How can I tell my wife that weight is an issue in our relationship?

[M76]

I have been married for over 10 years. Our marriage is good. I was 19 when I got married. I would not say that we were the perfect couple for each other, but we have made the best of it, and I have had a great 10 years.

Please forgive me for bringing this subject up, I have been searching around and wondering how I can deal with this without offending my wife.

Since our children were born, she has been gaining weight. Quite a bit. And as pretty as I think her face still is, I make myself turn away when I walk behind her. I just don't want to see it. I cant stand her waling around in her pajamas.... it makes the weight too visible.

Its just wrong, is it not? Should I not be attracted to her?

My first searching around on the internet resulted in a lot of divorce type of advise. And as a Christian I do not see this as an option. Never-mind the damage it would do to our children. And I still really love her, but it is hard to tell her she is beautiful when I am kinda grossed out by the weight. I don't even really want to have sex anymore. I don't want to take here on vacation to some warm place either, because it is just not attractive to me.

I know I am probably in the wrong, and that I need to ask myself why she is gaining the weight. Trust me, I do. I have looked for ways to be supportive. I make supper for her twice per week to take some work load off her. (I work, she is a stay at home mom) I try to spend time. I fail lots, but I try.

I see other couples, who seem happy together, and all the time I find myself then wishing that my wife lost that weight, and that this would make me happier. Does not need to be skinny, it is just too much.

My question really is, should I just sit down with her and tell her that her weight is a hindrance in our relationship? Or would that just make things worse? Please.... I really need some help!

 

[steve_bakr]

The way you tell her is to make it a health issue--"Honey, I want you to be healthy and live a long time. The only way to make that happen is for you to watch your diet and get more exercise."

 

[Romanseight2005]

The only problem is that it won't take very long before her aging body just doesn't look like a 20 year old's. You need to take steps to cultivate desire for her, yes it can be done. If you are oggling other women, or thinking about other women, stop completely, and allow yourself only to think of her sexually. Ask God to help you do this. But get rid of any attitudes of entitlement that feed the idea that she is unattractive to you. That is the most important. It's your job to maintain your attraction to your wife, it's not her job to jump through hoops to try to attract you. It would be good for her to get healthy, but your desire for her should be constant, not turned on and off depending on where her weight is.

 

[goose202]

Is she trying to stay healthy but not doing well, or do you think she's putting on weight because she either doesn't care, or looking after herself is a lower priority than other things in her life? My point being that perhaps it's her attitude that is actually what's bothering you. If it's attitude-related, you can discuss it with her without even mentioning the scary topic of weight.

 

[M76]

Thank you for giving me some different viewpoints to think about. Very good point about even ogling other women.

Yes, I do think that it may be attitude related. So I will have to think about a way to talk about this appropriately.

Thanks a lot for the responses!

 

[LinkH]

You can tell her in a mild way you wish she would lose some weight. You don't have to make it that serious of a conversation to start off with. See what she says. The way you do it depends on your wife. My wife and I talk very openly about such things.

If the weight is due to bearing your children, you definitely have to 'cut her some slack' since you did it to her, so to speak, and it was for the kids.

No woman is going to look 19 for every. Neither is any man. People usually look kind of good at 19, but don't look quite as good if they make it to 70, so looks needs to start becoming less important to us as a matter of emotional health, too. At 29 or 30 though, that's still pretty young.

Why don't you say you're concerned that she has put on some weight and offer to exercise with her or make time for her to exercise. Buy some decent exercise equipment, a video series or whatever, and either exercise with her, or make the time for her by doing something with the kids, doing the dishes, or whatever it is that you can do to free up her time.

You could also get a WII or X-Box 360 and put in a physically demanding game and play it with her. I don't have either, but some friends had a kids X-Box game where you had to jump over logs rolling at you and stuff like that. I played it with the kids for a while. It was exhausting.

If you have a little baby, you may just have to wait until the baby can sleep through the night before doing anything.

