How can I tell my wife that weight is an issue in our relationship?

[MLEN]

I agree with other posts that how you tell her is the primary thing. Also, starting and maintaining an exercise program or diet change that promote good health is not any easy thing to do. Therefore, you yourself must be ready and willing to encourage her along the way by committing to exercising and eating healthy along with her. Remember to have loving patience with her should she attempt to make a change toward better health habits. These things take time.

 

[eyeswideopen4]

The problem is that after we marry we tend to not care as much. We put all our efforts into being the best we can to attract our spouse when we were dating and now in marriage we somehow feel that we no longer need to put in the effort. Why should we? What is the prize? We already have our spouse.

I believed this for a long time. I learned that it only told my husband that he wasn't worth enough for me to still want to attract him. After many years of this thinking I realized what I was doing and changed my attitude. I lost a lot of weight, I take the time with my hair and make up and make sure that I am dressed. I don't need to dress up every day, but I dress for the day and sometimes a little extra. The prize for me has been that attention from my husband. The comments. The special way he makes me feel. If I don't want my husband to look elsewhere I need to give him something to look at. For generations women have been able to maintain their appearances, raise children and keep house and they had far less conveniences than we do. The demands have not changed just the attitude.

As for the OP- just be honest with her. Let her know. It never helps any situation to tip toe around a problem and worry about hurt feelings. There are already hurt feelings in the relatiohship, you have them. Unless you want resentment to fester then they need to be dealt with, the root of problem needs to be dealt with. To keep a marriage strong and thriving then communication is key. No matter how you bring it up it's going to be a sensitive subject and she's going to get on the defensive. Being honest is the only way to resolve an issue.

 

[gods prophetess]

just sit her down and tell her that her weight concerns you that you want her to be healthy and live long.

 

[dallasapple]

The problem is that after we marry we tend to not care as much. We put all our efforts into being the best we can to attract our spouse when we were dating and now in marriage we somehow feel that we no longer need to put in the effort. Why should we? What is the prize? We already have our spouse.

I think that would be the problem for anyone that only kept healthy just to get the "look" of healthiness in order to win the attention of the oppositie sex and not because they cared enough about themselves to want to be healthy..If all you care about is "gettiing attention' then that WOULD be an issue for motivation trying to make another person be "attracted" to you .I personally havent and dont continue to stay in shape to try and "win a prize" myself I stay in shape because I feel better physically and I know I'm healthier and Im not exactly ready to die yet at the age of 44..I dont for example continue to brush my teeth and floss because I want to impress my husband with fresh breath and a bright smile..thats not the aim..the aim is to prevent tooth decay and keeping my teeth in my head for as long as I can..

I think eating habits and excersize should be approached the exact same way we approach anything we do for our health..not to impress anyone ..but because its caring about your self enough to want to be healthy..and being overweight and out of shape is a sign of "poor health" ...and not caring about yourself not your spouse.You should care about your health period.One day its not going to matter what I eat don't eat or how much excersize I get Im going to be faded and all wrinkled up ..If my husband decides then hes not attracted to me and doesnt give me any attention because of it thats his loss is how I will see that..

Dallas

 

[SharonL]

This is a very touchy subject because so much is put into looks. I raised my husbands 2 children ages 4 & 7 and our two children, put up with his mother and my mother dominating our lives - lots of stress - worked full time and cared for the children by myself as my husband was aways gone. There is more to life than nice fuzzy warm feelings - after I gave all my young years and gave it all I had and I don't look so good - if that was all he wants - he is free to go after it.

