How do/would you handle this?

[OldWiseGuy]

Thank you! That´s a creative idea!
Why would you think it will wear him out?

Questions will take him off his track. Soon he will realize that as soon as he starts giving his 'lecture' questions that he has no interest in thinking about will flow. In order to stop the questions he will have to stop lecturing. It is also probable that he doesn't want to argue about his topics, so arguing with him might be a good tactic as well. It will reveal to him that you really aren't interested in what he's talking about, and, the more inane the questions the better. You can also include the others by asking them what they think about what this guy is saying.

 

[quatona]

Tell him. Privately - maybe over a beer or something.

I would totally agree with you here...if I had any personal interest in him. But to be honest, I don´t.
It seems to me (at this point, but I will try to reconsider this) that currently I can´t summon up the empathy that´s required to communicate my problem appropriately.

Sometimes it takes that when someone goes through a paradigm shift. To them, everything becomes brand new, and they want to share this "revelation" with the world.

Actually, if this were the case, I´d probably be totally interested. I love it when people are genuinely enthusiastic. But this is not about new epiphanies or something.

The problem is that usually 99% of people don't care, or have already hit that "epiphany" point, and have no interest in philosophically going backward.

Yes, I agree: That´s part of the problem. But, to be honest, that´s me: I am not interested in philosophically going back with him.

You will need to explicitly, and directly (but respectfully and gently) lay out exactly why you have no desire to hear his "sermons." In fact, depending on the relationship you have you should tell him what you call them... it may bring the point home. But, he needs to know that what he is doing may be offending other persons. That is your right to be offended, and to make your case.

Well, I am not thinking in terms of "rights", and I am not exactly offended. I am annoyed and bored.

But now that you mention it, I recall one incident: In the break of a match in which I was obviously on the losing end, he came up to me and tried to coach me (which I generally appreciate). Yet, he talked me down, telling me countless things NOT to do, pointed out my easy mistakes - you get the idea, totally unhelpful. So I said to him: X, listen, I appreciate your concern and your willingness to help me...but the way you do it doesn´t help me. In this situation I don´t need general Badminton philosophy, in this situation I can´t suddenly overcome my technical shortcomings - I need short advice what to do and what to try, based on my current skills. Which resulted in him indeed giving me a very effective hint.

But, you will also have to be prepared for him to say, "sod off..." and any other consequences.

That wouldn´t be a problem for me.

So, thanks again for your input. What I will take home from it: How can I possibly summon up the empathy and interest that´s required to be open to him about my feelings.

 

[quatona]

Is it possible to gently change the subject during even a brief pause in his talking? I know sometimes when one person is dominating a conversation about something, it can come as a relief to everyone else when somebody shifts the topic to something that others can start talking about.

Thanks, good idea!

 

[Chesterton]

And speaking of changing the subject (sorry ) but how popular is badminton in Germany? Your thread caused me to come across this from an ESPN article: "...badminton is the second most popular participatory sport in the world, just behind soccer..." I found that surprising.

 

[quatona]

Thanks, OWG. Even though I am not completely understanding your logic, your posts helped me to see what could actually make this worthwhile for me: Trying to be playful. Playing my own game (which is not in direct competition with his game). Like, guessing "What will happen if I do or say this?", doing and saying it, and then either be confirmed or surprised. And then trying something new.

Questions will take him off his track. Soon he will realize that as soon as he starts giving his 'lecture' questions that he has no interest in thinking about will flow.

Not to take away from your good advice - but I think this isn´t going to be effective. In my preconceived notion, he isn´t really that interested in the subjects - he is (for whatever sad reason) interested in his own importance. So any question (and especially the totally inane and dumb ones) will just fire him up. But I may well be wrong about this.

 

[quatona]

And speaking of changing the subject (sorry ) but how popular is badminton in Germany? Your thread caused me to come across this from an ESPN article: "...badminton is the second most popular participatory sport in the world, just behind soccer..." I found that surprising.

