How can I stop hating my dad

[Jupiter Drops]

EDIT: I've thought this over and I think that there's no reason to hate my dad. It's just hard to get over what I think of him. Yes, he does have those sides that I hate, but I think I'm the one with a lot of issues. The problem here's that I think that I'm right, and yes, I do have the right to be angry and frustrated over the past. But I'm not right for hating my dad for what he's done and for not moving on.

This issue's been eating me up for a while now, so I vented on this thread. But I think it's time for me to know how to solve these issues instead of letting it get to my head like an adult. I can't stay as a child forever.

I feel ashamed for writing about how I hate my dad. It doesn't make me feel any better. It made me did feel good for only a little while, but then my conscious later caught up to it. I also remembered Jesus and how He would forgive people 77 times over. I wanted to take revenge, but not anymore...

 

[rambot]

Sometimes, it's hard to love my dad. He has too many issues, and although as a family we try to understand him, he doesn't seem to want to help himself. He wants to go with what he feels selfishly.

I thought that I got over hating him, but now I realize very clearly that no, I'm still not over my past traumas. I get angry when he comes into my room and asks what I'm doing when he already sees what I'm doing. I do understand the fact that he's not much of a talker other than repetitively saying something as a topic to his family. I hate the fact that I have to repeat to him several times about what I've just said. It's never once or twice - it's several times. And he gets really angry if I say, "I've said this ___ many times!" At least, he used to get super angry when I used to say it.

I think that I'm the one with so many problems. I can't stand it anymore. I want to get out of this house as fast as I can.

Why do I have to force myself to like someone? It just happens that he gets violently angry so that we have to pretend to get along and support him despite his flaws and problems that affect us. And I HATE it so much!!

I can't talk to him or my mom over this issue. They're not exactly good at talking it all out. If we do say that so and so is an issue, he gets super angry and flips out if it seems to be his fault. That's just it. He doesn't want to admit that he has issues.


Another thing- my grandmother passed away about four years ago, and I wasn't close with her. We lived very far away from her. I regret the fact that I didn't treat her right, but at the same time, I feel that it was right of me to be indifferent to her when she came to visit us because all she ever cared about in life was herself.

When she died, I knew that my dad was angry and upset, and it's normal for people to feel that way when their beloved ones pass on. But even after four years, he just randomly starts speaking about her in front of me at the most random times, and it irks me. It annoys me so much because he just mentions her, talks about what it would be like if grandma were still alive, and gets weepy, and it makes me feel like he wants me to feel the same way too. He does like to press on with what he likes, and it gets really annoying when he does that. I don't feel the same way, so I change the topic, but he just keeps on going at it with grandma.

It's not like I've never thought about grandma and what it would've been like if I treated her a bit better despite her selfishness.

I don't want to console him because it's awkward, and I don't think that children normally console their parents. Yet he wants someone to feel sorry for him, and I don't want to do that. It's not my job. It's always me who he talks to about grandma, and no one else, not even to mom. I also don't feel the same way about grandma's death.

My dad's mom was never good to her son, tbh.

If he does strike another match, I think this time I'll really heave the oil over. This time, if he really tries to do any funny business, I'll look straight over at his face, grab anything in my way, and destroy everything in sight. Or, I will abandon him and never return. That's how I really feel.

I hate myself for feeling so inadequate due to my past, and I hate myself for hating my parent.

I don't want to sound like one of those black comedy, parody characters with trauma issues, but it seems that I am one now. Reality is so unkind. Traumas are not to be made fun of, but a lot of people don't understand it, so they push people with trauma to suicide. I really could've died many times, and I'm still trying to hold onto my sanity. I don't want to end up like him or any of my relatives with too many issues.

In the end, I feel really selfish and disgusted about this because after all, he was the one who raised me, sent me to school... But there's more to life than that. He was also the one who mentally and physically abused me, and tortured our family with his selfishness. I just don't know how to feel about this person anymore. He expects me to pity him or treat him better, but he should know better because he's a middle aged man.