It would be cool to have a bike, ski machine, or treadmill that powered the TV. If all TVs worked that way, our country would be a whole lot thinner.

 

[mamawolf]

coming from a woman who had a husband that told me me i was fat, it hurts. and i know that it can be attitude and child related dmy weight still is i eat on the go as i am always dealing with something with the kids. and on the note of attitude even if she is over weight she still needs to hear shes beautiful no matter what. she may not even think you care enough to notice her so why should she try to make herself what you want her to be and further her weight does not change who she is and who she was when you were first married, embrace your love with your wife she djust may need to hear that she is beautiful to you and it may change everything.

 

[peckaboo]

The way you tell her is to make it a health issue--"Honey, I want you to be healthy and live a long time. The only way to make that happen is for you to watch your diet and get more exercise."

coming from a woman who had a husband that told me me i was fat, it hurts. ... she still needs to hear shes beautiful no matter what.

I think these can be combined very well. Even if you don't feel real attracted to her whole body at the moment, look for specific things about her that are beautiful. You said you still think she has a pretty face, so tell her that. And consciously look for things that are still attractive about her body. Does she keep her nails looking nice? Does she have soft skin? Does she smell good? Does she put her outfits together in an attractive way? if you start looking for things to be attracted to, you'll find them Chances are she's aware of her weight gain and probably doesn't feel great about it, but if you cultivate a background of affirmation and build up her self-esteem a little, it'll make it that much easier for her to hear and not feel personally criticized if you tell her later that you're concerned about her health.

One thing I'd suggest (which might be obvious) - when you do come to talk about her weight, leave any lack of attraction on your part completely out of the conversation. Chances are she's already paranoid about that (that might be the reason for the not-so-pretty pyjamas - some women, when they get bigger, feel like their body's not worth beautiful clothes anymore ) and if you mention it, even in passing, her mind will zero in on that and not hear your other valid concerns about her health.

Just my 2 cents!

Edit: after I'd posted this, I received an email from one of the blogs I subscribe to. I never know what the rules are about posting links on this site, but I thought today's post might be interesting reading for you:
http://www.assumelove.com/2012/04/what_are_you_waiting_for.html
In case the link gets deleted, it's at assumelove.com, and the title of the post is "What are you waiting for?"

 

[Anessa14]

wow peckaboo! wow! GREAT link, and something for me to seriously meditate and pray over. thank you.

Back to the OP: No; telling her that her weight is a hindrance is NOT necessary. your wife knows she is overweight. You don't have to tell her. She probably also knows that you're turned off by it. My advice, because you asked:
1. you never have to mention it, except to notice if she is losing or looks great in something.
2. making dinner a couple times a week is wonderful-- how about making plans to be alone with your wife? Even if it's a walk around the neighborhood, holding hands (which accomplishes many goals at the same time) Can a neighbor or friend watch the kids for 30 min.?
3. are you shallow enough to even think about ending a marriage over this? If so, she's better off without you. What if it were medications that kept her alive that caused the weight gain.... I'm just trying to get you to see that obesity is an illness, a dis-ease that is caused by so many things. I believe mostly that people try to 'stuff' down their pain and hurt feelings by overeating. It's a literal protective shell for some.

For better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, pretty or not, smart or dumb, skinny or fat...... forsaking all others (body AND mind) till death do you part.

written by a fat lady. I was fat when he met me, fat when he married me, and despite all efforts, including surgical, still fat. And still loved.

 

[Anessa14]

M76- still thinking about your post, and so I have a couple more things to add....

be such a husband that your wife comes to you, knowing you love and cherish her, to speak of her deepest fear. When she does speak to you about her weight, THEN you may ASK her what she would like you to do to help her.

and I repeat: YOU should not bring up the subject. It is your problem, not hers.

and add to those vows- bald or hairy. Wouldn't it be amazing if your wife obsessed about finding you attractive when your hairline starts receding?

 

[Cerenity77]

Hello there, I couldn't agree more with this quote below:

I was in the exact same situation, b/c of major stressors in our marriage i went from being physically healty to completely letting myself go! I gained easily a little over 100 lbs since 2005!!!

