how do I fix this?

Hi all,

Since learning last year that I have Aspergers has really made me understand so much of my life - the difficulties, the anxieties, the obsessive interests, etc. It was the missing piece of the puzzle, but a frustrating piece.

Here's my dliema. I have a friend at work, casual at best, but we've known each other over 20 years. Two years ago his daughter died in an accident, and, out of caring and concern, I reached out, seeking to be his friend. Our conversations now have nothing to do with his loss (though I am willing to listen if he needs a sympathetic ear).

As I sought to be a supportive friend, I kind of became consumed with it, and it became an obsession. In researching, I have found that becoming obsessed with a person can happen to people with Asperger's. What I would do it pass by his ofice, if his door was open, I'd stop in to chat for a few minutes. Back after his loss, we talked almost every day, now it is once a week, and again, we don't talk about his loss, usually the Yankees, what we're doing over the weekend, etc. His office is right on the way to the bathroom, so i pass it a few times a day.

Also, I have grown fond of him - kind of a brohterly love kind of way, not a gay thing or anything like that (I say that because I know how it may sound to some people).

Every now and then, espeically when he doesn't talk much, I worry that somenow he picked up on my obsession, or my deeper feelings for him. He has never said anything to indicate that, but I worry about it sometimes. I really wish I knew how he really felt about me - if he considers me a friend or an annoyance, but we never really know where we stand with anyone.

Okay here's my question - if it is the worst case scenario - if he felled stalked at all, misunderstood my feelings, etc, how do I fix it?

Its tricky, if he never picked up on any of that, I won't want to apologize for something that never entered into his mind. I honestly have backed off a bit - if I talk to him Monday, for example, I won't even try to talk to him again until Thursday or Friday. And if he considers me a freind and i am just being my paranoid self, I don't want to back off needlessly.

Last month I was out sick for a week and had a couple of days off as well, when I saw him after cmoing back, he said "where have you been?" so I guess if he didn't like me coming by, he wouldn't have asked that.

If I just act normal, not getting too "clingy" (for lack of a better term), is there a chance that he could forgive the obsessive behavior (if he ever thought that at all)?

Thanks in advance!

Brody

thank you for the kinds words and the very nice reply. I am trying to be a good friend, and I hope he sees me as one. After his daughter died, I just felt so sad for him, that I had to reach out and be there for him, even though he has a lot of family and close friends. It's true - it is hard to find a good friendship. It is also hard to comfort a grieving parent - it was definitely a learning esperience, and I did move outside my comfort zone, but honestly, I couldn't let my fears outweigh his need for support.

you're right, I should just enjoy the friendship and stop over-thinking/over-annalyzing it. I did tell him a while back that I think of him like a brohter, and he appreciated that. I think our friendship is still in the growing phase, and it is nice.

Thanks again - your reply made my day!

thanks! I guess it isn't as bad as I fear, I did back off to once or twice a week passed after a few months, as he seemed to need that steady support less than right after the tragedy (though he does have good days and bad days, probably always will).

He does relate more/better with some of the ohter men in the office, mainly because they are all big sports fans like he is. I am a casual Yankee fan, but I really don't know enough about baseball to have an in depth conersation about it.

He doesn't initiate contact with me - but then again, neither do most of my other friends there. When he is on break, he usually goes downstairs to talk to his girlfriend, which I definitely understand.

dayhiker said:

Hi Brody,
Welcome to CF.
Sounds like me like you handled things well with this man, you were there when he needed you and then you backed off to once or twice a week. That isn't obsession in my mind.
It would help us understand him if you commented on how he relates to some of the other men in the office. Also, are you thinking that way because he never stops by your office to talk with you?

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