How can I tell my wife that weight is an issue in our relationship?

[SharonL]

Haven't read a single post in this thread, just addressing literally the subject/title question.

How do you tell her?

Just tell her.

If my husband felt that my weight was an issue (and I am a plus-sized gal), I would want him to say "Your weight is a problem for me" and then we would go ahead from there.

Would I be angry? Yes. Sad? Yes. Depressed? Maybe.

But I'd get over it, and we'd figure it out together.

Honesty > everything.

From the prespective of someone who has been through it. You never get over it. I m a forgiving person and very few things have been said, but what has been said will linger forever. Reason being - I gave it my all, all my young years was spent raising his children, working and being alone - with what I have been through, if all he wants is good looks - he is free to go after it, if looks are all that is important - go for it.

But one word of advice - if you have a happy marriage I would not chance it because things will never be the same no amount of apologizing or trying to make it up - it is a done thing. Encourage yearly check up and always base it on health and not looks. Nothing wipes away years of dedication, love and loyalty faster than 'my heart doesn't pound when I look at you anymore' - but I bet it pounds when food is on the table, house is clean, clothes washed and a paycheck coming in (that is the feeling you get with that kind of response)

 

[JRSut1000]

I'm thinking maybe it depends on the individuals involved:
1) The husband - it depends on how he says it, but he shouldnt tip-toe around what is bothering him either.
2) The wife - how she receives it. Some people are very sensitive and hearing what he says may be devastating. Of course, if said in a polite loving way she may be open to making positive changes to become healthier and lose weight in a God-honoring way.

 

[8462]

ok. . . as a married woman with kids and struggling from weight gain one thing I can say is that No matter HOW MUCH YOU TELL HER it's got to be something that she wants to do for herself. I have found that my Husband tells me about my weight and most of the time I know he is right but I don't care. It's only when I am trying to keep up with my 3yo that I "WISH" I didn't have as much weight.

I am sure your wife is not happy with her weight either. . . SO here's how you can help.

Start going on hikes or walks or whatever it is that you have time to do and ask her if she would like to go along. Maybe see if her and some of her "girl" friends would like to start a fitness and accountability club with her. and so on and so forth.

As a "larger" woman I was not Happy when my DH told me I needed to lose weight but I am glad that he did and I am happy that he thinks of my health and appearance more than I do.

GOOD LUCK!

 

[Avniel]

From the prespective of someone who has been through it. You never get over it. I m a forgiving person and very few things have been said, but what has been said will linger forever. Reason being - I gave it my all, all my young years was spent raising his children, working and being alone - with what I have been through, if all he wants is good looks - he is free to go after it, if looks are all that is important - go for it.

But one word of advice - if you have a happy marriage I would not chance it because things will never be the same no amount of apologizing or trying to make it up - it is a done thing. Encourage yearly check up and always base it on health and not looks. Nothing wipes away years of dedication, love and loyalty faster than 'my heart doesn't pound when I look at you anymore' - but I bet it pounds when food is on the table, house is clean, clothes washed and a paycheck coming in (that is the feeling you get with that kind of response)

I always think being honest is important. This man could be on the verge of cheating on his wife....maybe she doesn't even know. Trust honesty and a good communication machine is needed in marriage

 

[SharonL]

If he wants to give up on a good wife, mother and a good person for a few minutes of sheer lust - then he doesn't have much of a marriage any way and is using the weight as an excuse - there is more to life than sex.

 

[Just4Jesus]

I have been married for over 10 years. Our marriage is good. I was 19 when I got married. I would not say that we were the perfect couple for each other, but we have made the best of it, and I have had a great 10 years.

Please forgive me for bringing this subject up, I have been searching around and wondering how I can deal with this without offending my wife.

Since our children were born, she has been gaining weight. Quite a bit. And as pretty as I think her face still is, I make myself turn away when I walk behind her. I just don't want to see it. I cant stand her waling around in her pajamas.... it makes the weight too visible.

Its just wrong, is it not? Should I not be attracted to her?

My first searching around on the internet resulted in a lot of divorce type of advise. And as a Christian I do not see this as an option. Never-mind the damage it would do to our children. And I still really love her, but it is hard to tell her she is beautiful when I am kinda grossed out by the weight. I don't even really want to have sex anymore. I don't want to take here on vacation to some warm place either, because it is just not attractive to me.

I know I am probably in the wrong, and that I need to ask myself why she is gaining the weight. Trust me, I do. I have looked for ways to be supportive. I make supper for her twice per week to take some work load off her. (I work, she is a stay at home mom) I try to spend time. I fail lots, but I try.

I see other couples, who seem happy together, and all the time I find myself then wishing that my wife lost that weight, and that this would make me happier. Does not need to be skinny, it is just too much.

My question really is, should I just sit down with her and tell her that her weight is a hindrance in our relationship? Or would that just make things worse? Please.... I really need some help!

I guess that's why when we say our vows, its for better or worse.