For a long time my husband never complained but it was in his actions or lack thereof that spoke volumes to how he really felt! Our once great sex life went down the tubes i was so busy feeling insecure i kept hiding myself in frumpy ugly clothing, it got to the point we both avoided sex like the plague. It wasn't till 3 years ago finally my husband started to really take care of himself and he would start talking about how he missed our good ol days and that he wants us both to take care of ourselves for eachother and not only for our health and longevity but also for eachothers enjoyment.

Well at first what i thought was very hurtful, i know deep down he was right and now 2 yrs later, we both still do our part to keep healty we both excercise together and eat right together, he always helps me and he even trains me in the gym sometimes... and after dinner we go for a walk w/ our two dogs, all these "little" things have made a profound difference! I lost much more than half of the weight, I'm not skinny but i'm healthy and curvascious 150 just they way he likes it. And were both happier for it. It's affected every aspect of our lives for the better!, most especially in the bedroom which in the end saves our marriage from outside temptations and adultury!

It made it easier for me to take see my husband take the initiative and take care of himself first, b/c that's what motivated me to want to look good for him, b/c i didn't want to be left out of not only enjoying his new self but i also wanted to enjoy being me again!

Hope this was helpful. But i feel you should just be very honest but be very gentle at the same time.
I pray everything works out for the both of you, and God bless you Always, in Jesus' name!

M76- still thinking about your post, and so I have a couple more things to add....

be such a husband that your wife comes to you, knowing you love and cherish her, to speak of her deepest fear. When she does speak to you about her weight, THEN you may ASK her what she would like you to do to help her.

and I repeat: YOU should not bring up the subject. It is your problem, not hers.

and add to those vows- bald or hairy. Wouldn't it be amazing if your wife obsessed about finding you attractive when your hairline starts receding?

 

[mamawolf]

If your wife doesnt feel loved by you especially then she wont come to you for anything, have you told her that you love her since she gained weight? even God loves regardless of size weight skin color what you wear what you do He doesnt ever tell one of his children that He cant stand them becasue they are fat or dressed funny or whatever the case He loves them regardless.

 

[mamawolf]

infact come to think of it my dad came to me once this year telling me that he has a problem with my moms weight and such, however he also told me that he loves my mom enough to let it past because he knows that she is depressed and in her own time will she talk about it. my parents have been together for 30 years married for 28 of those 30. my mom was skinny when they married and after having 4 children things started to get a little out of hand their youngest child is 19.

 

[JRSut1000]

I dont think its right for anyone to let themselves go, male or female. My husband and I both have let ourselves go and its not attractive. I went on a strict diet when he was away on a business trip because I knew it was important for my health and also I wanted to be good looking again for my husband. I lost a fair amount of weight, noticeably different. Of course now Im gaining weight again now that Im pregnant but Im glad to be starting out healthy.

In my case the weight gain was due to one thing - I just simply let myself go. I like to eat, always have since I was a kid but it didnt catch up to me until my 20s so Im learning I just cant do what I did when I was a kid. But I can still enjoy food, just within proper balance.

Im sure others probably have mentioned, but a lot of times major weight gain for women does have to do with emotional issues or depression. I dealth with PPD (not diagnosed but looking back I know it was that). But also in looking back, I should have done something about it and plan to next postpartum if I feel those big blues coming on. There really is no excuse to not get help, at least thats how I see it. Between the love of family, the medical community, and God's help - we have what we need to be excellent (not perfect, but not sliding into big issues either) for Him, for others, and for ourselves.

P.S. I dont think its terrible of you to be disappointed by your wife's weight gain. It is obvious to us that you love her very much and just make sure its obvious to her too. Love covers a multitude of mistakes but love also wants what is best for the other person. My husband isnt really watching his weight much, he's not huge or anything just not like when I married him. I kinda wish he could care more about his weight for his job, his health (and energy levels), and just to feel good about himself and look good for me. But like you, I love my spouse very much and he's got a lot of other super qualities! So just letting you know, these things do happen and its okay to feel the way you do as long as love presides.