Dunno why there are some grown ups act who like foolish, immature children... I need to get over this or else I'll just be stuck with this issue forever. Please help, thank you.

Hey Jupiter Drops. Thank you for sharing your story. Healing and help can only come when others know the story.


First and foremost is ALWAYS ALWAYS safety. If his anger creates an unsafe atmosphere and people get hurt or things get broken, changes may need to occur from outside the family if he's unwilling to step up to being a man and take care of himself. It sounds like some significant family and personal counsellin' may help you, your dad, and your family unit. In the interim, if the stress gets to be too great, do you have places where you can go to be safe? Or stay for a while? Is the abuse current or has it stopped?


I work with teens who grew up in awful AWFUL atmospheres and counsel them daily. One thing that I can always encourage a teen to remember is that: IT GETS BETTER! You will always have the same dad, but you will not always have to live with him or be around him. There will come a time when your autonomy will dictate what kind of relationship you will have with him.

One thing that strikes me about your post is the concept of "selfishness". What kinds of things do you see that make you think he is being selfish?

It's hard to believe but your father really does love you. He does. But that doesn't mean that what he's doing as a parent is good. If you father is not keepin' you safe, and you recognize that, you are fully within your rights to make yourself safe.

Best of luck to you. I will certainly pray for you. And if you want to carry on the discussion further with me, I am more than happy to PM if you need.

 

[joey_downunder]

I managed to read your story before you edited it, I sympathise because going through a similar type of struggle with my mother.

Mentally I am trying to walk a tightrope between forgiveness and accountability. I do not hate her, but I want justice to be done. I want the truth about the situation to be exposed but I don't want her to be hurt either because that would achieve absolutely nothing at all for anyone. Does that make sense?

 

[Jupiter Drops]

Thank you, rambot.

No, the abuse isn't ongoing as it used to be, but I do know for a fact that he could violently explode at anytime if nothing goes his way. About few weeks ago, I saw my dad wasting water in our kitchen, and I jokingly mentioned how it must be fun to play with water. Like my mom, I was also frustrated with him wasting so much water, but she didn't say anything to him for a long time because of his attitude. Anyway, he exploded at me using curse words, and I got really hurt emotionally. But the funny thing is that even though I felt like crying, I didn't. I felt stronger than before. I used to cry and it gave other people more pleasure to bully me, like my dad. I just brushed it off, and I can't remember what happened next, but everything went back to normal.

I know that my dad loves me, but as you said, it's hard to believe it. I keep on questioning myself, "If he loves me, why does he do these things?" He yells at me for being no good, and he's a total hypocrite at times.

It's hard to say it, but the one who made me barely get my high school diploma and depressed were my parents, specifically my dad. Like I said before, it was worse back then. My parents fought constantly, and when they saw me, they would nag about how I don't study, how I gained weight, how I'm not like that sporty girl or the genius mathematician child next door... It just went on and on. The stress and pressure cumulated until one winter, I got beat up by my dad for apparently, 'not loving him.' Around that same time, I also got kicked out of my house. I remember it being a really cold winter. He also complained about how he had to teach me math and how I just couldn't get it. It was the same with my mom except she pushed it all on my dad. I had to be violently punished if I didn't understand a math problem. That made me snap. I didn't study much as I should've, I didn't go to the school I wanted to go to, and I wasn't outgoing and was labeled as the 'shy kid,' and I regret it all a lot more than anyone.

I'm going away to college next year. I'm glad that I don't have to put up with them as much anymore.

 

[Jupiter Drops]

I managed to read your story before you edited it, I sympathise because going through a similar type of struggle with my mother.

Mentally I am trying to walk a tightrope between forgiveness and accountability. I do not hate her, but I want justice to be done. I want the truth about the situation to be exposed but I don't want her to be hurt either because that would achieve absolutely nothing at all for anyone. Does that make sense?

I also feel the same way. I want some justice to be done and I want this whole thing to be exposed. I feel like I've been living such a fake life that I don't know how to be honest anymore. I used to fake smile and laugh all the time to hide my pain and be normal. Now I'm recovering from faking on the outside. I'm learning to be more honest.