I find that surprising, too. However, Badminton is extremely popular in many countries in Asia (it is played in the biggest arenas there), and since Asia has a huge population...
In Germany, not so much. I don´t have any statistics at hand, but I think it´s safe to say that significantly less than 1% of the population are active Badminton players. Actually, it´s pretty safe to say that not even 1% are Badminton fans.

 

[durangodawood]

Just yesterday I spoke to some others in the team about my issue, and, yes, they are annoyed, but apparently not fed up. They reminded me that Mr. X does some important things and is a great organizer. (IOW: "We need him, therefore...").


Do you have any practical, creative ideas how to "calm him down"? What means are you thinking of?

I really dont. I was thinking you and the people who know him could brainstorm.

 

[brinny]

Thanks, brinny, for your response!


Because this is how such events usually unfold.
The only way to evade it is not to go there.

Would it be possible to perhaps not go?

 

[quatona]

Would it be possible to perhaps not go?

Why sure, it´s possible not to go. It´s actually the first option that comes to mind.

 

[brinny]

Why sure, it´s possible not to go. It´s actually the first option that comes to mind.

hahahaaa

is that your solution then?

 

[quatona]

hahahaaa

is that your solution then?

Not necessarily - even though it´s always been the most convenient and attractive option, for me.
Look, this is not an unsolvable problem. I just felt, I´d share the sort of small issues that I am dealing with in real life (as opposed to those big moral questions that are discussed in this forum, as though they played a part in our real lives: Should I murder this person? Should I steal this car? Should I have sex with my neighbour´s dog? Should I commit genocide? Should I torture my child? ).

As I mentioned in the OP, even without Mr. X these kind of socializing events aren´t my kind of thing. And more often than not, I simply just don´t participate.
Then again, I love the idea that people try to create something beautiful (even though I personally may not see the beauty in it), and I don´t like the idea that such efforts are met with indifference or rejection. It´s somewhat hard to credibly communicate your appreciation of a plan, along with saying "No, sorry, that´s not for me."
As a matter of fact, when all these plans for common social events in this team came up, I was open about my condition. I told them: "I would like you to understand that I don´t enjoy myself on parties and such. I´m not only introverted - I just seem to feel the more lonely the more people are around, and the more they are determined to enjoy themselves. I´m weird that way." They were very accepting and asked a few questions about it. A lady smiled and said: "Well, you can learn that.", and I smiled back and said: "I´m afraid I don´t even want to learn that."
Long story short: I´m pretty sure nobody will even feel rejected if I don´t go. So, that´s a perfectly viable option without any real downsides.

But I was interested: Do other people occasionally encounter such a significant mis-match with another person - and what are your strategies of dealing with it?

 

[brinny]

Not necessarily - even though it´s always been the most convenient and attractive option, for me.
Look, this is not an unsolvable problem. I just felt, I´d share the sort of small issues that I am dealing with in real life (as opposed to those big moral questions that are discussed in this forum, as though they played a part in our real lives: Should I murder this person? Should I steal this car? Should I have sex with my neighbour´s dog? Should I commit genocide? Should I torture my child? ).

As I mentioned in the OP, even without Mr. X these kind of socializing events aren´t my kind of thing. And more often than not, I simply just don´t participate.
Then again, I love the idea that people try to create something beautiful (even though I personally may not see the beauty in it), and I don´t like the idea that such efforts are met with indifference or rejection. It´s somewhat hard to credibly communicate your appreciation of a plan, along with saying "No, sorry, that´s not for me."
As a matter of fact, when all these plans for common social events in this team came up, I was open about my condition. I told them: "I would like you to understand that I don´t enjoy myself on parties and such. I´m not only introverted - I just seem to feel the more lonely the more people are around, and the more they are determined to enjoy themselves. I´m weird that way." They were very accepting and asked a few questions about it. A lady smiled and said: "Well, you can learn that.", and I smiled back and said: "I´m afraid I don´t even want to learn that."
Long story short: I´m pretty sure nobody will even feel rejected if I don´t go. So, that´s a perfectly viable option without any real downsides.

