I have a plan, so we'll see what happens. I know it is only going to get rough. She was even talking to me about him today. She mentioned his name, and how they were going to be working on school work together. After the false accusations, the lying, and the garbage, I am ready to move forward. I guess it is in God's hands now. Everyone that I talk to says it is time. Friends, family and therapists. I just hope that the kids aren't too messed up by this. I will not tell them about her "friend." I am worried about the fallout after the words are said. Please pray for the kids.

Thanks,

5kidsdad

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When I was a young Marine I had an old Gunnery Sergeant who drove a Chevy pickup give me his take on how to take care of it. He said he maintained it per the manual and used her to the best of her ability. But once she started making noises in the lower engine he'd run her ragged until she broke. Then the mechanics could find out whats wrong.

When a marriage has trouble there are all kinds of half measures you can take to try to fix it or let it fix itself. If the problem is someone sinning then its up to the other person to make it harder and harder for the sinner to keep sinning while keeping up the act like everything is fine. It is usually after everything blows up that healing can happen one way or another.

I would highly, highly recommend a book titled The Christian Family's Guide to Divorce. I can grab the author if you need it. It helped me tremendously in the beginning when we were going through the "division of friends" and property. I chose, like FaithfulWife, to let our actions speak for us and was honest with people when they approached me. Just recently, I've had some good friends of mine tell me that they appreciated me allowing them to stay neutral through all of it and that they now see my ex for the person he really is. I knew if I gave him enough slack in the rope, he'd eventually hang himself.

I would also recommend the book My Life Turned Upside Down, But I Turned It Right Side Up for your kids - especially the ones in the middle. It's a great book to encourage them to talk about how the effects of the situation are weighing on their hearts.

dp

Did the ball drop or is the charade still going on?

Stay the course and eventually the truth will be known. People that I and my ex were close to were completely shocked when I left him. I didn't say a word to some of the people that were the closest to us b/c I knew eventually his true colors would show through around them, too. It took about 2 years, but I had the satisfaction of having one of those friends tell me that she sees my ex for who he really is now and completely understands why I made the choice I made. I have to say that it felt good to hear her say it - and I didn't have to drag his name through the mud in the process, which made it even better.

Does it help your case for access/custody?

I ask this question because my sister has also been seeing her boyfriend since July, behind her husband's back. She is now divorcing her husband on the grounds of "XYZ" - all his fault of course - and is hiding the fact that she has a boyfriend from everyone else, including her family.

However, she is telling a lot of lies about her husband and painting him as the villain. She is also planning on not allowing him to ever see his child again. She is getting his child to call other men (including her boyfriend) "Daddy".

I wonder whether the fact that she has been seeing her boyfriend since July - i.e. before she requested a divorce - would help her husband's case for custody and/or access?

5kidsdad said:

Haven't posted here for a while, but this seems like a good one to put this one in. I caught her and the boy toy today. First time with my eyes I saw them, and with witnesses with me. They were oblivious to it all, came into a city I was working, went about their business, and I was working right across from where they were. After denying it for so long, calling me a liar, and falsly accusing me of many things, I caught them. Mixed emotions about it all...I did not approach them, just stayed away, and watched. Don't know if it will mean anything, but I had been questioning myself for a few months about if I really knew what I thought I did. I have to say that I did know what I suspected, and now know. I don;t know if any of you have been there...just thought it was interresting.

God bless,

5kidsdad

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Why didn't you go over and introduce yourself?

5kidsdad said:

I am just trying to keep my nose clean...plus it just doesn't interest me that much. She is the one who is living the lie, not me. If I trust in God, He will take care of it all.

5kd

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God will do a lot but he won't do everything. When David killed Goliath he had to at least toss a rock, and follow up by chopping the giant's head off with his own sword. Not that you should do such a thing, but if opportunity comes for you to say hello to your competition, why not stroll over to get the measure of the man.

Yep. Giving her the rope to hang herself. I actually agree that you did the mature thing. And you did fine! Look at you! It stung a bit, but you sound like you processed it like a stable adult. Well done!

