How can I stop going too far sexually with my girlfriend?

Fatolia · May 7, 2009

Every time I make out with my girlfriend, it goes one step further. First it was passionate kissing, then some fondling, then some dry humping, then lots of dry humping. We've both got naturally aggressive drives, and we feed off each other, and so it just ends up happening. It feels amazing, we are very compatible physically, and now we're finding we both crave sex.

But we're both intending to save sex 'til marriage. This is a discipline that we very much want to keep until we're married to our spouses. We know that we would feel really guilty if we "blow" it, as well as messing up future potential of a blessed marriage with any spouse.

It's been suggested that we don't spend any alone time together, but that's unreasonable because we would still like to kiss. I really care about her and want the best. Any tips to repurify our relationship?

r3b0rn · May 7, 2009

If it starts with passionate kissing, then i'd say refrain from doing that. I know, you'd still like to kiss, but if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off - right?

Flee also youthful lusts.

The best way to fight it is to run. Don't put yourself in situations where you are tempted, just don't. Pray for strength and discuss it with each other.

explodingboy · May 7, 2009

err.. just get married then?

or never be alone together, I'm sure someone will be in suggesting that soon.

The Nihilist · May 8, 2009

95% of people have premarital sex and only 50% of people divorce. Sex won't screw it up.

sarahbear42 · May 8, 2009

There is a book titled "The Passion of Purity" that you might give a read. And there is a difference between kissing and making out. Step up and be the strength... if you really want to kiss her, then kiss her, count to 5, (or 10, or whatever is long enough to be a good kiss but not long enough for things to get heated) and then gently pull away.

Opalsunset · May 8, 2009

My boyfriend and I go through the same thing, I find I have to just spend time with others as well to refrain from going too far..It's not easy though, that is for sure. When it feels like passion is rising, you need to pull away and focus on something else at that point.

bliz · May 9, 2009

The easiest thing to control is where you are together. When you are alone together, if you are someplace where you COULD have sexual relations, you are in the wrong place. The chances of things getting out of hand at Starbucks are much smaller than if you are in her apartment. Control where, and you'll be better able to control what.

Godzila · May 9, 2009

I personally even save the Kissing till marriage.

SiyoNqoba · May 9, 2009

Honestly, I think you'd be hard pressed to find a Christian couple who stayed completely pure right up until their wedding date (note: I didn't say it never happens, just that it seems to be quite rare), so don't beat yourself up over it. We all sin, that's why Jesus died.

That being said, I agree 100% with r3b0rn. If it starts off with passionate kissing, then stop with the passionate kissing.

latteda · May 11, 2009

bliz said:
The easiest thing to control is where you are together. When you are alone together, if you are someplace where you COULD have sexual relations, you are in the wrong place. The chances of things getting out of hand at Starbucks are much smaller than if you are in her apartment. Control where, and you'll be better able to control what.

That's exactly what I was going to say. You can find places that are private enough to kiss, but not private enough to take it further. Go for walks in a public park in the evening or something.

Fatolia · May 12, 2009

Thanks for your ideas so far. It's just not as easy as it seems.

So far the solutions people recommend:
1) Break up. (okay, why do this if we like each other?)
2) Stop kissing altogether. (this one could only possibly come from someone who has never kissed before in his/her life. It's a joyful/fun thing)
3) Have sex and get it over with (that sort of misses the point of staying 'pure')
4) Go some place public (that's not going to stop two horny people from going at it. If any place is private enough to kiss, it's probably twenty feet away from being able to go at it...just from personal experience)

Any other ideas? I'm looking for something radical and fresh but doesn't involve the violent removal of body parts.

explodingboy · May 12, 2009

Chastity belts, and the ring thing that jabs your todger if it gets excited.

that any better?

Fatolia · May 12, 2009

explodingboy said:
Chastity belts, and the ring thing that jabs your todger if it gets excited.

that any better?

Better, but I'm looking for something that still allows her to feel somewhat attracted to me.

miss_klara · May 13, 2009

You need to make a hard, concentrated effort with this, or it'll go further... and further... and further...
Further than you can imagine letting it get, at this stage.
Work hard, or you'll be severely disappointed.

Bootstrap · May 13, 2009

Fatolia said:
Thanks for your ideas so far. It's just not as easy as it seems.

So far the solutions people recommend:
1) Break up. (okay, why do this if we like each other?)
2) Stop kissing altogether. (this one could only possibly come from someone who has never kissed before in his/her life. It's a joyful/fun thing)
3) Have sex and get it over with (that sort of misses the point of staying 'pure')
4) Go some place public (that's not going to stop two horny people from going at it. If any place is private enough to kiss, it's probably twenty feet away from being able to go at it...just from personal experience)

Any other ideas? I'm looking for something radical and fresh but doesn't involve the violent removal of body parts.

It isn't at all easy.

There's a book called "The Answer to How is Why". It's often really difficult to know how to do something if you aren't clear on why you are doing something.

Most of the time, it's easy to visualize what it would be like to go all the way, why we would want to do it, and how great it would be.