But I was interested: Do other people occasionally encounter such a significant mis-match with another person - and what are your strategies of dealing with it?

Changing the subject

 

[Chesterton]

Should I murder this person?

Wanna hear something funny? On the first page you might have noticed I made a post and then deleted it. This is what the post was:

Have you tried killing him?

 

[quatona]

Changing the subject

That wasn´t my intention, sorry.
I tried to answer your question (which led to another aspect I had already mentioned in the OP), and in the end I tried to get back to the central subject:
The question how to handle such significant mis-matches with another person. I guess I am secretly doubting that avoidance is a good solution here (or not even a solution at all).

 

[quatona]

Wanna hear something funny? On the first page you might have noticed I made a post and then deleted it. This is what the post was:

Have you tried killing him?

 

[Received]

(Not exactly a moral/ethical question, but one concerning human interaction, so I guess I can put it here.)

Usually, I am quite interested in hearing other people´s opinions and learning about the way they construct their reality, but sometimes...

There´s a guy in my Badminton team who has figured it all out. Everything. So he´s holding endless lectures, explaining the world to everyone who hasn´t even asked. In a quite loud and intense voice and tone. Something I find hard to bear, anyway.

Now add to this that his interests, his purposes, his meanings, his life contents, his values, his longings and fears are so different than mine that there is hardly any common ground, and I would have a hard time even summoning up a minimal interest in his elaborations.

Usually, it´s not that much of a problem, because during training hours I concentrate on playing and training. However, it´s this time of the year when each and every community have their X-mas parties; when they suggest to go to a X-mas market together etc. etc.
I don´t find such socializing and small-talk events particularly attractive anyway, but most of the time I participate just so not to irritate people or endanger the team spirit.

However, the prospect of spending one entire night listening to the sermons of the above mentioned person makes me sick. I am aware that everyone is different, I am aware that I am an odd freak myself to many people, but sometimes the mis-match is so extreme....

Any thoughts or suggestions?

Assuming he's decent, he might just be terribly blind to the effects of his behaviors. So maybe an anonymous empathic, sympathetic letter pointing out his effects on you (and presumably by generalization the rest of the group) eschewing "you" language and going to describing behaviors and their effects on your feelings, reactions, etc. -- something like that. If possible, a one-on-one (lemme buy you a beer, coffee, whatever) could be even more powerful. It's a tough situation to be in for sure. But it's clear this guy needs a (humane) confrontation.

Otherwise, maybe it's time to snuff up on Thich Nhat Hanh.

 

[TagliatelliMonster]

There was a guy like that at the company I used to work at for almost a decade.

At first, I engaged him, but it quickly became boring and annoying. The guy had literally blinders on and wasn't interested in having his ideas challenged at all. In fact, if you would engage him a time to many, he'ld just become irritated and would start raising his voice and stuff, resulting in rather uncomfortable situations and downright "party-pooping" atmospheres.

Luckily, the team was big enough so that I could "hide" from the dude by simply ignoring him and talking to other people.

So that would be my suggestion: ignore him and talk to other people.

Once I also downright told him that I simply wasn't interested in his shenannigans and that he should keep it to himself instead of boring me with it, when he started yapping again and caught me in a bad mood. But that quickly turned into conflict and "tension", which is not a fun situation in context of "team building" events. In fact, it's completely counter productive.

In the end, the situation was resolved when he got fired, LOL.

Some people are just not open to reason or simply can't handle being told that they should stop yapping so obsessively about their out-of-this-world ideas that nobody cares about, without feeling personally insulted and engaging in a "hostile" manner.

To be honest... I'm afraid that, to me, it kind of sounds like you have no way out without compromising the overall "team spirit". Which is kind of ironic and sad, because ultimately it is him and his obsession which is the cause of this burden on the team spirit.