 

[Avniel]

If he wants to give up on a good wife, mother and a good person for a few minutes of sheer lust - then he doesn't have much of a marriage any way and is using the weight as an excuse - there is more to life than sex.

So you would rather he just keep his mouth shut and live unhappy unattracted to his wife till the day he dies and he should just act like he likes just fake it till he makes it????

No he needs to communicate with his wife so they can sit down a find a way to fix things together. When the communication is broken then the devil comes in and attacks the weak.

Your basically telling him to keep a secret from his wife....No that's not right.

The entire if he does this because she won't or she is like.....is a cop out from the real issues that causes reactions. The bible says "Be ye angry but sin ye not" but we are not perfect and we all have been angry to the point where we sinned.....including thoughts. If I knew that an action of mine is going to or might possible cause a person to sin that doesn't mean I dont deserve anything bcause none of deserve Christ so we can't say who deserves who because none of us even deserve to be blessed with spouses if we want to look at what we have done or said out of flesh. We all deserve to suffer but we are still blessed and God never gives us more then we can handle.

If his wife being over weight is something he is having issues with and its causing him to sin physically or mentally then it has to be addressed. Leaving this issue open has the possiblity to cause him to sin......wouldn't you agree?

Marriage isn't about sex and there is more to sex.........but sex is good and it is great and ordained by God. Communication in a marriage is everything communication with God, communication with one's spouse, family and friends.....When it comes to being married there is another way of communication and that's sex...

Plus our bodies are the temple, why when two temples come together isn't that big to people I cant understand?

 

[SharonL]

I am not arguing in favor of the weight - weight is not good for health or self esteem. What I am saying is this - I'll give you an example.

I raised my husband's 2 childdren ages 4 & 7 - is wife was unfaithfull many, many times, drank, deserted her children. I gave my entire young life to raising his children, he worked away from home a lot and chose to spend many evenings out with the boys while I struggled with our 4 kids, took care of both sets of parents - yes I gained weight - what I am saying is if none of that counts and he can't love me as I am - then it would be best if we were not together.

What would you rather have a person who was a good mother, wife and a good person, but has a little weight on - or a wife that was unfaithful, deserted her children but still looks good.

That is my point. I feel that after all that I put into marriage and the only thing my husband can think about is I don't look so good - I don't want to be around him.

 

[Hosannainthehighest]

FOR MEN ONLY & FOR WOMEN ONLY Shaunti & Jeff Feldhahn.

A book for the male and a book for the female.

Easy to read!! And addresses this exact issue (among others), in a really sensitive but honest way. Where it is ok, that you feel that way, and written so it's much easier to accept for a woman.

Both books are highly worth reading in my opinion! Both my fiance and I have read them and they blessed our relationship

 

[8462]

Oh. . . For Goodness sakes. . . People are making this thread more than what it is and they are speculating on this mans thoughts rather than letting him tell you himself. It's not that big of a deal. Just tell her you have an issue with her weight and get it over with. . . He obviously isn't cheating or leaving her. He knows a good woman when he sees her and he probably is not going to cheat just because she gained weight. More than likely he will please himself or just go without.

I hate when other's jump to the most horrible conclusion just because they are feeling that way. He is asking you guys if he should tell her or if he shouldn't. He isn't asking you to discuss whether or not he is considering cheating on his wife and how horrible of a person he is for having an issue with her weight. He wants to know if he should tell her. . . And the answer is yes.

 

[Jhail83]

I would wait for an opening from her. I am pretty sure she knows she put on weight, and like most people, I bet she doesn't like it. When she mentions anything related to weight loss, be supportive and ask how you can help her deal with it.
How is your diet? Maybe you could help her by not eating badly in front of her (if you do.). Offer to cook some dinners and make something healthy. Maybe offer to do more active activities or join a gym with her once she does bring it up. Make it about her happiness, and not just about you is my advice. Yes your desires matter, but so do her feelings.

 

[Avniel]

Oh. . . For Goodness sakes. . . People are making this thread more than what it is and they are speculating on this mans thoughts rather than letting him tell you himself. It's not that big of a deal. Just tell her you have an issue with her weight and get it over with. . . He obviously isn't cheating or leaving her. He knows a good woman when he sees her and he probably is not going to cheat just because she gained weight. More than likely he will please himself or just go without.

I hate when other's jump to the most horrible conclusion just because they are feeling that way. He is asking you guys if he should tell her or if he shouldn't. He isn't asking you to discuss whether or not he is considering cheating on his wife and how horrible of a person he is for having an issue with her weight. He wants to know if he should tell her. . . And the answer is yes.

I don't know if this was directed towards me. But in case it was let me simplify what I was saying.

Never tell a spouse to keep secretes from another spouse. The reason is I don't know how the devil is going to attack people or in this case a marriage. He always comes with the grass is greener but it's never is. What I'm saying is its always easier to fight temptation when you are oPenly communicating with the other person. And that is with anything.

It's not That I'm saying to cheat or giving an excuse for anyone cheating what I'm saying Don't advise anyone to keep anything from their spouse it's always best to have everything on the table and approach conversations with a level head not ego.