When you feel hurt, express it. It's not good to let it bottle up inside. I'm learning it the hard way. If you have the chance to tell your mother, with the support of others, now might be a good time. You never know what might happen tomorrow. It's not about her hurting. It's about her knowing, learning, and both of you moving on.

My parents act as if nothing happened in our family and act as if it's all normal still. I at the moment don't have the desire to talk it over with them, and I don't want to really let them in right now. I'm going to have to become stronger.

 

[joey_downunder]

It was never safe to express emotions in my household either. Instead of fists it was a mixture of verbal abuse and crocodile tears (when the conscience was pricked hard enough).
It sounds like it is great you're able to move away from it next year!

Would you say your Dad is an emotional terrorist?

 

[If Not For Grace]

What you are experiencing sounds more like Grief. You have every right, perhaps if you can understand the process it will help. There has been a loss, just like a death. Now 1st off it is what it is..but then there's what you know should have been-therefore the feeling of loss...We all suffer loss but know there is a standard cycle that involves no less than 5 stages (some say 7) but

The Five Stages of Grief, includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In no defined sequence, or paticular order.

Hopefully you will know this will let you know that you are not alone nor should you feel guilt for your feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong they just are. I see you have learned alot on your own and your maturity shows in the way you have handled the situation.

Forgiveness is for you not for him. It is about letting go of the hurt so that you don't have to spend anymore of your life in that spot. you do it so YOU can move on. That does not mean you accept the unacceptable behavior by condoning it. You accept the fact that life is not fair and instead of being the victim you break the cycle by learning the lesson...That is how NOT to be. It's a matter of perspective.

Remember the WAY up and down the staircase is the same .. it's all just a matter of direction. You are headed in the right direction and you will get to acceptance. I'm glad you are headed to college-your future is so much brighter than your Dad's.

Honoring your Father and Mother does not mean you have to approve of all their actions, just honor the position. Without them you would not BE (period). Now just know you don't have to BEcome them. BE you. You're ok.

 

[Jupiter Drops]

I would say that my dad is somewhat of an emotional terrorist. Not completely, although I've seen where he could go to the extreme. The same with my mom except lesser.

They were going to divorce before, and to be very honest, I was extremely happy at the time when I heard it. I was in my early teenager stage, but I knew how horrible our family situation was. But a week after that announcement, I don't know what happened but they said that they weren't going to divorce and everything went back to 'normal.' At that moment, I was distraught. My pain wasn't acknowledged, and what's even worse was that I had to put up with more family violence and problems.

They at times blamed me for everything. About money. About how they had to stay together because of me. Recently, my dad mentioned how he's staying with mom because of me. I call that a load of BS, and it hurts a lot for me for him to say that to my face so nonchalantly.

 

[joey_downunder]

That was very unfair of him to say that to you. Kids getting blamed for parents' marital decisions - how illogical is that?!!!!

You are in no way responsible for any decision your father or mother makes. He chose to stay with her - if he is as selfish as you describe then he would have moved on if he really wanted to do that. Same for your mother.

 

[Jupiter Drops]

What you are experiencing sounds more like Grief. You have every right, perhaps if you can understand the process it will help. There has been a loss, just like a death. Now 1st off it is what it is..but then there's what you know should have been-therefore the feeling of loss...We all suffer loss but know there is a standard cycle that involves no less than 5 stages (some say 7) but

The Five Stages of Grief, includes denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In no defined sequence, or paticular order.

Hopefully you will know this will let you know that you are not alone nor should you feel guilt for your feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong they just are. I see you have learned alot on your own and your maturity shows in the way you have handled the situation.

Forgiveness is for you not for him. It is about letting go of the hurt so that you don't have to spend anymore of your life in that spot. you do it so YOU can move on. That does not mean you accept the unacceptable behavior by condoning it. You accept the fact that life is not fair and instead of being the victim you break the cycle by learning the lesson...That is how NOT to be. It's a matter of perspective.