Btw, that's also the actual reason that the dude at that company got fired... He was a cause of "negative energy" among team members and people were sick of it. Off course, that's not the "official" reason, but really... it was.

 

[Rajni]

I told them: "I would like you to understand that I don´t enjoy myself on parties and such. I´m not only introverted - I just seem to feel the more lonely the more people are around, and the more they are determined to enjoy themselves. I´m weird that way." They were very accepting and asked a few questions about it. A lady smiled and said: "Well, you can learn that.", and I smiled back and said: "I´m afraid I don´t even want to learn that."

Speaking as a highly introverted person myself, this is totally relateable.
I find a quiet night at home far more exciting than being immersed in a partying crowd.

But I was interested: Do other people occasionally encounter such a significant mis-match with another person - and what are your strategies of dealing with it?

Back when I was still married, I had to endure a similar situation, especially during family holiday get-togethers. I had one in-law for whom it didn't take much for him to be on his soap-box about politics, and how no one could possibly be of a certain political party and at the same time be a Christian, blah blah blah. And he'd get pretty worked up. I hated it, but was obliged to put up with it.

My now-divorced status thankfully gives me more control over who I have to put up with, releasing me from any obligation to put up with such nonsense. If I were faced with it again, I would simply leave the room.


-
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[quatona]

Assuming he's decent, he might just be terribly blind to the effects of his behaviors. So maybe an anonymous empathic, sympathetic letter pointing out his effects on you (and presumably by generalization the rest of the group) eschewing "you" language and going to describing behaviors and their effects on your feelings, reactions, etc. -- something like that.

Good advice...but anonymous? Really? Why that?

If possible, a one-on-one (lemme buy you a beer, coffee, whatever) could be even more powerful.

That´s what I would do if I felt any closeness to this guy. I am afraid, though, that at this point I can´t summon up the empathy that´s required for taking such steps.

It's a tough situation to be in for sure.

Oh, it´s not THAT tough. It might be if I were actually fond of those parties, and he´d be the only reason not to go. Not to go wouldn´t be a terrible loss for me, so there´s an easy way out.
Apart from those events, I can keep my exposition to his sermons down to a tolerable degree (e.g. when we travel to matches, I can make sure I´m not sitting in one car with him).

But it's clear this guy needs a (humane) confrontation.

I am very hesitant at deciding what other people need. Nonetheless, this brings up another interesting question:
Assuming for a moment, that a confrontation is required - would I be the right guy of all to initiate it? Most other members have known him for ages and from various other context - I don´t. Plus, him and me are probably the "outsiders" on opposite ends. What do you think?

 

[Nithavela]

(Not exactly a moral/ethical question, but one concerning human interaction, so I guess I can put it here.)

Usually, I am quite interested in hearing other people´s opinions and learning about the way they construct their reality, but sometimes...

There´s a guy in my Badminton team who has figured it all out. Everything. So he´s holding endless lectures, explaining the world to everyone who hasn´t even asked. In a quite loud and intense voice and tone. Something I find hard to bear, anyway.

Now add to this that his interests, his purposes, his meanings, his life contents, his values, his longings and fears are so different than mine that there is hardly any common ground, and I would have a hard time even summoning up a minimal interest in his elaborations.

Usually, it´s not that much of a problem, because during training hours I concentrate on playing and training. However, it´s this time of the year when each and every community have their X-mas parties; when they suggest to go to a X-mas market together etc. etc.
I don´t find such socializing and small-talk events particularly attractive anyway, but most of the time I participate just so not to irritate people or endanger the team spirit.

However, the prospect of spending one entire night listening to the sermons of the above mentioned person makes me sick. I am aware that everyone is different, I am aware that I am an odd freak myself to many people, but sometimes the mis-match is so extreme....

Any thoughts or suggestions?

My suggestion would be to start with a frogsplash, than match him with a bulldog, give him a flying crossbody and finish by crushing his legs with the walls of jericho.