And as far as they are feeling that way comment. I have never and will never cheat on my wife and if that was directed to me I will have you know I have stated it several times my wife is hot. She was the prettiest girl in our freshmen class and she still is hot even more so after our child. Not to mention when I had a gun to my head before I talked myself out of that situatiOn with the help of God....was "no Britt would cry I have to find a way out" when my first thought was oh well. The thought of my wife helped save my life. And I tell her everything and stay open about our conversations.

I think when the bible said come together it just wasn't sexually is all I'm saying.

 

[8462]

I don't know if this was directed towards me. But in case it was let me simplify what I was saying.

Never tell a spouse to keep secretes from another spouse. The reason is I don't know how the devil is going to attack people or in this case a marriage. He always comes with the grass is greener but it's never is. What I'm saying is its always easier to fight temptation when you are oPenly communicating with the other person. And that is with anything.

It's not That I'm saying to cheat or giving an excuse for anyone cheating what I'm saying Don't advise anyone to keep anything from their spouse it's always best to have everything on the table and approach conversations with a level head not ego.

And as far as they are feeling that way comment. I have never and will never cheat on my wife and if that was directed to me I will have you know I have stated it several times my wife is hot. She was the prettiest girl in our freshmen class and she still is hot even more so after our child. Not to mention when I had a gun to my head before I talked myself out of that situatiOn with the help of God....was "no Britt would cry I have to find a way out" when my first thought was oh well. The thought of my wife helped save my life. And I tell her everything and stay open about our conversations.

I think when the bible said come together it just wasn't sexually is all I'm saying.

Was not directed to anyone specific. . . Just in general. This is not the first thread I have posted in where others have changed the subject completely and made it something it shouldn't be. . . Was just stating that . . . we should be answering to OP not bickering silly nonsense between each other on subjects that have nothing to do with the thread in which we are posting.

Not directed to a specific person.

 

[tiredintx]

Amen!! Enough Already

 

[mandelduke]

Unless her weight was a health problem I would not say anything. You are complaining that the mother of your children is to fat? Maybe she is thinking that your is to small? Would you like for her to tell you that?

 

[Kol]

"A man is a man all his life, but a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife." -Al Bundy

 

[SharonL]

Unless her weight was a health problem I would not say anything. You are complaining that the mother of your children is to fat? Maybe she is thinking that your penis is to small? Would you like for her to tell you that?

Perfect, perfect, perfect - reflects exactly what I have been saying - there are just some things that will never be the same once that line is crossed.

 

[8462]

Originally Posted by mandelduke
Unless her weight was a health problem I would not say anything. You are complaining that the mother of your children is to fat? Maybe she is thinking that your penis is to small? Would you like for her to tell you that?
Perfect, perfect, perfect - reflects exactly what I have been saying - there are just some things that will never be the same once that line is crossed.
_____________

I don't think that this is correct. . . I mean. Whether or not I thought my DH Penis is "too small" or whatever doesn't matter either. . . Complete honesty is what is going to "set you free" in the end. Whether he has a small penis or not is not the answer... and if she thinks he does would he want her to tell him? I don't know. "to each his own" I guess.

I know that this is a torn subject but for me as a woman I would want to know if my weight plays a role in my sex life. Just saying.

 

[mysterysb]

I don't need to dress up every day, but I dress for the day and sometimes a little extra. The prize for me has been that attention from my husband. The comments. The special way he makes me feel. If I don't want my husband to look elsewhere I need to give him something to look at. .

I've gone up and down with my weight always hoping that some effort on my part would peak my hubs interest but he still fails to say one nice thing about my looks, my hair, my selection of clothing. It's always "Are you going to wear that shirt?" "I bet they will like that cleavage" I have small breasts and wear shirts that you could see my cleavage if you stood directly above me, no v-necks or overtly crazy shirts. I'll get my hair done and he says "looks the same as last time". When I work out it's "great, now if you can just get that time down to 10 minutes". I tell him "seriously honey, I am not competitive. I want to get healthy but I don't have to set a record mile to burn calories". He wants me to be an athlete - I never will be. ANyway this constant negativity always sends me back.

If you want to do good for your wife and get results, the things others said is true - she knows she's overweight already. Up lift her with positive things, find the good in her, and notice any effort she makes, do not push her. 1 negative comment, or one remark that is perceived as negative will set her back x 10.

I wish I could find what I need to be happy with myself without his approval because he's a negative human being and it hurts me.

I'm not terribly overweight (145lbs after 2 kids, I was 118 when he met me) but its enough that I think he's completely unattracted to me.

 

[JRSut1000]

It's a balance, if a husband is ONLY speaking negative to his wife, then its going to tear down any wife. But if he says a bunch of positive but worries he cant be honest with 1 constructive critical comment, then the fault is on her because she's too ultra sensitive. I'm sorry but if 1 negative comment from my husband sets me back times 10, then it's my problem for being super sensitive.