My husband's first wife was a drunk, a nempho and deserted her children - yet she looked good - therefore people showed more respect for that than someone who raised her kids, was a good person, a Christian and a hard worker - yet 'let herself go' if that's what you call it when you don't have time for yourself. What you say has lasting results. My husband has always been kind to me by not saying much about my weight - but once he was telling me about the guys standing around making fun of a fat person - he said they didn't know I had a fat wife - WOW - I said you had nothing to say about having a good wife. That has never left me. No matter how hard I try - I will never gain any respect from anyone because I am overweight. Always had good jobs because I knew I had to work hard because I could not get anyplace on my looks - so I earned my way up the ladder - but no matter how good a person you are - if you are overweight - it is all wiped out because of how you look.

 

[dallasapple]

This is a very touchy subject because so much is put into looks. I raised my husbands 2 children ages 4 & 7 and our two children, put up with his mother and my mother dominating our lives - lots of stress - worked full time and cared for the children by myself as my husband was aways gone. There is more to life than nice fuzzy warm feelings - after I gave all my young years and gave it all I had and I don't look so good - if that was all he wants - he is free to go after it.

My husband's first wife was a drunk, a nempho and deserted her children - yet she looked good - therefore people showed more respect for that than someone who raised her kids, was a good person, a Christian and a hard worker - yet 'let herself go' if that's what you call it when you don't have time for yourself. What you say has lasting results. My husband has always been kind to me by not saying much about my weight - but once he was telling me about the guys standing around making fun of a fat person - he said they didn't know I had a fat wife - WOW - I said you had nothing to say about having a good wife. That has never left me. No matter how hard I try - I will never gain any respect from anyone because I am overweight. Always had good jobs because I knew I had to work hard because I could not get anyplace on my looks - so I earned my way up the ladder - but no matter how good a person you are - if you are overweight - it is all wiped out because of how you look.

(((HUGS))))

I dont believe thankfully thats how eveyrone feels..I know I dont..(((HUGS)))

I do wish however you had taken more time for YOURSELF for your health and for your self esteem..Not to "impress" anyone ..You are already an IMPRESSIVE person..

Dallas

 

[SharonL]

Thanks Dallas - well I'm taking time now - LOL - I'm 76 years old - guess it's never too late. You are right everyone needs to watch their health - Too late for my self-esteem - it went a long time ago.

 

[dallasapple]

Thanks Dallas - well I'm taking time now - LOL - I'm 76 years old - guess it's never too late. You are right everyone needs to watch their health - Too late for my self-esteem - it went a long time ago.

((((HUGS))) again ..well YOU KNOW you are a good woman and at least I for one am saying you are!...And its NEVER too late to take care of ourselves in that way to "boost our self esteem" I say NEVER!Eatign right and excersize also LITTERALLY boost our natural "antidepressents" in our brain ..our endorphines..so ...its a "self esteem boost" in that way for sure..Your a "giver" so its hard for you to see Im sure that its a GOOD thing to give to your self sometimes..

Oh and 76 is the new 56!

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

Hey Sharon what part of Texas are you in???

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

My grandmother just died Sharon at NINETY EIGHT..anyway her neighbor that i have known since I was a child..LOOKED "awesome" liek she hadnt hardly aged..she is I think I remember she said 81..(she volunteered I dont go around asking woman (or men) how old they are)..anyway she said she goes DANCING (ballroom) 3 nights a week..I dont know her diet but she was "slender" (not bone thin) and had a "glowey look" about her..and Its not necessarrily she looked 20 years younger than she WAS..she didnt look liek she had AGED much since saw her abotu 12 years ago..Just "pretty and fresh" ..rosey and trim..with a little "sparkle in her eye..that kind of thing..not a HOT SEXY bathing suit model.. just pretty and sweet..fit and healthy looking..She "appeared" happy and energetic..and healthy..

BLAHH>.hope I didnt put my foot in my mouth..

Dallas

 

[SharonL]

Hey Sharon what part of Texas are you in???