Remember the WAY up and down the staircase is the same .. it's all just a matter of direction. You are headed in the right direction and you will get to acceptance. I'm glad you are headed to college-your future is so much brighter than your Dad's.

Honoring your Father and Mother does not mean you have to approve of all their actions, just honor the position. Without them you would not BE (period). Now just know you don't have to BEcome them. BE you. You're ok.

Thank you so much! I've noticed about a year or two ago that I was going through Grief. I denied it at first, but eventually I accepted my situation and position. I've been depressed for about 6-8 years or so, and it was hard to get out of it. I always have to thank God for getting me out.

If what you said is true, I feel sad that I'm heading to a future brighter than my dad. I feel sad because there was so much potential in this person that was lost. He also had horrible childhood from what I hear from my mom and my relatives.

But I have to move on. I think of God's promise and I want to move on. It's just that I get stuck in this rut again from time to time with my parents. It's getting hard again...

I weep over that loss of potential in my parents sometimes. They really could've been more than what they are now. I wonder why these kind of things happen, but it's the experience that both humbles and matures us as Christians. I only hope that the same thing doesn't happen to me. That is what I'm afraid of.

I want to leave the rest up to God, and I hope that He will open the way.

 

[Jupiter Drops]

That was very unfair of him to say that to you. Kids getting blamed for parents' marital decisions - how illogical is that?!!!!

You are in no way responsible for any decision your father or mother makes. He chose to stay with her - if he is as selfish as you describe then he would have moved on if he really wanted to do that. Same for your mother.

At times he's a good father, and he sacrificed a lot for his kids. At times, he takes it all away and gives pain without realizing it himself.

So I guess... they're not really as selfish as I thought? As far as I know, they're not going to get divorced anytime soon. They need each other because they work together.

 

[If Not For Grace]

I

wonder why these kind of things happen, but it's the experience that both humbles and matures us as Christians. I only hope that the same thing doesn't happen to me. That is what I'm afraid of.

You answered your own question. We keep getting the lesson until we learn or die. Dad gets an opportunity everyday...That's his business..You are doing well with yours-you are already entering acceptance-the rest just invovles letting go. Even If DAD never gets it-you sort of get to make up for it. We do not have to become our parents. IF everybody did there would never be progress, new inventions etc..So you just keep using that brain. Apply yourself to school with the head start you got you could be the next Henry Ford or Hillary Clinton or Anwar Sadat....or Joyce Meyer or Joel Olsteen..or an animal rescuer..All Noble professions.

 

[Jupiter Drops]

^ That's true. Thank you

 

[joey_downunder]

At times he's a good father, and he sacrificed a lot for his kids. At times, he takes it all away and gives pain without realizing it himself.

So I guess... they're not really as selfish as I thought? As far as I know, they're not going to get divorced anytime soon. They need each other because they work together.

Yes it is good your parents have managed to work things out, which definitely says something good about them both.

 

[kopite]

i hated my dad so much i stopped talking to him after one almighty argument. i loved him so much even after what he put me through, physical and mental abuse. he died a year later, and it took many many years to accept forgiveness. i never got to tell him sorry, that i loved him and forgave him. i trusted in jesus on these issues and feel good about the way i feel.

 

[funtimes]

The Commandment to honor our parents is because they gave you life, not because the eaned honor or respect.

There is a commandment to love God (Deuteronomy 6:4), because sometimes when we are being punished for sin, He is unloveable.

 

[Jupiter Drops]

Thanks everyone.

For the past week, he's been moody. He's like a child, so it's hard to talk to him. He ignores me when I talk to him, as if he didn't hear any word I just said. I want to avoid him as much as possible this week. He makes me angry at times. He expects me to say hi to him and greet him when he comes home, yet I'm treated like a pet because I'm not 'independent,' according to him, so that makes me a nothing. I'm tired of it.

I really wish that I never had a father at times like these. At times, I wish that I were never born. Other times, I wish that I had a better father and not a child-dad.