5kidsdad said:

AL,

I understand your idea. He isn't my competition, I let her go a while ago. I tried to make it work once before, fought for her, etc. Yeah, I did fail again, I guess. But she did as well. It is not just one who destroyed this marriage, as she believes. I am working behind the sceens with my law team, and she is doing a good job on her own of helping me. I am not taking a passive approach, just a patient and proactive approach. I will let things work out in time...the wheels of justice go ever so slow.

5kd

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"Millstones of Justice turn exceedingly slow, but grind exceedingly fine."
~John Bannister Gibson (1780-1853), American jurist, Pennsylvania Supreme Court.

"Mills of the Gods,
Grind exceedingly slow,
But grind exceedingly fine..."
~Euripides (485-406 BC)


If you can use the law to make your play more power to you.

5kidsdad said:

My wife asked me to leave. I did so, and now I am finding out all types of information about her and another guy. No one on her side has an idea, or are completely fooling themselves. I have been blamed for everything that led to the split, and she has told my kids, who are all very young, that I was to blame for everything. I know the truth, my family knows, and my pastor knows. I am undoubtedly being drug through the dirt to whomever she decides to tell, whether at the church, her friends, or anyone who will listen. My dilema, this is driving me nuts. How do you cope with all of this stress? How do you deal with the gnawing feeling that you get when you think about it? I know about leaning on God, and I do. I am trying to stay on the high road for my kids, but there are days I really just want to blow the whole thing up in her face, and watch the mayhem insue. I want to contact his wife, and let her know what is going on. I mean, they have kids, too. How do you cope? I am going to start school in the fall, so I know that it will help me to stay busy. I hope that some of you out there have been where I am, and can give me some advice.

God bless you all.

5kidsdad

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***D***E***J***A***V***U***




Hmm...I'm on the "other side" of this now, so hopefully I can encourage you a bit. And honestly, it will take you awhile to "cope" with this.

I came from "nothing/nobody". I was taught that my word, work ethic, and character was everything. That was all threatened when my ex started spewing all sorts of negative false stuff around, or that's how I felt. I've come to learn that those that really know you, will figure out for themselves what's going on. Those that dont have clue but are against you, well...that's their character flaw and more than likely will not/wont have been different no matter what is being said. There are just some of those out there who thrive on criticism/judging. You could be God himself and they would still find something to say or think negative of you, so that's out of your control. Go ahead and try to let that one go. I KNOW, I KNOW....but still.

Another option? Confront her/her lover:
---> that will only fuel the fire and give people something more to say against you. You might feel better for the moment, but we are nobody's judge, and it will not change things. As for letting his wife know, I'm not quite sure where that would end up. You might, and I've seen it several times, become the bad guy even to her. You might cause this guy to distance himself from your wife, but would that really fix the problem? The issues lies with your wife. If it's not him, it will be somebody else. Save yourself the anguish and time, not to mention possible jail time and causing them to become even closer. Let that relationship go where it will without you in the picture. With kids involved, be ready to have all sorts of legal problems thrown at/on you if confrontation turns physical. You dont need the added stress that might damage the perception of how responsible you are and your rights as a parent.


- Surround yourself with support.
- Avoid unneeded contact with her.
- Keep busy on new or neglected hobbies.
- Enjoy those babies every second you can.
- Let EVERY decision consist of you having some time to yourself to really think on it before acting. (How will this HELP? How CAN this turn out? Is this best for the -kids? Will I be a better person because of this? Will this be pleasing to God?)
- Keep your head up and you smile at every person you question or not
- Never talk negative about thier mother. Never. Be thier "safe" ground, their CONSISTANT support, and thier rest.
- SLEEP

I know this is soo hard. God I know, but I promise that you will be able to look back and see that all of this will seem minor and it won't bother you nearly as much. You will become confident in who you are and what you are capable of being. Your kids will learn to have thier own opinions. Hopefully thier mother will change her ways where they will not view her negatively, but if she doesn't then they will still have you as their role model.

I hope this helps some, if not, then maybe it bored you enough to sleep...which as you can see is something I found out is one of the most important things to do to be able to handle all of this stress.

Good luck, and God Bless