 

[SharonL]

From someone who has battled this half my life I can tell you there is no answer that will not hurt. I married a man with 2 kids, mother deserted them, I had a very dominating mother and he had a very dominating mother - I dealt with all this when I married him, after trying to keep the kids together - ages 4 & 7 - once we married he chose to throw himself into his job and was gone all the time, I was left to deal with 2 step-children and 2 mothers dominating my life. I ate out of frustration. No excuse I know but that is it.

As someone who gave it all, I resented any remarks made about my weight. All I could think of was that I was a good person, a good step-mother and a good wife - but all anyone could see was my weight. I fought it many years, finding out later that diabetes was causing the weight gain.

To make a long story short, All my skinny friends are divorced and out of all my group of friends our marriage has survived 53 years. My husband wishes I would lose weight, but shows his love for me as I am. I am finally being successful and it is all in eating healthy and not strict diets, my husband and I both are trying to eat healthy, our blood pressure is down, my diabetic figures are coming in line, but it took a 99% blockage to my heart to put the fear into us.

The main thing is to show your wife you still love her, she is still the same inside. There are many reasons for weight gain and I have been a failure at it for many, many years, but I have a wonderful husband that has stood by me. I will forever respect him for that.

 

[Kol]

Don't worry. Give it a couple of years and you'll catch up with her.

 

[JRSut1000]

lol, thats not very helpful.

 

[dallasapple]

The way you tell her is to make it a health issue--"Honey, I want you to be healthy and live a long time. The only way to make that happen is for you to watch your diet and get more exercise."

Even though I agree it IS a health issue ..this is a lie..he didnt mention anythgn at ALL about being concerend with her health..only his happiness level..and his concren over HIS need to have an attractive wife(attractive enough for HIM to want to have sex with her)...so you are advsing he lie straight to her face..He didnt say anything at al about being worried if she lives a long time or not or any of that..thats made up..and on that note Im wondering why that ISNT a concern if he loves her like he says..

Dallas

 

[dallasapple]

I have been married for over 10 years. Our marriage is good. I was 19 when I got married. I would not say that we were the perfect couple for each other, but we have made the best of it, and I have had a great 10 years.

Also Im curious..you said "and I have had a great 10 years"..Has SHE had a great 10 years?I mean have you asked her?Has she mentioned it? Or do you assume if you have she has?

Its very possible and actually not that uncommon..that one person is "happy" and the other person is downright miserable..or lets say "not happy"..

And a lot of people use food to fill a void of unhappiness..and even boredom..(or both)..and especially if sex doesnt make the world go round for her..she may not really be all concerned about maintaining your "happiness" ...if thats more about you than her...

Just a few more ideas to ponder..

Dallas

 

[bethrow]

If she's gaining weight...she is most likely unhappy with a number of areas in her life. When a woman lets the house, herself, her life go...it's a major red flag and you need to tread carefully and find out what is causing it.
My husband and I have had this issue because he spends his time and his thoughts (looking at and talking to other women on the internet). And actually we had a big blow up this weekend where I told him,"Don't you see me? Don't you care? Take a look around you...is your house clean and tidy? Am I slim, sexy, and healthy? Don't you care?" His answer was yes, he cared. I told him,"Well it doesn't look like it cause I'm feeling miserable because I feel that you don't care and I am sick and tired of you putting yourself into the fantasy world rather than reality here with me."
If you care about her and love her then you will either need to start making changes in your own life(cause I'm sure there are things about you she finds unappealing or things you do that hurt her or bug her).
I told my husband that things better change because if they don't sex will be never, I'll be fat, and the house will be a shambles. I'm not saying you are looking at other women and talking to women online, but there is a reason she's let herself go.
Ask her. Are you happy? Are you happy with me? Start talking. Love her. Care for her...show her you love her regardless of her size. If you don't she'll never feel good enough, worthy enough and will just stop trying like I have.