Dallas

East Texas - I lived in Dallas also

 

[dallasapple]

East Texas - I lived in Dallas also

Hmm..My husbands parents are in Broadus now(EAST LOL) in the Alexandrian forest on Lake Sam Rayburn..Nearest to Lufkin for a bigger city..

anyway...LOVE Texas women..being Im one myself!!tee hee..(just kidden)

Ya'll out there in East Texas sound like you are auctioning something...LOL!!Went to visit my husbands parents and went into a Dairy Queen and couldnt understand them...askign me if I wanted tomato and "peppas" on my sandwich they said it so fast I couldnt hear it..

Anyway they are originally form south Texas Port Arthur to be exact..

OOPS derail...

Back to the OP..

Dallas

 

[Puptart]

Haven't read a single post in this thread, just addressing literally the subject/title question.

How do you tell her?

Just tell her.

If my husband felt that my weight was an issue (and I am a plus-sized gal), I would want him to say "Your weight is a problem for me" and then we would go ahead from there.

Would I be angry? Yes. Sad? Yes. Depressed? Maybe.

But I'd get over it, and we'd figure it out together.

Honesty > everything.

 

[anunbeliever]

The only problem is that it won't take very long before her aging body just doesn't look like a 20 year old's. You need to take steps to cultivate desire for her, yes it can be done.

This is intriguing advice. So many men need to be able to do this as they (and their wive's) get older. I'd very much welcome more advice on how to do this.

 

[JaneFW]

This is intriguing advice. So many men need to be able to do this as they (and their wive's) get older. I'd very much welcome more advice on how to do this.

Focus on what is important to you about your spouse. If she lost a leg, would you love her any less? Well, if the answer to that is "yes" - this isn't going to work. But anyway .. so, what drew you to her, other than her youth? Her sense of humor? Her values? Whatever it is over and above her youthfulness, those things will not change. Those should be the attributes that you truly love, and focus upon. Also, pray that you should always perceive her as young in your eyes. There is a lot more to youth than age, imo. Some people are old in their attitude when they are quite young, whereas others can maintain a positive and youthful outlook. You should both work to keep a youthful outlook - staying fit and healthy is a part of that. Having fun is important. Don't ever get like "we are old now, so we can't kick up a fuss any more." Of course you can!!

p.s. I just noticed that you were an agnostic, so the praying part you can obviously ignore.

 

[JRSut1000]

I guess the difference to me in that logic is that - can we equate losing a limb to gaining weight? She cant really do anything if she loses a limb, but is she willing to do something bout the weight gain or did we establish that maybe she has depression or something?

And yes, despite whatever struggles our spouse is going through it helps to focus on the positive and love them for those things and to support them so they can turn their struggles to success.

 

[JaneFW]

I guess the difference to me in that logic is that - can we equate losing a limb to gaining weight? She cant really do anything if she loses a limb, but is she willing to do something bout the weight gain or did we establish that maybe she has depression or something?

And yes, despite whatever struggles our spouse is going through it helps to focus on the positive and love them for those things and to support them so they can turn their struggles to success.

I'm not responding to the OP - this is a different poster asking about a different thing i.e. continuing to love your spouse as they get older.

 

[JRSut1000]

My topics change quickly on CF, lol. Thx for the head's up!

 

[anunbeliever]

Focus on what is important to you about your spouse. If she lost a leg, would you love her any less? Well, if the answer to that is "yes" - this isn't going to work. But anyway .. so, what drew you to her, other than her youth? Her sense of humor? Her values?...Those should be the attributes that you truly love, and focus upon.

In my case, my love for my wife is unchanging. I love her as much today as the day we married. However there is a disconnect between loving my wife and finding her to be sexually attractive. Love is a decision, a commitment, a deep bond. Attraction/arousal is chemical/hormonal. I think she is a beautiful person. But that isnt the kind of beauty that gets my pulse racing.

 

[bagpuss66]

some women put on weight once they have had children, their body never goes back the same. women have more fat on them than men. maybe love your wife for who she is and not what you want her to be, buy her a gym pass and you mind the children while she goes to the gym. buy her some flowers and show her how much you love her make her feel special.