So what would it be like to not go all the way, why would we want to do it, and why is it great - or at least the right thing to do, even if it's frustrating? I don't think most of us are motivated by shoulds. Well, there are some people who are - I think my girlfriend just doesn't want to do something if she thinks she shouldn't - but there are other people like me who need better reasons.

captainslow · May 13, 2009

I myself am a person looking for solutions to things. Sometimes (actualy more of the times) it is quick fixes I am after. This is one of those not so quick fixes. At the end of the day, it will defintely be about prayer and you realy need to have a will to stay away from it. I was with a girl for 7 years, no sex, but regular stuff you mention. If I only had a the will to stay away from it and not stray and also pray about it then I would still be with her. A pure woman, everything you would want in someone etc.

Point is, you need to pray, have the will and realize that one day you don't want to look back and regret stuff and ask a question that haunts me every day "How things could have been!!"

At least you taking the first step and making a change.

waxlion10 · May 13, 2009

I'm not sure if anyone here can give you the answers. To be honest, it sounds like you two just need some good, old-fashioned self-discipline, resolve, and accountability.
Here is my main suggestion:
Find an accountability partner each of you. Someone who is older and wiser than you (preferably) and of the same sex. Someone who can text you when you're out with your girlfriend just to say "hey, how's it going?" and really help hold you accountable in this area of your life and in other areas you may struggle with.

Having an accountability/prayer partner was one of the BEST things for my spiritual walk overall, and having THAT intact will help you avoid the things the Holy Spirit convicts you of.

Fatolia · May 13, 2009

captainslow said:
I myself am a person looking for solutions to things. Sometimes (actualy more of the times) it is quick fixes I am after. This is one of those not so quick fixes. At the end of the day, it will defintely be about prayer and you realy need to have a will to stay away from it. I was with a girl for 7 years, no sex, but regular stuff you mention. If I only had a the will to stay away from it and not stray and also pray about it then I would still be with her. A pure woman, everything you would want in someone etc.

Point is, you need to pray, have the will and realize that one day you don't want to look back and regret stuff and ask a question that haunts me every day "How things could have been!!"

At least you taking the first step and making a change.

Thank you. You're very encouraging. Would you be able to share why your girlfriend left because you didn't have "the will to stay away from it and not stray and also pray about it"?

From your story it makes it seem like my gf could possibly one day realize that I'm a dirty temptation on her life, and that she would ditch me to retain her purity.

Bootstrap · May 13, 2009

Fatolia said:
Thank you. You're very encouraging. Would you be able to share why your girlfriend left because you didn't have "the will to stay away from it and not stray and also pray about it"?

From your story it makes it seem like my gf could possibly one day realize that I'm a dirty temptation on her life, and that she would ditch me to retain her purity.

I don't like the words you used, but I do think one of the important questions is whether your relationship helps each of you to maintain your integrity and do what is right - not just in your physical relationship, but your physical relationship is part of it.

If either of you feels you have to compromise your integrity to stay in the relationship, that's a good sign something is seriously wrong. I would encourage anyone in that situation to walk away, because in the long run, your integrity matters more than most other things, both before God and for your own sake.

That said, I think temptation is built in. If no part of you wants to sleep with your girlfriend, you're probably not in the right relationship. That doesn't make you dirty, it does make you human. But you already knew you're human, judging by your earlier posts ;->

latteda · May 13, 2009

Fatolia said:
Thank you. You're very encouraging. Would you be able to share why your girlfriend left because you didn't have "the will to stay away from it and not stray and also pray about it"?

From your story it makes it seem like my gf could possibly one day realize that I'm a dirty temptation on her life, and that she would ditch me to retain her purity.

Those are very strong words and a strong way to put it, but there could be some truth to it. If you are violating your moral convictions (which I assume you are since you started this topic in the first place) there will be consequences for that. This is one of the many possible consequences. She might not "ditch" you because you're "a dirty temptation," but there is always the possibility that things might have to be called off in order for either one of you to remain loyal to your convictions and what you believe God wants you to do. I'm just being honest.

Fatolia said:
Thanks for your ideas so far. It's just not as easy as it seems.

So far the solutions people recommend:
1) Break up. (okay, why do this if we like each other?)
2) Stop kissing altogether. (this one could only possibly come from someone who has never kissed before in his/her life. It's a joyful/fun thing)
3) Have sex and get it over with (that sort of misses the point of staying 'pure')
4) Go some place public (that's not going to stop two horny people from going at it. If any place is private enough to kiss, it's probably twenty feet away from being able to go at it...just from personal experience)

Any other ideas? I'm looking for something radical and fresh but doesn't involve the violent removal of body parts.

Of course it's not easy. I'm sure it is incredibly hard for everyone. In my life I can say without question it is the hardest temptation I have ever had to deal with. If you really want to stop and to change, you are going to have to make some changes and it is going to be HARD...no matter what route you have to go to make them. Once you cross a certain line, it is nearly impossible to step back and not cross it again unless you take drastic measures.

What it all comes down to is how much do you want to stop and what is it worth to you? Because in order to truly change, you have to have a "whatever it takes" mentality. I don't mean to come across as harsh, but just realistic. And, yes, I am preaching to myself at the same time since it is a daily struggle to maintain boundaries for me and most people in a relationship with someone they love and want to have sex with (it's only natural).

How can I stop going too far sexually with my girlfriend?

War, love, and prayer...my life

r3b0rn

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